by Felicia Lynn
I walk over to where Dave and Kelly are talking and then I notice that she’s crying. Dave has his arm around her shoulder and they’re talking softly. All my instincts kick in to immediately make her feel better. Damn, she’s a woman, and she’s crying and I don’t like to see her upset. I’m not a heartless bastard.
“Hey Kells, what’s wrong babe?” I ask putting my arm around her other shoulder for a friendly hug, and that’s when she really breaks down and turns into my shoulder and cries big huge tears. Well damn… I hug her, gently patting her back waiting for answers as to what’s going on.
Dave tells me she slipped up and I feel immediate angst. Shit, she just doesn’t have the support system I have. I’ve always known that she didn’t have a supportive family and she’s a hometown girl. Her history and old friends all live around here. If she’s having a bad day, it takes little effort to get her hands on the bad stuff.
“Damn Kelly, what were you thinking? You should have called me.” I say in her ear. I could have talked to her. She knows I don’t sleep anyways.
She’s calming herself a little and she looks up with a fake smile. She’s trying to pull herself together but she’s not that strong. She never has been.
“Thanks, Jon. I’ll call next time. I was just so lonely, tired, and anxious. I couldn’t even think of one reason why I shouldn’t just take one pill. But now obviously, I can think of a million reasons and I feel so guilty. I’m sorry I let you all down.” She’s saying and then Dave looks over to us and says let’s start our meeting and we can talk about this in the circle.
Throughout the meeting, I periodically look over to Kelly. I feel so bad that she didn’t feel like she could call me. But it’s no wonder. I wasn’t exactly friendly when things ended. I told her I wasn’t interested in having feelings attached to the relationship and right when I said that I saw the hurt. I might as well have punched her in the stomach. Looking back, I feel incredibly guilty. I need to be a better friend to this girl. I need to keep in contact with some of the people I consider friends yet only see or talk to them in this group. It’s weird. I think I’ve become somewhat of a recluse.
Whitney
I’m alone again. They’ve left me tied to the train tracks with very little clothing on. I’m so small and cold. I’m crying and screaming out for the people that I want to save me. The ones I thought I could always count on. But they aren’t coming. I realize that the tears are wasted and know that the person who put me here is hoping that I die. If only I could get loose, I’d run away forever and never look back. I’d find a new family, with a mom and dad that love me. If only I could get loose… I stop the tears and start fighting for myself, quickly concluding that tears do not solve problems.
I’m startled awake by the ringing of my cell phone at the ass crack of dawn, and I know immediately who it is without even looking. Only one person in the world would have the nerve to wake me up at this hour on a Sunday morning. I look at my alarm clock and it reads 7:32 am. But for once I’m grateful for the early morning wake up call, not that I’ll admit it to her. Ugh... I reach for my phone and hit accept.
“Lex, couldn’t you have given me another hour?” I ask but already knowing the answer.
“Whit, this is the only quiet time I have. Garrett just took the kids for doughnuts with mom and dad. Come over. Let’s sit by the pool today. I really haven’t had time with just you in a while.” She asks in a way that really isn’t asking.
She’s instructing me and I know it. But I do love sitting by her pool, even with the kids it’s fun and her kids are amazing.
“Garrett has some work to do in the studio, but I have a babysitter coming over to play with Sierra in the pool so I can relax a little bit too.” She says with a convincing tone, which is wasted on me because I already know my attendance is required.
“Okay, Lex. I’ll be over soon. Can I have an hour?” I ask. Only, she responds requesting I be there in 30 minutes instead, before she hangs up.
The things I do for this girl. I fall back onto my pillow and let out a whine that is unheard and unappreciated. Then proceed to get out of bed and quickly dress so that I can head over to Alexis’ house before she starts calling again.
Truthfully, I’m grateful for the distraction from that dream. It’s haunted me since I was 6 years old. I’m not exactly sure what the dream means or why it’s the only dream I ever have. I wish I could be one of those people that had dreams with people they recognize or people they know. I’ve never had a dream with anyone in it, other than myself tied to a railroad track with very little clothing. UGH…. relaxing sleep for me comes at a hefty premium.
Before I was adopted at 10 years old. ‘My family’ and I use that term loosely, was the epitome of dysfunction. I was never physically abused like many others in the family. I was just hated, resented and verbally bashed.
My personality would never have allowed me to roll over and accept anything they threw at me verbally, physically or anything else without putting up a fight; and my sassy and loud mouth always got me in trouble. Sometimes, I think I probably encouraged the hatred intentionally. I made myself hard to love and hard to handle so that when I was able to get out, they wouldn’t put up any fights to keep me. And guess what, it worked.
From a very young age, I was street smart. I may have been small and cute to the eye, but I was not weak. I would never stand down from a fight and I could and would protect myself emotionally and physically. I was not the scared child I often see in that dream. I suppose that’s why it haunts me.
When I was taken away from that life I walked out, and didn’t really ever look back. And I got a new mom and dad with two amazing older brothers who were all happy to have a little sister. And the fact that I could hold my own against two big athletic boys was a plus. Truth be told, I probably could have knocked them out, but I never tried because they would’ve never fought back. My toughness was irrelevant to them. They loved their new, ‘almost real’, little sister.
