The Verruca Bazooka

by Jonny Moon

  “Hey – where’s the heli-frisbee?” he asked.

  Moments later his question was answered as the remote-controlled flying machine flew into his back and knocked him to the ground.

  The girl burst out laughing, and turned to Jack. “Sorry about that’/ she said. “I am grateful, really. It’s just that I can handle myself. My name’s Ruby, by the way.”

  Jack politely introduced himself and Oscar, who was grumpily getting to his feet.

  “Nice to meet you” said Ruby, “now, any chance I can have a go on that skateboard?”

  CHAPTER THREE

  The boys exchanged a look and then turned back to Ruby. She frowned and looked down at herself.

  “Oh, it’s the tutu, isn’t it?” she sighed. “You think a girl in a tutu can’t be interested in a super-charged skateboard.”

  “Well yeah,” shrugged Jack. “Sort of.”

  Ruby laughed. “I’m only wearing this to make my mum think I’ve been to a ballet class” she explained.

  “And…you haven’t been to a ballet class?” asked Oscar, trying to keep up.

  “No way – ballet sucks” retorted Ruby. “I’ve been to the pool for high-diving class. I go every night at five. My coach thinks I could dive at the 2012 Olympics”

  “But your mum doesn’t know about the lessons?” asked Jack.

  “She’d freak. ‘Too dangerous’. But according to her doing just about anything is really dangerous”

  Oscar grinned. Ruby was speaking his kind of language.

  “Come on then, let’s get these rockets refilled” he suggested, “and we’ll give you a go.”

  Jack watched Oscar and Ruby heading back towards the hill and the ramp. He walked over to the crashed Frisbee.

  “Excuse me?” said a voice from somewhere behind him.

  Jack whirled round. There was no one in sight.

  “Who said that?” he asked.

  “In here,” said the voice again. It sounded slightly hollow and appeared to be coming from the new bin. Cautiously, Jack approached it.

  “Am I talking to a rubbish bin?”

  “My name is Bob” said the voice.

  “A bin called Bob?”

  “I’m Bob, I’m in the bin, but that’s enough about me, let’s talk about you. You are a hero!”

  Jack shook his head. “No, that’s not quite right.”

  “The female said so. Listen.”

  There was a pause and then a recording of Ruby’s voice emerged from the bin. “Aren’t you the hero?” There was a click and then the mysterious voice was back. “The squirrel recorded everything.”

  “What squirrel?” asked Jack, his head beginning to spin now with the weirdness of the situation.

  “Never mind that now. The point is we need heroes in GUNGE”

  Suddenly the penny dropped for Jack. This must be some kind of set-up for a TV programme! Any minute now hidden cameras would reveal themselves and some grinning buffoon of a children’s TV presenter would bound up and call him a good sport. And then…gunge him?!

  “Oh, no – you’re not sliming me. Not even if I do get to be on TV!” he exclaimed.

  “No, you don’t understand. I’m talking about GUNGE – the General Under-Committee for the Neutralisation of Gruesome Extraterrestrials,” explained Bob.

  “Extraterrestrials?”

  “Yes. Aliens”

  “You’re an alien?” asked Jack.

  “No. I work for GUNGE. We’re a government agency dedicated to protecting Earth from the alien threat”

  “What’s the alien threat?”

  “Invasion,” said Bob.

  “Ah.” Jack’s jaw dropped open. Alien invasion! This was bigger than any TV stunt, this was totally crazy. “I want you to join GUNGE” said Bob. “Come back when it gets dark, I’ll explain everything to you then.”

  “Sure. Whatever,” muttered Jack, convinced that this was either some kind of elaborate joke or the mutterings of a seriously deranged lunatic who’d got himself stuck in a bin. He gathered up the heli-frisbee and headed off back towards the hill.

  When he got there he found a small crowd of kids, who had gathered to watch Ruby make her first attempt. As he joined them Ruby set off from the top of the hill, an odd sight in her pink tutu and Oscar’s blow-up limb protectors. Unlike Oscar, Ruby shifted her balance on the board as she reached the ramp and her flight was more controlled. She hung in the air for a long moment and then landed perfectly, screeched to a halt and flicked the skateboard up with her heel and caught it one-handed.

