The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  ‘Ah,’ said God. ‘That’s Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to travel the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.’

  Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed: ‘What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!’

  God replied wisely: ‘Wait until you see the wankers I’m putting next to them in France . . .’

  926

  What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? – The French Army.

  927

  Why don’t they have fireworks at Euro Disney? – Because every time they set them off, the French try to surrender.

  928

  How can you recognize a French veteran? – Sunburned armpits.

  929

  Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in France? – Because Germans like to march in the shade.

  930

  What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad? – A salesman.

  931

  Why didn’t France want to bomb Saddam Hussein? – He hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French.

  932

  Why did the Americans want France on their side in the war in Iraq? – To show the Iraqis how to surrender.

  933

  Why do the French call their fighter plane the Mirage? – Because it’s never been seen in a combat zone.

  934

  How do you confuse a French soldier? – Give him a rifle and ask him to fire it.

  935

  George W. Bush and the French ambassador to the United Nations were debating the Iraq crisis. Through an interpreter. Bush said that he believed the conflict with Saddam Hussein could turn into a bloodbath.

  The French ambassador did not understand. Then an aide explained to Bush: ‘There is no word for “bath” in French.’

  936

  Where is the best place to hide anything from a French woman? – Under the soap.

  937

  What do you call a Frenchman who wears sandals? – Philippe Philoppe.

  938

  A Frenchman walked into a bar with a toad on his head.

  ‘What the heck is that?’ asked the bartender.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said the toad. ‘It started as a wart on my ass and grew.’

  GAMBLING

  939

  After an evening’s drinking, Jake said to his girlfriend Julie just as she was about to go home: ‘I’ll bet you two dollars that I can screw you for twenty-five minutes without coming inside you.’

  ‘You’re crazy,’ said Julie. ‘You never keep going that long. Here’s two dollars that says you can’t.’

  The four dollars were placed on the table, and they took off their clothes. Jake then began screwing her passionately. A minute later, she cried: ‘But you’ve come!’

  Jake climbed off her, shrugged and said: ‘So I lose . . .’

  940

  A guy was strolling down a city street when he came across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and out popped a genie. The genie offered to grant him one wish, to which the guy replied: ‘I’ve always wanted to be lucky.’

  The genie granted his wish, and the guy strolled off, wondering how it would change his life. Less than fifty yards down the street, he noticed a $10 bill lying on the sidewalk. Not a bad start, he thought.

  As he picked it up, he spotted a betting shop across the road. He wandered over, studied the racing pages and put the ten dollars on a horse called Genie’s Wish. It romped in at 100–1.

  Feeling on a roll, he headed for the roulette table at the casino and put the entire $1010 on number 7. His number came up. He was seriously rich.

  To celebrate, he went to the local brothel. As he entered, he was showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne by the Madame, who explained that he was their 1,000th customer and as such could have his way with any girl on their books for the entire evening absolutely free of charge.

  The guy said that he had always wanted to have sex with an Indian girl, so he was ushered into a room where he was joined shortly afterwards by a beautiful Indian girl. After they had enjoyed fantastic sex, he turned to her and said: ‘I cannot believe my luck, making love to such a fabulously attractive woman. I don’t mean to offend you, but there is just one thing I don’t like about Indian women: I don’t like that red spot you all have on your forehead.’

  The Indian girl looked him in the eye and replied: ‘Sir, I am here to please you and to agree to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark.’

  He proceeded to remove the mark with his fingernail. Suddenly he leaned back and began laughing. ‘You’re never going to believe this,’ he said. ‘I’ve just won a car!’

  941

  What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it? – Strip poker.

  942

  Having just begun a round of golf, a man was approached by a stranger who asked whether he could join him. Although the first man preferred to play alone, he thought he would make an exception on this occasion and accepted the offer. After a couple of holes, the second guy said: ‘We seem pretty evenly matched. What do you say we play for five bucks a hole?’

  Against his better judgement, the first man agreed to the bet, whereupon the stranger won the remaining sixteen holes and pocketed $80. As they walked off the 18th green, he confessed that he was really the professional at a neighbouring course and that he liked to pick on suckers.

  The first man then revealed that he was the priest at the local church, at which the professional felt hugely embarrassed and offered to return all of his winnings.

  The priest said: ‘No, you won fair and square. I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.’

  The pro said: ‘Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?’

  The priest said: ‘You could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you.’

