Leaving

by Audrey Holland

  “Mom,” I started when she placed the teapot on the table and sat down again. “First off, we are not moving in with you. He just said that because he knows you don’t want little children around that much. He is very subtle—he will always say what he thinks you want to hear. Especially if he thinks it will get you thinking along the lines that will serve his wishes. He has done that to me ever since we married. In fact, I now see that it started even before then.” I looked sadly at her. “Nobody told me a lie. I caught him screwing around on me with his sister’s maid of honour. He thinks by denying it, it will all go away and he is acting like a child. As for the tears, well, I have learned over the years that he uses them to get his way, much like a spoiled child does. He turns them on and off at will. I’ve seen him do it and he’s done it many times to me. I don’t pay any attention to his tears anymore.”

  Mom stared at me with her mouth open. “But he is so nice!”

  “No, Mom, he is not nice. He is a cruel, manipulative man,” I answered.

  “Oh no, Judy! You have let your imagination run away with you. Everyone thinks the world of Brad. He’s just about the nicest person I have ever met.”

  “Really, Mom, he is not nice. I have lived with him. He is a master at pretending and a control freak. I still cannot figure out why I put up with it for so long. This is not the first time he has cheated, but it is definitely the last time he will cheat on me. I will never go back. I will never forgive him.”

  Mom let out a long sigh. She knew me. I have been stubborn since I was tiny. Once my mind was made up, there was no changing it. She could argue until she was blue in the face; it would only make me more determined.

  “Brad also told me that you stole a great deal of money from him before you left.” She looked at me with real fear in her eyes. “If you don’t go back, he said he would press charges against you for theft and take the boys away from you.”

  I exploded. “I took five thousand dollars out of our joint bank accounts. That is not theft. It is less than half of what he took from me when we got married. I have been forced to do without so many things during our marriage. He even controlled what I spent the household money on. I have never met anyone so cheap. I’ve had to make do for too long. He wouldn’t even let me buy new clothes for the boys. They wear second hand clothes all the time. Our furniture is the cheapest he could find and real ugly. The couch and our bed broke within the first month we had them. They’re propped up with bricks! I have been so embarrassed about my home that I never ask anyone to visit!”

  I swallowed and forced my voice back to a normal level. “I had a run-in with Brad when I was leaving and his partner and sergeant were witnesses. Just let him try to charge me. And why would he take the boys? The only time he notices them is to knock them around.”

  “Oh, please calm down. Your voice carries and the boys are going to hear you.” Mom patted my arm reassuringly.

  I took a deep breath and sat back, sipping my tea and forcing the blood to stop pounding in my veins. When I was calm again I looked at her. “Mom, it is really over. There is no going back. It is all real, I did not imagine anything. His partner, Fred, knows about his cheating and I think his sergeant does too. So does his family. I will not go into details. I don’t want to upset you any more than I already have.”

  “Oh dear, what will you do now?”

  “Well, I’m going to stay the night and maybe tomorrow, then I’m going to take off. When I find somewhere I can settle, I’ll get a job and make a new life for myself and my boys. I’ll keep in touch with you during that time as long as you promise that you will not tell Brad where we are. Will you?”

  Mom sat with her eyes downcast for a long time. “I don’t think I can do that,” she said quietly. “I still think you are wrong about Brad and you’re just being stubborn.”

  I looked at her in dismay. “You feel that strongly about him that you are willing to lose your daughter and grandchildren?”

  Mom looked at me as if I had lost my mind. “Don’t be silly. As soon as you come to your senses, you’ll be back. It’s a lot tougher out there than you think.”

  I had a distinct feeling that she thought it would not take more than a couple weeks. The disappointment speared through my insides like a knife. He had turned my own mother against me. He was trying to control both of us.

  I finished my tea, got up and set the kitchen straight without another word. Then I called the boys in and after giving each a bath, I put them to bed.

