The Verruca Bazooka

by Jonny Moon

  “Secrecy is important,” said Snivel, “but you may involve trusted associates at your discretion.”

  “Don’t worry – Oscar’s very discreet,” said Jack, crossing his fingers behind his back. “Let’s go find him.”

  Half an hour later, after a quick breakfast, Jack was introducing Oscar to Snivel. Having had some time to get used to the idea of a three-eyed robotic pet/alien-trap Jack was able to enjoy the look of complete disbelief on Oscar’s face.

  For a moment it looked as if Oscar might never close his mouth. He just stood there looking at the robotic dog with his jaw hanging open.

  “What’s the matter, Oscar? Have you never seen a canine-droid before?”

  “Awesome,” muttered Oscar finally.

  Jack decided to call the meeting to order. He had already explained everything that Bob had told him last night and everything that Snivel had told him this morning. Now was the time for action. They needed to track down these aliens before they had a chance to find each other and put together the Blower.

  Snivel touched his nose and a beam of light shot out from his third eye, forming a 3-D hologram that hung in the air. The hologram showed an image of an alien. It looked like a mutant offspring of an octopus and a jellyfish – with a bloated head like a balloon filled with snot, and countless tentacles all covered with sucker plates. Five eyes stuck into the air on stalks. They wobbled in the breeze.

  “This is a Squillibloat,” announced Snivel.

  “One of the four aliens that were on board the rocket which crash landed here. We believe he has the main chip for the Blower, and so he is the priority-one target. We must catch him soon, before he can find his friends, or they find him.”

  “‘And how are we supposed to find him first?” asked Jack.

  Oscar snorted. “Something that ugly won’t be hard to find.” them. “It has a disguise unit that will help it blend in. It will look like a human. Roughly, anyway. But the disguise unit is very energy inefficient – it will need constant fuelling with human snot.”

  “So…the alien will be somewhere where there are lots of people around?” said Jack.

  “Yes. And we can narrow it down further. He will seek out a habitat similar to his home planet,” said Snivel. “He comes from an ocean-covered planet and loves warm water. He feeds on algae and fungus.”

  Jack and Oscar considered for a moment. Then they both looked at each other. Lots of people, water, algae…

  “The pond at the park!” they said in unison.

  Twenty minutes later the two boys were in the park. The pond was at the bottom of the hill on the opposite side from the ornamental gardens. As they approached they saw a figure close to the pond, using an old-fashioned rake to scrape the fallen leaves into a pile.

  Jack turned to Snivel. “Could that be him?”

  Snivel shrugged, which is hard to do in a dog’s body. “Impossible to say at this distance.”

  “He’s hanging around the pond,” reasoned Oscar, “and he’s got a constant supply of people visiting the park…”

  Yes, the more they looked, the more this man with his rake seemed suspicious.

  “I mean, why does he need to put the leaves in a pile anyway?” said Oscar. “He’s obviously faking.”

  Jack looked around for something they could use. He spotted a net rolled up at the side of the tennis courts. Perfect. Quickly, he outlined a plan to Oscar and Snivel.

  Snivel went bounding off, running directly into the pile of leaves that the mysterious stranger was raking. The man – or alien – gave out an angry roar and began chasing after the dog. His mouth hung open and he drooled a little with the effort of running.

  Definitely looks like an alien, thought Jack. This GUNGE agent stuff is easy!

  Snivel was too fast for the alien-man-thing, though, and hurried back the way he came. The man followed and ran straight into the net which Oscar and Jack had stretched across the path. Quickly they ran rings around the man, wrapping him tightly until they ran out of net. The creature – now tightly bound by netting – fell over.

  Carefully Oscar, Jack and Snivel approached the prone figure.

  “What do you hooligans think you’re doing?” it spluttered furiously. “I’m the council park-keeper assigned to this recreation facility and you are both in serious trouble.”

  Jack ignored the man and looked to Snivel. “Can you scan him?”

  The dog nodded and a moment later shook his head. “Not alien,” he announced.

  “Not alien?” repeated the man, who was unable to see Snivel from his position lying on the ground and had assumed that it was one of the boys speaking. “Of course I’m not alien. I come from Lincoln.”