  943

  It was Little Johnny’s first day at school, and his father warned his teacher that the boy was an avid gambler. He said that Johnny might win lunch money from the other children if he was not watched closely. The teacher was not unduly worried by this news and insisted that she was perfectly capable of monitoring Johnny’s gambling urges.

  Shortly after lunch on that first day, Johnny’s father called the teacher to ask how things were going.

  ‘Everything is just fine,’ she said, ‘and as a matter of fact, I think I may have cured Johnny of his gambling habit.’

  ‘How have you managed that?’ asked the father.

  ‘Well,’ explained the teacher, ‘the little monkey absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear. Finally I agreed to the bet and took him to the staff room so that I could show him that there was no mole. Now that he’s lost the money, I don’t think he’ll be gambling again.’

  ‘Damn!’ said the father. ‘He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher’s ass before the day was over.’

  944

  A husband arrived home early from work to find his wife in the arms of another man. He yelled at the interloper: ‘What right do you have to be making love to my wife?’

  The lover replied: ‘You may as well know that I am in love with Ethel and I would like to marry her. I understand you’re a gambler? Why don’t you be a sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I’ll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her. OK?’

  ‘All right,’ said the husband. ‘But just to make it a little more interesting, why don’t we play for a dollar a point?’

  BILL GATES

  945

  Bill Gate
s died and went to heaven, where St Peter showed him to his new home – a beautiful fifteen-room house with swimming pool and tennis court. Bill was delighted with it, and thoroughly enjoyed his stay in heaven until one day he bumped into a fellow resident who was wearing a fine tailored suit.

  Admiring the garment. Bill said: ‘That’s a nice suit. Where did you get it?’

  ‘As a matter of fact,’ the man replied, ‘I was given fifty of these when I got here. They’ve really looked after me. I’ve got a thirty-room mansion set in a hundred acres, and it’s got three pools, half a dozen tennis courts, a private golf course, health club and croquet lawn. They’ve also given me a fleet of Rolls-Royces.’

  ‘What were you?’ asked Bill. ‘A Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?’

  ‘Neither,’ said the man. ‘Actually I was the captain of the Titanic.’

  Bill was so angry at hearing this that he immediately sought out St Peter to complain. ‘How come you’ve given me a modest house, yet you’ve given expensive suits, new cars, and a splendid mansion to the captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?’

  ‘Yes, but we use Windows,’ replied St Peter, ‘and the Titanic only crashed once.’

  946

  How did Bill Gates accumulate all his wealth? – By never spending more than three dollars on a haircut.

  947

  Tony Blair was invited for an audience with the Pope but found that it clashed with a meeting he had already arranged with Bill Gates.

  Blair asked his private secretary: ‘Which one do you think I should go to?’

  ‘Definitely the Pope,’ replied the secretary. ‘He’ll only expect you to kiss his hand.’

  948

  God summoned a meeting of George W. Bush, Tony Blair and Bill Gates. God was not happy. He told the three: ‘I’ve given you all the tools needed to create a better world, but you have failed miserably. Consequently I’m going to end the world one month from today.’

  Bush went straight on TV to relay the news to the American people. ‘I have good news and bad news,’ he said. ‘The good news is that God definitely exists. The bad news is that the world will end in a month.’

  Blair told a news conference: ‘I have bad news and really bad news. The bad news is that God is terribly angry. The really bad news is that he’s so angry he’s going to destroy us all.’

  Meanwhile Bill Gates called his workforce together and said: ‘I have good news and great news. The good news is that God thinks I’m one of the three most powerful men in the world. The great news is we don’t have to fix the bugs in the new Windows package.’

  GAYS

  949

  On a visit to a tattoo artist, a gay guy spotted a picture of Evander Holyfield on the wall. ‘He’s my favourite boxer,’ he told the artist. ‘Could I have a tattoo of him on the left cheek of my ass?’ Then on his way out, he spotted a picture of Mike Tyson. ‘Ooh, can you put Iron Mike on the other cheek? I adore him.’

  When he got home, he was keen to show his new tattoos to his boyfriend. But the boyfriend took one look and gasped: ‘I think our relationship is over! There’s no way I’m getting in the ring with those two!’

  950

  A gay guy fell hopelessly in love with his young male doctor. Looking for any excuse to meet him, he went to the doctor’s office and said he had an obstruction. The doctor put his hand up the guy’s ass but couldn’t find anything. However when he saw that the patient had an erection, he ordered him out of the office.

