by Lee Quail
Joe needed help quickly. We needed to find him and end his deception. If I didn’t do something right away, Shane wouldn’t sleep. I gave him a mild sleeping tablet and while he dozed off I contacted Edward.
“Hey, dad. What’s up?”
“Joe.”
“Please tell me he’s been apprehended or found.”
“He phoned about an hour ago. We don’t know where he is, or whose phone he’s using. He threatened Shane.”
“How is Shane?”
“I’ve given him a sleeping tablet. He’s dozing off right now.”
“I’m coming over right now. Raw and me.”
“It’s okay, everything’s under control. Just make sure you guys are safe. Joe’s able to do anything. Phone me at once if he comes there.”
“I’ll tell Raw. Thanks, dad. Love you.”
“Love you more.”
I should have taken a sleeping tablet too because I couldn’t sleep. Instead, I paced the lounge in silence. With the awards in New York coming up, I had to be bright and diligent. But make no mistake, we had to find Joe.
Quickly.
16
“Honourable members of the United Nations, people of the world. I thank you for this most generous award from the bottom of my heart. I don’t deserve the accolade. You see, I’m just a normal gay man, an average human being in the service of the South African Air Force. That night in the Congo wasn’t all about me, it was a team effort. My men knew what they had to do; we just didn’t know how many lives we were saving at the time. War is an ugly face. It doesn’t see victim, doesn’t see transgressor, nor ally, doesn’t see illness or child, or joy, or sadness or women. It only feeds its selfish heart.
I dedicate this award to all those brave men, women and children who have given up something in their lives to make the lives of others tolerable. I thank you, and in the spirit of what we South Africans call Ubuntu, in the honour of all brave men and women out there, and until such time as there is no war, no deaths, no ravaging of people’s lives, until then, I am unable to accept this award. Thank you.”
The hall exploded into cries of surprise as Gregory left the podium and walked off backstage followed by a barrage of international press vying for a moment with this man who had just declined an award for bravery.
Edward and Raw rushed to meet him as he walked through the auditorium, into the foyer and out down the steps towards the basement parking where a South African Air Force chauffeur waited to whisk them away to their hotel.
In the car Edward spoke. “Dad, what the fuck just happened in there?”
“He did what he felt in heart was right.” Shane said, holding his hand tight.
“I’m shaking all over. Did you see them? Every one of them. Dignitaries, officers of all the major defence forces of the world, their wives dressed as if they’re part of a wild fashion show. While they wine, dine, and dish out awards left, right and centre, people are dying out there, being killed and forgotten every day. It’s been like that for thousands of years. I just said what I felt in my heart.”
“This was your moment, Dad,” Raw said.
“Yes, and I believe I did the right thing.”
“You’re the most honourable man I know, sir,” Raw said, smiling.
“You also came out in front of the world. What’s going to happen now?” Edward asked.
“I expect some general from the air force, even the ministry will berate me. Want me out. I’ll gladly go. I’ll gladly go into that dark night, and I know I won’t be sorry. I’m tired of running from myself. Now everyone knows I’m gay and that suits me down to the ground.”
Gregory’s cell phone buzzed. He handed it to Edward. “You answer, tell them I’m not available.”
“Hi, you’re though to Colonel Basye Sander. Can I help?”
“Sir, this is Randolph Green from the Gay Advocacy Group in New York and we’d love to spend some time talking to you. Maybe an interview. Please, sir. The gay community needs you right now. What you’ve done today is beyond heroism.”
“The colonel isn’t available for interviews with gay rights organisations right now.”
Gregory waved at Edward and took the phone from his hands.
“This is the Colonel speaking. You said which gay organisation?”
“Sir, we’re the largest gay activist organisation in the world. The Gay Advocacy Group of New York, otherwise known as GAG. Please, we’re asking for just a few moments of your time.”
“How did you get my number?”
“We have contacts in the United Nations, sir.”
“When?”
“At your hotel. In the hour. My name is Randolph Green and I’ll be there in about twenty minutes, is that okay?”
“I’ll see you shortly Mr. Green.” Gregory ended the call and pulled Shane into a secure embrace.
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m good. How are things with my hero?”
“I’m no hero, Shane…” But Gregory couldn’t talk. His throat constricted.
“You’re overwhelmed by it all, Dad. It’s okay.”
“Coming out in front of the UN Assembly is something heroes do,” Shane said.
“I did it for you, Sweet. I know how you feel about me being closeted and I did it for you.”
“You’re my fucking hero, Basye Sander. Mine.”
“I just want to be safe in your arms right now, Shane. I feel a little lost and empty.”
“No need. You have your whole family with you. We’re all proud of you. You have our full support. So don’t fret. It’s all good.”
17
The hotel had turned into a media hotspot.
“Go around the back. We’ve been through this, Dad. Believe me, it’s spooky.” Raw said, redirecting the driver.
“No. It’s okay. I don’t fear them. I did what I thought was right.”
“Are you sure? They’re ruthless.”
