A Better Place

by Mark Roeder

  We had a quick, but wonderful supper, then it was back to clearing the field. Little Dave finished all his chores and joined us. The brush pile towered over our heads by the time the evening shadows were growing long. Ethan set it on fire and the flames lit up the sky like day. The heat was so intense at first that we had to throw on more saplings from a great distance, tossing them in the air like a boomerang. As the fire died down a little, it cast a golden glow on our faces. The night air was cool and felt refreshing on my naked skin. I actually got a little chilly as it cooled the sweat that covered my torso. I found myself drawing near the fire to catch a bit of warmth now and then. For the most part, the work kept me warm, however. Even without the sun above, clearing brush was still hot work.

  Casper’s grandmother came out carrying a big tray with drinks and a bag of marshmallows. We were all thirsty and gulped down the iced tea and cold water. Ethan whittled us all sticks for toasting marshmallows and soon we were all standing around the fire, attempting to get our marshmallows a golden brown. Nathan had a real knack for it and his marshmallows always seemed to come out perfect. Some of the rest of us weren’t so talented. Every time I just about had mine right, it burst into flames and charred. I didn’t mind. I kind of liked the taste of burnt marshmallow.

  Uncle Jack joined us as the fire burned low. He talked quietly with Ardelene as he watched over us. I really liked the old man. There were times when I felt like hugging him, the way a grandson hugs his grandfather. I didn’t, however, because I didn’t know how he’d react. Jack didn’t show much emotion and could be stern at times. I didn’t know how he’d feel about such a display of affection from a boy he’d known only for a short time. It didn’t matter. I knew he liked me, and I sure liked him.

  Nathan

  Another school day was done. I walked to my locker to get rid of my books. I arrived just in time to see Brandon slam Devon back up against the lockers. Devon’s head hit hard and he looked dazed.

  “You stay away from him you hear? I don’t know what you are up to you sick fuck, but you and your buddies keep clear of Casper. Remember what I said I’d do to you if you messed with Ethan or Nathan? Well, the same goes for Casper.”

  Devon swallowed hard. He was panic stricken. There was anger in his eyes too, but mainly fear.

  “So you gonna stay away from him, or do I fuck you up now?” Brandon was breathing fire. It was a terrible sight to see. I’d only seen him look that way once before, the night he’d come close to killing Devon for the things he’d done to Taylor and Mark, and for the things he’d done to Ethan and me.

  Devon was terrified. He actually wet his pants as he stood there pressed up against the lockers.

  “I’ll keep away,” he said quietly.

  “Huh? I didn’t hear you. Say it louder.”

  “I’ll stay away!”

  I could tell from the look on Devon’s face that he would’ve liked nothing better than to beat Brandon senseless. I could also tell he knew he didn’t have a snowballs chance in hell of managing it alone. I would have feared for Brandon, feared that Devon and his buddies would gang up on him, but Devon knew what would happen if he tried that. Ethan, Jon, and their friends would hunt Devon down and make him pay.

  Devon still scared me. I knew the kinds of things he was capable of; I knew what he’d done to Ethan and me, and what he’d planned to do. Devon was sick. I shuddered to think what he’d be like when he grew older. I wondered if Hitler was anything like Devon when he was young.

  Brandon let Devon go. I caught a glimpse of Brandon’s face. He had a look of pure hatred on his features as he stared at the back of Devon’s head. That look seemed out of place on Brandon’s face. He was one of the kindest, most considerate boys I knew. He blamed Devon for the death’s of Mark and Taylor, however, and he hated Devon for it. If Ethan hadn’t stopped him, Brandon would have killed Devon the night that he and his buddies attacked Ethan and me. I knew he probably would kill him if Devon pushed things too far. Devon knew it too, which explained his mortal terror of Brandon. I was surprised that Devon even dared to get near Casper if he knew that he had any connection with Brandon.

  “Hey,” I said.

  Brandon turned. The look of anger on his face was gone. Tears streamed down his face.

  “I miss Mark so much,” he said. “Taylor, too.”

  “I know,” I said. “I know you do. I miss them too and I didn’t know them near as well as you, or Ethan.”

