The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  HALLOWE’EN

  1060

  A man with a bald head and a wooden leg was invited to a Hallowe’en party. Unsure of what costume to wear to hide his head and leg, he wrote to a fancy dress company asking for suggestions. A few days later he received a parcel with a note which read: ‘Please find enclosed a pirate’s costume. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will make an ideal pirate.’

  The man was angry because the outfit emphasized his wooden leg, so he wrote a letter of complaint to the company. A week later he received another parcel with a note that read: ‘Sorry about the pirate’s costume, and please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head, you will really look the part.’

  The man was furious because this outfit emphasized his bald head, so he wrote another letter to the company. The next day he received a parcel with a note which read: ‘Please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple!’

  1061

  A guy went to a Hallowe’en party stark naked except for a jam jar on his cock.

  A woman asked: ‘What are you dressed as?’

  ‘A fireman.’

  ‘I don’t understand,’ she said.

  He explained: ‘You break the glass, pull the knob, and I’ll come as fast as I can!’

  1062

  A young black boy and his sister were out trick or treating. They went to the first house in the street and rang the bell. The house owner opened the front door and asked: ‘What are you two dressed as?’

  ‘Jack and Jill,’ they replied.

  ‘You can’t be Jack and Jill, they’re white,’ said the owner.

  Nevertheless he gave them some candy and they moved on to the next house. There they rang the bell and the owner answered the door.

  ‘What are you two dressed as?’ he inquired.

  ‘Hansel and Gretel,’ they answered.

  ‘You can’t be Hansel and Gretel, they’re white,’ said the owner.

  Even so, he gave them some candy and they moved on. Before reaching the third house, the boy had an idea and suggested that he and his sister take off all their clothes. Naked, they then walked up to the door and rang the bell. As the owner opened the door, the boy said: ‘We’re dressed as Hershey bars, one with nuts, one without nuts!’

  HANGOVERS

  1063

  A guy woke in the morning with a massive hangover, unable to remember a thing he did the previous night. He picked up his bath robe from the floor and put it on, but found there was something in one of the pockets. It was a bra. ‘Bloody hell,’ he thought. ‘What happened last night?’ As he walked towards the bathroom, he found a pair of knickers in the other pocket. ‘How did these get here?’ he said to himself. ‘I can’t remember a thing. It must have been a wild party.’ He went into the bathroom and when he looked in the mirror, he saw a little string hanging from his mouth. He said a silent prayer: ‘Please, if there’s a God, let this be a teabag!’

  1064

  Following a drunken night out, the teenage daughter of a millionaire was woken in the morning by the family butler.

  ‘What happened?’ she groaned. ‘I’ve got a throat like sandpaper and my head feels like a bag of cement. I don’t even remember getting into bed last night.’

  ‘I carried you upstairs, miss,’ said the butler.

  ‘And where’s my dress?’ she asked.

  ‘There was a red wine stain on it. Therefore I took the liberty of removing it so that it could be cleaned.’

  ‘Thanks, Jenkins. But I appear to have lost my underwear too.’

  ‘It looked as if it was interfering with your circulation,’ said the butler, ‘so I slipped it off.’

  ‘You’re so considerate, Jenkins. That was quite a night. I must have been really tight.’

  ‘Only the first time,’ said the butler.

  1065

  Sobering up from the night before, a man found the Sunday sermon heavy going and, still feeling hung over and tired, he eventually nodded off partway through. The preacher watched this with disgust and at the end of the sermon, decided to make an example of the man.

  So the preacher said to his congregation: ‘All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.’

  The whole church stood up . . . except for the sleeping man.

  Then the preacher announced loudly: ‘All those who would like a place in hell, please STAND UP!’

  Only catching the last part, the hung over man rose groggily to his feet. Confused and embarrassed to see that the rest of the congregation were seated, he said: ‘I don’t know what we’re voting on here. Reverend, but it seems like you and me are the only ones in favour!’

  1066

  A cowboy rode into town on payday and proceeded to get hopelessly drunk. Seeing the state he was in, a couple of his pals played a trick on him by popping outside and turning his horse around. Then they went back in and joined him for several more drinks.

  The next morning, the cowboy could barely move. His wife hurled a bucket of cold water over him but even that failed to get him out of bed. Reminding him that he had to go to work, she began shaking him by the shoulders.

  ‘Oh, leave me alone,’ he groaned. ‘I can’t face hitting the trail today. I’m too beat.’

  ‘Get the hell up!’ she screamed. ‘I’ve seen you this hung over a hundred times!’

  ‘No, last night was different,’ he wailed. ‘Some son-of-a-bitch cut my horse’s head off, and I had to pull him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe.’

