Real Ultimate Power

by Robert Hamburger

  A Sensitive Ninja’s Journal

  Did You Know?

  Even though ninjas can be emotionally unstable, they’re still able to pursue happy, meaningful lives.

  Let’s start talking directly about ninjas and look at a journal written by a real one. Apparently, sensitive ninjas keep journals, which makes sense. I got the following entries from some museum, but I forgot which one. Nevertheless, we finally have some evidence of122 their123 inner124 feelings125 and126 stuff.127

  Dear anybody who reads my crap,

  I’ll kill you. No joke.

  —A REAL ninja

  Wednesday

  Dear Diary,

  You’re the only one I can share my coolest thoughts with. Nobody I know understands Total Sweetness—so I can never reveal myself. Everybody thinks that I’m a crazy maniac killer/pimp, but deep in my catacombs, I’m really sensitive about hot babes. I like animals. When people call me names, I feel emotions. I’m a good listener. And I want my buddies to be happy, even though they don’t care about my feelings sometimes. There is a bunch of love inside me, but I can only express it through cutting off heads. People just don’t understand the pressure that pressures me—it’s depressing. I’m a mammal without a cause! I’m a self-caused-hot-babe-lover that everybody fears for no reason except that I’ll beat their ass. I’m really that simple. And nobody will take the time to listen. But I’ll listen to them, and they’ll talk all damn day. They never ask me any questions. And I have so much to say about snowballs, forts, spaceships, and stuff like that. It’s pretty lonely being a ninja. Getting so pumped all the time can be a real turnoff for friends or babes. It’s like they’ve never been excited about anything. I’ll be flipping out, and someone will be like, “Who invited that guy?” And I’ll be like, “Why does it matter?” And they’ll be like, “Well, I just wanted to know for personal reasons.” And I’ll be like, “Yeah, right.” Can you believe it? Sometimes I just feel like giving up and following rules like a regular human. But you know what? That’s a bunch of BULLCRAP! I’m a ninja! And my purpose is to flip out and kill people. So fuck you, diary! I’ll beat your ass, too!

  Thursday

  In Japanese, Mizu no Kokoro means “a mind like water,” which means that everyone should keep his mind still and calm, like a lonely pond. O.K., that sounds nice, but what if somebody throws a giant rock in the pond and the water goes nuts and the fish start screaming? Then what? I tried to find myself today. It all started earlier today when I killed this guy. I walked up behind him and cut his head off, but I didn’t look at his face. Then I thought I might have killed the wrong guy, and I got super scared. I tried to set the head back on, but it kept sliding off. After a couple minutes, it finally stayed, but it still looked weird. I thought, why do I do this to myself? Do I really need this in my life? Wouldn’t it be nice to get a normal job like everybody else and have a bunch of friends who like me because I’m nice? I could go to plays and act courteous and talk about the news, and I would try to make people feel comfortable by not killing them. And after eighty years, all these friends would be at my deathbed staring at me, and I’d stare right back and I’d think about all the work it took to make them like me. Then someone would ask, “What’s your dying wish, mon ami?” And then I’d whisper something real quiet. Everybody would look at each other and then bend down closer to hear. Then, right when they were all in place, I’d say “I love ...” and I’d reach my hands around them and start raking my teeth across their faces, and I’d be laughing and laughing. Then I’d die in peace. I’m not a bad person, though. It’s just that people don’t think I have any boundaries, but I actually have a lot. I just don’t brag about it every chance I get. I keep a lot of stuff inside, but I always find more room. It’s like my heart is hollow like a basketball, minus the air. Maybe someday I’ll be able to find someone like me.