  Oscar and Jack exchanged quick looks. “Leg it,” suggested Oscar. Jack nodded. They ran.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  After the excitement at the park the rest of Sunday went rapidly downhill for Jack. He and Oscar had run for their lives, with Snivel at their heels, and then they had gone to Oscar’s house to get a sandwich.

  Back at the tree house, they spent a long time studying a local map, looking for other watery locations that might be appealing to the Squillibloat. The best they could come up with was the canal that ran through the town but, as Snivel pointed out, that was likely to be cold water rather than warm.

  “Why didn’t you mention that before we rushed off to the pond in the park?” complained Jack. “That water’s not exactly toasty either!”

  “Hey, I’m not perfect you know,” replied Snivel in a hurt voice. Jack looked at him. His third eye blinked, and one of his ears was sticking up at an unusual angle.

  “Well,” said Jack. “You’re right about that.”

  Snivel went back to trying – and failing – to close his third eye.

  The boys decided to sleep on the problem and both went home. When Jack opened the door his mother called out from the kitchen. “Jack – come here please.” Jack knew that tone of voice.

  When Mum used that tone of voice, you were in real trouble.

  “Quick – go up to my room,” he whispered to Snivel and then headed for the kitchen. Mum looked at him and shook her head sadly. This was bad. She was still dressed in her nurse’s uniform and Jack realised with horror that she was back from work early.

  “I got a visit at work,” she began, “from the police. They’d had a complaint from a park-keeper about two boys attacking him.”

  Jack swallowed hard. This was not going anywhere good.

  Mum produced something from her bag – it was the hard-hat. Inside he could see the legend ‘Property of Jack Brady’ written with permanent marker. For a split second Jack considered telling his mum the truth but then he came to his senses. Instead he muttered something about it being a game that had got out of hand.

  “You’re lucky,” his mum told him. “The park-keeper is not going to press charges but you’re not getting off scot-free. You, young man, are Grounded!”

  Oh, no. When Mum pronounced words with capital letters at the start, you were in real, real trouble.

  Jack glanced up at her face and tried to look sheepish. Mum was adamant though. And there was more. “Where’s the dog?” she asked. “The park-keeper said you had a dog with you, and I know it’s not Oscar’s. His mum told me he can’t have pets, because his dad’s allergic.”

  “I don’t have a dog, Mum,” Jack lied.

  Just then, there was a snuffling sound from somewhere at their feet. Jack and his mum both looked towards the source of the sound. It was Snivel, half in and half out of the kitchen bin. In his mouth – a snotty tissue. Snivel realised that he had been spotted and stopped moving. Slowly the bin toppled over, depositing the Snot-Bot, some vegetable peelings and the left-overs from last night’s Chinese take-away all over the kitchen floor.

  Jack sent Snivel to his room and helped his mum clear up the mess.

  “I found him on the streets. I think he’s been abandoned,” Jack told her. “Can’t we keep him?”

&nbs
p; Mum sighed. “We’ll put an ad in the paper. It must have some owners somewhere…Oh Jack, your father would be so disappointed in you.”

  Jack said nothing. Mum didn’t mention his father very often. His dad had left home when he was very little. The exact reason for him going was never very clear but it had something to do with getting a job in a toilet paper factory in Sweden. Jack hadn’t seen his dad for over five years. As far as Jack was concerned if there was any disappointing being done it was by his dad not him!

  With the mess cleared up Jack made it back to his room. “What were you doing?” he asked Snivel. “I told you to come here, not go to the kitchen.”

  “I needed that tissue,” explained Snivel. “I run on snot.”

  Jack took a step back, nervously. “I thought it was alien technology that ran on snot.”

  “Ah. Well, yes, that’s true. The thing is, the aliens are a bit more advanced than we are when it comes to robotics. GUNGE salvaged some parts from a GUNK rocket that crash-landed on Mars. And I’m the result! But don’t worry – I’ve been completely re-programmed. I don’t have any urges to enslave humankind any more.”

  “Um…OK,” said Jack. “So…you eat snot?”

