Mending Heartstings

by Felicia Lynn

  Once we have the status on her health and a treatment plan in place, a plan is made to immediately move her to a treatment center with more specialized care to meet her needs. The local facility is great but she’ll require a bit more care than that and will be flying out to Texas with the help of medical transport team in Garrett’s private jet.

  For a minute I think about how she must feel waking up to the unconditional love and team of people here to support her with only her best interests at heart. I look around the room and feel proud to be a part of the most selfless people I’ve ever known. They’ve easily made up for my shortcomings as a friend and after four days of conversations with Dave, I too am somewhat at peace with what were, and it wasn’t my responsibility in this as a friend.

  Kelly needs to be held accountable for her mistakes. She’ll learn nothing if I take all the guilt and responsibility and it’ll be far too easy to fall back into the patterns. She has things to work on and an amazing team to help her. I’m not a super hero and it’s not my job to save her.

  It’s around eleven when it’s time to say goodbye to Kelly for now. I do actually hope that I’ll get the chance to see her again someday, but I also know that a fresh start in a new town with a clean slate is often the better option for some scenarios.

  We’re asked to make our goodbyes brief and we follow orders as they wish. When I’m leaving the hospital I feel an overwhelming need to see my girl. Thankfully it’s a Saturday morning and I know I will likely find her at home in bed.

  I fell asleep last night watching the game so I never texted her my goodnight message, and obviously I never made it to her house to crawl in bed with her either. Although I’m sure she understands. I’m really glad I got the opportunity to talk to her myself yesterday morning before work about what was happening, instead of her hearing it from Lex. Mostly, I was glad to see her reaction and overall calmness.

  Whitney

  When it’s time to leave work, I grab my phone and my purse and I race out of the building; and for the first time ever I don’t bother to take any work home with me. There’s absolutely nothing I have left to work on and at this point, my personal life is seconds from implosion and will require all of my attention and finesse right now.

  I jump in the car not bothering to turn on music. My thoughts are rolling around in my head like a whirlwind. I stop at the light to turn onto Dale Mabry Hwy and switch my phone back on after remembering I turned it off this morning when Lex called.

  What the hell is wrong with me? Hiding my head in the sand when things get rough is not my style that’s Lex’s thing. I look at my actions of today and briefly don’t even recognize myself.

  When my phone powers on I see that I have numerous texts and voicemails from Lex but instead of taking the time to read them before I call her I decide to save time and go in blind. I press the call back button and it rings only twice before Lex answers in a seriously pissed off tone.

  “Whitney, where the fuck are you? And you better tell me you’re either at the hospital with your boyfriend or on the way.” She spouts off with no pleasantries before the immediate lecture on what it takes to make a relationship work and how I need to do my part, and when there’s a crisis how family and friends come way before my job, and Jon needs me and I better get there, blah, blah, blah…

  I listen and don’t bother to respond with my smartass remarks to defend myself. But, I’d like to let her know I didn’t even get the info until this morning and although Jon did say Kelly was in serious condition, he didn’t need me, he wanted his band mates instead.

  In spite of my growing annoyance and low simmering anger. I disconnect the phone with Alexis telling her I am in fact on the way to the hospital and I didn’t need her instruction to do the right thing.

  I do not however tell her that I’ve now made a U-turn to head in the opposite direction since I quite possibly was headed home and not to the hospital, prior to our chat. I can’t let her know that her words have gotten to me. She’ll think she’s in charge and we all know I cannot have Lex as my keeper anymore. She already is, without me completely losing my mind and along with it all my self respect.

  I pull into the hospital parking lot and as I’m walking into the hospital I remember the moment when I was coming here to see Jon a few weeks ago. I remember the fear and uncertainty of his condition. I remember the feeling of anxiety that took over before I opened the door to his room wondering if I’d find him on the verge of death or if he was okay.

  I remember it taking every ounce of my strength to pull myself together and not shed tears in front of everyone. I remember my resolve to give this relationship a shot and quit wasting time if I got that chance. And most of all I remember opening the door and seeing his eyes on me and knowing that if I gave this thing with Jon Cooper a try, I’d likely never be the same. Good, bad or indifferent that man would change me.

  When I reach Kelly’s room the door is open and I see her frail body lying in the bed attached to all those tubes and machines. I faintly hear the baseball game and I see Jon on the other side of the bed furthest from the door passed out with his hair standing up in all directions. I can tell he’s been running his hands through his hair like he does when he worries or something’s bothering him.

  I walk around the bed on a mission to kiss him and tell him I’m sorry for taking it all personal that I wasn’t his first call. That my jealousy set in and I wanted him to need me more than he did. I could have just told him I needed him to want me here, but I didn’t. The situation had spiraled out of control so quickly. I rounded the bed and see what no one can ever mistake as anything other than a loving embrace. His fingers are intertwined with hers and even in his deep sleep, he’s holding on for dear life. This is no friendship… that type of hand hold is a much deeper commitment. It’s a promise and if they were not deeply connected and committed to each other before this happened I can see right now, without a shadow of a doubt that they will be before this is over. In that moment, I turn and I run. I run as fast as I can and don’t even bother to look back.

