The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  1677

  Jack and Jill went up the hill

  For just an itty bitty.

  But Jill’s now two months overdue

  And Jack has left the city.

  1678

  Hey Diddle Diddle

  The cat did a piddle

  All over the bedside clock.

  The little dog laughed to see such fun

  Then died of an electric shock.

  1679

  Little Muss Muffet sat on a tuffet,

  Her clothes all tattered and torn.

  It wasn’t the spider that crept up beside

  Twas Little Boy Blue with his horn.

  1680

  Mary had a little lamb,

  Her father shot it dead.

  Now it goes to school with her

  Between two chunks of bread.

  1681

  Jack and Jill went up the hill

  So Jack could lick Jill’s fanny.

  Jack got a shock

  And a mouthful of cock

  Cos Jill’s a bloody tranny!

  NYMPHOMANIA

  1682

  A mother and daughter were raving nymphomaniacs. They screwed around with so many men that before long their holes were really loose. But then the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married. Her future husband had no idea about her wild past and thought she was still a virgin. So he chose to postpone having sex with her until their wedding night. However the daughter was worried about the state of her hole and consulted her mother.

  ‘Mom, what will Todd do if he finds about my hole?’

  ‘Don’t worry, darling,’ said the mother. ‘I’ll show how you to keep him in the dark. All you have to do is place an apple in your hole and it will be so tight he won’t even notice it.’

  The daughter heeded the advice and everything went smoothly for a few months. Whenever she wanted to bathe, she would remove the apple and place it on the washbasin, reinserting it in her hole when she had finished. But one day after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the washbasin. The husband came into the washroom, saw the apple and, thinking it was a treat from his wife, ate it.

  ‘Honey, thanks for the apple,’ he said later. It tasted great!’

  The daughter was mortified and dashed to report the sorry episode to her mother. ‘Todd found the apple and ate it!’ she shrieked. ‘What should I do? Do you think I’ve poisoned him?’

  ‘Don’t worry, darling,’ said the mother. ‘A few years ago your father ate the watermelon I left in the washroom and he lived!’

  1683

  Maxine was telling her friend Kay what had happened on her date the previous night when she had brought a guy home.

  ‘The bastard called me a slut!’ said Maxine.

  ‘What did you do?’ asked Kay.

  ‘I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom and take his eight mates with him!’

  1684

  Two golfers were waiting on the tee when a naked woman ran across the fairway and into the woods. She was being chased by two men in white coats, another guy carrying two buckets of sand, and a little old man bringing up the rear.

  One of the golfers said to the old man: ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘She’s a nymphomaniac from the asylum,’ replied the old man. ‘She keeps trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her.’

  ‘So what about the guy with the buckets of sand?’

  ‘Oh, that’s his handicap. He caught her last time.’

  1685

  A woman went to the doctor and said: ‘Doctor, I think I’m becoming a nymphomaniac.’

  The doctor said: ‘Why don’t you lie down and tell me about it?’

  1686

  A guy picked up a girl and took her back to his hotel room. She turned out to be a raving nymphomaniac and, after six times, she was still screaming for more. Eventually, after the eighth time, he said he needed to go out and buy some cigarettes.

  On his way he stopped at the men’s room. Standing in front of the urinal, he unzipped, but couldn’t find his dick. After fishing around for it for a minute, he said: ‘Look, it’s OK. She’s not here!’

  1687

  Sam was extolling the virtues of his glamorous fiancee.

  One of his friends said: ‘You can’t be serious about marrying her. She’s been with every guy in Phoenix!’

  Sam thought for a second before replying: ‘Phoenix isn’t such a big town . . .’

  OLD AGE

  1688

  One day, a farmer was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped at the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem – how to carry all his purchases home.

  The livestock dealer said: ‘Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’

  ‘Gee, thanks,’ said the farmer, and off he went. While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.

  ‘Can you tell me how to get to 412 Canyon Avenue?’ she asked.

  The farmer replied: ‘Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 401 Canyon Avenue. Let’s take my shortcut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’

  The little old lady said: ‘How do I know that when we get in the alley, you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?’

  The farmer said: ‘Holy smokes, lady, I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and ravish you?’

  The old lady answered: ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens . . .’

