The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  Having listened to Clinton’s pleas of mitigation, St Peter briefly consulted the Book of Life before announcing: ‘Right, here’s the deal. We’ll send you somewhere hot, but we won’t call it “hell”. You’ll be there indefinitely, but we won’t call it “eternity”. And when you enter, you don’t have to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.’

  552

  How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history? – The President after Bush.

  CLOTHES

  553

  The doctor said: ‘Tom, the good news is I can cure headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’

  Tom was shocked and depressed, but rather than dwell on his misfortune too long, he decided to undergo the necessary surgery as quickly as possible.

  When he left the hospital after the operation, it was the first time in twenty years that he didn’t have a headache. Although only too aware that an important part of himself was missing, he resolved to make a fresh start and, spotting a clothes shop, decided to go in.

  Entering the shop, he told the elderly tailor: ‘I’d like a new suit.’

  The tailor eyed him briefly and said: ‘Let’s see . . . size 44 long.’

  Tom laughed. ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

  ‘Been in the business sixty years,’ smiled the tailor.

  Tom tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly.

  As Tom admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked: ‘How about a new shirt?’

  ‘Sure. Why not?’ said Tom.

  The tailor eyed him before announcing: ‘34 inch sleeve and 16 neck.’

  ‘Incredible!’ said Tom. ‘You’re right again. How did you know?’

  ‘Been in the business sixty years,’ smiled the tailor.

  Tom tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly. As he adjusted the collar in the mirror, the tailor, sensing he was on a roll, asked: ‘How about new shoes?’

  ‘Sure,’ said Tom.

  The tailor glanced at Tom’s feet. ‘Hmm, 9½ E, I think.’

  ‘That’s right!’ exclaimed Tom. ‘How did you know?’

  ‘Been in the business sixty years,’ said the tailor.

  Tom tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. As Tom walked comfortably around the shop, the tailor, keen for another sale, asked: ‘How about some new underwear?’

  Tom thought for a second and said: ‘Sure.’

  The tailor stepped back, eyed Tom’s waist and said: ‘Let’s see . . . size 36.’

  Tom laughed. ‘Ah! I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was eighteen years old.’

  The tailor shook his head. ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.’

  554

  With a strong wind gusting down the street, a police officer noticed an old woman standing on a corner holding on tightly to her hat while her skirt blew up to her waist.

  The cop said: ‘Hey, lady, while you’re holding on to your precious hat, everybody’s getting a good look at everything you have.’

  ‘Listen, sonny,’ replied the old woman, ‘what they’re looking at is eighty-five years old. But this hat is brand new!’

  555

  Why do ballerinas wear tights? – So that when they do the splits they don’t stick to the ground.

  556

  Called to testify before the IRS, a man asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. The accountant said: ‘Wear your scruffiest clothes. Let them think you’re a pauper.’

  Then the man asked his lawyer the same question, only to receive conflicting advice. For the lawyer suggested: ‘Wear your best suit. Don’t let them intimidate you.’

  Confused, the man consulted a rabbi who told him a story. ‘A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. The mother said: “Wear a heavy, long flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.” But the bride’s best friend said: “Wear your sexiest negligee.” ’

  The man looked baffled. ‘What has this got to do with my problems with the IRS?’

  The rabbi said: ‘No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.’

  557

  Why was the two-piece bikini invented? – To separate the meat section from the dairy section.

  558

  An attractive woman was browsing in an exclusive New York shoe store when a pair of boots caught her eye. She immediately fell in love with them, but was put off by the $950 price tag. Seeing her dilemma, the store owner came over and whispered in her ear: ‘If you let me have sex with you, I’ll let you have the boots for free.’

  The woman considered the proposition for a moment before answering: ‘Well, OK. But don’t expect me to enjoy it.’

  The owner gave her the boots and took her home. Up in the bedroom, he dropped his pants, took off the woman’s underwear, pushed her back on the bed, and yanked her legs over his shoulders. As he screwed her frantically, the woman began shouting: ‘Oh my God, yes! Fantastic! Absolutely fantastic . . .’

  ‘Yeah?’ gasped the owner, still thrusting away. ‘I thought you said you wouldn’t enjoy having sex with me?’

  ‘I’m not,’ said the woman. ‘I’m admiring my new boots.’

  559

  An elegant young woman wearing a long fur coat was accosted by an animal rights activist who yelled: ‘And what poor creature had to die so that you could have that fur coat?’

  The woman replied simply: ‘My mother-in-law.’

  560

  On holiday in Morocco, a couple were accosted by a street trader selling footwear. When the husband began admiring a pair of sandals, the trader unleashed his full sales pitch, telling the man that he would become a sex god if he wore them.

  Naturally the man was sceptical. ‘What are you talking about?’ he said. ‘How can wearing a pair of sandals possibly turn me into a sex god?’

  ‘Try them on, try them on,’ insisted the trader.

  ‘Well, it wouldn’t do any harm,’ smiled the customer’s wife.

  So the man put on the sandals, and was immediately overcome with intense feelings of sexual desire. But instead of lusting after women, he suddenly fancied the Moroccan and, with a wild look in his eyes, rushed at the startled trader.

  The Moroccan screamed: ‘You’ve got them on the wrong feet!’

  561

  ‘I’d like to buy some gloves for my girlfriend,’ said the young man, eyeing the pretty salesgirl, ‘but I don’t know her size.’

  ‘Will this help?’ she said sweetly, placing her hand in his.

  ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours. Thank you.’

  ‘My pleasure,’ she said. ‘Will there be anything else?’

