The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  ‘Oh, that’s wonderful!’ he exclaimed. ‘What an amazing woman you are! What an ingenious idea! I’m only sorry now that I didn’t give you all my business!’

  32

  Although scheduled for all-night duty at the station, a police officer was allowed to go home early. Creeping into the house at two o’clock in the morning, he took great pains not to wake his wife. He undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and began climbing gingerly into bed. But just as he pulled back the sheet, his wife sat up sleepily and said: ‘Darling, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.’

  ‘Sure, honey,’ he said and, feeling his way across the room, he got dressed again in the dark and walked to the drug store.

  As he entered, the pharmacist looked up in surprise and asked: ‘Aren’t you Officer Maloney of the 10th District?’

  ‘Yes, that’s right,’ said the officer.

  ‘Then why on earth are you wearing the Fire Chief’s uniform?’

  33

  In bed with her lover, a woman heard her husband turn the key in the front door. Since there was no time for the lover to escape, the wife covered him in talcum powder and made him stand in the corner. ‘Just stay still and pretend you’re a statue,’ she ordered.

  When the husband entered the bedroom, the wife asked innocently: ‘What do you think of our new statue? Remember the Carters bought one for their bedroom? So I’ve bought one for ours.’

  ‘Very nice, honey,’ said the husband disinterestedly before going downstairs for dinner.

  An hour and a half later, he returned alone to the bedroom carrying a beer and a sandwich. He put them on the dressing table and said: ‘These are for you. When I was playing statues at the Carters’, I stood there for three days without so much as a drink of water.’

  34

  An English Lord of the Manor returned home early from his grouse shoot to find his wife having sex in bed with his best friend, the local MP.

  ‘How could you, Miranda?’ he cried. ‘After everything I’ve done for you. I’ve given you this beautiful house, I’ve always provided you with the most expensive clothes and jewels, I bought you a Ferrari for your birthday, I’ve tried to be a kind husband, and this is how you repay me!’

  Hearing this, the wife burst into tears.

  The Lord then turned to the MP: ‘And as for you, Reggie, you might at least have the decency to stop while I’m talking!’

  35

  A woman was having an affair while her husband was out at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

  ‘Quick!’ she shouted to her boyfriend. ‘Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband is home early!’

  The boyfriend looked out the window and said: ‘I can’t jump! It’s raining like crazy out there and I’m naked!’

  ‘I don’t care,’ she insisted. ‘If my husband catches us, he’ll kill the pair of us.’

  So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped from the bedroom window. When he landed, he found himself in the middle of a group of marathon runners. Hoping to blend in even though he was naked, he started running alongside them, carrying his clothes over his arm.

  One of the runners asked: ‘Do you always run in the nude?’

  Thinking on his feet, the boyfriend replied breathlessly: ‘Yes, always. It feels so free having the air blow over my skin while I’m running.’

  ‘Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?’ queried the athlete.

  ‘Oh, yes,’ panted the boyfriend. ‘That way I can get dressed at the end of the run, get in my car and just go straight home without a shower.’

  ‘And,’ persisted the athlete, ‘do you always wear a condom when you run?’

  ‘Only if it’s raining.’

  AIRPLANES

  36

  A famous French wartime pilot named Pierre was having dinner with a brunette, and when they finished they headed to a hotel where he called room service and asked for a bottle of red wine. When it arrived, he put some red wine on the woman’s lips and began kissing her passionately.

  ‘What is the red wine for?’ she panted.

  The pilot replied suavely: ‘For when Pierre the famous fighter pilot has red meat, he has red wine.’

  ‘Ooooh!’ she sighed, and they carried on.

  A few minutes of heavy kissing later, he reached for the phone and ordered a bottle of white wine. When it arrived, he splashed it on her chest and began kissing her breasts.

  ‘What is the white wine for?’ she gasped.

  The pilot replied suavely: ‘For when Pierre the famous fighter pilot has white meat, he has white wine.’

  ‘Ooooh!’ she groaned.

  Soon he worked his way down to her pussy, pulled out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkled it on her muff and set fire to it.

  ‘Aaagh! Why the fuck did you do that?’ she screamed.

  The pilot replied proudly: ‘For when Pierre the famous fighter pilot goes down, he goes down in flames!’

  37

  ‘Flight 1234,’ advised the control tower, ‘turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement.’

