The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  ‘I remember the crash,’ said the American, ‘and then there was a beautiful light, and the Canadian, the Scotsman and myself were standing at the gates of heaven. St Peter approached us and said we were all too young to die and that for a donation of $100 we could return to Earth. So I pulled out my wallet, gave him the $100 and, the next thing I knew, I was back here.’

  ‘That’s amazing,’ said one of the doctors. ‘But tell me, what happened to the other two?’

  The American said: ‘The last time I saw them, the Scotsman was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his.’

  1093

  With heaven full to capacity, God decided to restrict admission. In future, applicants would have to prove that they had suffered a really bad day immediately prior to their death. So when the first person under the new regime arrived at the Pearly Gates, St Peter was waiting with his revised questionnaire.

  ‘Before I can let you in,’ said St Peter, ‘I need you to tell me about the day you died.’

  The man replied: ‘For some time now, I’ve been convinced that my wife has been having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she’d bring her lover home to our 25th-storey apartment and have sex with him. So today, I planned to come home and catch them. I got there and found my wife half-naked, but even though I searched the entire apartment, there was no sign of her lover. Just as I was about to give up, I glanced out onto the balcony and spotted a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips. The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! So I stamped on his fingers until he fell to the ground but, would you believe it, some bushes broke his fall. I was in a blind rage now and went back inside for something to throw at him. The first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and heaved it over the side. It plummeted twenty-five storeys and crushed him. But the strain on my heart had proved so great that I immediately collapsed and died.’

  After listening to the tale, St Peter concluded that the guy did indeed have a bad day, and so he admitted him to heaven.

  A few seconds later, another man came up to the Pearly Gates. St Peter explained that he needed details of his day of death and the man duly obliged. ‘You’re not gonna believe this,’ he began. ‘I was out on the balcony of my 26th-storey apartment, doing my daily exercises, when I slipped and fell over the side. Luckily I managed to hang on by my fingertips to the balcony beneath mine. Then suddenly this crazy guy came running out of his apartment and started cussing, and stamping on my fingers. Naturally I fell, but I hit some bushes on the way down, which broke my fall. So I was lying there in agony, unable to move, when I looked up and saw this same maniac hurl a refrigerator over the ledge. It fell right on top of me and killed me.’

  St Peter smiled to himself on hearing the story and admitted the man to heaven.

  A few seconds later, a third man arrived at the Gates. ‘Tell me about the day you died,’ said St. Peter.

  ‘OK. Picture this,’ said the man. ‘I’m naked inside a refrigerator . . .’

  1094

  An alcoholic, a miser, and a gay guy were waiting to enter heaven. But St Peter said: ‘With the lives you’ve led, you’ll need to be tested first.’

  So they were sent off to prove that they could resist temptation. The first stop was a bar where the alcoholic ordered a beer and, having failed the test, was immediately turned to ashes. The other two saw a $10 bill lying on the floor. The gay guy said to the miser: ‘If you bend over now, we’re both goners!’

  1095

  A woman died and when she got to heaven, she asked St Peter. ‘Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died seventeen years ago.’

  ‘What’s his name?’ asked St Peter.

  ‘John Smith,’ replied the woman.

  St Peter was not optimistic. ‘That’s a very common name, but sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you remember what they were?’

  She answered: ‘He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would turn in his grave.’

  ‘Oh,’ said St Peter, ‘you mean Spinning John Smith!’

  1096

  An Asian shopkeeper was very unhappy at having to go along with an arranged marriage. ‘I’ve never even met the girl,’ he complained to one of his white customers. ‘How can I know whether I want to marry her? But my family say I must, according to my religion.’

  The customer advised him to change religion, but on his way to the church the Asian guy was run over by a car and killed. He went straight up to heaven where St Peter was waiting at the Gates.

  ‘What do you want?’ asked St. Peter

  ‘I have come for Jesus.’

  St Peter looked round and called out: ‘Jesus, your taxi’s here!’

  HOLLYWOOD

  1097

  Once there was a great Hollywood actor who could no longer remember his lines. His career had gone into terminal decline until, after years of unemployment, he finally found a theatre where they were prepared to give him another chance. The director explained: ‘Even though you only have one line, your part is essential to the entire play. You come on at the start of Act One and walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line: “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.” ’

  All day long the actor rehearsed his solitary line. Finally it was curtain up and he walked on to the stage and with great passion delivered the line: ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.’ But the audience roared with laughter.

  The director was livid. ‘You bloody fool!’ he screamed. ‘You have ruined me!’

