A Better Place

by Mark Roeder

  “Hey punk, watch where you’re going!”

  Someone pushed me roughly from behind. I turned; ready to give him a piece of my mind, or a good shove, when I realized it was Ethan.

  “Hey!” I said; glad to see at least one familiar face.

  “Where you headed?”

  “Guidance office.”

  “Oh, what fun,” said Ethan.

  “I’m sure it will be. I’m tired of answering questions.”

  “Hey, I gotta run, but I’ll see you after school,” said Ethan.

  He was gone as fast as he had come, but I felt more at home there after seeing him, even if it was just for a few moments. I found the guidance office and stepped in. Soon I was talking with Mr. Kerr.

  I liked Mr. Kerr as much as I disliked Mr. Montgomery, but with more reason. Mr. Kerr was friendly and put me at ease. He didn’t start right in with questions either. He just talked to me. He found out I was a football player and talked to me quite a while about that.

  “We could sure use a good football player. Don’t get me wrong, the boys try hard, but they just don’t quite have it down.”

  “I was the quarterback and team captain at my old school. We were undefeated when I left.”

  “Oh, Coach Jordan is definitely going to want to talk to you. I’ll tell you now; you can expect him to hunt you down.”

  “Guess it will save me the trouble of finding him,” I said.

  We got down to the business of figuring out what to do with me for the rest of the school year.

  “How many credits had you earned with your sophomore year?” he asked.

  I told him and he did some figuring with his calculator. He stopped for a minute, looked up a few things, and then did some more figuring.

  “This will be tight, but I can get you partial credit for your junior year based on your grades at your old school, and what you’ll be able to squeeze in during the remainder of the school year here. You get good grades at your old school?”

  “Oh yes, all A’s in fact.”

  “Good. Good.” Mr. Kerr did some more figuring.

  “Okay, you have two options. If you take a course instead of a study hall in your senior year, you’ll have just enough credits to graduate; with the partial credit we’ll be able to get you for this year. You’ll have to get good grades for what’s left of this year, but I don’t think that will be a problem, based on your past performance. The teachers will also take into consideration that you’re starting in very late in the year. Or, if you’d rather, you can attend summer school, and ease up your senior year schedule a bit.”

  “I think I’d rather have a tougher schedule and no summer school.”

  “Personally, so would I,” said Mr. Kerr laughing.

  Mr. Kerr set me up with a schedule for the rest of the year, then we sat and talked for a few minutes. I really liked that guy.

  * * * That evening, Casper told me he’d been to see Mr. Kerr too. Casper was only a freshman, so he’d have plenty of time to get enough credits to graduate. He had to endure even more questions with Mr. Montgomery than I did, but Ardelene was there with him. It had taken a lot of calls, but Casper was all set to start attending school the next day, just like me.

  “I’m not sure if I’m going to like it or not,” he said. “I never liked our old school. I got picked on too much.”

  “Yeah, but this isn’t our old school. It’s all new. There’s no terrible trio. No one knows you got picked on. It’s a chance to start all over again.” I could tell that set Casper at ease.

  I wondered about starting all over again myself. I’d been very popular at my old school and it gave me a weird feeling to be entering a new school where no one knew me, except Ethan, Nathan, and Casper, of course. No one knew I’d been the quarterback and captain of the football team. No one knew I’d been one of the most popular guys in school. It made me a little uneasy, but I was determined that I’d be just fine. My parents had stolen my life from me and this was just part of taking it back.

  Nathan

  I didn’t have any classes with Brendan or Casper, but they had the same lunch period as Ethan and I. I think they were glad to sit with us. I knew it must be hard starting in at a new school, especially so late in the year. Ethan introduced them to a bunch of the guys on the wrestling team. He also told them how Brendan was the quarterback of the football team at his old school. That made him some points, jocks had it easy.