  Snivel wagged his tail (he got it slightly wrong: dogs are supposed to wag their tails from side to side, not up and down). “Yes. It’s delicious.”

  Jack wrinkled his face in disgust. Snivel’s ears pricked up.

  “Are you about to sneeze? If you could just lean over and direct it at me…”

  Monday morning was grey and bleak. Well, it was for Jack. In reality it was a lovely sunny autumnal day, with a crisp cool wind scattering the red and brown fallen leaves from the trees that lined the road to school. For Jack though, after the excitement of the weekend, it was back to normal with a bump.

  The school day dragged on in what felt like slow motion. Finally it was time to go home. Still feeling miserable, Jack headed for his house. Grounded! With a capital G! It was so unfair. Knowing that he wouldn’t be allowed out again once he got home Jack deliberately dawdled and took the long route home.

  “Hey, Jack,” someone shouted, cutting into his bleak mood. He looked up and saw someone wearing a ball-gown walking towards him.

  It was Ruby. “Ballroom dancing lessons,” she explained with a wink, “at least that’s what Mum thinks. Of course I’m really going to the pool. But not to dive…that’s boring.”

  Jack wondered how anyone could speak so fast without stopping to breathe.

  “You know the pool’s got this awesome new wave machine, so now they’re doing surfing. They have boards there, and everything, so you don’t even need your own. I mean, obviously, because, you know, if I had a surfboard on me you’d see it, wouldn’t you?”

  She stopped and it seemed that Jack was required to contribute something to the conversation.

  “Right,” he said, keeping it simple.

  “Have you ever tried surfing?” she asked excitedly.

  “No,” he replied with a heavy sigh.

  Ruby bristled. “Well, pardon me for existing. I can see you’ve better things to do than talk to me…” She pushed past Jack and hurried off down the street. Jack turned and watched her. What did I do wrong there? He shook his head and made his way home.

  A little bit later the encounter with Ruby was still running through Jack’s head. He was meant to be doing his homework but with Snivel’s computer brain at his disposal he had finished that in record time. Now he was thinking about the Squillibloat again. He looked at the map and absent-mindedly traced his route home from school to the point where he’d run into Ruby. Who’d talked to him about…

  A wave machine.

  Surfing.

  THE SWIMMING POOL!

  Of course, lots of people, warm water, it was the obvious place for the alien to be. Quickly he told Snivel his theory. After he had explained exactly what a swimming pool was, the Snot-Bot agreed that it was a likely location. They had to get there as soon as possible.

  There was just one problem.

  He was Grounded.

  With a capital G.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Jack looked at the drainpipe outside his window and then down at the ground. It seemed an awfully long way away. Oscar was always telling him to use it to get out but then Oscar seemed to enjoy falling off things. Jack didn’t mind the idea of falling off things – he just didn’t like the notion of hitting the ground afterwards.

  “Jump!” Snivel encouraged him.

  “I was thinking about climbing down the drainpipe, not jumping!” replied Jack. “I don’t want to break my legs.” His mum was watching TV downstairs, so there was no way he could go out the front door.

  “Sorry – I forget how fragile you humans are,” said Snivel before leaping right out of the window past Jack, somersaulting in the air and then landing with bent knees on the lawn.

  “Come on then,” he called up at his human ‘owner’.

  Not quite believing what he was doing Jack climbed out of his bedroom window and grabbed hold of the drainpipe. It was an old metallic pipe, quite wide and solid. Slowly, with his eyes shut, Jack edged down while Snivel called out what were probably meant to be words of encouragement.

  “Come on! The Ning-Nongs of Bute 3 would have been down that drainpipe in a matter of seconds,” Snivel told him. “Of course the Ning-Nongs have sixteen arms and a sticky belly but that’s beside the point.”

  Finally Jack made it to solid ground. He felt really proud. He had conquered his fear. Sadly, his only witness was an alien canine-droid. Jack hurried to fetch Oscar and tell him his theory. Oscar listened carefully and agreed that the swimming pool was an obvious place to find the Squillibloat.