  The actor was bewildered. ‘What happened? Did I forget my line?’

  ‘No,’ yelled the director. ‘You forgot the rose!’

  1098

  Did you hear about the actress who auditioned for The Vagina Monologues! – She dried.

  1099

  A Hollywood agent was trying to convince a nightclub owner to book a young dancer on his books. ‘She’s got the most amazing figure,’ enthused the agent. ‘92–24–36.’

  ‘And what sort of dance does she do?’ asked the owner.

  ‘Well, to be honest, it’s not exactly a dance,’ admitted the agent. ‘She crawls on stage and tries to stand up.’

  1100

  Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up. Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said: ‘Sean, I’ve got a job for you. Starts tomorrow, but you’ve got to get there early, for 10ish.’

  Sean frowned: ‘10ish? But I haven’t even got a racket!’

  1101

  An aspiring Hollywood actress managed to acquire an invitation to a Tinseltown cocktail party where the rich and famous were gathered. She asked the hostess: ‘Who’s the most powerful guy in the room?’

  ‘Jerry over there,’ came the reply. ‘He’s a major league producer.’

  So the girl sidled up to him and whispered: ‘Jerry, I’m gonna take you outside, unzip your fly, take out your cock, and give you the best blow job you’ve ever had!’

  ‘Well, OK,’ he replied. ‘But what’s in it for me?’

  1102

  Once upon a time, a handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent. With him, he brought an impressive portfolio, including still photos from a wide variety of acclaimed productions, excellent critical notices, and a comprehensive CV. The agent had no doubt that this guy had the potential to go all the way to the top, but there was just one snag: his name was Penis Van Lesbian.

  The agent didn’t mince his words. ‘I’d love to take you on, son, because I really think you’ve got what it takes, but you’ll have to change your name. Who’s ever heard of a movie star called Penis Van Lesbian? It’s a joke! The public will never wear it.’

  ‘But the name has been in my family for generations,’ explained the actor.

  ‘Listen,
’ said the agent, puffing on a cigar, ‘everyone changes their name in Hollywood. Look at John Wayne and Tony Curtis! Would they ever have made it as Marion Morrison and Bernie Schwarz? The hell they wouldn’t! So you see, it’s no big deal, changing your name.’

  ‘No,’ insisted the actor. ‘I want to keep Penis Van Lesbian.’

  ‘Well,’ sighed the agent, ‘in which case I’m afraid there’s no way I can take you onto my books.’

  ‘I’m sorry, too,’ said the actor, rising to his feet. ‘But I just can’t do it. I won’t change my name from Penis Van Lesbian, not even for Hollywood.’

  ‘OK,’ said the agent, ‘but let me know if you change your mind.’

  And with that Penis Van Lesbian left the office.

  Five years later, the agent received a cheque for $50,000. Attached to it was a letter, which read: ‘Dear sir, several years ago I came to your office hoping to become a Hollywood actor. You said you would not represent me unless I changed my name. I refused at the time but later realized you were right. And eventually I did change my name and I am now a famous actor. So I figure I owe you, as you played a part in my fame. Yours, Dick Van Dyke.’

  HOMICIDE

  1103

  The judge told a double-homicide defendant: ‘You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.’

  A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out; ‘You bastard!’

  The judge continued: ‘You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.’

  The voice at the back yelled out: ‘You God-damned bastard!’

  The judge stopped and told the man at the back: ‘Sir, I understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but any more outbursts and I shall charge you with contempt. Do you understand?’

  The man at the back stood up and snarled: ‘For fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.’

  1104

  Fred West was being interviewed by the police. ‘How many people have you murdered?’ asked the detective.

  ‘Five,’ answered West.

  ‘You’re lying,’ said the detective. ‘We’ve pulled up the floorboards in your house and dug up your garden, and found twelve bodies already.’

  ‘Be fair,’ said West. ‘I’m a builder. It was only an estimate.’

  1105

  Did you hear the FBI was investigating Jeffrey Dahmer? – They think he might have been selling arms to Iraq.

  1106

  Two brothers – Eric and Abel – were national yodelling champions. One night their car broke down in the middle of nowhere, forcing them to seek refuge at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer agreed to let them stay the night, but only on condition that they did not try anything with his beautiful daughter.

  The brothers had a way of communicating over several miles by yodelling to each other. One particular yodel (ay-la-de-o-la-te-tu) signalled trouble, and meant for the other brother to run.