  I spent an uncomfortable couple of hours visiting with mom, refusing all attempts to bring Brad back into the conversation. We both retired to bed, very unsatisfied with each other. While I was undressing, it suddenly occurred to me just where I got my stubborn streak from. My mom. I smiled sadly and climbed into bed. I decided that I would just have to find a way to keep in touch without letting her know where I was. Maybe I could come home to visit now and then. I wasn’t going to tell my mother where I was living until she accepted my decision. And I didn’t think that was going to happen anytime soon.

  ON MY OWN

  I left the next afternoon. It was just too uncomfortable with mom. I drove north until I reached Kamloops and then went to the Employment Office and checked for jobs. There was nothing other than waitressing jobs available.

  I sat and thought for several hours while I let the boys play in a school playground. East to Calgary? North to Prince George? I wasn’t sure which way to go so I just headed out north. Brad had relatives in Calgary so that was out. I was heading towards Edmonton but not sure I wanted to go there. I drove all day and it was slow going. The boys were fussy and I had to stop every couple of hours. They were bored with riding in the van so much. When night came, I pulled off into a picnic area and moved a bunch of boxes outside so we had enough room to sleep. I fed the boys, washed them in a nearby stream and put them to bed.

  I walked to the picnic table and sat, watching the moon come up and the stars slowly appear. It felt good to know that I would never have to put up with Brad’s bad temper and infidelity again. I sat quietly for several hours and then crawled into bed beside my children. The next morning I let the boys play for an hour or two. I had my fishing pole and decided to drop a line in the stream. Fishing had always been a favourite sport of mine before I married. Brad didn’t like any sports; he preferred to just sit on the couch and watch someone else. After a few casts, I pulled out a nice sized trout. I dropped my line in again and soon had a second one. It was enough for our breakfast. I put the fishing pole away and lit a fire. I dug around until I found a frying pan and a can of lard.

  The boys came running when the fish was cooked. They squealed and jumped up and down. I gave them both a piece after I had carefully removed all the bones. They ate every bit of their fish and most of mine. Again I wasn’t able to force much down. At this rate I was going to have to buy some new clothes.

  We drove on and reached Valemont at lunch time. The boys begged for a burger and fries. I relented and took them to lunch. They had a great time. They were clowning around and I let them. I sat back and laughed at their antics. They weren’t disturbing anyone else and I knew they could never have acted like this with their father around. He would have hauled them outside and paddled them until they were screaming. They would have been sent to bed without supper. After lunch, I went to the Employment Centre across the street. I read the board with the boys sitting quietly in chairs nearby. I spotted one that interested me. It was for a ranch north of Valemont that needed a cook and riders. I knew I qualified as both. Before I married Brad, I had worked on a cattle ranch for several years.

  I took the slip of paper to the counter and waited for the clerk.

  “Is this job still available?” I asked.

  The man took the slip of paper and went to his desk. He came back a minute later. “Yes, they still need a cook and a couple more riders.”

  I nodded. “Good. How do I get there?”

  He pulled out a road map. “Well, y
ou go towards Jasper for a ways and then turn north on highway sixteen. You go through McBride and then turn right on River Road. Drive right to the end.”

  I nodded, collected the boys and headed out. We reached McBride late in the afternoon. I decided that I wanted to show up and ask for the job in clean clothes and with my hair freshly shampooed. I pulled into a motel and took a room for me and the boys. We had supper in the restaurant next door and then the boys watched TV while I filled the tub and climbed in for a good long soak. It was the first time I had been able to do this since before leaving for Regina. I shampooed my hair and sat for the next hour drying it. It hung in a shimmering wave almost to my waist. The boys had fallen asleep in front of the TV and I gently packed them both to bed and then climbed in beside them.

  The next morning, I got the boys up early and, after we all showered, we grabbed a quick breakfast and headed out. We reached the ranch a couple of hours later. It was about eight in the morning when I pulled into the yard. It was quiet as all the men had left for the day. I stood and looked around. It was a big place with a large log house, a bunkhouse, a huge barn and lots of other buildings. I led the boys to the house and gently admonished them to behave. I was met at the door by an older woman.