  The crowd clapped. “Awesome!” said Oscar. He paused. “Now tell me how you did it.”

  Seeing the other kids all applauding his new friend, Jack felt a little jealous. How was it that other people got to be good at stuff? If only Bob the Bin was right – it would be great to be a hero for a change. There and then Jack made a decision – he would go back later and see what the mysterious Bob was on about. Maybe this could be his thing? Maybe this time he could be the adventurous one?

  Ruby made her way through the crowd to speak to Jack.

  “Hey, Oscar said you made this thing, right?” Jack nodded.

  “So how about adding a thrust engine to give more lift?”

  “Like a booster at launch?”

  “Yeah?” Ruby looked at him hopefully. Jack smiled. “Yeah – why not.”

  Later, after Jack had eaten his tea, he told his mum a little white lie. “I have to go and work on a project with Oscar,” he said. Mum just asked him not to be too late. Jack didn’t like lying to his Mum but he had this feeling that telling her he was going to meet a talking rubbish bin named Bob, to discuss a secret organisation for getting rid of aliens, might land him in a lot of trouble.

  When he reached the park it was already getting dark. The main gates were closed and chained up but Oscar had shown Jack a secret entrance. A little way along from the main gates a couple of the metal uprights in the fence were bent and a smallish child could squeeze through. Jack hurried through the now empty park to the place he had met Bob. In the moonlight the park was quite spooky.

  “Excellent” said the now familiar tones of Bob as he approached. “I am glad you came back. Now listen carefully, I have much to tell you.”

  Jack sat down on the nearby park bench and tried to get comfortable.

  Bob began by explaining that he was a member of a top secret agency dedicated to monitoring aliens and preventing alien invasion.

  “Codenamed GUNGE” Jack speculated.

  “Yes” replied Bob. “Now, there is another organisation known as GUNK—”

  “GUNK?”

  “The Galactic Union of Nasty Killer Aliens” explained Bob patiently.

  Jack leant forward, frowning. “But there’s no ‘A” in GUNK. So shouldn’t it be just ‘Galactic Union of Nasty Killer’?”

  “The A is silent,” Bob told him sharply. “And invisible. Like the K at the beginning of ‘banana’”

  “There is no K at the beginning of ‘banana’” retorted Jack.

  “Exactly” said Bob with satisfaction. “Now listen carefully and try not to interrupt. The thing is, the alien alliance known as GUNK use an…unusual energy source to power their technology. They use snot.”

  “Snot?”

  “Yes. Snot. It is renewable, it is completely carbon neutral, and it is clean. Well, cleanish.”

  “But—”

  “Please – no more interruptions.”

  “Sorry”

  Suddenly a bright light shot out of the bin and Jack was forced to close his eyes. When he opened them again he wasn’t in the park any more – he was in deep space!

  “What the—”

  “I said, no more interruptions!”

  Jack saw that the bin was floating next to him in space.

  “But I’m in space!” complained Jack. “How can I breathe?”

  “This is an illusion – a 4D hologram,” explained Bob. “I need to show you what we’re up against.”
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br />   Jack swallowed and tried to calm down. He wasn’t floating in space really, it was just an illusion – but it felt so real. He could see stars and distant planets. And a spaceship, gleaming silver in the starlight.

  As he watched, the ship drew nearer. It was pointy and menacing, with bulging weapon-bays.

  “That is a GUNK scout ship,” Bob told him. “Powered, of course, by snot. Ships like this one have been dispatched to every corner of the known universe on a mission to find human beings. You see, GUNK are starting to run out of their power source.”

  “They’re running out of snot?” asked Jack, as he floated next to the sleek-hulled spaceship.

  “Exactly. Now turn around.”

  Jack twisted, turning slowly in space as if he was underwater. He gasped. The ship was approaching a very familiar-looking planet.

