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The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible

Page 45

by A. J. Jacobs

hammering out approach to, 11, 253-57, 283

  heavenly reward promised in, 114

  on obedience to human

  institutions, 283-84

  polygamy not overturned by, 136 see also Bible; specific books New York City:

  beards observed at fertility clinics of, 117

  coveting as energizer of, 26

  multicellular organisms in tap water of, 140

  return of the neorighteous to, 227-28

  70 percent of talk in, 99

  traffic signals as helpful hints in, 284

  ultrareligious compatriots in, 201 walking around with exposed cash in, 197

  New York City Atheists, 96-98

  New Yorker, 74, 338

  New York Times, 17, 71, 192, 264, 271, 272, 327, 340

  Nicodemus, "born again" confusing to, 290-91

  Nimoy, Leonard, racy use of tefillin by, 198

  9/11, God's judgment as cause of, 113, 260

  1976 Plymouth Valiant, odor of sanctity in, 8

  Nineveh, Jonah's refusal to preach to, 83

  Ninth Commandment, 54

  see also perjury

  Noah:

  as first flesh eater, 307

  Ham's mocking of, 242-43

  if he were alive today, 152

  Noah's Ark, 59-60, 62, 123, 218, 259 biblical instructions for building of (cubits, gopher wood, etc.), 77

  cute toys based on, 116

  Darwinian evolution at odds with, 67

  Noah's Ark: A Feasibility Study, 59-60

  animal exercise, ventilation system, explosive gases covered in, 59

  Numbers, Book of:

  on attaching blue thread to tassels, 180

  on the perfect red heifer, 188 on those who fell on their faces, 101

  on wearing tassels, 6

  obsessive-compulsive disorder ( OCD), 36, 48-49, 148

  religions preeminent in, 148

  October religious holidays, 78

  Office Space, 26

  Old Testament, 335

  creationism tied to, 56

  see also Hebrew Bible; Torah; specific books

  olive oil lamps, 304

  Onan, eponymous sin pinned on, 146,

  338

  144,000 pious souls, Heaven reserved

  for, 75

  Ono, Yoko, guru troubles of, 102 oral laws:

  Aunt Kate's reproachful reminder

  of, 12

  received by Moses on

  mountaintop, 69

  theological minimalist rejection

  of, 69

  Origen, over-hasty self-castration of,

  10

  Orthodox Jews, see Jews, Orthodox oxen, sacrifice of, 8

  paganism, 96, 151, 267

  Palestinians, 217

  Palm Treo, wrongs recorded as

  "Stuff" on, 273-74

  pantheism, 103, 152-53, 212

  paper cuts, painless slaughter likened

  to, 162

  parenting, 39-41

  of Bart Simpson vs. Flanders kids, 126

  cultist chill in, 7, 46, 103-4

  parenting (cont.)

  dangers in loosey-goosey style of, 125-26

  favoritism toward a twin in, 237- 40, 316-17

  at feeding time, 55

  free will and Purell applied in, 109

  hand spared "as object of love" in, 40

  as inevitably dishonest, 55-56

  Nerf bat used with predictable results in, 40-41

  nightmare scenario in, 39

  overprotectiveness in, 108-9, 310-11

  painful battles in, 278-79

  predominance of males in, 229-30

  shift away from extreme

  individualism in, 146

  transparency tried in, 55-56

  walloping as H-bomb of, 40 parents, honoring of, 8, 73, 140, 241-43

  by ancient Israelites, 241

  with biblical year in mind, 242-43

  guilt feelings about, 241-42 Pascal, Blaise, 249

  Pascal's wager, 249

  Passover, 87, 211

  Passover seder, Jacobs family, 233-36

  AJ's grandmother's childhood memories read at, 235-36

  AJ's raiment at, 234

  doorposts painted with lamb's blood at, 226, 235, 339

  ex-uncle's maniacal charisma needed at, 234

  past secular versions of, 233 Paul, Apostle:

  celibacy recommended by, 134, 286

  "Circumcise the heart" advised by, 319-20

  paganism, not homosexuality, seen as target of, 267

  on short hair for men, 11, 181

  as talking robot, 58

  see also specific epistles

  Paul (friend), 6, 231

  Pay It Forward, 310

  payot (side locks), 181-82, 202

  cute Israeli blond's fetish for fondling of, 288

  peace, striving for, 256

  Penuel, Jacob's divine wrestle at, 53

  People magazine, 108, 332

  people who look or act like:

  Garth Brooks, 161

  Gary Busey (if Gary Busey had his hair parted in the middle), 75 George Burns, 138

  Jack Nicholson (after electroshock therapy in Cuckoo's Nest), 188 Janis Joplin (thirty-five years later), 115

  Joe Torre, 270

  Kaczynski, Lincoln, or Moses, 3 Laurel and Hardy, 86

  Nick Nolte (after a couple of vodka tonics), 294

  Oscar de la Hoya, 49

  Paul Reubens, 60

  Ray Liotta (in Goodfellas), 310 Sean Penn (in I Am Sam), 152 Steve Buscemi, 297

  a strapping Jackie Mason, 97 they've just been circumcised, 55 Thomas Jefferson, 4

  an ultrareligious Donald Trump, 224

  Perelman, Ron, 167

  Perez and Zerah, 147, 315

  perjury, penalty for, 91

  Perkins, Bill, 287

  Peter, First Epistle of:

  on the end being at hand, 327 on obedience to the emperor, 283

  Peters, Bill, 64

  Pharisees, 198, 219

  sanctimonious legalism of, 119

  Philistines, Isaac's strategem against, 144

  Phillips, Kevin, 335

  pigeons, kosher, for mandated mother and egg separation, 184, 185-88

  "pigskin," overliteralization of, 203, 209

  pig's valves, life trumps all with, 336 Pirkei Avot: Ethics of the Fathers, 244 Playboy, Magic Marker censorship of, 130, 302

  playing cards, avoiding contact with, 203

  polygamy, 135-38, 187, 208, 337-38 ancient Israelite practice of, 135 Bible study helpful in arranging for, 137

  how to get the point across to wives in, 137-38

  persecution against, 138

  telling prospective second wife about the present wife in, 137

  polytheism, 183, 242

  pop culture:

  creationist monitoring of, 61 famed landmarks of, 132

  population boom, twins a

  contribution to, 159

  Portnoy, Eddy, 23

  AJ told of animal sacrifice venue over lunch with, 160

  poverty, the poor, 6, 197

  global, 64-65

  Red-letter Christian views on, 269-71

  sleep-induced, 106-7

  prayer, 21-22

  appealing repetitions of, 148 in bathroom Sabbath, 124

  cognitive dissonance

  demonstrated in, 21

  without conviction, 192-93

  decompression effect of, 127 "God willing," 236-37

  of grace, before or after meals, 95, 337

  intercessory, 127-28

  for Jasper, 247

  mojo at work by, 152

  prefabricated, 53

  punctual attendance at, 142 as sacrifice of time, 208

  scheduling of, 53, 126

  for serpent handlers, 299

  the Shema, 155, 242

  for spiritual guidance, 263

  study indicating potentially poor effects of, 128

  thanksgiving, 94-96, 208,
322-23, 329, 331

  when introducing one's first wife to polygamy, 137

  pregnancy:

  long-awaited, good things

  resulting from, 19-20

  as Lot's surprise, 233

  real, undisputed, and multiple, 158-59, 312

  in Tamar's tale, 146-47

  Previn, Soon-Yi, 28

  prodigal son, parable of, 274-75 profanity, 281-83

  see also forbidden speech

  Promised Land, 173

  prophets:

  as ancient David Blaines with orders from God, 88

  false, with loincloths on their heads, 89

  reading of, 37, 88-89

  Prosperity Gospel, The, 273

  prostitution, in Tamar's tale, 146-47 Protestantism, sola scriptura in, 70 Protestant Old Testament, 335

  Protestant Reformation, 105

  Proverbs, Book of:

  on avoiding knowledge displays, 116

  on avoiding wine and strong drink, 231, 232

  on being slow to anger, 16, 80

  on child rearing, 39-40, 108, 336

  on frankness trumping flattery, 195

  on he who is glad at calamity, 310

  on how lust can undo one, 128

  on how to come to a well-rested poverty, 106

  King Solomon's practical guidance in, 10, 39-40, 137

  on the Lord's keeping watch, 275

  on not boasting about tomorrow, 236

  on not despising one's neighbor, 115

  Proverbs, Book of (cont.)