“I can be ruthless too.”
The moment they alighted from the car, a sea of cameras and cell phones and microphones honed in on them like drones coming in for the kill.
“Colonel, how do you feel about your rejection of the award?”
“You just came out as a gay man, do you think others will follow?”
“How do you feel now knowing that you’ve shoved a finger in the UN’s face?”
He ignored the questions as reporters shoved and pushed to get close to him.
“Do you think you still have a job in the air force now?”
Inside the foyer, they spotted Randolph Green with a camera and a microphone attached to it.
“Colonel,” the man greeted. Randolph Green from GAG. Is there somewhere we can talk without interruption?”
“Sure, in my room.”
They followed him up to his fifth floor apartment and the cameraman closed the door behind him.
GAG: You’ve just come out as a gay man, Colonel, in front of the entire United Nations and the world. How do you feel?
Greg: Free. I feel brand new. It was a hard decision to make. I should have come out a long time ago. We go about our daily lives and never think of the possibilities true freedom brings.
GAG: Some critics will doubt your motivation. They’ll say your coming out is unnecessary and you’re looking for sympathy for the Gay community, how do you respond to that?
Greg: I know there will be adverse criticism, but people should look inside themselves first before throwing stones. All of us have skeletons, mine is out and people can say what they want. They don’t know me and I don’t care.
GAG: You’ve just turned down the United Nations Bravery Award. Has this got anything to do with your coming out?
Greg: No. I’m calling out to every nation on this planet. Stop the wars. The killing. The disregard for fellow human beings. We need to live in peace with each other. Every fibre in my body believes that we can achieve this.
GAG: There’s a Nobel Peace Prize somewhere in this…
The interview halted when they heard a commotion in the front room. Shane rushed in with an entourage of military brass behind him.
“Colonel, what is the meaning of this?” Miyani exclaimed.
Gregory stood to attention.
“At ease, Colonel and explain. You do realise what you have done. You know that you have brought the SAAF into disrepute by your actions?”
“Sir, no sir.”
“Bullshit, Sander. Bullshit! Our nation needed your heroism to be acknowledged and you go and turn it into a circus.”
“The world needs love and peace, General.”
“Don’t tire me with banal excuses, Sander. What’s more important here? Your selfish denigration of the United Nations, of the South African Defence Force, or your pedestal? Do not bother to answer. Prepare yourself for a shit storm when you arrive home. In the meantime you are not to speak to the press about any of this, understood?”
“No sir. I don’t understand.”
“Shut it, Sander. Save your words for when we get back to South Africa.”
“No, sir. No. I have a right to say what I want when I want…”
“Are you disobeying me, Sander?”
“I have rights. I’m not a puppet for any defence force and I won’t be a part of any investigation because there is no need for an investigation. It’s simple. I refused an international award for bravery. That’s all there is to it.”
“We’ll see about that, Sander. You belong to the South African Defence Force. You are government property. Consider your air force career over.”
“I don’t need to consider something I’ve already considered, sir. I resign. You’ll have my letter of resignation first thing in the morning.”
The moment the general left the room everyone burst into laughter and Gregory smiled too.
“I’m tired of running from myself. I have my amazing son and his husband whom I love dearly, and a fantastic guy who loves me. What more can a man ask for?”
GAG: Where to from here, Colonel?
Greg: Back to South Africa to start a new life. I’m considering joining an activist gay group, or even start one myself.
GAG: We’ll be following your success, Colonel. Thank you for allowing us this opportunity to speak with you.
The interview team left and Shane poured four glasses of whiskey and handed them out.
“What you did tonight – I’m proud of you,” Shane said, staring out the window overlooking NYC.
Gregory lay with his head back on the sofa, staring at the ceiling. “It feels all so surreal. I made a choice and stuck to it. I’ll carry the consequences alone.”
18
No ticker parade for this hero. No crowds to welcome him back home. No air force personnel to greet him as he stepped from the flossy onto the tarmac at Waterkloof Air Base. Shane, Edward and Raw would be arriving the following day via British Airways.
The personnel in his office resorted to hush-hush tactics when he arrived and the first order of the day was to peruse the morning papers.
Anti-hero arrives back in South Africa
Air Force Hero, Gay
Don’t Ask. Don’t tell Don’t Push it!
World in Awe of the Gay Pilot who Shunned Bravery Award.
He couldn’t sleep that night. His mind raced with a thousand thoughts, all of them required action. He had tendered his resignation to Miyani who had no problem accepting it. He needed to find a place to start his own metalwork factory. Or maybe he’d take early retirement and go live at Canton’s Cottage. Of course, Shane would go with him, sell the house. So many thoughts.
The following morning he received a call before heading for the airport to collect his family.
“Colonel, the General wants to see you.”
“It’s usually “urgent” tagged onto the end of that sentence, Ellin.”
“He made no mention of just how urgent it is.”