  Friday

  Dear Diary,

  I’m supposed to kill somebody today, but I think I’ll just sleep in. Afternoon comes and I’m still a little drowsy, but I get up anyway. I look out the window and wonder about regular kids, what they’re doing, if they know about people like me. I hope so. Sometimes, I pretend that I have a son that I can hang out with—you know, like buddies. If I had a real son, we could spend family time together killing people in the park, as we hold hands, together, like father and son. Then we could go to the arcade, and I could give him all the quarters I stole from mall wishing wells. And after that, we’d run through parks with masks on, hitting people and flipping over picnic tables, and later we’d watch R-rated movies and play video games and cuss ALL NIGHT LONG. Whatever HE wants! We’d kill anybody that even looked at us. And I could teach him all my tricks and secrets. And ... one day he will grow up to kill people on his own and be a real ninja, like his father. I love you so much, mystery son, wherever you are.

  How Ninjas Learn: Senseis and Training Camps

  Did You Know?

  You might be thinking in your heart that you don’t understand what’s going on. Well ... neither do I. Maybe that comforts you. Maybe it doesn’t.

  I think you already know that ninjas don’t go to school. I don’t know how anybody in their right mind goes to school. If the president said that nobody had to go to school anymore, I can’t think of one person that would be sad. NOT ONE. Except, maybe the teachers, but that’s because they don’t have anything else. They just yell at kids all day and go home and go to bed and that’s it. One time, I saw my teacher at the grocery store. She walked right past me and kept looking straight ahead. Fortunately, ninjas don’t have to deal with any of that stuff. They learn everything they know from senseis and training camps.

  Senseis!

  Every ninja has a sensei. A sensei is basically a ninja’s teacher, but in a good way. Most of them live in dojos, but it’s not a necessity. Their main job is to train ninjas to do everything—from shaving to breaking necks. There is this one sensei. He is amazing. Like when you say something, his eyebrows jump up and he even turns his head toward you! Unfortunately, his pupil—a spoiled idiot—never appreciated the little things the sensei did for him. For his pupil’s fourteenth birthday, the sensei gave him a huge party. He even had Gloria Estefan’s make-up artist, Janet, come and give everybody fake tattoos, which was awesome! I got one of a Chinese symbol that said “Hello!” But this one kid, Trey, said that symbol really meant “faggot.” I don’t know why Janet would do that if she didn’t even know me. Besides, Trey’s NEVER allowed to watch TV, and when the sensei put the TV in the backyard, because Mark wanted movies during his party, Trey went nuts! He just kept staring at it and everything. And when one kid started talking loud, Trey put him in a headlock and told him to be quiet in a super-weird voice. Most everybody freaked out, and half the kids called their moms to go home. I didn’t leave, though, because the sensei was trying to keep the party going with dance and drink. But the important thing was that after the party, the sensei asked Mark if he got everything he wanted for his birthday And he said, “Nah ... I didn’t like it. No turkey sandwiches.” I saw the sensei’s eyes get all wet, but they didn’t drip. I couldn’t stand it, and I ran back behind the sensei’s shed and crumpled up my shirt and cried inside it. The sensei only wanted to make his pupil happy. That’s all. But no. The pupil didn’t even care, ’cause he didn’t know what it’s like in other dojos, where nobody’s ever heard of fake tattoos or birthday presents or hugs or even Gloria Estefan’s make-up artist,128 Janet.129

  Training Camps

  Even though senseis teach their pupils a boatload of information, they don’t learn everything from them. And for some ninjas who don’t even have a sober sensei, there’s got to be some place where they learn the basics. That’s why there’s summer camp. The first day is basically for getting to know everybody else—where they’re from, their favorite animals and stuff. Then everybody plays volleyball, HARD! After that, they learn stuff, like hiding, sneaking around, and stealing girls’ underwear—the basics. Then if they get cau
ght ’cause it was ONLY THEIR FIRST TIME and nobody’s perfect at sneaking around, they make the ninja take a mental test to measure their psychic energies. You have to fit these different shaped blocks into different holes. A regular person fits the circle block into the circle hole and the square into the square. But a real ninja—I mean, a really real one—doesn’t mess around with that crap. A real ninja slams the block into whatever damn hole they want. And if you pass the test, you have what it takes, and they immediately take you out of the camp. And, congratulations, you’ve made it to level eight, which is pretty high, if you ask anybody.

  A Ninja Makes a Telephone Call

  Guy: Hello?

  Ninja: Get ready.