  I introduced Casper to some of my friends. I didn’t have nearly as many as Ethan, but I had made a few. Before I met Ethan, I kind of kept to myself, but after we became close I got a bit more outgoing. It felt good to have friends of my own. Ethan’s buddies were really nice to me and I considered them my friends too, but it was still nice to have a set of friends I’d made all on my own. It was great to be able to introduce Casper to them. He reminded me a lot of myself. I knew he was nervous about not knowing anyone, so I wanted to help him out all I could.

  I was glad that Brendan and Casper already knew that Ethan and I were dating, because our secret wouldn’t have held long. Pretty much everyone was cool with us being gay, so no one made any attempt to keep our relationship a secret. Sometimes I still couldn’t believe that everyone in school knew we were boyfriends. I also couldn’t believe that we didn’t get our asses kicked for it daily. The guys had a lot of respect for Ethan though, and after the terrible loss of Mark and Taylor, everyone was much more accepting. It was just too bad that two boys had to die to make everyone realize that abuse could kill.

  I worried about Ethan sometimes. He’d been a lot closer to both Mark and Taylor than I had. He took their deaths very hard. They’d died in early November, but the pain wasn’t over just because a few months had passed.

  264

  Occasionally, I still expected to see them in the halls and then I remembered. It just wasn’t right that they weren’t there. I visited their graves with Ethan sometimes and he often cried while we were there. I know he felt a lot of guilt over their deaths, although he shouldn’t have. He told me more than once how sorry he was for not standing up for them more when he had the chance. I know that Ethan believed that if he’d stood up for them sooner, they’d still be alive. I tried telling him that he didn’t know that for sure, but I don’t think it helped. I tried to just be there for him when he was thinking about it. I knew it was something he’d carry with him for the rest of his life.

  It was sure crowded in the old pickup truck after school, although I didn’t mind being squeezed up against Ethan. We made a stop at the feed store before heading home. Jack wanted us to pick up the first load of seed corn, and some other stuff. The guys in the feed store always looked at Ethan and me kind of funny when we went in there. I know it was because we were gay. They gave Brendan and Casper the same look and I know they were wondering if they were gay too. I just hoped it didn’t make Brendan and Casper uncomfortable. The feed store guys never gave us any trouble. We spent a ton of money in there every year. We bought pretty much all of our seed and fertilizer from them, as well as a lot of other stuff. With a farm the size of ours, that added up to a sizable amount of money. They couldn’t afford to be rude. I sometimes wondered if Jack didn’t have more to do with it than the money, however. He was an easy going guy, but heaven help anyone who crossed him.

  It was a lot easier loading the heavy bags of feed with four of us working on it. Ethan and Brendan tossed around the hundred pound bags like they were five pound bags of sugar. I admired their strength, and their muscles. Casper and I worked together and the bags were still almost too heavy for us. I was a lot stronger than I used to be though.

  While Ethan and Brendan got the rest of the things on our list, Casper and I walked down the street to get something to drink. As I was sticking quarters into a soda machine, my mom walked around the corner. She stopped when she saw me. I forgot about what I was doing. It was the first time I’d seen her face to face since I left home. I’d seen her and Dad at a distance a couple of times
, but they hadn’t seen me. Mom ran her eyes up and down my body and it made me feel uncomfortable.

  “You’re looking very…well,” she said.

  266 A Better Place “You too.” I didn’t know what to say to her. I didn’t really want to talk to her at all.

  “I heard you were living out on that farm, with that…boy,” she said. She didn’t say it out loud, but I knew she was talking about Ethan being gay. She meant it as an insult.

  “Yes, I am. I like it there. Ethan and his uncle treat me and Dave real well.” I aimed my words at her, reminding her that we’d never been treated well at home.

  Mom kind of smirked, and then moved on. Only when she was gone did I realize that I was standing there as if I was lost in space.

  “Are you okay, Nathan?” asked Casper. “You’re shaking.”

  “Um. Huh? Yeah, I’m okay,” I said and resumed sticking quarters in the soda machine.

