1246
A Jehovah’s Witness was doing his rounds, knocking door to door. Eventually an elderly woman invited him in for a cup of coffee.
He was so shocked, he said: ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes, yes, dear, come on in,’ she insisted. I don’t see many people these days. And although my sister’s coming later, she won’t be here until two o’clock, so that gives us plenty of time for a nice chat. Now I want you to tell me all about the Jehovah’s Witnesses.’
‘I can’t,’ he spluttered. ‘I’ve only been a Jehovah’s Witness four years, and I’ve never got this far before!’
1247
Two Jehovah’s Witnesses were going door to door. Atone house, the woman told them bluntly that she was not remotely interested in listening to their message. She slammed the door in their faces but, to her surprise, it bounced open again. Again and again, she tried to slam the door, but still it wouldn’t shut. Angrily, she yelled: ‘Will you get your blasted foot out of my door!’
‘My foot isn’t in your door,’ said one of the Jehovah’s Witnesses. ‘But you might want to move your cat.’
JESUS CHRIST
1248
Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was very tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. ‘Jesus Christ!’ he exclaimed.
Joseph said: ‘Write that down, Mary. It’s better than Wayne.’
1249
Every night a little Catholic boy knelt beside his bed and prayed to Jesus for a new car. But after three weeks and no sign of the car, the boy became impatient. So one night he ran into his parents’ bedroom, grabbed a statuette of the Virgin Mary, wrapped it in paper, tape and twine, and put it in a box at the bottom of his closet. Then he got down on his knees again, put his hands together and said: ‘OK, Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again . . .’
1250
What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting? – It takes only one nail to hang a painting.
1251
What did the Virgin Mary say when she saw the wise men? – ‘Typical. You wait ages then three come at once.’
1252
Jesus and Moses got together for a reunion. Moses was reminiscing. ‘You know,’ he said, ‘it’s been years since I’ve parted a sea.’ So he raised his hands, and a sea parted. ‘Hey, that was fun!’ he exclaimed.
Then Jesus said: ‘It’s been a long time since I walked on water.’ So he started to walk on water but after about ten paces, he sank and had to wade back to shore. ‘That’s odd,’ he mused. ‘I always used to be able to do it.’
So he tried again, but fared little better and had to wade back to shore once more. ‘I seem to have lost the knack,’ he told Moses despairingly. ‘But I’m going to have one last attempt.’
For the third time Jesus tried to walk on water but once again he soon sank and had to make his way back to the shore.
‘I just don’t understand why I can’t do it,’ he wailed.
‘I do,’ said Moses. ‘The last time you tried, you didn’t have holes in your feet.’
1253
A holy priest renowned for his charitable works died and went to heaven. As a reward for a lifetime of selflessness, St Peter granted him one wish.
‘I have always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother,’ said the priest, ‘and I would dearly love to meet her.’
So St Peter arranged a meeting. The priest was suitably in awe. ‘I have studied every portrait of you,’ he said to the Virgin Mary, ‘and I have always detected a slightly sad look on your face. I have often wondered what it was that made you sad. I would deem it a great honour if you could tell me your secret.’
Mary sighed: ‘I was really hoping for a girl . . .’
1254
St Peter stood at the Pearly Gates and asked Jesus: ‘Would you mind guarding the gate while I go on an errand?’
‘Sure,’ said Jesus. ‘What do I have to do?’
St Peter explained: ‘Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven.’
‘OK,’ said Jesus.
The first person to appear was a wizened old man.
‘What do you do for a living?’ asked Jesus.
‘I was a carpenter,’ said the old man.
Remembering his own earthly experience, Jesus was eager to learn more. ‘Did you have a family?’ he asked.
‘Yes, I had a son,’ answered the old man. ‘But I lost him.’
‘You lost your son?’ asked Jesus, more interested than ever. ‘Can you tell me about him?’
‘Well, he had holes in his hands and feet.’
Shocked, Jesus smiled and reached out his arms. ‘Father?’
The old man smiled and returned the embrace. ‘Pinocchio?’
JEWISH JOKES
1255
Two Jewish mothers met for coffee. ‘How are the kids, Miriam?’ asked one.
‘To tell you the truth, my Daniel has married a slut! She doesn’t get out of bed until eleven. She’s out all day spending his money on heaven knows what, and when he gets home exhausted, she doesn’t even have a nice hot dinner waiting for him. Instead she makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant.’
‘And Rachel?’
‘Ah, Rachel has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy all she needs, and in the evening he takes her out to dinner at a nice restaurant.’
