The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes
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Constable & Robinson Ltd
3 The Lanchesters
162 Fulham Palace Road
London WB 9ER
www.constablerobinson.com
First published in the UK by Robinson,
an imprint of Constable & Robinson, 2008
Collection and editorial material copyright © Geoff Tibballs 2005
The right of Geoff Tibballs to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
A copy of the British Library Cataloguing in Publication
Data is available from the British Library
UK ISBN 978-1–84119–967–2
9 10
First published in the United States in 2008 by Running Press Book Publishers
All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright Conventions
This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented, without written permission from the publisher.
9 8 7 6 5
Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing
Library of Congress Cataloguing-in Publication Data is available on file
ISBN 978-0-7867-1601-2
Running Press Book Publishers
2300 Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, PA 19103-4371
Visit us on the web! www.runningpress.com
Printed and bound in the UK by
CPI Mackays, Chatham ME5 8TD
CONTENTS
Introduction
Accidents
Adultery
Airplanes
Alaska
Alcohol
Alzheimer’s
Americans
Amish
Animals
Art
Atheists
Australians
Automobiles
Babies
Bankers
Bartenders
Bed
Bestiality
Bikers
Osama Bin Laden
Birds
Birth
Birth Control
Tony Blair
Blindness
Blondes
Blow Jobs
Books
Bosses
Breasts
George W. Bush
California
Camels
Cats
Chicago
Children
Chinese Jokes
Christmas
The Church
Bill Clinton
Clothes
College
Computers
Condoms
Constipation
Cowboys
Crime and Punishment
Dating
Deafness
Death
Dentists
Princess Diana
Diarrhoea
Disability
Disease
Divorce
Doctors
Dogs
Drugs
Drunks
Dwarfs
Dyslexia
England and the English
Excrement
Fairy Tales
Families
Fantasies
Farmers
Farting
Fishing
Flight Attendants
Florida
Food
Foreplay
The French
Gambling
Bill Gates
Gays
Germans
Gifts
God
Golf
Greeks
Gynaecologists
Hair
Halitosis
Hallowe’en
Hangovers
Health
Heaven and Hell
Hollywood
Homicide
Honeymoon
Hookers
Hospitals
Hunting
Saddam Hussein
Hygiene
Hypochondria
Impotence
Incest
&nb
sp; Insanity
Iraq
Irish Jokes
Italians
Jehovah’s Witnesses
Jesus Christ
Jewish Jokes
Helen Keller
The Kennedys
Las Vegas
Lawyers
Lepers
Lesbians
Life
Limericks
Marriage
Martians
Masochism
Masturbation
Men
Mexicans
Middle Age
Military
Misers
Mississippi
Money
Music
Native Americans
Necrophilia
Neighbours
Newfies
New York
Nudity
Nuns
Nursery Rhymes
Nymphomania
Old Age
Orgasm
Parrots
Periods and PMS
Poems
Police
Polish Jokes
Politicians
The Pope
Pornography
Pregnancy
Premature Ejaculation
Priests
Prison
Psychics and Mediums
Pubic Hair
Puerto Ricans
Rabbis
Rednecks
Restaurants
Riddles
Royalty
Russians
School
Scots
Seattle
Sex
Sexual Organs
Sheep
Small Ads
Smells
Social Workers
Sodomy
South Africans
Speech Impediments
Sperm
Sports
Surgery
Tattoos
Texas
Therapy
Toilets
Toyboys
Travel
Ugliness
Underwear
Vampires
Vasectomy
Vermont
Viagra
Vibrators
Virginity
Vomit
Weddings
Weight
Widows
Women
Work
Zoos
INTRODUCTION
If you’re looking for a nice joke book to give your old grandma a chuckle at Christmas, put this book down immediately! Unless, that is, your grandma happens to be a cross-dressing, hard-drinking, sex-crazed, dwarf Mexican nun with a penchant for bikers and donkeys. For be warned, the contents of this bumper collection of brand spanking new, dirty, X-rated, and decidedly politically incorrect jokes is not for the faint-hearted. Even a blonde would blush . . . if she got any of them.
All of the usual suspects are here – jokes about sex, religion, health, old age, politics, different nationalities, men and women bashing, plus a selection of particularly filthy limericks. My only concession to political correctness is that I have tried to be scrupulously fair in ensuring that men receive just as much stick as women and that the English are ridiculed to the same extent as other nations, not least because I firmly believe that the ability to laugh at yourself is one of the keys to a reasonably contented life. Besides, it’s always good to get the jibe in first. Equally we all need somebody else to laugh at, as long it is not vindictive. After all, the Americans laugh at the Canadians, the Canadians make fun of the Newfies, and they in turn probably mock mercilessly the inhabitants of a tiny island somewhere off the coast of Newfoundland. It’s what makes the world of mirth go round. But if you are offended by any of the jokes in this book, then I guess I’ve succeeded in my task.