  ‘Roger,’ the pilot responded, ‘but we’re at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?’

  ‘Sir,’ replied the radar man, ‘have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?’

  38

  What did the kamikaze pilot instructor say to his students? – Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.

  39

  A passenger was sitting on an airplane, sweating profusely and chewing his nails. The flight attendant said: ‘Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?’

  She got him a whiskey, and he knocked it back, but twenty minutes later she noticed that he was shaking like a leaf.

  ‘Would another drink help?’ she asked sympathetically.

  He nodded feverishly. So she fetched him another whiskey, and he gulped it down.

  But a quarter of an hour later, there was no improvement. In fact, he was worse than ever, and was sobbing audibly.

  The flight attendant remarked: ‘I’ve never seen anyone so afraid of flying.’

  ‘I’m not afraid of flying,’ said the man. ‘I’m trying to give up drinking!’

  40

  As an airplane prepared for takeoff, the flight attendant concluded her announcement by saying: ‘And on behalf of your captain, Jill Duncan, we wish you all a pleasant journey.’

  A male passenger in row B was appalled to hear that the plane had a woman pilot. When the attendant came around to make the last-minute checks, he said: ‘Is that right? This plane is being flown by a woman?’

  ‘Yes,’ replied the attendant politely. ‘In fact the entire crew is female.’

  ‘In that case,’ he grumbled, ‘I’ll need a stiff drink once we get under way. I don’t know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit.’

  ‘That’s another thing,’ said the attendant. ‘We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it’s the box office.’

  Signs That You’ve Chosen a ‘No Frills’ Airline:

  41

  Tickets are sold through lottery terminals.

  42

  At the airport all the insurance machines are sold out.

  43

  Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

  44

  You can’t board the plane unless you have the exact change.

  45

  Before you take off, the flight attendant tells you to fasten your Velcro.

  46

  The captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

  47

  When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

  48

  The captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

  49

  All planes have both a toilet and a chapel.<
br />
  50

  No movie. You don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

  51

  You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.

  52

  With a plane about to crash, the captain asked the passengers: ‘Does anyone on board believe in the power of prayer?’

  A preacher immediately put his hand up.

  ‘Good,’ said the captain. ‘We’re one parachute short.’

  53

  The airplane was just taking off when the pilot, making a routine announcement, suddenly screamed: ‘Oh, my God!’

  A few minutes later, he came back on the intercom and apologized if he had scared any of the passengers. He explained: ‘While I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!’

  One of the passengers said: ‘That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!’

  54

  Three women were on a flight when the captain suddenly announced: ‘Please prepare for a crash landing!’

  The first woman immediately began putting on all her jewellery.

  ‘Why are you doing that?’ asked the other two.

  ‘Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first.’

  The second woman, not wishing to be outdone, then began removing her top and bra.

  ‘Why are you doing that?’ asked her two friends.

  ‘Well, when they come to rescue us they will see what great tits I have and will pick me up first.’

  Not wishing to be outdone, the third woman, who was West Indian, started taking off her skirt and panties.

  ‘Why are you doing that?’ asked the other two.

  ‘Well, they always search for the black box first!’

  ALASKA

  55

  It was forty below zero one winter’s night in Alaska. In the town saloon, the bartender told Ed: ‘You owe me quite a bit on your tab.’

  ‘Sorry,’ said Ed, ‘I’m flat broke this week.’

  ‘OK,’ said the bartender, ‘I’ll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall.’

  Ed looked concerned. ‘I don’t want any of my friends to see that.’

  ‘They won’t,’ said the bartender. ‘I’ll just hang your parka over it until it’s paid . . .’

  ALCOHOL

  56

  A guy went to a doctor and said: ‘I’m having problems with sex. I think my privates are too small.’

  The doctor asked him what he drinks when he goes to the pub.

  ‘Er, lager,’ he replied, bemused.

  ‘Ha, that’s your problem,’ said the doctor. ‘Lager shrinks things. You should try drinking Guinness instead – that makes things grow.’

  Two months later, the man returned to the doctor’s with a big smile on his face. He shook the doctor warmly by the hand and thanked him.

  ‘I take it you now drink Guinness?’ said the doctor.

  ‘No,’ replied the man, ‘but I’ve got the wife on lager.’

