Real Ultimate Power

by Robert Hamburger

  Spotting Ninjas and the REAL Ultimate Ninja Test

  Did You Know?

  Most ninjas are born with pubic hair, unless they opt otherwise.

  Regular people don’t know the first or second thing about spotting ninjas. Just wearing black and owning a couple ninja stars doesn’t mean someone is a ninja—there’s a lot more to it. Fortunately for you, I am going to tell you what to look for, because you never know—a friend, enemy, or even a relative102 might103 be104 one.105 Here are some signs that somebody is a ninja, as well as the REAL Ultimate Test:

  Signs That Someone Is a Ninja

  First, look for the most obvious signs of ninja behavior—someone making fists without even knowing it, popping boners, making forts out of cushions and blankets, throwing dirt chunks, and running around the living room nonstop. If you see any of this crap, there’s an awesome chance that they’re a ninja. Or, if the suspect is really pissed at someone and instead of saying, “Dude, I’m gonna beat your ass or kill you!” your suspect just plays it cool, and looks out the window, but then, the next day, the other guy winds up missing. That’s another clue.

  But there are some other, more intimate signs that aren’t as obvious. People who are ninjas are pretty much normal on the outside. They eat and sleep and watch TV, just like you and me, but there’s just something that makes them sweeter. Here’s the main stuff to watch out for:

  Not Good at Reading

  A lot of ninjas aren’t that great at reading and don’t even know why ’cause it’s not their fault and they’re trying really hard. It’s also pretty common that other people in their family don’t read very well either. Plus, they have trouble working with numbers and spelling. A ninja constantly confuses left from right and they try not to read in front of others at all costs. Once, there was this teacher who asked this kid, I don’t know who he was, to read some practice sentences out loud and the kid just lay there on his desk. A classmate slapped his shoulder, but the kid didn’t even move. Needless to say, the kid slept through all of read-sentences-out-loud-week and had a dream where he was principal of the entire school and he made love to all the teachers while the kids were napping and, surprisingly, the teachers were amazing.

  Easily Distracted

  People who are easily distracted are probably ninjas. For example, if you’re talking to a ninja and people are shooting basketballs in the background, then you can forget it, because he won’t hear a thing you say.

  Hyperactive

  They keep moving their feet, pulling girls’ hair for no reason, talking during class time, and constantly interfering with the other children’s learning.

  Impulsiveness

  If a ninja sees a donut, it will probably end up in his mouth and on his shirt. Ninjas don’t think twice about anything, especially stuff like Christmas lists and sacrifice. They don’t mess around with questioning themselves or their sexuality—if they like a girl, they just ask them to make out, no problem. If they want to do the splits,106 they107 just108 do109 it,110 even if they’re in line for a movie. They just don’t give a crap—I’m serious. Now, look around your neighborhood for people who just can’t stop. Maybe try offering people potato chips and watch how many they take. Then you’ll know for sure.

  Other than that, you’ve got to watch out for a person who:

  Has trouble paying attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork or other activities, because who cares when Thomas Jefferson did all that crap? What’s important is that it happened and it was cool.

  Blurts out answers before hearing the full question, because he already knows the question and it’s completely stupid to wait if the entire point is to give the answer.

  Has difficultly waiting in line or for a turn because other people aren’t moving fast enough.

  Has problems with interrupting or intruding, because people are always saying a bunch of bullcrap they know nothing about.

  However, the only real way to tell if someone is a ninja is to give them the REAL Ultimate Test. Follow these instructions and you’ll know for sure.

  The REAL Ultimate Test

  1. Get a baby carrot from the crispy drawer. (You don’t need anything bigger.)

  2. Put the carrot in the freezer until it’s completely freezing cold.

  3. Wait for your suspect to bend over, like when they’re getting something from the fridge.

  4. Slide the baby carrot into the suspect’s o-ring.

  5. Wait and watch.

  If the suspect is like, “What the fuck is wrong with you, you little son of a bitch! Get the fuck away from me! Why don’t you act like a normal kid and play outside and get me a fucking beer! Your mother and I should have left you at the hospital, you crazy fuck,” then your suspect might not be a ninja. But if your suspect is like, “Yo, that’s not cool,” or just, “No way, homey!” then you’ve definitely got a ninja on your hands.

  Super Powers

  Did You Know?

  Ninjas invented edible toilet paper so they don’t have to wipe their butts anymore. They just eat it after meals and don’t have to worry about anything.