  Guy: Get ready for what?

  Ninja: Get ready to get your ass beat! That’s what.

  Guy: Are you serious, man? Why? What did I do?

  Ninja: You can’t shut your frigg’n mouth, always talking about people you know nothing about.

  Guy: Dude, I’m sorry.

  Ninja: No.

  Guy: Come on, man.

  Ninja: No.

  Guy: I was just messing around!

  Ninja: You’re dead.

  Guy: COME ON!

  Ninja: Dude, I was just kidding.

  Guy: Really?

  Ninja: No.

  Testimonials About Ninjas by Like-Minded Kids

  Now that you’ve learned about the inner lives of ninjas, it’s time to see what other people think about them. Ninjas aren’t as bad as one may think—they don’t kill everyone they meet. There are lots of people in my neighborhood who have been touched by a ninja (not touched like how a scout leader touches, but changed). Below, these real kids have real stories to tell, which can help you understand how Total Sweetness can make a difference in someone’s life.

  Name: Peter

  Age: 11

  Mr. Frez, my math teacher, is always getting mad at me because I don’t get it. One time, in class, I went up to his desk to ask a question. He got so pissed. He looked around to see if anyone was watching, and then WHAM! he head-bunt me. I started to scream and everybody looked up. And Mr. Frez was like, “Don’t worry, Peter, we can work out this math problem together.” Then everybody went back to work. He helped me with the problem and he kept looking at me, smiling like he didn’t do anything. I felt all fucked up inside for the rest of the day. Well, guess what, some sweet ass ninja was peeking through the window and saw the whole thing. And when Mr. Frez was driving home later that day, his car stalled—apparently somebody put ninja stars in his gas tank. When he got out to snoop around, there was a ninja standing right there. Mr. Frez was like, “Hey, could you help me?” Then the ninja head-bunt him so hard that Mr. Frez fell on his back and wiggled around. And the ninja didn’t stop. He kept doing it until there was nothing left except blood/air. I love ninjas.

  Name: Fredrick

  Age: 14½

  I was playing in my closet when I found my alien mask from Halloween. I put it on and went to scare Gramma who was knitting. She got so afraid that she pricked her thumb with a needle. Because she doesn’t know how to express her anger well, Gramma pinched my stomach really hard. Well, you wouldn’t believe it but some special friends saw her inappropriate act. Later that night, two ninjas dragged Miss-I-can’t-keep-my-hands-to-myself-’cause-I’m-a-frigg’n-moron-who-uses-guilt-to-manipulate-people out to the garage and put her head in the vice on Dad’s workbench. One ninja cranked the vice while the other ninja plugged her nose. I woke up from the enormous explosion and then I laughed my frigg’n ass off.

  Name: Zachary

  Age: 12

  My dad. He’s irregular, but not in a fiber way. You see, he’s not like a TV dad—TV dads don’t go nuts when you sneeze while they’re sleeping or break your toys when you accidentally open a window. TV dads make sense. My dad makes stomachs hurt. For example, Dad would always make me bring him beer. Even when I was really young. He’d say, “Get me another.” And I would run inside and grab one, but I would go around to the driveway and grab a handful of dirt and pour it into the bottle. I would then run back into the house and out the front door to where he was sunbathing. Then I’d watch from the kitchen window as he’d spit up the dirty beer all over his hairy chest. But I didn’t laugh—I just watched. And he would scream and swear. Even after he would spank me, I would still keep doing it. He kept asking me to get him a beer when he knew I was going to put dirt in it. And I knew he was going to spank me for putting dirt in, but I’d still do it. That was our relationship. But one morning while eating breakfast, I dropped a spoon on the floor when my aunts were over and he got really embarrassed. He grabbed my hair and held me over the stairway. But as he was about to drop me, there was a whistle or a quack. And there, behind him, was a ninja. The ninja’s anger was huge, boiling. Nobody wished they were my dad that day, because what happened next is untellable: He grabbed my dad and tied all of his limbs in knots and made him eat four pure peanut butter sandwiches in a row. Then Dad started screaming like a130 fat131 dog.132 It133 was134 electrifying.135

  Dear Robert,

  In reply to your letters, I’m sorry to inform you that Diane’s House of Yoga will not be admitting you into our school. This is not, as your mother might think, a baby-sitting service. DHY is a serious school in the spiritual, mental, existential, philosophical, and physical art of yoga. And, trust me, it is an art.