  I run through the door of my house and know that a workout session would be the more healthy way of handling this situation. I walk to the cabinet taking out a shot glass, opening the freezer, taking out the tequila which is ice cold and will go down my throat quite nicely to help me contain all the pent up screams and sobs that are threatening to unleash.

  Shot one. I vow to find a way to forget that I ever loved Jon Cooper.

  Oh… that burns…

  Shot two. My heart is forever broken but I vow to never admit that to any living soul.

  Less burn… just warmth…

  Shot three. I will never put Lex in a position to choose. I will surrender to that to avoid any additional heartache.

  I need to feel more burn…

  Shot four. I vow to find ways to cope with this pain that will not include my escape to any other planet that can sustain life.

  Was there ever a burn?

  Shot five. I hope aliens are nice. I have nothing left for humans.

  Wait… did I even swallow?

  I leave the bottle of the counter and walk up the stairs. I probably should have done that on the second floor instead of trying to maneuver those after five quick shots. I walk into my bathroom to my medicine cabinet grabbing the bottle of the nighttime headache relief I keep on hand when I’m struggling and need my sleep to be drug induced. I take two out of the bottle and for good measure grab a third just to be safe since it’s only half past seven and I know that sleep will not come easy with all that’s happening in my head.

  I’m alone again tied to the train tracks with very little clothing on. It’s me… today… I’m a woman and I’m still cold and shivering like a little child. I’m crying and screaming out for him to save me this time. Jon… I’m almost begging him but like always no one is coming to save me. Only this time I see him in the distance watching as I plead for him. Not moving, staring as I struggle, no facial expressio
ns, just uncaring.

  I know the tears are wasted and that the person who’s put me here is hoping that I die. If only I could get loose, I’d run away forever and never look back. I stop the flow of the tears and start fighting for myself, quickly concluding that tears don’t solve problems. Tears just make it worse. Tears make you ugly. Tears make you weak. I am all of those things, and hiding it doesn’t make it not so.

  I wake in a pool of heartache. The tears are flowing freely. I can’t seem to catch my breath. My chest is full of air yet I’m unable to take a breath. I need air. I roll out of the bed falling to the floor and crawling with all my energy to the master bath. I climb up to the sink where I splash water on my face. Cold water. So soothing. Anything is soothing. I just can’t. I say looking at the reflection of this weak person with tears streaking her face. She’s unrecognizable to me. I don’t even know this person whose staring back at me.

  This will not happen. I can’t do this. I will not be this person. The fear of the dream is subsiding as the fear of the person I’m quickly becoming takes front seat in my head.

  I opened my heart to him. I let him in my tightly contained walls and this is what happens.

  My phone chimes in the distance and I know who it is. I always know who it is. I’ve woken to this chime daily for the past few weeks when he doesn’t wake up in my bed. Only today… I can’t… I don’t want to see it. I can’t read the lies and empty promises. The lies that started with my own to him yesterday. I knew that was the end of the end.

  I throw on the first pair of yoga pants I can find with whatever sports bra and t-shirt within reach. I need to run. My shoes are by the door. I slip them on and I’m out the door. I don’t even bother to lock the front door since I no longer have the hide-a-key. The hide-a-key was a safer risk. I gave up. I let my guard down. The tears are flooding my vision and I feel ashamed.

  I’m desperate to release this energy in the only way I know how. I run and run… straight into the gym. The gym that Jon asked that I please not come to but the only place I know I can release this anger.

  I walk through the door and look Peter straight in the eyes. “Spar with me?” I assert and he looks at me and smirks. I know my eyes are bloodshot and I know the floodgates are overflowing with tears but I also know that he’d never deny the chance to get his rough hands on me and I won’t turn down the chance to kick his ass in return. This thing between us that Jon doesn’t understand is give and take. There is a mutual benefit no matter how toxic the situation is. What Jon doesn’t understand is he’s done far more damage.

  I haven’t been here in weeks. I can see the surprise in his eyes. “Boyfriend troubles, hot stuff?” He asks with that stupid over confident grin plastered on his face and I see that he’s already taking pleasure in my emotional turmoil. He’s already feeling like a victor. All the hatred I have for him right now will still not be the likely driving force behind my punches. I don’t need that from him today but the pain… I’ll welcome it at this point.

  I move toward the gear. Grabbing my gloves out of my locker. Normally I’d take a minute to tape up my wrists but today I slip on the gloves and make sure the ties are tight. Today I have no time that can be spared for safety. Today I’m on the verge of a breakdown. I need to feel strong. I need to regain my strength. I need to feel the pain release.

  I’m under the ropes in less than a minute and ready to feel something.

  Peter is through the ropes and making his way to the center of the ring.

  “You’re sure about this? Your boyfriend going to come in and yell at me for hurting you?” He’s laughing at me, and implying I’m weak. Look at me I am weak.

  “Shut up. Let’s do this.” I growl and he laughs again. My vision is blurring over again and I have no time for tears. If I were losing any battle at this point, it would be with my emotions. This is out of control.

