Trusting You

by Heather D'Agostino

  “Doesn’t matter to me,” I slowly lowered myself onto the cushion beside him. We were barely touching, but that didn’t seem to stop my body from reacting. My heart was racing like it did when I was thirteen and had my first kiss. My palms were beginning to sweat, and I wondered what to do. Did I take things further? Did I let him? Did I keep things the way they were? Would moving forward wreck whatever was happening here? Did he even want me like that? The questions kept coming, and I couldn’t seem to figure out how to stop them, let alone answer them.

  “What’s going on in there?” he tapped my forehead. “You look like you’re going a million miles a minute and you’re heading for a wall full speed.”

  “Nothing,” I stammered. Great, he’d caught me. I didn’t even know if I should tell him the truth at this point. I was a hypocrite. I’d been telling him since we met that I wasn’t going to be with him like that, and now I was thinking that I wanted to.

  “Ok,” he turned back to the dark TV screen and lifted the remote that I now noticed was in his hand. He paused before turning it on, and I saw him curse himself. His eyes closed as he pinched his lips together trying to force himself to let it go, but he couldn’t. “I can’t do this,” he sighed before he tossed the remote on the table, and placed his hands on his bent knees.

  “Do what?” I put more space between us as I turned in his direction.

  “Pretend that this isn’t killing me,” he muttered. He rubbed his palms up and down his thighs before he shoved himself upright. He started pacing the small space beside me like a caged animal. “I like you. You like me, at least I think you do. You give me these looks that tell me you want more, but I’m trying to not be an ass. I don’t want to push you, but sometimes it seems like that’s what you want. I don’t know how to sit here and just be with you. I’m trying… so hard. I just don’t want to fuck this up.” He stopped moving and stared at me. “Tell me you want more. Tell me I’m not reading this wrong. Tell me you’re fighting whatever this is as much as me,” his nostrils flared as he took a deep breath. I watched the confusion and desire wage war in him as he stood there staring at me. He was giving me an out. He was telling me all I had to do was give him a simple yes or no answer and he would either back off or give me everything he’d ever promised.

  “I’m leaving in a couple of hours,” I motioned to the clock on the wall in a feeble attempt to delay my answer.

  “Don’t care,” he moved closer to me and reached down for my hands. He pulled me up to stand in front of him. His head tipped forward causing his forehead to touch mine, and his eyes closed. “Tell me you want this,” his whisper was almost strangled, and I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed tightly.

  He’d been so patient, so sweet, and here he was waiting for me to say yes. How could I possibly turn him away? How could I tell him that every part of my being was drawn to him? I sucked in a deep breath before whispering, “I want this.”

  “Are you sure?” his eyes squeezed shut again.

  I nodded before pulling back and looking up into his eyes, “Let’s go back to your room.”

  He threaded our fingers together before turning to lead me back down the hallway. It seemed like a longer walk than before, and when he pushed open the door, it seemed brighter. My heart began to race, and nerves that I’d been keeping at bay all night were rushing to the surface. You would think by the way I felt, that I’d never done this before.

  “Relax,” Aaron soothed as he closed door and flicked the lock. “I would never hurt you.”

  “I know,” I swallowed as I watched him move around the room.

  He came to a stop in front of me, and wrapped me in his arms. I shivered once again before he leaned down and brushed his lips over mine. It was tentative at first, but then he began to apply pressure. Aaron was a good kisser, and I couldn’t help but melt into him. He had this way of making you forget time, and just want to be devoured.

  His tongue swept in as my hands slid up his arms and linked behind his neck. I played with the soft hair at his nape as he pulled us closer together. He was hard, I could feel it, and he groaned when I rubbed my hips against his.

  He began to move me backwards towards the bed, and when my legs hit it, he leaned forward, causing me to me lie back. We moved together until we were centered before I felt one of his hands begin to move up my side. His fingers brushed against the soft skin at my ribs before he ventured higher under the hoodie. “If I do something you don’t want me to do, you have to tell me,” he paused as he broke the kiss and his eyes met mine.