  Furthermore, yoga is not about killing people. We don’t “stretch the hell out of our opponents.” Yoga is about building inner strength, but more importantly—inner peace. Killing is not in our curriculum. Life means a lot to us here: we would prefer to better the lives of others rather than diminish them. That’s why our motto is “Mo Yoga, Mo Life.” You see, I take yoga very seriously. So, you can understand why I don’t take kindly to those who would misuse its techniques to harm any form of life, whether it be plant, animal, or parent. The goodness of Earth’s life force is within you, Robert. Even though it’s misdirected, I can tell by your passion that you have real power. But you just need to calm down. Turn your life around as I did, and do something constructive with all that energy of yours, like build a doll house out of popsicle sticks or make a cardboard hat. Then maybe, after you’ve done some growing, mentally and spiritually, we can talk about getting you into some real yoga classes. Sound good?

  Your friend136 and137 protector138 of139 the140 Earth’s141 life142 force,143

  Diane144 Patton145

  Ninja Mind Control

  Did You Know?

  If you’re trying to disguise yourself to fool an approaching enemy, then try impersonating a nutsack. Just puff out your cheeks and look uninterested.

  With only their minds, ninjas can cloud people’s heads with a thunderstorm of fists or a sprinkle of kisses. So when ninjas want something and don’t feel like killing someone to get it, they use mind control. Ninjas don’t have to ask for permission for anything. If they want to take yoga classes, they just go. Picture some ninja just walking in to class and everybody looks up and doesn’t move, except for the guy shaking because of fear. Oh, you don’t want to let me join yoga? Oh, really. You think I’m too wild? Is that it? I’m sorry to hear that. Well, how about I poke your teeth with a pencil or munch on your face as I sing about your stupidity—like how you thought sponges came from the ocean? You’re so stupid and everybody knows it, even though they won’t say it to your face.

  Ninjas can do this kind of thing because they can control people’s minds with magic. Don’t believe me? Then check out how this ninja gets his way:

  Ninja: Yo.

  Pedestrian: Hi.

  Ninja: Maybe it would be nice to give me that basketball?

  Pedestrian: I don’t think so. Get your own.

  Ninja: But I like yours.

  Pedestrian: Maybe you should ... wait, is that a candy bar?

  Ninja: Maybe.

  Pedestrian: What are you going to do with it?

  I think we all know what happened to the basketball. But loo
k, my main point is that if you see a ninja, you might end up losing a bunch of your bodily possessions. So don’t say I didn’t warn you. There’s always a price for hanging out with someone too cool.146 Good147 luck,148 friend.149 Good150 luck.151

  Testimonials of Ninja Victims

  Anybody who pisses off a ninja isn’t very livable, if you know what I mean. Here are just a few OF THE MANY victims who have been killed by ninjas. Listen to how they screwed up, and maybe you’ll learn something.

  Testimonial 1

  Hello. I used to be a teacher. I would get up in the morning excited to go to school and teach my fifth grade class. Or at least that’s what I let other people believe. What I really enjoyed doing was hurting the children. Sometimes, I would have the idiots read out loud in front of the whole class. Always, I would pick the dumbest ones. And as their classmates giggled and wiggled in their seats, about to pee, I would try to hold my laughter in too, but some kids sound so stupid that I’d be trying to hold it in, and then PLAP! snot would rocket out my nose. I wish I could go back and talk to my former self and say, “Hey, man, chill. That’s not cool.” Then maybe a ninja wouldn’t have decapitated me three times and tied my naked body to his expensive car and dragged it all around town where everybody, even the girls I liked, could see. Man, I am such an idiot! Why couldn’t I just teach the kids like I was supposed to?