  The next day the gay guy called the doctor to report another obstruction. The doctor didn’t believe him but when the patient insisted that he was in great pain, the doctor relented and agreed to examine him. So the doctor stuck his hand up the guy’s ass.

  ‘Good God!’ exclaimed the doctor. ‘No wonder you’re in pain! There are two dozen red roses shoved up your ass!’

  The gay guy turned around excitedly and said: ‘Read the card! Read the card!’

  951

  Two gay men decided they would like to have a baby, but they didn’t want to adopt because they wanted the baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbated into a cup and had a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend.

  Nine months later the pair were looking adoringly at their baby in the hospital nursery. All the other babies were crying and screaming but theirs was a picture of contentment.

  ‘Look,’ said one of the men, ‘our baby is the best behaved one in here.’

  Hearing this, a passing nurse remarked: ‘Now he’s quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ass.’

  952

  A young gay guy came running downstairs in floods of tears because his boyfriend had just dropped him. Thinking sex was at the root of the split, his liberal mother proceeded to tell him all about the birds and the bees.

  ‘No, mom!’ he sobbed. ‘It’s got nothing to do with sex. I can fuck and suck with the best of them, but he says I can’t cook!’

  953

  How can you tell if you’re watching a gay Western? – All the good guys are hung.

  954

  How do you know you’ve walked into a gay church service? – Only half the congregation are kneeling.

  955

  How do you know if you’re at a gay picnic? – The hot dogs all taste like shit.

  956

  Did you hear about the two gay guys who had an argument in the bar? – They went outside to exchange blows.

  957

  Did you hear about the gay guy who’s using the patch? – He’s down to four butts a day.

  958

  How can you tell if you’re in a gay amusement park? – They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.

  959

  Two construction workers were becoming increasingly frustrated playing golf behind two gay men. The problem was that the gay pair were so slow, agonizing over every shot and making sure that their stance looked just right. With the light beginning to fade, the workers feared that they might not finish their round, so they decided to hurry the gay pair along by playing up close to them. Unfortunately an over-hit shot struck one of the gays on the head, knocking him out cold.

  The other gay panicked. ‘Jonty! Jonty! Get up! Get up!’ he shrieked. With his friend still lying there, he turned on the construction workers. ‘You bad men!’ he shouted. ‘Look what you’ve done. We’re going to sue you!’

  The workers were hacked off by his hysteria and one of them yelled back menacingly: ‘There’s no way I’m gonna let you sue us. I’d just as soon suck your dick!’

  ‘Jonty! Jonty!’ the gay squealed. ‘Get up! Hurry! They want to settle out of court!’

  960

  Did you hear about the two gay judges? – They tried each other.

  961

  Did you hear about the gay truckers? – They exchanged loads.

  962

  Did you hear about the gay bank robber? – He tied up the safe and blew the guard.

  963

  Two gay men were talking. One said: ‘You know, my mother made me a homosexual.’

  ‘Ooh,’ said the other. ‘If I bought enough wool, do you think she’d make me one as well?’

  964

  When a gay guy went to heaven, St Peter was waiting for him at the Pearly Gates. After reviewing his records, St Peter let him in and said, ‘Follow me.’

  As they walked through heaven, St Peter accidentally dropped his keys. He bent over to pick them up, but the sight proved irresistible to the gay guy who immediately shafted him feverishly.

  St Peter was furious. ‘If you do that again,’ he warned. ‘You’ll go straight to hell.’

  Continuing their journey, St Peter dropped his keys again and, despite the warning, the gay guy jumped on him as soon as he bent over to pick them up. St Peter was fuming, but decided to give him one last chance.

  Nearing the end of their journey, St Peter clumsily dropped his keys for a third time, and bent over
to pick them up. Having no self-control, the gay guy jumped on him again. This was the final straw, and St Peter sent him straight to hell.

  A few weeks later, St Peter visited hell for a routine inspection, but this time something was amiss. Hell was freezing, there was no fire, no lava, and in a corner, he found the Devil lying shivering under a pile of blankets.

  ‘Why is it so cold down here?’ asked St Peter.

  The Devil replied: ‘Well, you just try bending down for firewood!’

  965

  Have you heard about the two poor gays who wanted to be buried together? – After they died, the mortician cremated them and put them in a fruit jar.

  966

  What are the rules of gay poker? – Queens are wild and straights don’t count.

  967