  “You know I’ve had to get my head around a lot of weird stuff this last couple of days,” Oscar told Jack as they set off, “but I can’t believe you actually came down the drainpipe!”

  Jack sighed.

  Snivel told them what they should be looking for at the pool. “Keep your eyes peeled for someone a bit odd, someone who doesn’t eat human food but loves fungus and doesn’t get too far away from the water,” he advised.

  Jack and Oscar assured him that they understood. They turned a corner and almost ran directly into Ruby. She was still wearing the ballroom dress.

  “Oh, it’s you,” she said, a bit snootily. “I didn’t know you had a dog.”

  “His name’s Snivel,” said Oscar, trying to be friendly.

  “It’s got three eyes,” she said, suspiciously.

  “I thought you were going to the pool?” asked Jack, changing the subject.

  “It was closed earlier for cleaning but it should be open again now. I’m on my way to surf practice.”

  “We’re going there too,” Oscar told her, unaware of Jack vigorously shaking his head behind Ruby’s back.

  “I’ll come with you,” she said, smiling.

  “No, don’t worry,” Jack told her. “In fact I wouldn’t bother to go. I heard on the radio that it was still closed.”

  Jack, Oscar and Snivel hurried off, taking the nearby alley which was sign-posted ‘Swimming Pool’.

  Ruby, hands on her hips, eyes narrowed, watched them go. If the pool’s really closed then why are they going there?

  At the pool there was a public gallery where parents who didn’t want to swim could sit and watch their children splashing about in safety. The parents knew their kids were safe because there was a lifeguard on duty, sitting on a tall chair overlooking the pool.

  Hiding Snivel in a sports bag, Jack and Oscar paid for two gallery tickets and took up positions on the benches to check out the pool. It was quiet with not too many people in at the moment. Most of the swimmers looked to be kids. One girl strayed into the deep end and began to flounder, splashing around. The lifeguard got to his feet and went to help her.

  Jack nudged Oscar. “Look – the lifeguard.”

  Oscar looked. He drew in a breath.

  There was definitely something od
d about the man. Usually, lifeguards were quite fit, young people but this one looked a bit…bulgy. He was wearing a one-piece wetsuit but it jutted out strangely in all sorts of places, making him look like a plastic bag jammed full of rubber balls.

  Jack pulled a pair of binoculars from his bag and took a closer look. He focused in. As the lifeguard lifted the girl out of the water something strange happened. A snake like tentacle appeared out of his sleeve, just for a moment, and licked the girl’s foot.

  Jack told Oscar what he had just seen and passed him the binoculars. Over the next ten minutes they watched the same scenario play out again and again. The lifeguard was the alien they were looking for. And it was eating people’s veruccas!

  Snivel took a look too and confirmed their theory. “See that weird necklace he’s wearing?” he asked. The boys hadn’t really noticed it before but the lifequard-alien-thing did have something glowing around his neck. “That’s his bit of the Blower!”

  Jack looked around. Too many people around to do anything now.

  “There’s no way he can stray too far from the water,” Snivel told them. “He’ll have to be here all night.”

  “Then we’ll have to come back later,” announced Jack. “Don’t worry – I have a plan!”

  They got up to go. As they shuffled towards the exit they could see Ruby – now in a bathing suit – starting her surfing lesson. Oscar gave her a friendly wave but she turned her head away and ignored him.

  “Girls,” commented Jack, shaking his head. “I reckon aliens are easier to understand than girls!

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Jack explained his plan on the way back to the tree house. Oscar and Snivel listened carefully.

  “The key is the verrucas,” he explained. “The Squillibloat needs them. So that’s his weakness.”

  “We need a verruca bazooka!” joked Oscar, pleased with his rhyme.

  “That’ll be us – the ultimate weapon against the Squillibloat,” said Jack determinedly, “and this is how we’ll do it…”

  At the tree house they collected the materials and gadgets they needed for Jack’s plan. Then they made their way back to the swimming pool. It was nearly closing time but they told the woman on reception that they’d left something in the changing room earlier and they were allowed to go back in. Inside, they left Snivel hidden in the changing room and then left the building along with all the other swimmers. No one paid them any special attention – except for one pair of eyes.