  I nodded before I gripped the back of his head and pulled him back to me. When our lips met again, I lifted my hips to rub against him and sighed. “You’re killing me,” he murmured as he paused.

  “Why’s that?” I teased as I released his head.

  “Because all I want to do it rip this all off of you, but I need to go slow,” he grumbled.

  I pressed on his chest before sitting up. “I’ll help you,” I smiled as I tried to look brave when in reality I was more nervous than I’d ever been. I grabbed the bottom of the hoodie, pulled it over my head, and tossed it to the side. I was sitting there in just his pants and my pale-yellow bra. “Your turn,” I bit my bottom lip. Aaron grinned before reaching behind his head, and grabbing his polo by the collar. He pulled it over his head and tossed it behind him before his eyes met mine.

  “I like this better,” he chuckled as he leaned forward, causing me to fall back on my back. “Much better,” he mumbled against my neck as he leaned in and resumed kissing my jaw.

  I ran my palms down his bare chest, and felt the muscles jump, “Me too.” When I reached the waistband of his shorts, I slipped my fingers underneath to feel nothing but soft skin. I tried not to react, but my brain wasn’t fast enough.

  “Never was a fan of boxers,” he chuckled as he used one hand to pop the button loose. “My turn to help,” I couldn’t see his face from the position we were in, but I could hear the grin in his laughter.

  He tugged at where I had the sweatpants tied, and when the knot gave way, he slowly tugged them down. “This ok?” he paused and when I didn’t answer, he lifted his eyes to meet mine. “Mel?”

  “I’m fine,” my voice was weak, but it was more from desire than nerves at this point. I hadn’t been this worked up in years, and Jason had been the last man to touch me.

  “You don’t sound very convincing,” he continued to stare.

  “It’s fine,” I tried harder to prove to him that I wanted what we were doing. “Don’t stop,” I reached up and before thinking too much about it, I shoved my hand down the front of his shorts.

  “Fuck!” he growled as I wrapped my fingers around his cock. I let them dance up down his length as I watched his eyes roll back in his head.

  “I’m fine,” I reiterated before stroking him with more force. He placed a quick kiss that was full of promise to my lips before breaking away and leaving me lying there. He scrambled over to his nightstand, and yanked it open. After a few seconds of rummaging, he returned pinching a condom between his fingers. I sighed in relief that he remembered, and that I wasn’t going to have to ask him to use one.

  “Hold that thought,” he tore open the wrapper and sheathed himself as he kicked his shorts off the rest of the way. I shoved the sweats the rest of the way off before staring at him once again. “We don’t have to do this. You know that, right? This wasn’t what tonight was about,” he moved over me on his hands and knees.

  “I know,” I reached up and cupped his cheek. “I’m ready,” I ran the arch of my foot over his calf.

  He swallowed as he positioned himself and began to press forward. I could feel the burn that I knew would accompany this. It’s been almost 3 years since I’d been with a guy, and Aaron wasn’t small. I tried to relax as much as I could, but it still hurt.

  “Are you ok?” he murmured as he paused, waiting for me to adjust. I took a few deep breaths before nodding.

  “It’s ok. Move,
” I lifted my hips to allow him to sink farther. That must have been all the encouragement he needed because he began to pull back before thrusting forward a little harder.

  “Fuck,” he groaned. “You’re so tight.” He swiveled his hips as he leaned down and connected our mouths once again.

  We moved like a machine. Aaron knew exactly what to do to bring pleasure, and when to let up. We were like puzzle pieces that had finally been connected in the right place. I’d never felt as connected to someone as I did in that moment. The idea that he could break my heart still scared the shit out of me, but I knew in this moment that he was it. Aaron was the person my soul had been searching for, I just wondered if he felt it too.

  “Shit, I’m gonna come,” he growled as he began to speed up. My back arched off the bed, and right as I began to lose it, he released a feral roar. We collapsed together in a heap of tangled limbs, gasping for breath. Aaron rolled to one side and discarded the condom before pulling back the covers on the bed.