  “Who was that woman?”

  “That was my mom,” I said, turning a little red in the face.

  “Your mom?” I knew Casper couldn’t tell from the way we acted toward each other that we were mother and son. I knew we didn’t act like it at all. Of course, most moms didn’t do to their sons what mine had done to me. It made me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Casper could tell that I didn’t want to talk about it. He changed the topic.

  “Hey, is Zac from school one of your friends? He came up and started talking to me just after last period.”

  “Zac? Zac Packard?”

  “Yeah, I think that was it. He was really nice.”

  “He’s not nice,” I said. “He’s not nice at all. What did he want?” Casper looked uncomfortable.

  “He just asked if I was staying with you guys and about where I’d come from and all that, just stuff, you know.”

  I think I scared Casper a little when I grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him back toward the feed store.

  “What’s wrong?”

  I didn’t answer right away. Instead, I hurried along. When we reached the feed store, Ethan and Brendan were just coming out.

  “Zac was talking to Casper,” I said. Ethan stopped dead in his tracks. Brendan and Casper were looking at us, confused.

  “What’s wrong?” asked Brendan.

  “We’ll explain in the truck,” said Ethan.

  When we were all in the old green Ford and driving toward the farm, Ethan explained why Zac was bad news.

  “I’m not going to tell you who you can and can’t talk to,” said Ethan, looking over at Casper, “but I suggest you steer clear of Zac.”

  “He seemed really nice,” said Casper.

  “Believe me, he’s not.”

  Ethan told Brendan and Casper about the notes that Zac had left in his locker during wrestling season, and how he’d tried to blackmail him into throwing the wrestling finals so he could win instead. Both Brendan and Casper looked completely shocked when Ethan told them about the night Zac, Devon and some of their buddies had attacked us out on the soccer fields.

  “They held me while they tied Nathan to the soccer goal, then they started beating me up. If Brandon and Jon hadn’t showed up, we’d have been dead and I don’t mean that figuratively. Zac and his buddies had planned to kill us.”

  “Fuck,” said Brendan. “And these guys aren’t in jail or something?”

  “No, they probably should be, but Brandon got really nasty with them. He was so mad he just about killed Devon. We had those boys pissing their pants. We scared them so bad they haven’t dared to say shit since then.”

  “Shit,” said Casper.

  “So it’s best if you don’t talk to Zac,” said Ethan. “He’s fishing for something I’m sure and up to no good. He’s probably found out you’re gay, or suspects it. Zac, Devon, and their little group don’t like gays. They’re too afraid of me and Brandon and Jon to do anything about it, though. I don’t trust any of them. The best thing to do if you see them coming is run.”

  Casper looked scared. I hated to see him frightened, but I sure didn’t want Zac to get him alone either. Zac was a wrestler and was way built. He could do anything he wanted to a little guy like Casper if he got him alone, or me for that matter.

  Ethan’s eyes met mine. I could tell he was worried. He was right; Zac was up to no good. I didn’t know if it involved Ethan and me, or Brendan and Casper, or all of us, but Zac talking to Casper wasn’t a good sign at all.

  Brendan

  I went to bed troubled. The things Ethan had told us about Zac Packard made me uneasy. I didn’t like a guy like that taking an interest in Casper. He’d had enough troubles in his life. Ethan said he’d make sure that Brandon and Jon kept an eye out for Casper, and so would he. I sure would as well, but I was still uncomfortable. I loved Casper and I couldn’t bear the thought of him getting hurt.

  Sometime late in the night, or perhaps early in the morning, I woke up crying. I had bad dreams now and then, but this one was different. Most of my bad dreams were about being back in the Cloverdale Center, or about my parents, but this one was about something else entirely.