  1689

  A family had booked into a motel for the night but a mix-up over the rooms meant that the grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as his fifteen-year-old grandson. In the middle of the night, grandpa woke up and shouted: ‘Quick! Get me a woman! Now!’

  ‘Please, grandpa,’ said the boy. ‘Calm down. First, it’s three o’clock in the morning, and you’ll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you’re eighty-three years old. And third, that’s my dick you’re holding, not yours!’

  1690

  What goes in and out and stinks of piss? – Your granny doing the hokey cokey.

  1691

  Two old ladies – Ethel and Mabel – were walking through a museum when they became separated. When they met up again, Ethel said: ‘Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?’

  ‘Yes, I did!’ said Mabel. ‘And frankly I was shocked. How can they display such a thing! The penis on it was so large!’

  Ethel added: ‘. . . And cold, too!’

  1692

  A group of pensioners were sitting around in the nursing home comparing notes regarding their various ailments.

  One said: ‘My hands are so shaky I can hardly lift this cup.’

  Another said: ‘My cataracts are so bad I can’t see to pour my coffee.’

  Another said: ‘I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck.’

  Another said: ‘My blood pressure pills make me dizzy.’

  Another said: ‘I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old.’

  Another said: ‘Yes, but it’s not all bad. We should be thankful that we can all still drive.’

  1693

  An eighty-year-old rancher was about to marry a young girl of twenty-one. His trusted friend and adviser, the local banker, had serious doubts as to how long an old man would be able to satisfy such a young bride and feared for his friend’s happiness. So, for the sake of matrimonial harmony, he advised the old man to bring in a hired hand to help around the ranch, knowing full well that the hired hand would probably help out in the bedroom, too, behind the old man’s back. The rancher thought it was a great idea.

  Four months later, the banker called on his friend. ‘H
ow’s your new wife?’ he asked.

  ‘She’s pregnant,’ replied the old man.

  The banker smiled knowingly. ‘And how’s the hired hand?’

  ‘Oh, she’s pregnant, too!’

  1694

  A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

  ‘Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?’

  The old man looked at him and said: ‘Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck . . . This is your grandma’s idea.’

  1695

  Two old men were talking. One said: ‘I’m eighty-three and full of aches and pains. How about you?’

  The other said: ‘I feel like a newborn baby.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

  1696

  Three old men were discussing their lives. One said: ‘I’m still a once-a-night man.’ The next said: ‘I’m a two-times-a-night man.’ The third said: ‘My wife will tell you that I’m a five-times-a-night man. You know, I really shouldn’t drink so much tea before I go to bed.’

  1697

  An elderly couple were sitting quietly on the porch in their rocking chairs when, without warning, the old man reached over and slapped his wife.

  ‘What was that for?’ she demanded.

  ‘That’s for forty years of rotten sex!’

  She said nothing, but a few minutes later she slapped him back.

  ‘What was that for?’ he asked, shocked.

  ‘That’s for knowing the difference!’

  1698

  How do you know when you’re getting old? – When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

  1699

  A general store owner hired a young female clerk who used to wear short skirts and skimpy thongs to work. One day a young man came in to the store and asked for some raisin bread. As the raisin bread was located on the top shelf, she had to climb a stepladder to reach it, affording him a great view up her skirt. He was so impressed by what he saw that when she came down, he suddenly remembered he needed more raisin bread – just so that she would have to climb back up.

  By now the other male customers in the shop had cottoned on to what was happening and they, too, asked in turn for raisin bread. Each time the girl dutifully climbed the ladder for the raisin bread and each time they got an eyeful. After half a dozen climbs in quick succession, she began to get tired. From the top step, she looked down at the group of men and spotted an old man, who was yet to be served, staring up at her. Trying to save herself another trip, she asked him: ‘Is yours raisin, too?’

  ‘No,’ he said, ‘but it’s startin’ to twitch!’

  1700

  A young man was studying an elderly couple in McDonald’s. He saw that they had ordered one meal and an extra drinks cup. Then he watched the old man carefully cut the hamburger in half before dividing the fries into two equal portions. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and began to eat.

  Feeling sorry for them, the young man decided to ask if he could buy them another meal so they didn’t have to split everything in two.

  ‘Oh, no,’ said the old man, ‘this is the way we do things. We’ve been married for nearly sixty years, and we always share everything.’

  The young man asked the woman if she was going to eat.