  57

  When are beer and your mother-in-law at their best? – When they’re cold, opened up, and on the table.

  58

  A man walked into a bar and ordered a scotch. ‘And,’ he added ominously, ‘I want a ten-year-old scotch. And don’t try to fob me off with something younger because I can tell the difference.’

  The bartender thought the customer was all talk and decided to trick him by giving him a five-year-old scotch. But the man took one sip, grimaced, and snapped: ‘Bartender, this is five-year-old scotch. I told you I wanted ten-year-old scotch.’

  The bartender was still not convinced and tried to fool the customer with a seven-year-old scotch, but once again the man said: ‘I told you I wanted ten-year-old scotch. This is only seven years old.’

  Admitting defeat, the bartender served him the ten-year-old scotch, and the customer purred. ‘Perfect. At last, the real thing.’

  Observing all this was a drunk, who then staggered over, slammed a glass down in front of the whiskey connoisseur, and said: ‘Here, try this one.’

  The man took a sip and immediately spat it out. ‘Ugh! It tastes like piss!’

  ‘Yeah,’ said the drunk. ‘Now tell me how old I am.’

  59

  A suave playboy picked up an elegant young lady in a bar and took her back to his apartment. Eager to impress her, he showed her his collected works of art and some rare first editions. He then offered her a drink, asking her whether she would prefer a glass of sherry or port.

  ‘Oh, definitely sherry,’ she said. ‘Sherry is like the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in this crystal decanter fills me with anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the beautiful liquid is poured into the glass and I inhale the delicious tangy aroma, I am lifted on the wings of ecstasy. As I taste the magical potion, my whole being glows, it seems like a thousand violins are playing in my ears, and I’m transported into another world. Port, on the other hand, makes me fart.’

  60

  Why did God invent alcohol? – So that fat women can get laid too.

  61

  A blonde walked into a bar and ordered a triple Jack Daniels . . . followed by another . . . and another . . . and another . . . and another. She ended up spreadeagled on the floor, and all the guys in the bar took advantage of her.

  It was the same story for the next two nights: she downed a succession of Jack Daniels, collapsed on the floor, and all the guys in the bar had sex with her.

  On the fourth night, she asked the bartender for a martini.

  ‘I thought you drank Jack Daniels?’ he said.

  ‘Not any more,’ she replied. ‘It makes my pussy sore.’

  62

  An ex-US Marine Virginian hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street and said: ‘Here, friend, take a drink outta my jug.’

  The guy protested, saying he never drank, but the hillbilly levelled the shotgun at him and commanded: ‘Drink!’

  The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered, and coughed. ‘My God!’ he said. ‘That’s awful stuff you’ve got there!’

  ‘Ain’t it, though!’ replied the hillbilly. ‘Now, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig.’

  63

  Fred started chatting up a good-looking girl in a bar. Seeing that she didn’t back off, he asked her name.

  ‘Carmen,’ she replied.

  ‘That’s a nice name,’ he said, warming up the conversation. ‘Who named you, your mother?’

  ‘No, as a matter of fact, I named myself.’

  ‘That’s interesting. Why Carmen?’

  ‘Because I like cars, and I like men.’ Looking directly into his eyes, she asked: ‘What’s your name?’

  He said: ‘Beerfuck.’

  ALZHEIMER‘S

  64

  After playing bridge together for many years, two old ladies had got to know each other pretty well. Then one day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looked up at the other and said: ‘I realize we’ve known each other for many years but, for the life of me, I just can’t bring it to mind. Would you please tell me your name again, dear?’

  There was silence for a couple of minutes, and then the other lady answered: ‘How soon do you need to know?’

  65

  What’s the best thing about Alzheimer’s? – You never have to watch reruns on TV.

  66

  What’s the best thing about having kids with Alzheimer’s? – You can give them the same presents year after year.

  67

  Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for Alzheimer’s patients? – They hid their own eggs!

  68

  What was the name of Ronald Reagan’s last movie? – Partial Recall.

  69

  An old guy walked up to an old woman at a dance and said: ‘So, tell me, do I come here
often?’

  70

  Three friends with Alzheimer’s were chatting together at a train station. They were so engrossed in their conversation that they didn’t hear the guard blow his whistle to signal the train’s departure. Just as the train began to pull away, two of the men managed to scramble aboard, but the third didn’t make it.