  In my dream I was me, but not me. It was like I was me and someone else at the same time. In the dream I was sick with worry over Casper, but Casper wasn’t just himself either. He was Casper, and someone else. Part of the time he looked like Casper, but part of the time he looked different. When I tried to remember what he looked like, I couldn’t picture it. I couldn’t really remember much about the dream at all, except that I was so much in love with Casper that it hurt, and that I was so worried about him it was making me sick. I was afraid of losing him, but I didn’t know to what. It was all very fuzzy and got more so as I tried to think about it.

  The dream bothered me so much that I got up and went to Casper’s room. I looked in through the doorway and he was sleeping peacefully. He was safe. I knew he would be, but I still had to make sure. One part of my dream was certainly true; I loved Casper so much it hurt. It was a hurt I was happy to endure; a hurt I hoped lasted forever.

  * * *

  268 Casper and I walked by the garden on our way to help Ethan clear brush. Ardelene was tenderly planting flowers. She’d said that the garden needed a few flowers in addition to all the vegetables to brighten it up. Uncle Jack had readily agreed. Ardelene liked to work in the garden. She seemed to belong there. If I hadn’t known better, I’d have thought she’d lived on that farm forever. She waved as we passed and smiled. Casper was lucky to have a grandmother like her.

  “You see anything of Zac today?” I asked Casper quietly.

  “Yeah, he started to come up to me, but Brandon came out of nowhere and stared at him until he walked away. He’s really afraid of Brandon. He was shaking.”

  “Well if Zac comes around, you look for me or Ethan or Brandon or Jon.”

  “I will. Don’t worry so much.”

  “After what Ethan told us about him, I’m not taking any chances.”

  “Brandon seems really nice,” said Casper.

  “Yeah, he does,” I said. “I’d like to get to know him better. Anyone that looks out for you is cool in my book. Brandon has been nothing but nice to me. As soon as Ethan introduced me, he treated me like we’d been friends forever.”

  “Yeah, he’s like that with me too. I’ve only talked to him a few times, but he made me feel the same way,” said Casper.

  We caught up to Ethan in the field we were clearing. We’d made really good progress. Ethan was chopping away at some roots. I just stood and watched him for a few moments. The thick muscles of his chest tensed and flexed and his biceps bulged as he swung the ax. Ethan definitely looked good without a shirt. He had the best build I’d ever seen on a boy of his age.

  I forced myself to look away when Casper glanced sideways at me. I knew I shouldn’t be looking. I felt guilty. I loved Casper. He didn’t have a body like Ethan, but I loved him and it made me feel bad to even notice another guy. Casper was my boyfriend. Ethan was my friend, and nothing more. I looke
d at Casper, hoping I hadn’t made him feel bad by checking out Ethan. I hugged him, and told him I loved him.

  Ethan greeted us with a smile and we joined him in the never ending work of clearing the land. There was a time when I’d have dreaded working that hard, but times had changed. I found I actually liked it. It made me feel good to accomplish something with my own sweat and toil.

  270 A Better Place In the distance, I could just barely hear the tractor running. I looked up to see Uncle Jack plowing a field, far enough away that both he and the tractor seemed small. That tractor sure got a workout. Uncle Jack was usually on it when we left for school. When we returned, he was still riding the tractor as if he’d never gotten off it the whole day. In the evenings, Ethan or I usually took over and sometimes plowed until it was almost too dark to see. This evening, Jack wanted us to concentrate on getting as much brush as we could cleared away, so all three of us were hard at it as he plowed the dark earth.

  Nathan joined us not long after. With the four of us working together, the pile of brush grew and grew. We talked and laughed as we worked and the minutes slipped by. It didn’t seem like any time had passed at all before it was time for supper. I felt like I always had all the time in the world on the farm, but time had a way of speeding past sometimes too. I almost felt like fifty years could zip by if I blinked my eyes at the wrong moment. I sure hoped that wouldn’t happen. I was happy. I loved Casper. I had a family on the farm, a family that wouldn’t reject me for what I was and send me away. I was even making new friends at school and starting to feel at home there. I didn’t want the next fifty years to zip past. I wanted every minute to last forever.