As I’m driving over to my best friend’s house, I think back to about two years ago, just before Garrett came into her life. Alexis was a shell of herself and completely unrecognizable compared to girl I see today. I’m proud that she’s come so far and is her happy, healthy self again. I’ve known Alexis since our freshman year of college. We met during sorority rush week, and I couldn’t have been luckier to be paired with her from the start.
She and I instantly connected since we both had a shaky start to life, and had an understanding that most others didn’t. Even though my new family was amazing, I vowed never to forget the other life, only because I would always strive for the exact opposite for myself in life. I knew I would never make the mistakes that my biological parents made. I would never treat my child the way I was treated. I would never settle for love, just to have someone fill space in my bed. I would be self-sufficient and wouldn’t expect others to ever take care of me. My life would be different, and it is.
When I pull up to the gate, I punch in my code and the gates swing open. It feels a little surreal that they have this private tucked away sanctuary. Garrett found this property with an almost perfect house, and it only required a few modifications to suit them, mostly around the security system and simple design things to make it more in line with Alexis’ style.
We worked diligently for six weeks to make it perfect. I was honored and delighted when Garrett asked me to work on the project exclusively. But he said that I was the only person who had as much interest in their happiness as he did, and he’s right. I would move mountains for them if I needed to.
I walk in the front door and head directly into the kitchen, feeling sure that’s where I’ll find Lex with her cup of tea and her laptop, and I was right.
“What’s up chica?” I say tossing my bag on the corner desk in the kitchen and heading to the stove where the hot teakettle is helping myself to a cup.
“I’m happy to have a day with you, that’s for sure. It’s been so long.” She’s say
ing with a big smile and it makes me happy that time with me is all she really asks for. “Thanks for coming over. I just needed a little BFF time, like old times.”
I smile knowing that’s a half-truth. I know she misses me but that’s so not the purpose of this day. I’m here to be grilled and lectured. It’s ‘all good’ though… I’ll let her think I’m oblivious to her plan and go with the flow. Let’s just see how long it takes her to get to the point of today. For the record, I came willingly, knowing what was going to happen because I knew it was inevitable.
We’re sitting at the counter exchanging small talk and drinking our tea for a little while before I hear the rowdiness of my goddaughter dancing her way into the kitchen with a box of doughnuts. I’m really not sure there could ever be a cuter kid. I’m immediately drawn into her little happiness party while listening to her sing ‘We Are Never Getting Back Together’ by her all time favorite singer Taylor Swift. Lex and I immediately chime in singing right along with Sierra when her daddy walks in looking less than pleased.
“Ladies, we’ve modified those lyrics to ‘We Are Never Getting Together To Start With.” I’d appreciate your support in singing the lyrics that are more appropriate for Sierra by singing my lyrics.” With all seriousness, he’s scolding Alexis and I.
We quickly grab whatever tools we can find within reach and start an all out dance party with our fake microphones and crazy moves, belting the real lyrics as loud as possible, while Garrett watches huffing and gruffing about the insaneness of us encouraging, the impressionable Sierra, into singing lyrics.
He doesn’t approve. His commentary is only proving to provide us more entertainment so we continue and then sing it again and again. He’s a little too overprotective of his little girl, I must admit. He probably needs to relax a little.
After our concert and everyone’s changed into swimsuits, we find ourselves happily relaxing by the pool as Sierra and her new babysitter, Jennifer play. It’s been a great morning even though I wasn’t excited to come earlier because of the upcoming interrogation. I’m so glad I did. Lex is right, we need to do this more often. We’ve both just been so swept up in life that we haven’t made time for this like we used to.
“So, how’s work, Whit? Being considered for partner for a design firm at your age has to be pretty impressive, huh?” She asks. For a minute I feel proud to have come so far in my career in such a short amount of time.
When you have a perfect family where everyone is the epitome of success with all the wonderful qualities associated; and you’re the youngest and the only ‘not real’ child, you feel the need to work harder than you ever imagined to achieve, and become even a fraction of what they are. It’s not a competition, it never has been; it’s just me trying to measure up for them.
I know it’s complicated to process that for most people but the distinction is clear for me. I’ve only ever wanted to be worthy of my family. I love my parents and brothers so much.
Jon
After the meeting, I make a beeline to Kelly, feeling the need to somehow make it right that I’ve been such a shitty friend. I didn’t want her to feel alone in the world. I wanted her to know I would be there for her, that I would be her friend. I’m not interested in her romantically, but we are certainly friends.
When I see her, I immediately notice how depressed she looks as she’s talking with Dave again. Then I overhear the conversation.
“I think you need to go back to treatment. I understand why you think you can’t but this is a slippery slope, Kelly. You need to be surrounded by like-minded people who are working the program. Not go home where you’re alone and dealing with the circumstances that found you in this place to begin with.” He’s saying as she shakes her head and begins crying again.
I feel a little stalkerish as I listen from a far. I don’t want to intrude, but I also don’t want to be the asshole that didn’t care when he had a friend in need.