  on the purposefulness of

  everything, 205

  on the rewards of righteousness, 249

  on truth telling, 6, 53, 54

  on walking with a forward gaze, 18

  on weights and measures, 229 winking decried in, 205

  on the wisdom of the humble, 30

  Psalms, Book of:

  on avoiding gossip, 99

  evidence against global warming found in, 260

  geocentricism also found in, 63 on God being with the righteous, 118

  interactive deity in, 52

  King David's authorship of, 137 "The Lord is all that" (hip-hop version), 9

  on the Lord's life-giving precepts, 147

  on monthly blowing the trumpet, 47

  on playing the harp of ten strings, 167

  on praise for the glory of the Lord, 207

  on praying to God, 247

  righteous urged to rejoice in, 250 on rising at midnight, 88

  on thanking and glorifying the Lord, 219

  "The Lord is my shepherd" (standard version), 21, 210 on unbelievers, 96

  on unborn child, 308

  on understanding God's precepts, 41

  on wine gladdening the heart, 231

  puns, winking with (antibiblical), 205

  Purim, unobserved, 209

  Puritans, Puritanism, 213

  AJ's antisex streak in line with, 288

  Epicureanism in biblical conflict with, 232, 239

  neo-, 129

  Sabbath taken seriously by, 71-72

  purity laws, 48-52

  fascinating but complex history of, in eight lines, 51

  home life challenged by, 51-52 Judaic fixation with, 148

  male haircutter required for, 181 Orthodox take on, 50

  Samaritan (superstrict), 218

  Purpose-Driven Life, The (Warren), 272

  Putnam, Robert, on "bowling alone," 214

  Qohelet, see Ecclesiastes

  rabbis, Sabbath "rest" explicated by, 12

  rabbits:

  inspire lively treatise on profanity, 281-83

  Wascally Wabbit now in cross hairs of creationists, 61 what they eat is their own

  business, 59, 166

  Rachel (Julie's friend), reassurances of purity from, 49

  racial intermarriage, creationist view of, 59

  racism, a lesson from Jesus on, 328

  Radical Honesty (Blanton), 196

  ram's horn, see shofar

  Reading the Bible Again for the First Time (Borg), 88, 284, 337, 338

  Rebecca, as Isaac's pretended sister, 144

  RECAP (Recover A Penis), 318

  reconstructionism, extremist views of, 293

  red heifer, 188-90, 192, 338

  biblical description and ritual of, 188

  end times and/or Jewish Messiah heralded by, 189

  sticky issues in breeding of, 189-90

  Red-letter Christians, 11, 67, 257, 269-71

  Black-letter backlash to, 271 literalism of, 270

  naming of, 270

  political and social orientation of, 270

  Prosperity Gospel seen as heresy by, 271

  Reiner, Rob, Meathead role of, 93

  religion(s):

  absolute statements mocked by, 336

  bowling alone or belonging in, 213-14

  classifying OCD traits in, 148 compassionate, at their best, 245 dining with a spokesman for the arrogant side of, 221-25 losing control seen as slippery slope in, 103-4

  picking and choosing in, see cafeteria religion

  role of choice and responsibility in, 143, 251, 268, 332

  science separate from, 67

  unexpectedly mundane aspects of, 172

  religious right:

  homosexuality a cultural

  obsession of, 266

  political links of, 270, 271

  radical teachings of Jesus ignored by, 270

  religious study, relentless growth of reading list for, 29

  Republican Party, religious right's ties to, 270, 271

  Rescuing the Bible from

  Fundamentalism (Spong), 290

  Reuben, Jacob's anger with, 230

  Revelation, Book of, futurist vs. pasthistorical view of, 191-92, 338-39

  Richards, Elton ("pastor out to pasture"), 192

  on Bible as divine snapshot, 328 on Falwell's Christianity vs. Jesus' message, 258

  on four types of prayer (ACTS), 94-95

  on how tithing should feel, 38 on inadequacy of Pascal's wager, 249

  majestic food metaphors of, 13, 48, 327

  on obedience to human vs. "higher" authority, 283-84 on verbal pollution, 157

  Richman, Chaim, 190

  Rick (cousin), 175

  righteous idiocy, 118-19, 227-28, 310 ritual bath, 221, 240

  rituals:

  bird's nest, 185-88

  dovetailing of AJ's OCD with, 148

  foot washing, 30, 303-4

  kaparot, 160-65

  of obsessive gratitude, 268-69 off-the-rack vs. concocting your own, 148

  of red heifer, 188

  on starting the day, 141-42

  tefillin wearing, 198-200

 

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