  “I hate that fucker,” said Brandon, looking in the direction that Devon had gone. “He should be dead instead of them. Why should an evil bastard like him get to live when they didn’t?”

  It wasn’t a question I could answer. Brandon knew that.

  “What was all that about? Did Devon do something to Casper?” I asked.

  “No. I’d have kicked his ass if he so much as touched him. He just talked to him, like Zac. I don’t like it. They know he’s your friend, and Ethan’s, they’ve singled him out. They want something. I don’t like it at all.”

  I frowned. I didn’t like it either.

  “Brendan told me Zac and Devon tried to talk to him too. They were acting all nice, but he brushed them off. He knows what they tried to do to us, so he doesn’t trust them,” I said.

  “We’ll just have to keep an eye on them.”

  “You going to be okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah.”

  Just then, Jon walked up. He looked at Brandon and knew something was wrong.

  “Devon,” I said. The name explained it all. I headed out to the parking lot to meet up with Ethan and the others, while Jon took Brandon under his arm and spoke quietly to him.

  Brendan

  “Brendan! Brendan wake up!”

  “Taylor!”

  I jerked up in bed, wide awake in an instant. I inhaled sharply in terror. I

  was trembling, and crying. Casper was standing over me, his hands on my shoulders. Ethan and Nathan were standing just inside my room, looking at me.

  “That’s not very damned funny!” said Ethan. He was more upset than I’d ever seen him. He looked ready to march over to me and start punching. I had no idea why.

  “Ethan, calm down,” said Nathan. “You know he’s not playing games. How could he?” I still didn’t understand.

  I was still wild-eyed with terror. I felt such horrible anguish that it was all I could do to keep from bawling.

  “It was just a dream, Brendan,” said Casper softly. “It’s okay. It was just a dream.” He turned to the others. “He’s been having bad dreams lately.”

  “About that hospital place?” asked Nathan.

  “No, about something else,” said Casper.

  “Why did you say Taylor?” Ethan asked me, still visibly upset.

  “Taylor.” I repeated. “Yes, Taylor. I saw you,” I said, speaking to Casper. “But it wasn’t you. It was and it wasn’t. Oh, it’s all so confusing.”

  “Just tell us what you’ve been dreaming,” said Ethan. He was clearly very interested. He and Nathan had drawn closer.

  “I’ve been having these dreams at night. I’m myself in the dreams, but I’m someone else too. It’s like I’m them and me at the same time. Sometimes I look like me, and sometimes I look like someone else. Casper is in my dreams, but he’s not just Casper. He’s Casper and some other boy. He looks like himself sometimes, and like some other boy sometimes too.”

  “What do you look like, when you’re the other boy?”

  “Brown hair, brown eyes, about my height, but a slimmer build, good looking.” I paused. “It doesn’t make sense, but I think I’m wearing a soccer uniform part of the time.”

  Both Ethan and Nathan grew pale at my words, but I had no idea why.

  “And Casper, what does Casper look like when he’s another boy?” asked Ethan.

  “Taller, about my height too. Blond hair, but real long, blue or green eyes, beautiful, almost too beautiful to look at. Taylor. His name is Taylor.”

  Nathan looked
visibly scared and Ethan looked half scared, half angry. I didn’t understand.

  “If this is a joke…” said Ethan. His voice was menacing.

  “It’s not a joke.” I looked at him confused. He grew less belligerent.

  “What happens in the dreams?”

  “In most of them I’m just real worried. I’m afraid something is going to happen to the boy, the boy that’s Casper and Taylor. I’m sick with worry. It’s tearing me up. I almost can’t go on it’s so bad. But tonight, it was a hundred times worse. I was walking, walking toward the school, toward the soccer fields. I knew he was there. I knew he was lying there dead, but when I got there he wasn’t there at all.”

  “When you got where?”

  “Soccer goal,” I said, swallowing. “When I got there, all I could feel was grief. I knew he was dead. Casper was dead, but he wasn’t Casper. He was Taylor. I had something in my hand, something I pulled out of a bag I was carrying. It was a gun. Yes, a gun. I pointed it to my head and…”

  “Stop it! Just stop it!” cried Ethan. I looked at him. I didn’t understand why he was so upset by my dream. He ran out of the room. Nathan followed him.