  As we climbed underneath, he opened his arms and beckoned me into his embrace. He turned off the light before turning us onto our side. As he pulled my back to his chest, he buried his face in my hair. He sighed and in a voice barely above a whisper, murmured in my ear. “I think I love you,” before closing his eyes and falling asleep.

  I wanted to say it back, but I couldn’t. I told myself I couldn’t love him. I couldn’t let him break my heart. I couldn’t get attached. We could be whatever this was, but we couldn’t be a forever. I just couldn’t.

  Chapter 13

  Aaron

  The predawn light shining through my windows woke me from one of the best night’s sleep I’d had in a long time. It wasn’t that I had a woman with me, but it was HER. Melinda had spent most of the night cuddled into my side, and her soft breathing had lulled me into a deep sleep. I even dreamed that I told her I loved her.

  I knew I had to take her back to Emma’s, so I reached across the bed to wake her, but was met with cold sheets. My eyes blinked open, not believing that she was gone, but she was. I sat up, rubbed my eyes, and glanced around the room. The only thing remaining was the torn condom wrapper on the floor by the bed. My red lifeguard sweats were neatly folded on my desk chair, and all signs she’d been there were wiped clean.

  I stood and pulled on a pair of shorts before shuffling out to the living room. When I looked around, no sign of her existed. “What the hell?” I muttered before pulling a shirt on, slipping into my flip flops, and grabbing my keys. I had no idea why she would leave like that, but I planned to find out. She’d pulled a fast one on me, and now I wondered if all of this was just a game to her.

  I rushed outside, and climbed into my Jeep, ignoring the beautiful sunrise that was coming up over the ocean. Normally I would sit and enjoy it. Nighttime and sunrise were the most beautiful times to be near the water. The breeze was chilly as it wrapped around me, causing me to shiver. I cursed and grumbled as I climbed in the Jeep and began heading toward my uncle Nick’s house. If I was lucky, I’d catch her before she got away, and we’d be alone.

  When I pulled into the driveway, I saw Emma’s car was missing. I never knew my cousin to get up this early, so it surprised me that she had. I didn’t know if it was Em’s or Mel’s idea to leave early. My stomach dropped when I realized that she never planned to say goodbye. What was last night even about?

  “You’re up early,” Ryan’s voice startled me when he stepped out of the storage shed from under the house. He was dressed in a wetsuit with his board under his arm. “Wanna come with?” his head jerked in the direction of the water.

  “Not today. Where’s your sister?” I snapped. I knew I sounded annoyed, but he’d pissed me off enough lately that I didn’t need a reason to be mad at him.

  “Left about an hour ago. You sure? The waves are killer this morning,” he strapped the cuff around his ankle before he began to jog away.

  “Maybe next time,” I muttered before stomping up the steps. I came to a halt when I got to the back deck. Uncle Nick and Aunt Leah were sitting on a lounger sipping coffee. I glanced around thinking I might find my dad, but no such luck.

  “What are you doing up so early?” Nick rocked forward and set the coffee cup he was holding on the small table beside him.

  “Looking for your daughter,” I searched the area knowing I wouldn’t find her. Ryan had already said she left, but somewhere in the back of my mind I was hoping he was lying.

  “They left a while ago,” he shifted in his chair before putting his arm around Aunt Leah’s shoulders. She leaned into his side, and rested her head on his chest.

  “Sounded like you screwed up,” she murmured with a slight lilt in her voice.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I tapped my foot in annoyance.

  “Em never leaves this early. I heard her talking to Mel real early this morning. She was trying to calm her down, but finally gave up and agreed to leave. What did you do?” the side of her mouth curved up on one side as she watched me. It was like she knew a secret that I was supposed to know too, but I didn’t.

  “I didn’t do anything,” I muttered.

  “Maybe that’s the problem,” Uncle Nick rolled his eyes.

  “You two are worse than Dad. Just tell me what it is I’m supposed to know,” I waved my arms out to the side.

  “You used the ‘L’ word. Ring any bells?” Uncle Nick chuckled. “Took your dad months to tell your mom that.”