“Dave, you know I have no one to count on like that. This group is all I have. But I can’t stop my life again for another thirty days for treatment. I’m going to have to just do this on my own.” She’s telling him and he puts his face in his hands looking discouraged.
“Kelly, you know better than anyone that this is not how this program works. It’s just not that easy.” He tells her as I walk up to them not willing to wait my turn in consoling her.
“Kelly, you can call me you know. You have my number, use it. I say to her and she nods her head.
“Thank you, Jon. If you mean that, I will. The alone time is what’s killing me right now.” She says and even though I myself don’t have a lot of free time alone, I do understand that time alone is when I have to fight my dark days the hardest.
“Listen Kelly… have you ever been to a writing session?” I ask her knowing she hasn’t, Tampa isn’t really known as a music town. She shakes her head. “Why don’t you come with me today. I don’t have a lot of free time, but I’m happy to have you come hang out and listen to us work if you’re up for it.” I tell her, feeling immediate relief when I see a smile stretch across her face.
After she accepts, I tell her the details and we decide to leave directly from there. We stop at Starbucks for pastries and a box of coffee to sustain us for a little while. There’s no telling how long we could be in the studio. If all goes well, we could lay something down today. Who knows?
When we pull up to the house I punch in the gate password and drive down the long path to the house, and what I see in the driveway smacks me right in the damn face. Her car is here. Holy shit, I know how this will look to her. Not that I actually think she cares anyway, but now what? I silently start trying to think of a plan to get into the studio unnoticed, but I’m worried that sneaking around will make it look more suspicious. SHIT. Damn. Why TODAY of all days? I just have to go through the front door like normal and introduce Kelly to the group and hope everyone realizes she’s just a friend. But even with the facts, I have a very bad feeling about this.
We walk up to the house and I’m telling Kelly about Garrett and Alexis and the rest of the band as we walk in trying to remain calm, knowing it’s a matter of seconds before my body betrays me when I see her again.
“Hello, Anyone home?” I call out but no one answers. We continue through the house to the back yard and I’m secretly hoping the girls aren’t here. Maybe they’ve gone out shopping. I walk out back toward the recording studio over the garage when I hear her laugh and immediately melt. In that second I choose not to be shady, not to run and hide, but to introduce Kelly to the girls and hope Whitney sees it for what it is.
I walk toward the pool area where the girls are singing along to Luke Bryan’s ‘Crash My Party’ and they all look so damn cute. Sierra, of course, is leading the group and Whitney and Alexis are following right along. They look like they’re having a ball.
I walk up and Sierra and Alexis are grinning and continuing to sing and even Whitney is smiling a little at me, which is a wonderful change… until she notices I have a guest. Shit. What was I thinking? It never crossed my mind that she would be here. But it should have. I need to introduce them and make it clear that Kelly and I are just friends.
“Hey ladies, I wanted to introduce you to my friend. She came to hang and listen to us work in the studio for a bit.” I say, but Whitney has completely turned away and is fixing the towel on her lounger, totally ignoring me.
“Kelly, this is Alexis and her daughter Sierra. She’s Garrett’s wife. And this is Whitney.” I say smiling huge in hope that Whitney will turn and see my face, and know that she’s the one I’m interested in.
But instead she looks over her shoulder to Kelly, and responds with a quick, “Nice meeting you.” As she lies down on her chair grabbing her iPhone and ear buds putting them in her ears and completely tuning us out. Alexis looks at Whitney then to me, giving me what no one could confuse, as anything other than, a dirty look. Oh man… she’s pissed.
Then she looks to Kelly and in the
sweetest voice possible says, “Very nice meeting you, Kelly. Please let me know if we can get you anything while you’re visiting with those rowdy boys today.” before turning around and talking to Sierra about afternoon rest time and movies.
I turn and walk away leading the way quietly across the huge backyard to the studio on top of the garage. Kelly breaks my thoughts, “ Thank you for bringing me here and introducing me to your friends, Jon.” She says and I immediately remember why I asked her here, but vow to help Whitney understand that this is strictly platonic with Kelly and me. Really I am clearly more interested in any type of relationship Whitney is willing to take part in.
I don’t want Kelly to see the worry that inviting her here may have caused me, because although it’s complicated, I don’t regret bringing her. She needs me to be her friend right now, and I’m hoping that this doesn’t cause any riffs with my friends. When they find out they’ll understand. I know them.
“I’m glad you’re hanging out with me. Now’s not a good time to be alone so let’s go have some fun while you watch us make part of the next record.” I say with a friendly tone. Trying to keep things light and happy.
Whitney
You have got to be kidding me! I cannot believe I was actually considering responding to Jon and accepting his invitation for a night out. This is exactly the reason that I knew things wouldn’t work with him. A chic, in my best friend’s house, exactly one day after we talked and he sent me a cute little email. Ugh… this sucks.
I slump down in my chair, rolling onto my stomach. I put my ear buds in and am determined to get that guy out of my head. I flip over to my ‘get moving’ playlist and turn the sound up when Katy Perry’s ‘Hot n Cold’ comes on. Wow. This couldn’t be more perfect.