Gregory tapped his desk and stared out the window at the rookies going through their marching drill. He remembered a time when he too, was a rookie. A time when excitement flowed through his veins, when he knew this was the life for him. A younger, more handsome Gregory Basye Sander accepting his first commission. His first solo flight. The night he had sex with his best friend’s sister. The birth of his son. It all happened from this place, and soon it would be a thing of the past.
He stood to attention in Miyani’s office and remained silent.
“At ease, pilot. The minister isn’t happy. I’m up to my neck in please explain documents. In fact, no one is happy. Having said this, the minister also thinks you are more than brave by coming out and rejecting the award. He thinks the air force can use that to their advantage. He wants you to reconsider your resignation, Colonel. He also wants you promoted to Brigadier. What are your thoughts?”
Gregory’s lips twitched into a victorious smile. “General, I’m humbled by the minister’s generosity. I’ll need time to think about the offer. I had already started making plans.”
“If I was the minister, this would have turned out differently, I assure you.”
“With all due respect, General. You’re not the minister.”
“You have until tomorrow to reconsider your resignation. Dismissed.”
19
Gregory stood inside the terminal building awaiting the arrival of Shane, Raw and Edward, feeling excited about seeing them all again. Their flight from New York had been delayed by an hour and at last, the announcement came that the plane had landed. He waited another half an hour before the passengers began filtering through the doors into the main concourse.
He spotted them pushing their luggage on the other side of the glass. A lump formed in his throat and, on the verge of tears, he walked with them, smiling and waving; eager to be with his family once again. When they made their entrance onto the main concourse, he rushed towards Shane and kissed him, held him so tight only a vice could separate them.
The concourse had filled with family and friends of passengers and it was difficult to negotiate a passage through them. With the crowd behind them, they walked arm in arm towards the exit.
“Shane!”
It was a voice all too familiar.
A voice that filled Shane with fear and loathing.
People screamed and dashed for cover and it seemed as if airport security had all disappeared.
Gregory and Shane stopped and turned to face Joe just before the shot rang out.
For a moment not one of them knew who had been hit.
Until Shane dropped to one knee.
Gregory shouted out and tried to hold Shane up but he was too heavy.
“Gregory…help me,” Shane said, tears washing his cheeks. Blood formed a wide circle over the front of his shirt.
“No,no,no,no,no,no. This can’t be happening. No! Somebody call a doctor!”
Raw fell to his knees by Shane’s side and ripped open his shirt for whatever reason only he knew, it was an instinctive move. Edward went into immediate chase mode.
But he didn’t have to.
Joe lowered the weapon and stood there, staring at the image of Shane lying with his head in Gregory’s lap, blood spilling from his wound onto the shiny tiled floor.
Edward stopped running when security surrounded Joe, demanding that he drop his weapon. He ignored their first demand. Ignored the second.
Instead of placing his weapon on the ground, Joe lifted it as if to aim a second time. Two shots rang out from the circle of security and he stumbled backwards before falling to the floor. He released the weapon just as his head hit the tile.
Gregory rocked Shane close to his heart, begging him not to die and to hang in there until help came.
“Stay with me, please my love. I need you. Help is coming. Stay with us.”
Shane smiled and stared into Gregory’s eyes. “Promise me…promise me you’ll look after yourself, and Edward and Raw. Promise me…”
“You know I will. But you’re not going anywhere. Stay with me.
I’m begging you, stay with me.”
Shane’s tears fell into his mouth. “Remember when we made love in your helicopter.”
Gregory laughed through his falling tears. “Of-course I remember.”
“It was the best…the best time of my life. Don’t…don’t ever change,” he paused to take a deep last breathe. “Love you…”
He took his last breathe with those words, and Gregory went into a spasm of wretched sobs that echoed across the concourse.
Epilogue
One Year Later
The mountains in summer dance with the sun and if one were to look west towards Cathkin Peak, one would see Shane’s tombstone not far from Canton’s Cottage.
Gregory, Beryl, Raw, Edward and Shane’s parents gathered around his grave. Raw pulled out the paper he had written on and began to read:
“Shane, our dearest friend. You have no idea the mark you left on Edward and me. Our world is missing a piece and can never be replaced. Tell you the truth, something you never knew; I was so jealous of you. To me you had it all and I was worried my man would eventually love you more. But, Edward’s not like that. And you’re not like that. You respected us. You loved us as much as we loved you. That first time we met and you said…” he broke away from the page to catch the emotion in his voice. After a moment he continued. “You said you needed friends, that was the moment I knew you were for real. God sent you for us. For me, Edward, Gregory and Joe, and without you we are as a flower missing a petal. We love you, Shane. We hope you love these mountains. This is your special place now so that we can look after you even in death. God speed. Go well. Shine your love on all of us while you’re away.”
Beryl stepped forward from behind Gregory and wiped the tears from her eyes.
“It’s been a year. My life – our lives – have not been the same since you were tragically taken from us. It was such an honour being your sister, Shane. I will always cherish your memory. I will always love you.” She stopped and shook her head as the tears streamed down her cheeks.