The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  1711

  An old lady wanted a pet for companionship, but all the shop had left was an ugly frog. Nevertheless she decided to take it, and on the drive home the frog suddenly said: ‘Kiss me.’ She did, and the frog turned into a handsome prince. The prince then kissed her back, and do you know what the old lady turned into? The first motel she could find.

  1712

  Two old men – Sid and Bert – were sitting in the park watching a pretty girl walk by. Sid turned to Bert and said: ‘You remember those bromide pills they gave us in the war to stop us chasing after women?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Bert. ‘What about them?’

  Sid said: ‘I think mine are beginning to work.’

  1713

  When a sixty-eight-year-old millionaire married a twenty-year-old model, his friend was understandably envious. ‘You lucky devil,’ he said. ‘How did you manage to get such a beautiful young wife?’

  ‘Easy,’ replied the millionaire. ‘I simply told her I was ninety-six.’

  1714

  Two old women were out driving in a big car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. When they came to a junction, they went straight through even though the light was red. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: ‘I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.’

  A few hundred yards down the road, they came to another junction, and once again they sailed through on a red light. The woman in the passenger seat looked uneasily at her friend but said nothing.

  Shortly afterwards they went straight through another red light. This time the woman in the passenger seat could hold back no longer. ‘Ethel!’ she said.

  ‘Don’t you realize we just went through three red lights? You could have killed us!’

  Ethel said: ‘Oh. Am I driving?’

  1715

  How do you get a sweet little eighty-year-old lady to say ‘fuck’? – Get another sweet little eighty-year-old lady to yell ‘Bingo’.

  1716

  An old man in a nursing home had lost the power of speech. One morning while he was sitting in his chair, a nurse walked by and noticed that he was leaning to the right. So she sat him upright and told him to sit still.

  That afternoon the nurse was on her rounds when she noticed that he was leaning to the left in his chair. So she sat him upright and told him to sit still.

  A couple of hours later, she saw that he was now leaning forward. Worried that he might fall out, she tied him to the chair.

  When the old man’s daughter came to visit that evening, she was horrified to see him strapped to the chair.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ she asked.

  The old man handed her a note: ‘They won’t let me fart.’

  1717

  Three old guys were sitting around complaining about their declining health.

  The first guy said: ‘My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning, I almost cut my ear off.’

  The second guy said: ‘My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast.’

  The third guy said: ‘My hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee, I came taking my cock out.’

  1718

  An old woman was feeling suicidal following the death of her beloved husband. So she decided to use his old gun to shoot herself through the heart. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden, she asked her doctor precisely where the heart was located on a woman.

  ‘Just below your left breast,’ he answered.

  Later that night she was admitted to hospital with a gunshot wound to the knee.

  1719

  An old couple were banging away and he couldn’t help noticing that her toes curled up as he was thrusting in and out. Afterwards he said: ‘I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out.’

  ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘That usually happens when I forget to remove my pantyhose.’

  1720

  An old man went to the doctor. ‘Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, and I can hardly catch my breath. Doctor, I’m scared.’

  ‘Well,’ said the doctor, ‘I’m afraid these symptoms tend to happen during sex as you get older. Remind me, how old are you?’

  ‘Eighty-eight.’

  ‘And when did you first notice these symptoms?’

  ‘Three times last night and twice again this morning.’

  1721

  An elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counsellor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said: ‘Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex.’

  1722

  An old man went to apply for social security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers’ licence to prove his age, but he realized he’d left it at home.

  ‘Never mind,’ said the clerk, ‘unbutton your shirt.’

  So he opened his shirt to reveal tufts of silver hair.

  ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,’ said the clerk.

  Later at home the old man told the story to his wife. The wife listened patiently before replying: ‘You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability too!’

  Signs Your Grandparents are Still Sexually Active:

  1723

  At night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

  1724

  You find granny cuffed to her walker.

  1725

  Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

  1726

  Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains about ‘denture-burn’.

  1727

  Grandma starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

  1728

  Grandma looks at grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.

  1729

  Their adjustable bed is set for ‘doggy-style’.

  1730

  An eighty-two-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. After examining him thoroughly, the doctor said: ‘You’re in great shape. You might live for ever! Tell me, how old was your father when he died?’