  Earth!

  “Oh, no!” said Jack. “They’re coming here!”

  “Actually, this happened three weeks ago,” said Bob. “They’re already here. And if we don’t do anything, they’ll be taking our snot before you can say ‘alien adventure’.”

  Jack nodded. “So…you want to stop them stealing our snot?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why? I mean, I’m not that bothered about my snot. Oscar would be upset – he likes to eat his. But we don’t really need it, do we?”

  Bob sighed. “Unfortunately, it is a little worse than you imagine.”

  Suddenly, the ship and the earth disappeared, and Jack found himself floating over a dark, smoking planet. Then he was sucked down as the image zoomed in. Now he and the bin floated over a long line of unhappy-looking humans, queuing up in the grime and darkness to enter a massive building. Aliens with nasty-looking guns made sure that no one escaped.

  Passing through the walls like a ghost, Jack went inside and saw hundreds and hundreds of humans – men, women and children – all hooked up to massive snot-milking machines that were sucking the snot out of their noses as soon as it formed. From the expressions on their faces, it didn’t look at all pleasant.

  “They’re like cows being milked!” he exclaimed.

  “Well, yes, except instead of cows it’s people, and instead of milk it’s snot, and instead of udders it’s noses, but apart from that it’s a very similar process.”

  “It looks horrible.”

  “It is. But there is just one hope,” continued Bob.

  The illusion changed again and now Jack was looking at the scout ship again as it approached Earth. He passed through the walls and found himself inside the cabin, looking at the crew. There were four aliens, and it looked like they all came from different races – they were different sizes, and one had tentacles while another had a shell like a snail’s. One of them oozed noxious slime and one of them was even covered in tiny hands.

  “There are four alien races in GUNK,” confirmed Bob, “and although they have formed this union for the purposes of securing new sources of snot they don’t exactly get along.”

  Even without being able to hear a thing, Jack could see that the aliens were arguing with each other. Tentacles and arms were being waved around furiously and none of them seemed to be paying any attention to the control console where a red warning light was flashing.

  “Basically they don’t trust each other further than they can throw each other,” Bob explained. “There’s one representative from each race on each scout ship. Each one has one piece of the Blower – the trans-dimensional communicator they need to use to contact their home planets. It’s like a beacon. As soon as these aliens combine their pieces and activate the blower, GUNK will know that they have found a planet full of humans. And they will home in on the signal and commence their invasion.”

  “So have they sent that signal?” asked Jack, alarmed.

  “Not yet. The aliens were so busy with their petty argument that they missed a meteorite warning and their ship was damaged,” said Bob.

  Jack felt himself moving out of the scout-ship cabin and watched with a mixture of emotions as the ship was hit by a meteorite and span out of control towards the planet below.

  “When it hit Earth’s atmosphere the ship broke up,” Bob told him. “The four aliens have been separated, along with their pieces of the Blower. They need to find each other and piece together the Blower before they can call in the invasion forces. We know that they have landed close to this town, and we have already safely disposed of their ship. But the aliens went into hiding, and we need help finding them. That’s where you come in.”

  As quickly as the illusion had been created it ended and Jack was standing in the park again – talking to a bin.

  “With your local knowledge, your bravery and your gadgets you are the perfect agent to take on this vital task,” said Bob.

  “No way!” exclaimed Jack.

  “Yes way!” replied Bob. “Your mission is to find each alien, trap it and retrieve the portion of the Blower that they carry. Once we have all four pieces, we can be sure that they will be unable to call for assistance. And so GUNK will never know that we are here…”

  “Piece of cake,” said Jack, sarcastically.

  “Go home now, get some sleep and be prepared.”

  “But I can’t do this alone,” Jack complained, “I’ll need my friends, I’ll need help.”

  “Go now,” said Bob firmly, “I promise you – help will be with you soon.”

  CHAPTER FOUR

  When Jack woke the next morning the mysterious events in the park seemed strangely distant – like they’d happened to another person. Was it all some kind of weird dream? he thought. He looked over at his alarm clock. It said it was half past seven. On a Sunday! Why was he awake at that sort of hour on a Sunday?