  “I did not,” I frowned. “Did I?”

  “From what we heard, that’s exactly what you did,” Aunt Leah laughed.

  “Fuck!” I hissed. “That wasn’t a dream.”

  “Aaron,” Uncle Nick glared at me.

  “Sorry,” I grimaced. I usually worked really hard not curse in front of them, but today I wasn’t really thinking straight. Had I really told her I loved her? In my dream, I said I loved her, and she didn’t say it back. Was that real? If it was, why didn’t she say it back? Had she been lying to me all this time about her feelings? I needed to call Brock. He would know what was going on. There was no way Em would leave town without telling him bye. “I gotta go,” I huffed as I turned and rushed down the stairs.

  “Where ya going?” Uncle Nick teased.

  “To fix this,” I shouted as my feet hit the pavement below the house. Brock could tell me what was going on, and then I was going to find her and straighten this out.

  Melinda

  “So you want to tell me why you’re so desperate to get back to school?” Emma nudged me as we cruised down the highway. The sun was barely above the trees, but I was wide awake.

  “Not really,” I muttered as I shifted in my seat, and pulled the hood up on my hoodie.

  “I just rushed out of my house like it was on fire. Lied to my parents so we could leave, and barely got a goodbye kiss from my fiancé. I need more than a ‘not really’, Mel,” Emma sighed.

  “He said he loved me,” I mumbled as I stared out the window. I didn’t want to see her reaction. She was right, I was acting crazy.

  “Excuse me?” the car swerved before she shoved me in the shoulder. “Did I hear you right?”

  “Depends on what you heard?” I curled into a tighter ball before checking my phone to see if my mom had called me back.

  “It sounded like you said he told you he loved you,” she waited as if I’d correct her.

  “I did.”

  “And?” she pressed.

  “And nothing,” I shrugged.

  “What do you mean, nothing? I thought you liked him too?” she glanced at me.

  “I do, but I can’t love him,” I wiped at my eyes as I felt them well.

  “Why?”

  “You wouldn’t understand. I just can’t. I needed to leave to get away from him. Staying was only going to make it worse. I should have never come in the first place,” I chastised myself.

  “What are you talking about? I saw you yesterday when you were getting ready for that date. You were happy. You were
the happiest I’ve ever seen you. What changed since then?”

  “He told me he loved me,” I swallowed as I got ready to divulge the rest. I’d never been one to kiss and tell, “right after I slept with him.”

  “Whoa! What?” Emma’s head snapped back like I’d slapped her.

  “We had a great night, and then we went back to his place, and it just kinda happened,” I murmured. “I kinda made it happen.”

  “What are you so afraid of?” Emma whispered. I couldn’t tell if she was talking to me or herself.

  “More than I can tell you,” I sighed as I went back to staring out the window. The truth was, I couldn’t tell her what she wanted to know, just like I couldn’t tell Aaron that I loved him. This whole thing was a mess, and the quicker I moved on and pretended it never happened, the better we’d all be.

  We hit the state line before my phone started blowing up. I knew when Aaron woke up and found me gone, he’d start calling. The calls came every few minutes at first, then the texts started. When I didn’t answer him, he began calling Emma. After three hours into the drive, I let her answer him. I made her swear to not tell him anything I’d said, and after a few choice words from him, he finally let it go.

  “I hope you know what you’re doing,” Emma sighed. “I don’t think he’s going to fight anymore. I think you’ve finally pushed him so hard that he’s going to give up.”

  “That what he needs to do,” I mumbled as I leaned against the window and closed my eyes, effectively ending the conversation. I needed to him to stop trying so hard. I needed him to move on. Last night was amazing. Being with Aaron was better than I ever thought it could be. It would be a memory that I would always treasure, but it had to be just that… a memory. Anything more, and I wouldn’t survive the fallout that was inevitably going to happen. My past would blow us up, he just didn’t know it yet.

  Chapter 14

  Aaron

  “Do you plan on going to class today?” Brandon’s voice grated on my nerves, causing me to pull the pillow over my head harder.