  Another thing to look for in a ninja is super powers. Ninjas can do a lot of things regular people can’t, like riding a bike without a helmet. Personally, I don’t like helmets, but I used to have a friend who had a basketball hoop fall on his head. The doctor said that he would have lived if he was wearing a helmet, but his body would have been all twisted up. So I’m for helmets. Below, some real ninjas tell how they discovered their super power:

  William (Bill)

  Ninja for four weeks

  My neighbor has a brown dog. It’s HUGE. One time, I was mowing the lawn and the dog just started running at me, but it couldn’t get me because of the fence. I turned off the mower and stared at the dog. Sweat popped out of my hair and I didn’t even blink. The dog didn’t say a word, and then it ran back toward the neighbor’s house and busted through the screen door and the people inside started squealing really hard. I knew right then that I had the power to control most brown dogs. After that, I would search for them everywhere. And when I found one, I would stare at it for as long as it took. Then they’d go FRIGG’N NUTS. They’d start spitting and rolling around the yard. And I would jump back on my bike screaming and laughing ’cause nobody would even know what happened. Dog owners would run out of their homes almost crying because their pets were so rambunctious. Their feelings of rest and relaxation from controlling their pets were lost in an explosion of chew toys and screen doors. Their lives were all changed for the better/worse because of me.

  Darlene

  Ninja for two weeks

  My parents are divorced and Mom cooks brownies all the time to make up for it. But one night, she cooked a big batch because Dad came over earlier when she wasn’t home and took two lamps that were actually hers. Mom set the brownies on top of the oven and said I couldn’t eat ANY for at least ten minutes. They were hot enough to burn an adult, she said. But as soon she left, I grabbed one and stuffed it in my face. But my tongue didn’t burn! That’s when I knew I had the power to eat super-hot food. Later that night, I went to bed without any argument and I couldn’t stop kicking my feet and snorting, thinking about all the ways I could use this badass power.

  Ted

  Ninja for one month

  Dad got me this new alarm clock so he doesn’t have to deal with me in the morning. He says he doesn’t want to go to work angry—I understand where he’s coming from. I was so excited that I set up the clock in my room to practice before Sunday night. I plugged the clock in and turned it over and there was this weird button on the back. I pressed it and the clock went crazy. The numbers started going lower and my hair was blown backwards. Then I looked at the clock and it read that it was twenty-three minutes ago. And I realized, right then, that I had the power to time travel. I experimented a little bit, even went back in time a couple minutes, but that got boring. So I put on a sweater and got ready to go into the future. But as I was ho
lding in the button to go forward, I looked down, and saw a little wrinkle form on my knuckle. So I slammed the back button real quick, because I knew I wasn’t ready for pubes or menopause or anything like that.

  Imagine if regular people had the power111 ninjas112 have.113

  Now, stop.114 NOW,115 continue116 thinking117 about118 how118 sweet119 ninjas120 are.121

  Ninja Fantasies

  Did You Know?

  When a ninja has sex, it’s not just a physical experience, it’s also emotional and spiritual.

  Even though ninjas have all these powers that most people don’t, they’re a lot like regular people, too. They have fantasies just like you and me! Don’t believe me? Then check out these fantasies, told by ninjas themselves:

  Ninja Fantasy One

  I’d be just sitting in school and the teacher would be like, “Learn this stuff, NOW.” But as she would point back at the chalkboard, there’d be some rumbling and shaking. Bricks would fall all over the place and a crazy spider monster would bust through the wall. The spider monster would look at everybody in the class and the kids would be screaming and hiding behind tables in the back of the room, except me. I’d still be sitting at my desk, trying to ignore all the commotion and finish my homework. Then the monster would pick me out of all those kids and say, “YOU,” and point right at me, “YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE!” And all the kids would be like, “Who is that guy?” Then I would look annoyed and start to float, and then I’d fly out the window, making the monster chase me and I’d save EVERYONE. Then, the next day, I’d come back to school, acting like nothing happened, and go to class, but I’d have a huge scar on my leg. And they’d be like, “Dude, who are you? What happened to your leg?” And I’d just look over at the girls and wink.

  Ninja Fantasy Two

  I’d be on this soccer team that’s losing. And everybody is laughing their asses off about how bad we are. I tell my team not to worry, because I’ve got something pretty sweet planned, and they’d say, “Dude, you gotta help us out. If we lose this game, we’re dead.” And then ten minutes before recess is over, I’d pull out this remote control from my backpack and press a button. Then a futuristic car would float down from the sky, and a robot in soccer shorts would jump out right before the car landed on several assholes. The robot would run onto the field and start playing, hard. It would shoot the ball from one goal post all the way into the enemy’s goal. Everybody’s mouths would drop open, except mine, because the robot belonged to me. Needless to say, we would win the game easily—by about a trillion-billion points. Everybody outside would run on the field to ask me questions, but I’d just be looking over at the robot and it would be looking at me. Then I’d push all the kids aside. And we would walk toward each other, slowly. Then, as the robot picked me up and held me in its arms, I’d look at the girls and wink.