  There was something scratching at the window. That’s what had woken him – the scratching sound. What was it? Remembering Bob’s dire warning, Jack had a sudden horrid thought – was the sound at the window an alien coming to milk his snot?

  Carefully Jack slipped out of his bed and approached the window. Should he just pull back the curtain or should he peek? Maybe it wasn’t an alien – maybe it was just Oscar. That was more likely.

  “Oscar? Is that you?” Jack called out, hopefully.

  There was no answer. Just the scratching, ever more frantic. Jack made a decision. If he was going to be a hero, if he was going to be an agent of GUNGE, he had to be brave. He reached out towards the curtain. As if sensing him coming closer whatever it was making the scratching noise suddenly stopped.

  No going back now, Jack decided, and with a flurry he pulled open the curtains. At first he thought there was no one there – certainly no Oscar – but then he looked down at the window sill and saw the strangest-looking dog he had ever seen. The windows in Jack’s room were the old-fashioned type which opened by sliding up and down so he quickly opened the window to let the dog – if it was a dog – in before it could fall. The creature bounded down into the room and leapt up onto his bed.

  “What are you?” wondered Jack out aloud.

  To his surprise the small furry creature answered him.

  “I am Snivel – your Snot-Bot.”

  “A what-bot?”

  “Snot-Bot. I am programmed to assist agents of GUNGE in dealing with alien invaders,” explained the creature.

  “Programmed?” repeated Jack. “You mean you’re a robot?”

  “Technically a canine-droid – a robot in the form of a dog,” explained the creature. “I am a perfect copy of an average canine from Planet Earth. Correct to the last detail.”

  “Except for the eyes,” Jack pointed out.

  The dog bounded across the room to examine his reflection in the wardrobe mirror.

  “Blue eyes are quite common among earth canines,” he insisted.

  “Yeah, that’s probably true, but most dogs only have two.”

  Snivel looked at his reflection. As well as the two eyes either side of his nose there was a third on his face, sitting above the nose.

  “M
y orders are to blend in and pretend to be your pet,” he told Jack. “Will the third eye be a problem?”

  Jack shook his head. “Mum’s hardly ever around – she works really long shifts at the hospital – and when she is here she’s too tired to notice much. But other people might. Can you keep that third eye shut without affecting the other two?”

  Snivel tried to do just that but only succeeded in going cross-eyed and falling over.

  “I may need to practise,” he confessed.

  Jack sat down on the bed and looked at his new pet. It was basically dog-like but somehow it was just a bit wrong. It looked a bit like a small terrier but one that had been made from spare parts. Its paws looked just a bit too big for its legs, its tail was just a bit too short, its ears just a bit too far apart. Nevertheless there was something rather appealing about it. As Jack watched, Snivel kept trying to close his third eye.

  Every time he did it he fell over.

  “Don’t worry about it now,” Jack told him kindly. “It won’t be a problem when you’re with me and my friends.”

  Snivel came over and sat on Jack’s lap.

  “Bob said something about trapping these aliens. How do I do that then?” Jack asked his new assistant.

  “I can transform my shape to make a trap,” explained Snivel. “All you have to do is say, ‘Activate Snivel Trap.’ Your voice wave patterns have already been programmed into my circuits.”

  Jack cleared his throat. This he had to see. “Activate Snivel Trap,” he said. Before his astonished eyes, Snivel stood bolt upright and changed shape, turning into a flat-sided box with an open lid. As soon as he had stopped transforming the two lid flaps flipped shut with a resounding clunk. After a moment Snivel snapped back to his usual shape.

  “Multi-functionality,” he said proudly. “I help you sniff out the aliens and then I turn into the trap to hold them. Only snag is the alien has to be right on top of me when you give the command.”

  Jack was amazed. Oscar had to see this. He looked down at the Snot-Bot.

  “I need my friend Oscar in on this,” he told the robot-dog. “Is that allowed?”