  “Hello,” the woman asked. “Are you lost?”

  I smiled. “No, actually I’m looking for work. I understand that you need a cook.”

  The woman looked surprised. She looked at me and then at the boys. “What about your children? Do you think you could handle cooking and taking care of them?”

  I smiled. “Yes, of course. They’re good kids.”

  The woman laughed. “Well, that was stupid. Of course you can. I did and I raised four of them. Come in and sit down.” She held the door wide. “How about a cup of coffee and a piece of toast for the boys? I’m sorry, I don’t have any cookies. Oh, by the way, I’m Rose Johnson. My husband Bert owns this place.”

  “Thank you. I’m Judy Mitch—oh, Judy Read. I’ve just gone back to my maiden name and I keep forgetting.”

  Rose led us inside. “Are you a widow?” she asked.

  I shook my head. “No, I’ve split up with my husband.”

  “Oh dear, and your boys are so young. Is there any chance on mending things?” She watched me with a worried frown.

  Again, I shook my head. “No, no chance at all.”

  We sat down at a long table. It was big enough for twelve or fourteen people to sit at. The kitchen was huge and well equipped. Rose handed me a cup and pointed at the coffee pot.

  “Please, help yourself. I need to sit a bit. I’ve had to handle the cooking and cleaning since our cook left. I’m getting too old to work this hard.”

  She did look weary, her face lined with fatigue and her grey hair standing out from her head. I guessed she was somewhere in her late sixties. She was a tiny woman, barely up to my shoulder and as thin as a girl.

  I smiled and got myself a cup of coffee and gave the boys a glass of milk each. There was a plate of leftover toast sitting on the table and I pushed it over where they could reach it. The table was still covered with the remains of breakfast and a lot of dirty dishes.

  “How many are there to cook for?” I asked.

  “Right now we have ten men, myself, my husband and our youngest son. That makes thirteen. And we’re looking for two more men. We don’t always have everyone here at once. But usually there are ten or more for three meals every day. And then there is the haying crew and the times when we have to feed the boys who drive the cattle up onto the range. You realize that you’d be working six days a week? And sometimes I’ll need your help on Sundays as well?”

  “Yes, I’ve worked on a ranch before. It wasn’t as big as this one. We usually had five or six people per meal.”

  Rose smiled. “Well then, do you still want the job? When can you start?”

  I laughed. “I can start right away.” I looked around at the kitchen. “As soon as I get this cleaned up, I need to know where I’ll be staying so I can unload my van.”

  I threw myself into cleaning the large kitchen. The poor woman had been barely keeping up with the cooking and the cleaning had suffered. It took me three hours to clean everything to my liking and get lunch ready for the men.

  They were working out in the field and Rose loaded the food into her battered old pickup truck and took the food to them. She invited us to come along but I declined. I wanted to finish cleaning and then get settled.

  Rose had earlier shown me the small cabin the boys and I would be living in. It was a short distance behind the house and in plain view from the kitchen. It was small and old but really nice. It had two bedrooms, a bathroom and a large room that served as kitchen, dining room and living room. It was also completely furnished. The furniture was old and some of it was pretty rough, but I didn’t mind. It hadn’t been lived in since the cook left and was badly in need of a clean.

  I unloaded all the boxes from the van and stacked them in the great room to go through later. I made up the beds and put Sam down for his nap. Then I went back up to the big kitchen and looked around for something to cook for supper. Rose returned and we unloaded her pickup. Then I loaded yet another stack of dishes into the big dishwasher.

  THE JOHNSONS

  I looked at the weary woman sitting at the table, pretending to be interested in Jesse’s ramblings. I walked over and winked at him.

  “Rose, tell me what you had planned for supper and then you go and lie down,” I said gently. She looked up at me and laughed. “If I lie down now I won’t get up for a year.”