  HEALTH

  1067

  After enjoying sex three times a day on their honeymoon, a young couple had to adjust their lovemaking when they returned to work. Both always arrived home from the office at six o’clock, and so every day at 6.15, regular as clockwork, they would go to bed.

  This daily sex schedule continued for months – sex every day at 6.15 – until the wife went down with flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot. The shot killed every germ inside her except for three. These three germs were huddled together inside her body, discussing their survival plans.

  One germ said: ‘I am going to hide between two toes on her right foot. I don’t think the antibiotics will find me there.’

  The second germ said: ‘I am going to hide behind her left ear. I don’t think they’ll find me there.’

  The last germ said: ‘I don’t know about you guys, but when that 6.15 pulls out tonight, I’m gonna be on it!’

  1068

  A country woman took her three sons to the doctor for their first-ever physicals. The doctor examined the boys and advised her to give them iron supplements. Not knowing what he meant by iron supplements, she went to the hardware store and bought some ball bearings, which she then mixed into their food.

  A few days later the youngest son complained that he was pissing ball bearings, but the mother told him that it was normal because she had put them in his food. Then the middle son told her that he was crapping ball bearings. Again, she said it was normal because she had put them in his food.

  That night the eldest son came in, extremely upset. ‘Ma,’ he said, ‘you won’t believe what happened!’

  She said: ‘I know, you’re passing ball bearings.’

  ‘No,’ he said, ‘I was out behind the barn jacking off and I shot the dog.’

  1069

  What’s the best thing about schizophrenia? – It turns a wank into an orgy.

  1070

  A female worker told her boss that she was going home early because she didn’t feel well. Since the boss himself was just recovering from illness, he wished her well and said he hoped it wasn’t something he’d given her.

  ‘So do I,’ she said. ‘I’ve got morning sickness.’

  1071

  When a man complained to his wife that he was suffering from stomach ache, she suggested he try the tablets
that the doctor had given her for a similar pain. After taking the wife’s tablets for a week, the pain disappeared but he developed two tender lumps, one behind each ear. He showed the doctor the lumps and explained what had happened.

  ‘You idiot!’ raged the doctor. ‘I was treating your wife for a fallen womb. God knows how I’m going to get your balls back down!’

  1072

  A brown paper bag went to the doctor and complained of feeling unwell. The doctor conducted a series of tests and asked the bag to come back the following week.

  When the bag returned, the doctor said: ‘I’m afraid I have some bad news. We discovered from your blood tests that you have haemophilia.’

  ‘How the hell can I have haemophilia? I’m a brown paper bag.’

  ‘Yes,’ replied the doctor, ‘but it seems your mother was a carrier.’

  1073

  A woman with cerebral palsy was talking to her friend at a party. She said: ‘Do you know what the toughest thing is for a woman with cerebral palsy?’

  ‘Sex?’ ventured the friend.

  ‘No, it’s plucking your eyebrows.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah, that’s how I originally got pierced ears!’

  1074

  Why didn’t the epileptics order Coke at a restaurant? – They had shakes.

  1075

  A guy walked into his doctor’s office, complaining that he thought he might have a tapeworm. The doctor carried out a thorough examination, at the end of which he concurred with the patient’s diagnosis. ‘Right,’ said the doctor, ‘I want you to come back tomorrow to start your treatment. And I want you to bring a banana and a cookie.’

  The patient went along with the odd request and returned the next day with a banana and a cookie. The doctor said: ‘OK, now drop your pants and bend over the table. This is going to hurt a bit.’

  So the bemused patient dropped his pants and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and swiftly rammed it up the patient’s ass. While the doctor consulted his watch, the patient danced around the room in agony.

  ‘Right,’ continued the doctor, ‘one minute is up and we must complete the second part of the treatment if we are going to get rid of that tapeworm.’ He asked the guy to bend over again. Reluctantly, the patient complied and this time the doctor rammed the cookie up his ass. The man winced. Then the doctor asked him to return the same time next day with another banana and another cookie.

  The routine was repeated the following day. The doctor rammed in the banana, waited exactly one minute, then thrust in the cookie. What’s more, he carried on the same treatment day after day: up went the banana, a minute’s wait, and then up went the cookie.

  After a week of this, the doctor said: ‘You’ll be pleased to know that tomorrow is the final day of your tapeworm treatment. This time, I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer.’

  ‘Not a cookie?’ asked the patient nervously.

  ‘No, a hammer,’ confirmed the doctor.