  Ninja Fantasy Three

  I’d just be sitting out at the bus stop, and out of nowhere this black Cadillac would pull up and a super old man would have some toys in the back seat. “Your mother told me to give you a ride to school!” he’d say. So I would crawl in back seat, and he’d take me to a secret laboratory near the Earth’s core where he would give me the power to spit acid. Then he would drop me off at school and I’d say, “Thanks for the ride to school!” And we’d both laugh for a couple minutes. Then I’d slam the door, hard. And everybody would think that I got dropped off and none of that other stuff happened. Then, during lunchtime, a fire would break loose and kids would be running around, burning. I would then scream to all the lunch kids, “Yo, let’s go!” and everybody would follow to me to the gymnasium. But then, a bunch of bricks would fall near the exit and some kid would say, “Nice going.” But I would pretend I didn’t hear him. And then the girls would start screaming hard and I’d let them keep doing it for a little while, ’cause I’d like it at first. But after a couple minutes I’d be like, “Ladies, chill. I’ll get us out, today.” Then I would turn around and start spitting acid all over the wall near the basketball hoops and it would crumble, because of chemistry. Then the girls would get on my back and I’d run out of the building, saving them. And then I’d drag them back behind the soccer field and make love to them as the firemen rescued the rest of the kids.

  A Ninja Makes a Telephone Call

  Hot Babe: Hello.

  Ninja: Hey.

  Hot Babe: Oh, yeah.

  Ninja: Yeah?

  Hot Babe: Yeah.

  Ninja: You wanna?

  Hot Babe: Uh-huh.

  Ninja: Sweet.

  The Ninja’s Biggest Weakness: Super-Scary Ghost Stories

  Not only do ninjas have fantasies like you and me, they also get afraid, which is O.K., because sometimes they can’t help it. Their biggest weakness is super-scary ghost stories. And since my book is all about ninjas—the good and the bad—I must now give a few accounts of the ninjas’ most corpulent fear. I’m sorry. The first ghost story is about a strange noise. The second is about ghost monsters and what to make of them. And the third is about a UFO, a keg of beer, and a group of very mature hippos.

  The Gurgle

  Apparently, there was this ninja who was hanging out with some kid. They played basketball and ate dinner together. One day the kid was like, “Do you want to hear something that will mess up your life?”

  The ninja was like, “What are you talking about?”

  “A real live ghost story,” said the kid.

  “O.K.,” said the ninja.

  Then the kid began, “These two buddies were eating tacos together one night at a bar and it was raining really hard outside. They were just talking. Then all of a sudden, there was a noise, like a gurgle or squirt. The buddies were like, ‘What the heck is that?’ And guess what ... it happened again! They were both completely freaked out. One buddy couldn’t even finish his meal. They briefly looked around the bar for clues, but they never found out what it was. And both buddies went home scared to death.”

  After hearing the ghost story, the ninja was so scared that he grabbed the kid and spanked him until both parties squirted urine.

  The Playaz

  In some other state, there were some basketball players hanging out in the forest after a big game. One player said, “This forest reminds me of some scary stuff I heard.” And the other said, “What happened?” And he said, “Well, these two buddies, like you and I, were hanging out, just like now, and out of nowhere they heard something. But since they were big, like you and me, they didn’t get scared. Apparently, the noise was coming from behind an old door. Together, with their hands intertwined, the buddies slowly opened the door. Then BOOM! There was a grown up standing RIGHT THERE. Then it turned around and talked. But the buddies couldn’t understand a thing it said, because it had the voice of a teeny tiny baby! ‘Holy crap!’ said one buddy. ‘Frigg’n run!’ And they did.”

  After hearing the story, one basketball player said, “Wow!” Needless to say, a ninja over-heard the entire thing and got pretty scared/mad. The ninja didn’t understand the feelings inside him and went berserk. (This is common for ninjas.) In conclusion, the players were speechless when they got their asses beat.

  Le Big Party

  In some cave chalk full of hippos, there was this ninja. All the hippos gathered for a ghost story. The ninja began with a warning, “If any hippo here cannot handle this type of crap, I suggest you leave right now.” And some actually did. Then the ninja began. “Alright, listen. These kids were just goofing around once on the playground: sports and talking and stuff. Nobody wanted any trouble, even the bullies. Well, there was this crackle and everybody looked up. Something shiny. Then this UFO flopped on the soccer field. One kid was like, What the heck? And then its side door busted open, and fog creamed out. The assistant principle freaked out and tripped, spilling his guts on a picnic table. Nobody knew anything about anything. Then there was this rolling sound that got louder and louder and quieter and finally louder. Out of the UFO popped this giant can. It rolled past the soccer fi
eld and hit a pole. By the time the kids realized it was a keg of beer, the UFO zapped into space. Well, guess what, somebody brought a radio and turned it on loud. Then one kid grabbed Dixie cups from her duffel bag. Everybody went bananas in a good way and partied, hard. Little was understood that day, but, boy, did those kids party.”

  The ninja, having scared himself, beat his own ass in a paradoxical way. It was quite confusing for the hippos. But they were mature—they didn’t try to make sense out of nonsense. The hippos moved on, accepting those things they could not change and surrounding themselves with only positive energy. By not defining what happened that day or their relation to it, they never limited their understanding, and they never limited themselves.