  ‘Not yet,’ she answered. It’s his turn with the teeth.’

  1701

  Two old men stumbled into a bar. ‘Shall we have a Guinness?’ suggested one. ‘They say it puts lead in your pencil.’

  ‘I suppose we could try,’ said the other, ‘although, to be honest, I’ve got nobody to write to.’

  1702

  An old man went into a car showroom with his young wife. When the owner of the showroom began eyeing her up, the old man proposed a wager. If you can do everything to my wife that I can do, I will pay you double for the car. If you can’t, you will give it to me for free!’

  Being something of a ladies’ man, the owner readily agreed to the wager.

  The old man began by giving his wife a passionate kiss, and the owner did the same. Next the old man unbuttoned her blouse and kissed her breasts, whereupon the owner did the same. Then the old man opened his fly, pulled out his pecker, and bent it in half.

  ‘What colour car do you want?’ asked the owner.

  1703

  An old man was proudly displaying his physique to his wife. ‘What do you think of my balls?’ he asked. ‘Still pretty big, huh? I think of them as my Crown Jewels.’

  ‘Yes,’ said the wife. ‘They’re for display purposes only.’

  1704

  A reporter was interviewing a woman who was celebrating her 100th birthday. ‘And why do you think it is that you have reached such a wonderful old age?’ he asked.

  It is because I believe in moderation in all things,’ she replied. ‘I have always practised moderation in drink, diet and exercise, and that is why I have remained so healthy.’

  ‘But I understand you have often been bedridden?’ said the reporter.

  ‘Of course I have,’ said the old lady. ‘But don’t you dare put that in your newspaper!’

  1705

  A theatre usher saw an old man crawling on his hands and knees. He went over to him and said: ‘Sir, you’re disturbing several people around you. What’s the problem?’

  ‘I’ve lost my gum,’ said the old man, continuing to rummage beneath the seats.

  ‘Sir,’ continued the usher, ‘if that’s your only problem, let me offer you another stick of gum so you can sit down and watch the show. A stick of gum is not worth all this commotion.’

  ‘But you don’t understand,’ said the old man. ‘My false teeth are in that gum!’

  1706

  An old man walked into an exclusive New York jeweller’s with a young woman on his arm. ‘I’d like the 24-carat gold necklace in the window,’ he announced, ‘the one priced at $20,000. Will a cheque be all right?’

  ‘Certainly, sir,’ said the sales clerk. ‘But we’ll have to wait a few days for it to clear. Can you come back on Monday to collect the necklace?’

  ‘Sure,’ said the old man, and he and the girl walked out arm-in-arm.

  On the Monday the old man returned, to be greeted by an irate clerk. ‘You’ve got a damn nerve coming back,’ raged the clerk. ‘That cheque of yours bounced all the way to Washington!’

  ‘Yes, I’m sorry about that,’ said the old man. I just came in to apologize – and to thank you for the best weekend of my life.’

  1707

  An elderly couple went for their annual medical examination. After giving the husband a thorough checkover, the doctor said: ‘You appear to be in good health. Do you have any concerns at all?’

  ‘There is one thing,’ said the old man. ‘After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I’m usually hot and sweaty. But after I have sex with her for the second time, I’m usually cold and shivery.’

  ‘Hmm, that’s interesting,’ said the doctor. ‘Let me look into it. I’ll do some research and get back to you.’

  Then the doctor examined the wife. After giving her the usual tests, he said: ‘You seem to be in good health. Any concerns at all?’

  ‘No, doctor,’ she said.

  ‘Oh, only your husband mentioned that after he has sex with you for the first time, he feels hot and sweaty, but after he has sex with you for the second time, he feels cold and shivery. Have you any idea why this should be?’

  ‘The silly old fool!’ said the wife. ‘That’s because the first time we have sex is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!’

  1708

  Two old men were sitting down to breakfast. One said: ‘Did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?’

  ‘Really?’ said the other. ‘I’m glad you told me. Now I think I kno
w where my hearing aid is.’

  1709

  What happened when the old woman streaked through the flower show? – She won the prize for Best Dried Arrangement.

  1710

  An old couple were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called for all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other on the body part they wanted to be healed. The old lady shuffled over to the TV, put her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder. Then the old man got up, shuffled across to the TV, put his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. The old lady scowled: ‘You don’t get it, do you? The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead!’