  “It was just a dream,” said Casper, smoothing my hair. I looked at him.

  “You were dead.” I was so upset I could barely speak.

  “It was just a dream,” repeated Casper. “I’m here. I’m alive. It’s okay, Brendan.”

  Casper stayed with me the rest of the night. I felt like a little boy who was afraid of monsters under his bed. I don’t think I could have slept if Casper wasn’t there. I knew it was just a dream, but it had seemed so real. I couldn’t

  276 A Better Place

  shake it. It terrified me. I thought about Ethan. Something about it got to him too. It didn’t make sense. Why should my dream affect him so?

  * * ** At breakfast the next morning, no one mentioned my dream. I knew that Ethan in particular wanted to talk about it, but no one breathed a word. I think the others didn’t want to talk about it in front of Uncle Jack and Ardelene, but I’m not sure why.

  Ethan looked at me oddly whenever our paths crossed at school that day. The look on his face was hard to comprehend. He seemed almost angry, but yet afraid, upset, and sad all at the same time. I didn’t know what was going on with him, but I knew it had something to do with my dream.

  Uncle Jack was doing some repairs on the tractor that evening, so we were all out clearing brush again. It didn’t take long for Ethan to ask me about my dream, although he seemed almost afraid to bring it up. I had the distinct feeling he’d tried to bring up the topic several times on the way home from school, but just couldn’t bring himself to do it.

  “No one ever told you about Mark and Taylor did they?” he asked me. “Uh no,” I said, a little confused. Ethan looked at me closely, as if deciding if I was telling the truth or not. Apparently he decided I was being truthful. “Mark was a really good friend of mine. Taylor was a pretty good friend too

  for that matter. They were like us, gay, and pretty much everyone at school

  made their lives a living hell for it. Devon was the worst, but there were others.

  It got so bad Taylor killed himself, by the soccer goal.” He paused for a

  moment and the meaning of his words sunk in. I’d dreamed something that

  had really happened.

  “Mark couldn’t take it. He was torn up by it beyond repair. He went out to

  the soccer goal that very night and blew his brains out on the very spot where

  Taylor was found that morning.”

  “I was dreaming about them,” I said. “But how? I never knew what you just

  told me. I’ve never even heard their names before.”

  “We saw them,” said Casper.

  “Huh?” I said, looking at him.

  “Remember, the day we came to Verona? We hid out in the cemetery until

  school hours were over. We saw their names on the tombstones, side by side. Remember? Mark and Taylor, they died the same day. We were wondering

  what had happened to them.”

  Nathan nodded. The graves were those of Ethan’s friends.

  “But how?” I stopped before I even finished the question. I knew it was a

  question that no one could answer.

  “Maybe it was a warning,” said Nathan. “Maybe something bad is going to

  happen, unless we stop it.”

  “Devon?” asked Ethan, to no one in particular. “Maybe it has to do with

  him and Zac talking to Casper. Maybe they have something horrible planned.” A shiver went up my spine and I looked at Casper. I couldn’t bear the

  thought of anything happening to him. Casper looked scared.

  Nathan

  I felt someone looking at me as I opened my locker. I knew even before I turned around that I was being watched. My heart skipped a beat when I saw who it was—Devon. He just looked at me coldly, and then went on, but it scared me. I’d always been afraid of Devon, especially after that night he and his buddies attacked Ethan and me. I knew that Ethan, Brandon, and Jon were looking out for me, but he still scared me. I thought that after Brandon almost killed him he’d be too afraid to try anything else. I knew he was terrified of Brandon, but maybe he was off enough in the head that it wouldn’t stop him. Maybe I was just being paranoid, but I was sure going to watch my back.

  My thoughts of Devon were distracted by a couple of girls giggling at me. I couldn’t catch much of what they said, but I thought I heard “boyfriend” in there somewhere. I turned a little red. Sometimes girls giggled at me like that. They weren’t usually being mean or anything, but it kind of made me uncomfortable. It kind of made me feel proud too, having everyone know that I was Ethan’s boyfriend.