  ‘Now that you mention it, she also needs a bra and panties . . .’

  562

  Two guys were chatting in a bar. ‘I like your new suit,’ said one.

  ‘Thanks,’ said the other. ‘It was a surprise present from my wife. I came home early last night and found it hanging over a chair in the bedroom.’

  563

  A young man bought a new pair of boots, of which he was very proud. He decided to show them off at his favourite nightclub.

  After dancing with one girl for a few minutes, he said: ‘I bet you I can guess the colour of your panties.’

  ‘OK,’ she said. ‘What colour do you think they are?’

  ‘Blue,’ he replied.

  ‘How did you know that?’ she asked.

  ‘I saw the reflection in my shiny new boots,’ he said.

  ‘Here,’ she said, ‘dance with my sister and tell me what colour she was on.’

  After dancing a while, the young man started rubbing the toes of his boots on the legs of his jeans. Then he danced again. Bu
t a few minutes later, he asked the new girl: ‘What colour panties do you have on? I can’t seem to make them out.’

  She replied: ‘I’m not wearing panties.’

  ‘Good,’ said the young man, breathing a huge sigh of relief. ‘For a minute I thought I had a crack in my new boots.’

  COLLEGE

  564

  On vacation in Alabama, a US senator from a northern state went on a sightseeing trip to the Mississippi Sound. While there, he was horrified to see a man wearing an Auburn University jersey struggling to free himself from the jaws of a twelve-foot long shark. At that precise moment, a boat containing three men wearing University of Alabama T-shirts roared into view.

  Without hesitation, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark’s ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Auburn fan from the water and, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death. They then bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and ferried them to their waiting truck. As they made the transfer to dry land, they heard the senator shouting to them.

  The senator heaped lavish praise upon the rescuers. He said: ‘I had always been led to believe that there was bitter hatred between supporters of Auburn University and those of the University of Alabama, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true. I can see now that your state is an enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a role model for others with internal feuds.’ He then promised to call the governor and congratulate these fine young men. With that, they drove off in a cloud of dust.

  Inside the truck, the harpoonist asked one of his buddies: ‘Who the heck was that?’

  ‘Darned if I know,’ answered his friend. ‘Just some Yankee who knows nothing about shark hunting. How’s the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?’

  565

  How do you get a Harvard graduate off your front porch? – Pay him for the pizza.

  566

  Six college students fell out of a city bar and crowded into a Jeep for the ride back to campus. One threw the vehicle keys to a guy leaning precariously against a lamppost and said: ‘Henry, you drive. You’re too drunk to sing.’

  567

  Did you hear about the transvestite from Harvard? – He spent the year a broad.

  568

  A college professor said there would be no excuses for handing in an assignment late.

  ‘What about extreme sexual exhaustion?’ asked one student cheekily.

  The professor replied: ‘I guess you’ll just have to write with your other hand.’

  569

  What’s the difference between a camel and a medical student? – A camel can go five days without drinking.

  570

  A Harvard graduate died and went to hell. The Devil showed him around, leading him through corridors of fire until they reached a door marked ‘Graduates’. Inside, guys were being buggered senseless by men in masks while other acts of depravity were taking place in dark corners. And everyone was wearing Harvard colours.

  The newcomer said to the Devil: ‘How come there are no Yale graduates in hell?’

  The Devil replied: ‘We used to have them till we realized this was their idea of heaven!’

  571

  A Daughter’s Letter Home:

  Dear Mom and Dad,

  It has been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down. OK?

  Well, I am getting along fine now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty much healed now. I only spent ten days in intensive care, and now I can see almost normally and I only got the nauseous headaches once a week.

  Fortunately the fire in the dorm and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me in hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he kindly invited me to share his apartment. It’s really a basement room but it’s kind of cute and though it’s in the red-light quarter, it’s near to the train station. Anyway he is a fine boy, and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven’t exactly set a date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

  Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love, devotion and tender care you gave me as a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and carelessly I caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.

  I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind and although not well-educated, has ambitions. His family background is good, too, for I hear that his father is an important gun-bearer in the African village from which he comes.

  Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire. I do not have concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no coloured man in my life. However I am getting a ‘D’ in history and an ‘E’ in geography, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

  Your loving daughter,

  Carla

  COMPUTERS

  572

  Can anyone help with this software problem?

  Eighteen months ago a man upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which he had used for years without any trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

  To make matters worse. Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2, and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-program, Party Girl 2.1, had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to all his hardware.

  Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. He did this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come packaged with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2002. However he discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes he made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0’s memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and e-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip. These latter products have no helpfiles and he has to try and guess the problem himself.

  Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 package that came with the original system needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro for new attachments. Also, Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every other week. It also conflicted with some of the new games he wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to his Audi TT program, it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which cannot be turned off.

  Recently, he’s been tempted to try Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. If Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2005, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

  So does anyone have any suggestions?

  573

  Chris and Derek were regular users of an Internet chat room. After months of virtual sex, they finally agreed to meet up in a New York bar. Derek, a short, fat man in his mid-
fifties, arrived first and sat alone at the far end of the bar, as arranged.

  A few minutes later Chris walked up to him and said: ‘Are you Derek?’

  ‘Yes, I’m Derek.’

  Chris’s jaw dropped. ‘But you told me you were tall, dark, handsome and thirty-five!’

  ‘How do you think I feel?’ said Derek. ‘You told me you were slim, blonde and female!’

  Celebrity Computer Viruses:

  574

  Mike Tyson virus – quits after one byte

  575

  Lorena Bobbit virus – turns your hard disk into a 3.5-inch floppy