  Jesse’s eyes flew open. “Really?”

  Rose laughed again and patted his hand. “Well, maybe,” she said. I smiled at her. “Well, if you do, don’t worry. We’ll see that nobody starves.”

  She showed me the big pot of stew that she was going to serve for supper. She explained that she usually made three days worth of suppers at once. I shooed her off to take a nap and then quickly went through the pantry and picked out something else to serve with it. There was, however, no more bread. I quickly calculated in my head. No time to bake bread now. I’d make dumplings to go on the stew, and biscuits—lots of biscuits. I also saw that there was nothing for dessert so I gathered up the fixings for a chocolate cake and a couple of batches of cookies. Thankfully, the pantry was very well stocked with ingredients. By now Sam was awake and I quickly changed him and then took him and Jesse to the large vegetable garden behind the house and had them help me pick vegetables for a big salad. The garden was in bad shape with weeds higher than the plants in places. I smiled sadly to myself. Good, weeding is therapy for the soul.

  We went back to the house and I left them to play outside while I added the dumplings to the stew and popped the biscuits in the oven. I washed and prepared the salad then set the table. I was busy taking the biscuits out of the oven and putting them in a couple huge bowls, when I heard Jesse talking to someone. I glanced out the window. There was a tall young man squatting down in front of my son, carefully examining the colourful rock Jesse was showing him. I expected him to straighten and walk away but he stayed where he was, listening to the small boy and answering his questions quietly. He had a nice, deep, soft voice. Then everyone seemed to arrive at once. I took my small sons and sat them at a side table where they wouldn’t get trampled. Most of the men were not used to having children around. I quickly served up the supper and they dug in. There wasn’t much conversation for the first twenty minutes or so. Just the sound of men eating. They were ploughing through the stew and dumplings and biscuits like they hadn’t eaten in a week. The salad had disappeared in a matter of minutes. I was getting worried that I hadn’t made enough when they slowly, one by one, started to sit back and relax.

  The tall young man who had been talking to Jesse smiled at me. “Hello, you must be our new cook. I’m Luke Johnson.” He stood up and held out his hand. I reached out to shake hands with him and found my hand completely engulfed in his. His hand was big and strong with
long fingers and neat, clean nails.

  “Hi, I’m Judy Read,” I said simply. I tried to pull my hand free but he held on and I looked up at him quizzically.

  He grinned. “I’m sure glad you’re here. You know, to help out my mom,” he quickly added at the look of alarm in my eyes.

  I ducked my head and nodded, but I could feel the blush creeping up my cheeks. The older man sitting at the head of the table cleared his throat.

  “Cut it out, Luke,” he said quietly. “You’re embarrassing the poor girl.” This was greeted by a chorus of jeers from the rest of the men.

  “Yeah, Luke, knock it off. Stop hitting on her.”

  Luke laughed, squeezed my hand and let it go. “Okay, okay. I am really happy to see her and she is a real good cook if those biscuits are any indication.”

  I quickly turned and fled into the pantry. It took me a minute to get control of myself. His big warm hand and his beautiful dark blue eyes had created a riot in my belly and I was sure he knew it as well. I took a deep breath, steeled myself and then returned with the chocolate cake and a big tub of ice cream I had found in the freezer. I put both in the middle of the table and let them help themselves.

  The older man smiled at me. “Hello, my wife told me that you’ve come to join us. I’m Bert Johnson, your new boss.”

  I smiled back at him. “Hello, it’s nice to meet you, too.”

  He looked around. “Where is Rose?”

  I looked up from wiping the chocolate from Sam’s face for the third time. “She went to take a nap a few hours ago. I guess she’s still sleeping.”

  He nodded and got up and headed toward the back of the house. “I better go check on her.”

  Luke watched him go with a worried frown.

  I cleared my throat. “Is there something wrong with your mother?” I asked him. “Something I should be aware of?”