At Constable & Robinson thanks are due to Nick Robinson and Pete Duncan, and also to Eryl Humphrey Jones for some excellent jokes.
Geoff Tibballs
January 2005
ACCIDENTS
1
Five people – four guys and a young woman – were on a plane when it suddenly plunged into the sea. Miraculously all five survived the crash but found themselves stranded on a desert island. Since the guys needed to satisfy their natural urges, with the woman’s agreement they drew up a rota whereby each would take it in turns to screw her as much as possible for a week at a time. The arrangement worked really well for the next six years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she died unexpectedly. The first month went by and it was awful for the guys; the second month was really bad; the third month was almost unbearable; by the fourth month they couldn’t take it any more, so they buried her.
2
A police officer arrived at the scene of a horrific road accident with several fatalities. Body parts were strewn everywhere. He was making notes of where everything was when he suddenly came across a decapitated human head. He wrote in his notebook ‘Head on bullevard’ but couldn’t spell it. He tried ‘bouelevard’ and ‘boolevard’, but still couldn’t get it right. So when no one was looking, he kicked the head and wrote ‘Head on kerb’.
3
A guy working at a lumberyard accidentally sheared off all ten of his fingers. At the hospital, the surgeon said: ‘Give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.’
‘I haven’t got them,’ said the man.
‘Why not?’ asked the surgeon. ‘This is 2005, we’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of amazing techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. So why didn’t you bring the fingers?’
The man said: ‘I couldn’t pick them up.’
4
Driving his date down a country lane one night, a guy pretended to run out of gas in the hope of being able to have sex with her in the back seat. But she wasn’t falling for such an old trick, and said that she had a $100 bill in her purse.
‘If you walk into town,’ she said, ‘you can use the money to buy gas.’
He said he had to pee first. But while he was peeing, she decided to light a match near the gas tank to see if there was any gas in it. There was a big explosion, scattering things far and wide.
As the bang subsided, she called out: ‘Help me find my purse. It’s got $100 in it!’
He yelled back: ‘Never mind about that! Help me find my right hand. It’s got my dick in it!’
5
What’s the difference between a guy falling from the first floor and one falling from the sixteenth floor? – The guy falling from the first floor goes ‘Splat, aaaargh!’ and the one falling from the sixteenth floor goes ‘Aaaargh, splat!’
6
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts, tossing them in the air and catching them in his mouth. While he was in the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer, the peanut landed in his ear. The wife tried to remove the peanut but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. With all subsequent attempts to remove the peanut failing miserably, the pair began to panic and decided to go to the hospital but, just as they were about to leave, their daughter came home with her date. Hearing of the problem, the young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. Sure enough, when the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
Everyone congratulated the young man, and the daughter took him into the kitchen to get him something to eat as a reward. The relieved wife turned to her husband and said: ‘Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?’
The father replied: ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!’
7
A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry, I’m going to chop off my dick and eat it.’
‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’
‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.’
‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us.’
8
A farmer was so concerned about drivers speeding down the country lane where he lived and endangering his sheep that he asked the police to put up a sign. So they put up a ‘Slow’ sign, but it had no effect. Then they erected a ‘Hazard Ahead’ sign, but that had no effect either. Finally they tried a ‘Children Crossing’ sign, but still the motorists failed to reduce their speed.
As a last resort, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own sign. The police agreed, and when an officer called on the farmer a week later to see whether there had been any improvement, he was amazed to see the traffic crawling slowly along the lane. Then he noticed the farmer’s handmade sign by the roadside. It read: ‘Nudist Colony.’
9
One day two brothers, Jack and Jim, decided to go out diving for seafood. After filling the first sack, Jack took it back to shore to grab a replacement, but while Jim was left alone out at sea, he suddenly spotted a shark swimming towards him.
Jim frantically called out to his brother: ‘Jack, help me! There’s a shark heading straight for me!’
Jack called back: ‘OK, I’m coming, bro.’
Jim was freaking out as the shark swam right up to him and bit off his left leg. Again he called out to Jack, who was still at the shoreline: ‘Jack, come and help me, the shark’s bitten off one of my legs!’
Jack yelled back: ‘Hold on, bro, I’m coming.’
Jim tried to stay calm and wait for his brother but then the shark bit off his left arm. He shouted to Jack: ‘Hurry up! Come and help me! The shark has bitten off my arm and my leg!’
Jack called back: ‘Hold on, I’m coming.’
Then the shark bit off Jim’s right leg. Jim screamed: ‘Jack, you have to come and save me! The shark has bitten off both my legs and an arm!’
Jack called back: ‘Just wait, I’m coming.’
The shark then bit off Jim’s other arm. Now Jim had no arms or legs.
Jack finally arrived to save him. ‘Come on, bro,’ said Jack, ‘get on my back and I’ll swim you back to shore.’
When they finally made it back to the shore, Jack said with an exhausted sigh: ‘I feel fucked.’