  It really surprised me when the girls walked right over to me. None of them had ever done that before. I didn’t quite know what to think. They giggled a little more before speaking.

  “Your boyfriend’s really hot. You are so lucky,” said one of the girls. I think her name was Cindy. I didn’t quite know how to take what she said, but she seemed to mean it.

  “I think so,” I said shyly. “He’s so built. I used to have a crush on him,” she admitted. “Well, I kind of still do, but I guess I don’t have a chance with him.”

  “Sorry,” I said “you’re not quite his type.”

  “I know.”

  278

  “Not that you aren’t pretty,” I said. She smiled. Ethan walked up just then and the girls giggled more. He said “hi” to them and they got all excited like he was some kind of rock star or something. It was kind of funny.

  “Hey, I’ll be just a little late after school. I need to talk to Brandon. Tell the guys, okay?”

  “Sure,” I said. I looked into Ethan’s eyes. He leaned over and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. The girls just stood there and watched. I think Ethan did it for their benefit. I saw a little smile on his lips as he left.

  “Gay boys are so hot!” said the girl with Cindy. I turned a little red, but I liked what she said. I agreed with it too.

  Having the whole school know Ethan was my boyfriend was quite an experience. At first, I was kind of scared. I think the most difficult times were those few moments when he was telling his wrestling team that he was gay. I stood by him then and I’m sure they suspected I was his boyfriend. We didn’t make any effort to keep it a secret after that and in a few days they knew for sure. Ethan’s team-mates had been really cool about it, however, and that gave me hope. As time passed, I realized that it wasn’t that big of a deal to anyone. Everyone had been shocked when they found out Mark and Taylor were gay. Those two boys had a very rough time. What happened to them taught everyone a lesson about acceptance, however. Because of them, I could walk down the halls and not be harassed or called names. It’s just too bad they had to die for everyone to understand.

  A few guys gave me a bit of a rough time, but nothing major. There were a few snickers and I’ve he
ard them say things like “fairy boy” under their breaths as I passed, but that was the extent of it. After Mark and Taylor killed themselves, it just wasn’t cool to give gay boys a hard time. A lot of people felt responsible for their deaths, and they were right.

  I think that most of the boys at school would’ve been too afraid to cause trouble, even if they wanted to. Ethan could kick about anyone’s ass that crossed him and they knew it. Ethan had some good friends that stood by us, and they’d become my friends. Anyone that messed with Ethan or me had to deal with Brandon, Jon, and Ethan’s teammates as well. All of Mark and Taylor’s old friends looked out for us too, even the one’s we didn’t know all that well.

  The girls were the ones I really noticed. They had the most interesting reactions to Ethan and me being gay, and being boyfriends. I think a lot of them were surprised to find it out, especially since Ethan was such a jock. After Mark and Taylor, they shouldn’t have been so surprised. Both of those boys were major soccer jocks and they were lovers.

  Some of the girls giggled when we were around, like Cindy and her friend. Most of them just watched us. That always made me a little uncomfortable, but it wasn’t too bad. I never felt like they were making fun of us, or putting us down in any way. They just seemed curious. I still couldn’t believe Ethan had kissed me in front of those girls, however. He’d never done something like that before. I kind of liked it. It was uncomfortable, but it was fun too. I was wondering if maybe we shouldn’t just make out right in front of them and see what happened. The shock value would sure be interesting.

  Stephanie walked by just then. She was another one that had been torn up by Mark and Taylor’s death. She had been Tay’s “girlfriend” for a while, when he and Mark were trying to hide that they were gay. She’d been real hurt when she found out the truth, angry too. Taylor’s death had hit her hard. I saw her crying for days after he died. Despite everything, she must have still cared for him.

  I’d noticed something about Stephanie, something peculiar. Stephanie was putting on a lot of weight. She’d been getting bigger and bigger. There were rumors going around about her, rumors that said she wasn’t just getting fat. The more I looked at her, the more I was sure the rumors were true. I just wondered who the father was.