1256
Old Stanley Goldberg was on his deathbed. He called to his wife: ‘Ruth, are you there?’
‘Yes, I’m here,’ she replied.
‘What about Benjamin, my eldest son, is he here?’
‘Yes, I’m here. Dad,’ said Benjamin.
‘And Naomi, my only daughter, is she here too?’
‘Yes, Dad, I’m here too,’ answered Naomi.
‘And Aaron, my other son, is he here?’
‘Yes, I’m here,’ said Aaron. ‘We’re all here.’
Stanley slowly raised his head from his pillow and with his last breath said: ‘Well, who’s minding the shop?’
1257
Did you hear about the Jewish kamikaze pilot? – He crashed his plane into his uncle’s scrap metal yard.
1258
An elderly Jewish man hated being in an old folks’ home and repeatedly begged his family to take him somewhere else. His son said: ‘But Dad, you’ve tried every other place in town except for the Catholic home on the east side. And you’d hate it there.’
‘No, I wouldn’t,’ he said. ‘Get me in.’
So the family moved him into the Catholic home. Next weekend when they all went to visit, the old man said he was having a wonderful time. ‘It’s great here,’ he said. ‘They’re always laughing and joking, everybody’s happy, and everybody’s got a nickname.’
‘A nickname?’ queried the son, surprised.
‘Yeah,’ continued the old man. ‘See that bald guy over there, they call him Curly. And that guy there who must weigh 350 pounds, they call him Tiny. And me who hasn’t had sex in thirty years. . . they call me the fucking Jew!’
1259
What’s the definition of a Jewish threesome? – Two headaches and an erection.
1260
Two Jews were talking. One said to the other: ‘What would you do if you won the lottery?’
‘I’d give you half,’ said the other. ‘You’re my best friend.’
‘What would you do if you had two houses?’
‘I’d give you a house – you’re my best friend.’
‘And what would you do if you had two cars?’
‘I’d give you a car, of course – you’re my best friend.’
‘What would you do if you had two chickens?’
‘That’s not fair – you know I’ve got two chickens.’
1261
After Moses and God had finished their summit on Mount Si
nai, Moses had one last question. ‘OK,’ said Moses, ‘let me get this straight: the Arabs get all the oil, we have to cut the ends off our dicks, and yet we’re the “chosen people”?’
1262
A Jewish guy went into a baker’s. ‘How much are the bagels?’ he asked.
‘Eighty cents for two.’
‘How much for one?’
‘Forty-five cents.’
‘Then I’ll take the other one.’
1263
Old Hymie Rosenthal was suffering from a rare disease, which meant that he could drink only human milk.
‘How can I get human milk?’ he asked his doctor.
‘Well,’ said the doctor, ‘Miriam Goldblum’s just had a baby. Maybe she’ll help.’
So every day Hymie went to Miriam’s house for his daily nourishment. Miriam was a dark-eyed, big-breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Hymie lapped at her ripe breasts. One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him: ‘Tell me, Mr Rosenthal, do you like it?’
‘Mmmm, wonderful,’ he sighed.
‘Is there … is there anything else you’d like?’ she asked, teasingly
‘As a matter of fact there is,’ murmured Hymie.
‘What?’ purred Miriam.
Hymie licked his lips. ‘Maybe a little biscuit?’
1264
A boy came home from school with a puzzled expression. His mother was Jewish and his father was Mexican. The boy asked: ‘Mom, am I more Jewish or more Mexican?’
‘What does it really matter?’ she said. ‘But if you want to know for sure, you’ll have to ask your father.’
So when his father arrived home from work, the boy asked him: ‘Dad, am I more Jewish or more Mexican?’
‘What kind of question is that?’ said the father. ‘Why do you want to know if you’re more Jewish or Mexican?’
‘Well, it’s like this. Dad,’ explained the boy. ‘My friend Larry down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don’t know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait until it’s dark and steal the thing.’
1265
God came down, and went to the Germans and said: ‘I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.’
And the Germans asked: ‘What are Commandments?’
The Lord said: ‘They are rules for living.’
‘Can you give us an example?’ asked the Germans.
‘Thou shalt not kill,’ said God.
‘Not kill?’ said the Germans. ‘Sorry, we’re not interested.’
So God went to the Italians and said: ‘I have Commandments.’
The Italians asked for an example, and the Lord said: ‘Thou shalt not steal.’
‘Not steal?’ said the Italians. ‘We’re not interested.’
Next God went to the French and said: ‘I have Commandments.’