  ‘Did I say he was dead?’ said the old man.

  The doctor was amazed. ‘Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?’

  ‘Did I say he was dead?’

  The doctor was almost speechless. ‘You mean to say, you’re eighty-two years old, and both your father and grandfather are still alive?’

  ‘Not only that,’ said the old man, ‘but my grandfather is 126 and last week he got married for the first time.’

  The doctor found this unbelievable. ‘After 126 years of being a bachelor, why on earth did your grandfather want to get married?’

  ‘Did I say he wanted to?’

  ORGASM

  1731

  A guy went into a bar and met a really nice girl. They got on so well that after a few drinks they ended up in bed back at his place. Everything was great until, still on top of him, she suddenly had an epileptic seizure and began shaking and foaming at the mouth. The ignorant guy thought this was incredible – the best sex he’d ever had. He finished but she was still thrashing about. He wasn’t sure what was wrong but began to get a little nervous and decided to take her to the Emergency Room. When they arrived, she was still frothing and shaking. The nurse asked him what the problem was. He replied: ‘I think her orgasm’s stuck!’

  1732

  Unable to bring his wife to orgasm, a little Jewish man turned to his rabbi for advice. The rabbi said: ‘Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring about an orgasm.’

  So the husband agreed to try it. He hired a handsome young man to wave a towel over them while they made love, but still the wife did not reach orgasm. When the husband reported the latest failure, the rabbi suggested rever
sing the roles. ‘Have the young man make love to your wife, and you wave the towel over them.’

  So the husband stood waving the towel while his wife and the young man made love. The young man soon got into his stride and began screwing the wife with a vengeance. She responded with forceful thrusts of her own and after a few minutes let out a prolonged cry of ecstasy that travelled halfway down the street. Exhausted but grinning from ear to ear, she slumped on the bed, totally satisfied.

  The husband looked at the young man and declared triumphantly: ‘You see, that’s the way to wave a towel!’

  1733

  Why do women have orgasms? – It gives them another reason to moan.

  1734

  Why do women fake orgasms? – Because they think men care.

  1735

  A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening. He was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. Suddenly he turned to her and said: ‘Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?’

  ‘Is that right?’ she said, smiling. ‘Prove it!’

  ‘OK,’ he said, and to his wife’s bemusement, he got out of bed and went downstairs. He returned half an hour later, sweating profusely.

  ‘What happened to you?’ she asked.

  ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I’m sure the cow and the sheep didn’t, but the way that pig’s always squealing, how can I tell?’

  1736

  Norm and Kirk were drinking at a bar. As the conversation turned to women, Norm said: ‘Did you know that there are four different types of female orgasm?’

  ‘Really?’ said Kirk. ‘What are they?’

  ‘There’s the Positive, the Negative, the Religious, and the Fake.’

  ‘What’s the difference?’

  ‘The Positive goes, “Oh yes! Ooh yes!” The Negative goes, “Oh no! Oh no!” The Religious goes, “Oh God! Oh God!” And the Fake goes, “Oh Kirk! Oh Kirk!”’

  1737

  A man and his wife were having sex. Fifteen minutes passed, then thirty, then forty-five. The sweat was pouring off them and it was becoming increasingly apparent that neither was going to reach orgasm.

  Finally the wife said: ‘What’s the matter, darling, can’t you think of anyone else either?’

  PARROTS

  1738

  A farmer and his wife were given a male parrot by an elderly aunt. The parrot had a high sex drive and at the first opportunity flew out of the farmhouse to screw the next-door neighbour’s turkey. When the neighbour complained, the farmer warned the parrot that if it happened again he would shave the parrot’s head.

  But the parrot couldn’t help himself. Overcome with desire, he sneaked out that night and screwed the turkey again. When the farmer found out, he carried out his threat and shaved the parrot’s head.

  The farmer’s daughter was getting married the following afternoon and, in order to please his aged aunt, the farmer sat the parrot on a piano in the church and told the bird that, as a punishment, he had to greet all the wedding guests and tell them where to sit.

  The parrot proved extremely efficient, telling everyone: ‘Groom’s side to the left, bride’s side to the right.’ In fact everything was running smoothly until two bald men walked in. The parrot took one look at them and said: ‘Right, you two turkey fuckers, up here on the piano with me.’