  “You ready to get on your back?” He asks in the tone insinuating something way more sexual than he’ll ever get and it’s just the ammunition I need.

  I’m swinging and jabbing, kicking and punching. I feel the movements they are so natural to me. But I’m not controlling this. I’m completely out of control. It’s almost as if I’m out of my body entirely as I watch the train wreck that’s happening.

  He’s giving it right back to me, taking no mercy on me for being a girl. He knows I’m not a real girl. I’m stronger than most the guys in here but today is different. I have a point to prove but doing it with eyes flooded with tears is no way to show my strength.

  I hear people yelling from the side but I don’t stop. I fall to my back and I’m still taking the punches as I kick and continue to fight with what I have left. I’m soaked and I can hear my grunts but I can’t feel him lift me but I never feel my fall.

  There are many bodies in the ring now. They are pulling us apart. Well, pulling him away. It doesn’t take much for me. I’m in the most vulnerable position. I took a beating today…

  He’s yelling and the others holding him are yelling but their words I can’t clearly understand. I’m so sleepy…

  Jon

  Something isn’t right. Not only is something not right, it’s very, very wrong and I don’t even know where to begin looking.

  I rushed over after leaving the hospital so happy to see her. I’ve missed her these past few days and I’m very ready to reconnect. I brought her favorite bagel and I felt sure I was going to catch her in bed or in the shower but her front door was ajar.

  Her car is in the driveway and all her stuff is here; her phone, her keys, her purse, everything. There’s a half a bottle of Patron tequila on the counter with one shot glass. I consider calling the police but it’s probably too soon to take that action so I call Garrett and Alexis hoping they know something I don’t.

  Garrett assures me he’ll get to the bottom of it. He’s just pulling into the driveway from the hospital himself. He keeps me on the line as he walks into the house to ask Alexis if she’s heard from Whitney. But as soon as he enters the house I don’t need him to tell me something’s wrong. Alexis is yelling at someone and Garrett is trying to understand. He’s asking questions. She’s hysterical.

  Garrett somehow gathers some information. It’s now becoming clear he’s on Alexis’ phone.

  They’re on the move. He’s spouting off orders and telling Alexis to get in the car. I hear the Range Rover start and I start freaking out. I need to go too.

  “What hospital?” He asks.

  “The only people that are to go near her other than doctors and nurses is Jon Cooper, myself, Garrett McKenna, and my wife, Alexis McKenna. Am I clear?” He growls the instruction in that firm ‘Don’t fuck with me tone’ that I’m sure everyone will obey but his tone isn’t helpful to me. I need to be there. I fucking need information and I’m on hold.

  “McKenna” I scream into the phone hoping he’ll stop his barrage of questioning to give me a place. That’s all I need.

  “Yeah” he answers, thankfully hearing my scream.

  One word is all I have.

  “Where?”

  “St. Joseph’s. Hurry, Jon.”

  I disconnect the phone with no words and am in my truck and on the way in seconds. I have to get to her. I’m trying to think of any possible reason for her to be there, questioning all the details. How did she get there with no car, none of her personal items? Who drove her? How is she hurt? Who hurt her?

  I know that Garrett will reach her first. His house is closer to the hospital than Whitney’s. The normal twenty-minute ride takes thirteen minutes. I’m pulling up to the emergency entrance, parking illegally but I couldn’t care less. Tow my fucking truck. I won’t be leaving without her anyways.

  It takes seconds for me to get through the door and I’m searching for anyone in uniform I can ask, when I see Garrett’s tall form standing with Alexis in front of him already asking the questions I ache to know. I march over to wear they’re standing and gruffly ask, “Where is she?” without any pleas
antries. No one questions it.

  The nurse there begins to tell me what is clear that Alexis and Garrett already know.

  “Sir, what’s your relation to the patient?”

  She asks and without a chance to respond for myself, Alexis answers for me.

  “That’s her fiancé. The one I was telling you about. I told you he’d be here. Now, take me to see my best friend.”

  She says as I look from Alexis to Garrett to the nurse wondering what the fuck is happening and why Alexis just called Whit my fiancé. But Garrett shoots me a look that I know means to just go with it. We’ve had years of practice reading each other’s eye contact and body language.

  I just stand there and stare and repeat my question.

  “Where is she?”

  At this point it’s the most important question and the one I need to know the most. Seconds later a security team is approaching us with one of our boys. Garrett being in the hospital will likely cause a little excitement and so I know our guys need to get control of that quickly.

  Garrett is talking to them and it’s all taking too long as I stand aside still in shock and still without answers. I’m on the verge of flipping my shit. I ask again, a little more loudly this time hoping someone can just answer my fucking question.

  “Where the fuck is she? Take me to her now.”

  And it seems they finally snap their asses in gear and start leading us toward the doors that require some special code to access.

  It’s a long hallway with weird smells but I don’t care. I’d walk through hell right now to lay my eyes on her and know she’s okay. I need to see my girl like three hours ago.