The French wanted an example and God said: ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife.’
‘Not covet my neighbour’s wife?’ said the French. ‘No, we’re not interested.’
So God went to the Jews and said: ‘I have Commandments.’
‘Commandments?’ queried the Jews. ‘How much are they?’
They’re free,’ said God.
‘We’ll take ten.’
1266
If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be? – A fur coat.
1267
A young man told his Jewish mother that he had fallen in love and was going to get married. He said: ‘Just for fun, ma, I’m going to bring three women over on Thursday night, and you have to try and guess which is the one I’m going to marry.’
‘Whatever,’ said his mother.
So on the Thursday he brought over three young women and sat them down in the lounge. His mother immediately said: ‘The one in the middle.’
‘That’s right,’ said the son. ‘How did you know?’
‘Because I don’t like her.’
1268
What’s the hardest thing to explain to a Jew about football? – That a quarterback isn’t a tax return.
1269
What do you get when you cross an Irishman with a Jew? – An alcoholic who buys his liquor wholesale.
1270
Old Hetty Goldberg was dying. She asked her husband Henry: ‘How many cars have you ordered to go to the cemetery?’
‘Four,’ he replied.
‘Does that include the hearse?’
‘Yes.’
‘Four is too many. Cancel one.’
‘Whatever you say, darling.’
‘And I want you to promise me something else.’
‘Anything, darling.’
‘I want you and my mother to travel together in the same car.’
‘But you know we haven’t spoken to each other for ten years . . .’
‘I know, but it’s what I want. Promise me you’ll do it.’
‘Well, OK, I’ll do it. But let me tell you now, it will ruin the day for me.’
1271
Solly bought a cheap vase for his sister’s birthday, but accidentally smashed it before he could give it to her. Then he had an idea. He gift-wrapped the vase, put it in a box, and posted it to her, with the intention of claiming money back from the postal service for the breakage.
Two days later, the sister phoned to thank him for the vase, but said that it had arrived broken.
‘Oh, what a pity,’ said Solly.
‘Yes, isn’t it?’ said his sister. ‘Still, it was very kind of you to wrap each piece individually . . .’
1272
Isaac was going shopping in New York for a new suit. Eventually he came across an expensive Jewish tailor’s. The owner welcomed him in and immediately launched into his sales talk. ‘You’ve come to the right place. When we make a suit here, you’ll be surprised at how we go about it. No expense is spared. First, digital cameras take pictures of your every muscle and we download the pictures to a special computer to build up your image. Then we cultivate sheep in New Zealand to get the very best cloth. For the silk lining, we contact Japan for their silkworms, and we ask Hawaiian deep-sea divers to get the pearl buttons . . .’
‘But,’ interrupted Isaac, I need the suit for a Barmitzvah.’
‘When?’
‘Tomorrow.’
‘You’ll have it.’
1273
A young gay man called home and told his Jewish mother that he had decided to go back into the closet because he had met a wonderful girl whom he wanted to marry. ‘I’m sure this will please you, mother, because I know you’ve never been happy about me being gay.’
‘Oh, yes,’said his mother,’this is indeed wonderful news. I suppose it would be too much to hope that the girl you are planning to marry would be Jewish?’
‘Mother, not only is she Jewish, but she comes from a wealthy Beverly Hills family.’
‘All my prayers have been answered,’ announced the mother gleefully. ‘You have made your mother the happiest woman on this earth. Tell me, what is the girl’s name?’
‘Monica Lewinsky.’
There was a pause, then his mother asked: ‘Whatever happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?’
1274
Why do Jews have big noses? – Because air is free.
1275
A religious instruction teacher asked her young class to name the greatest man who ever lived. To stimulate thought, she promised a bar of chocolate to whoever gave the answer she was looking for.
Straight away a boy put up his hand and said: ‘George Washington.’
‘He was indeed a great man,’ said the teacher, ‘but not the one I’m looking for.’
Then a girl raised her hand and called out: ‘John F. Kennedy.’
‘He, too, was a great man,’ conceded the teacher, ‘but not the one I have in mind.’
Finally a Jewish boy raised his hand and said: ‘Jesus Christ.’
The teacher was surprised but said, ‘Yes, t
hat’s the answer I am looking for,’ and handed him the chocolate.
At the end of the lesson, the teacher asked the Jewish boy how he knew the right answer.
Clutching his bar of chocolate, the Jewish boy said: ‘Listen, lady, you know the answer was Moses, and I know the answer was Moses, but business is business.’
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 35