  1739

  A guy owned a parrot that never talked, so he went to the pet shop for advice. The pet shop proprietor said: ‘Your parrot has too much hook in its beak – you have to file its beak and then it will be able to talk just fine. But you’ve got to be careful not to file it too far because if you take too much off, the bird will drown the first time it has a drink.’

  ‘How much will this cost?’ asked the bird’s owner.

  ‘About $100.’

  ‘I can’t afford that sort of money. Filing down a parrot’s beak can’t be that difficult – I’ll do it myself.’

  A week later the two men met in the street. Is your parrot talking yet?’ asked the shopkeeper.

  ‘No, he’s dead,’ replied the owner.

  ‘I told you not to file the beak back too far. Did he drown when he had a drink?’

  ‘No, he was dead before I got him out of the vice.’

  1740

  His marriage becoming increasingly strained, a man decided that he wanted a pet as a companion he could relate to. So he went along to the pet shop in search of a new friend and there spotted a parrot with no legs or feet sitting on a perch.

  ‘Goodness me!’ said the man to the shop owner. ‘What on earth happened to that parrot?’

  ‘I was born this way,’ squawked the parrot.

  The man laughed to the owner. It was almost if the parrot understood me!’

  ‘I did,’ said the parrot. I understood every word. I’ll have you know I’m a highly intelligent bird. I can speak three languages and can conduct a stimulating conversation on a whole range of subjects from nuclear physics to football. I would make a great companion.’

  The man was impressed by the parrot’s skills but one thing puzzled him. ‘How do you hang on to your perch without any feet?’

  ‘What I do,’ replied the parrot quietly, ‘is wrap my little parrot penis around the perch, rather like a hook. Nobody can see it because of my feathers.’

  ‘How ingenious!’ said the man. ‘You’re definitely the pet for me. How much are you?’

  ‘The price tag says $200,’ replied the parrot.

  ‘$200! I can’t afford that!’

  ‘Pssst,’ hissed the parrot, beckoning the guy closer with one wing. ‘Because I haven’t got any feet nobody wants to buy me, so you can get me for much less. I bet the shop owner would be willing to sell for fifteen.’

  So the man offered fifteen dollars and walked out with the parrot.

  Over the ensuing weeks, the parrot proved the ideal companion. He was witty, interesting, understanding and dished out excellent advice. The man was delighted with him. Then one day the man arrived home from work to find the parrot waiting eagerly for him.

  ‘Here,’ said the parrot, motioning him over to the cage. I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the window-cleaner.’

  ‘What?’ said the man.

  ‘Well,’ said the parrot, ‘when he called round today, your wife greeted him at the door in a skimpy nightdress and kissed him on the mouth.’

  ‘What happened then?’ asked the man.

  ‘The window-cleaner came into the house and lifted up her nightdress and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.

  ‘Oh, no!’ exclaimed the man. ‘Then what?’

  ‘Then he lifted up the nightdress, got down on his knees and began fondling her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going lower and lower . . .’

  The parrot paused.

  ‘What happened? What happened?’ asked the man frantically.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said the parrot. ‘At that point I fell off my perch.’

  1741

  A man asked his pet parrot: ‘What would you like for your birthday?’

  The parrot said: ‘I want to get laid.’

  So the man took his pet to the parrot whorehouse and gave him a hundred bucks. A few minutes later, the man heard wild squawking and when he went to find out what was causing the commotion, he saw his parrot yanking out the whore parrot’s colourful feathers.

  ‘What are you doing?’ demanded the man.

  His parrot said: ‘For a hundred bucks I want her naked!’

  1742

  A woman got up one morning, opened the blinds, took the cover off the parrot’s cage, made a coffee and lit a cigarette. A few minutes later, the phone rang. It was her boyfriend saying that he was coming right over. She immediately put out her cigarette, pulled down the blinds, put the cover back on the parrot’s cage, and got back into bed. The parrot, from under the cloth, said: ‘Well, that was a short fuckin’ day!’

  1743

&nbs
p; A woman went to her priest and said, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.’

  ‘What do they say?’ inquired the priest.

  ‘They say, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”’