  So the guy returned for his final day of treatment. The doctor said: ‘OK, you know the routine.’ The patient dropped his pants and bent over. The doctor shoved the banana up the man’s ass, looked at his watch and picked up the hammer. One minute passed. Then two minutes, three minutes, four.

  Finally a little head poked out of the patient’s ass: ‘Where’s my cookie?’

  WHACK!

  1076

  An asthmatic received an obscene phone call in the middle of an asthma attack. The caller paused halfway through and said: ‘Did I call you, or did you call me?’

  HEAVEN AND HELL

  1077

  God summoned St Peter and said: ‘Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However we have a number of high-profile celebrities waiting at the Gates. We should let one in.’

  When St Peter checked, he found Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and Princess Diana waiting at the Gates. St Peter explained: ‘Heaven is really overflowing at the moment, but I have been instructed by God to admit one of you, so you will each have to come up with a reason why you should be allowed in to heaven.’

  Freddie Mercury said: ‘I was one of the world’s greatest rock singers, responsible for some classic numbers, and if I am admitted, heaven will resound to my great singing voice. I will write tunes that will touch the hearts of angels.’

  Gianni Versace said: ‘I was Earth’s greatest designer. If I am admitted, I will dress the cherubs and angels in the latest fashions. Heaven will never have looked better.’

  ‘Now, Princess Diana,’ said St Peter, ‘what do you have to say?’

  But Diana said nothing. Instead she just blushed shyly.

  Then St Peter announced his decision – he was going to admit Princess Diana to heaven. Freddie and Gianni were furious and protested vigorously.

  ‘Sorry, guys,’ said St Peter, ‘but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day.’

  In Heaven:

  1078

  The cooks are French,

  1079

  The policemen are English,

  1080

  The mechanics are German,

  1081

  The lovers are Italian,

  1082

  The bankers are Swiss.

  In Hell:

  1083

  The cooks are English,

  1084

  The policemen are German,

  1085

  The mechanics are French,

  1086

  The lovers are Swiss,

  1087

  The bankers are Italian.

  1088

  Two identical twin brothers died at around the same time. One was happily married, did charitable works and generally led a blameless life; the other was a drunken womanizer, a serial liar and cheat. The bad twin went to hell and the good twin went to heaven, from where he was able to look down on his brother.

  The good twin was dismayed that hell was not as bad as he had hoped. Indeed his brother seemed to be having the time of his life, drinking, partying and enjoying the company of a beautiful woman. Eventually the good twin complained to St Peter: ‘Heaven is very nice and peaceful, but my brother appears to be having plenty of fun in hell. He has his own beer keg and just look at that gorgeous woman he has been given.’

  St. Peter said: ‘Fear not, my son. All is not as it seems. The keg has a hole in it; the woman doesn’t.’

  1089

  Father O’Flynn walked into a pub in rural Ireland and said to the first man he met: ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

  ‘I do. Father,’ said the man.

  The priest said: ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’

  Then the priest asked a second man: ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

  ‘Certainly, Father,’ came the reply.

  ‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.

  Then Father O’Flynn walked up to Mick Murphy and said: ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

  Murphy said: ‘No, I don’t. Father.’

  ‘I don’t believe this!’ exclaimed the priest. ‘You mean to tell me that when you die, you don’t want to go to heaven?’

  Murphy said: ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’

  1090

  Hearing a knock at the Pearly Gates, St Peter looked out and saw a man waiting to enter. But before St Peter could conduct his interview, the man had disappeared. A puzzled St Peter returned to his duties, only to be disturbed a couple of minutes later by the same man knocking on the Gates. However once again the man vanished before speaking. Lo and behold, less than two minutes later, the man appeared at the Gates for a third time.

  St Peter said: ‘Are you playing games with me?’

  ‘No,’ said the man. ‘They’re trying to resuscitate me.’

  1091

  Fidel Castro died and went to heaven, but St Peter said he wasn’t on the list and had to go to hell instead. So Castro went to hell where the Devil gave him a warm welcome. But then
Castro realized he had left his luggage in heaven. ‘No problem,’ said Satan, ‘I’ll send a couple of my little devils up to fetch it.’

  When the little devils arrived in heaven, they found that the Gates were locked and St Peter was at lunch. So they decided to climb the wall and get the luggage but as they did so, they were spotted by two angels.

  One angel said to the other. ‘Look at that! Castro hasn’t been in hell five minutes and we’re already getting refugees!’

  1092

  An American, a Scotsman and a Canadian were involved in a serious road smash. They were taken to the same emergency room, but all died before they arrived. Just as the staff were about to put the toe tag on the American, he suddenly stirred and opened his eyes. The astonished doctors asked him what happened.