  Anyway, the next morning the farmer was up at the crack of dawn and caught his daughter in bed with Eric. He grabbed his shotgun and shouted that he would start counting, adding that if Eric wasn’t out of his sight by the count of five, he would shoot him. Eric leaped out of bed, sprinted downstairs, and had just cleared the farm gate when the farmer reached a count of four. He yodelled the tune to warn his brother, but immediately the farmer shot Eric.

  Abel came running from his room. ‘What happened?’ he screamed.

  The farmer said: ‘I caught your brother sleeping with my daughter and, although I gave him a fair chance, before he was out of sight he yelled, “I laid the old lady too.” So I shot him.’

  HONEYMOON

  1107

  A newlywed couple woke up on the first morning of their Caribbean honeymoon and decided to take a stroll down to the beach. On their way they passed a shanty house where, sitting on the front porch, was an overweight woman, stark naked, legs wide apart, eating a slice of watermelon. Seeing this, the husband liked the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public and so he asked her whether she would do the same. The wife looked at him in disgust and refused.

  The next morning they passed the shanty house again and, sure enough, the big woman was sitting on the porch, stark naked, legs wide apart, eating another slice of watermelon. Undeterred by his wife’s earlier refusal, the husband suggested: ‘Why don’t you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?’ Once again the wife was appalled at the idea and flatly refused to consider it.

  This continued every morning for two weeks until it was the final day of their honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, the husband would try to persuade his wife to copy her, and each morning the wife would refuse. On that last morning, the husband decided to give it one more try and asked his wife: ‘Why don’t you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?’

  To his delight, the wife relented, opened the gate of the shanty house and walked up to the big woman on the front porch. Hesitantly, she asked: ‘What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?’

  ‘I don’t rightly know,’ replied the woman, ‘but it sure keeps the flies off my watermelon.’

  1108

  An eighty-five-year-old man married a twenty-five-year-old woman and, because of his age, she decided that on their wedding night they should have separate suites in case he overdid things.

  Nevertheless she expected some form of sexual activity and, sure enough, after a few minutes there was a knock on her door. Her new husband came in, they had sex, and then he said goodnight and retired to his suite across the corridor.

  Ten minutes later, he was back again. She was surprised but happily consented to more sex, after which he bade her goodnight and returned to his suite.

  Fifteen minutes later, just as she was settling down for the night, there was another knock on her door. Once again, it was her husband, wanting yet more sex. Stunned by his voracious appetite, she gladly gave in, and afterwards told him: ‘I’m really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times.’

  The old man looked puzzled and said: ‘Was I here before?’

  1109

  A guy slipped out of the hotel room on the first night of his honeymoon in Florida to buy his new bride a single red rose. He returned to find her naked on the bed, screwing one of the bellhops for all she was worth. Another bellhop was shagging her ass and she was sucking off the desk clerk and jerking off two waiters.

  ‘What the heck’s going on?’ screamed the groom.

  ‘Well,’ replied his bride, ‘you always knew I was a flirt.’

  1110

  An elderly couple got married. On the first night of their honeymoon, they cautiously began to undress in front of each other.

  She removed her false teeth and put them in a glass. Then she removed her prosthetic leg and rested it against the wall. And all the while he watched her intently. Then she removed her bra, which contained false inserts, and took out her glass eye, which she put in a box on the bedside table. Still he gazed at her longingly. But as she took off her wig, she realized that he had suddenly stopped undressing.

  ‘What are you waiting for?’ she asked.

  ‘You know what I want,’ he said. ‘Take it off and throw it over here.’

  1111

  A young woman wanted to get rich quick, so she set her sights on a seventy-nine-year-old sugar daddy, whom she planned to screw to death on their wedding night. Despite the age gap, the wedding and reception passed off smoothly and then they left for a romantic honeymoon in Hawaii. While he got ready in the hotel bathroom, she stripped off ready to put her evil scheme into practice. Then to her amazement he emerged from the bathroom wearing nothing but a condom over his twelve-inch erection, and ear plugs and nose plugs.

  ‘What’s going on?’ she asked.


  Rubbing his hands together in anticipation, he replied: ‘There are two things I can’t stand: the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber!’

  HOOKERS

  1112

  There were three hookers living together – a daughter, a mother, and a grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking thoroughly dejected.

  ‘How did you get on tonight?’ asked her mother.

  ‘Not so good,’ replied the daughter. ‘I only got $20 for a blow job.’

  ‘You don’t know how lucky you are!’ said the mother. ‘In my day, we gave a blow job for fifty cents!’