Still Human jh-2

by Kerry Heavens

  “He only wants what is best for you.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it with you either.” I warn.

  “Darling, there is only one person you should talk to about it and you know that,” she says, reaching for my hand. I don’t offer it. “I was up there earlier, looking for you, he called and left a message. He sounds desperate. Maybe you should hear him out.”

  “He calls about three times an hour,” I say. “I don’t think I can take much more."

  “Then tell him to stop.”

  “I can’t answer,” I admit quietly. “I don’t trust myself.”

  “You don’t trust yourself?

  “I’m too vulnerable, I can’t give him an inch, he’ll be able to walk all over me.”

  “Maybe he won’t. Have you looked at your emails yet? He was asking you to look at them. Maybe he has explained himself,” she says gently.

  I shake my head.

  “But you want to?”

  I slowly nod. “God, I’m so weak.” I sigh, dropping my face into my hands.

  “Right, I’m coming up with you, we are going to do this right now, no more hiding. I’ll hold your hand.” She says with purpose, getting to her feet.

  “Where are we going?” Max asks, back down to help me.

  “Liv and I are going upstairs for a little girl time.” She winks at me.

  I subtly brush a single tear from my cheek as I slide to the edge of the seat. I allow Max to help me stand, but then insist on getting myself up the stairs.

  Once on the sofa, I settle myself in and Max brings us coffees. Then he makes his excuses and leaves us to it.

  “I don’t think I can do this,” I admit to Connie.

  “You have to, or he will never leave you alone. At least you can hear what he has to say without actually talking to him.”

  I lean forward and pull his computer over so that it’s hovering over my lap. I’ve seen him switch it on before, so I reach behind and feel for the button. The screen comes on and, while I wait, I feel sick. The desktop appears and I wait for everything to load up. The email icon shows 348 messages. Hopefully not all from Danny. I click it. Scrolling through the messages, the first few are irrelevant. So I search for his name in the bar at the top. A new list appears and there are several. I scroll down to the first unread one and, with a deep breath, I open it. Connie holds my hand.

  28th May 2012

  Liv,

  Please call me. I need to talk to you.

  28th May 2012

  Nothing happened I swear, please talk to me, we can straighten this out.

  D x

  28th May 2012

  Dear Liv,

  I really didn't want to do this by email, but you're leaving me no choice. I have to explain.

  It has been over a week since you left. I’m sorry that I’m only just trying to contact you. I’m sorry I didn’t chase you…I’m just sorry. I thought you left because you didn’t love me. I was devastated. I realise now why you left and, although I wish you thought more of me, I know that you not trusting me is totally my fault. I want to tell you what really happened that night. I know you don’t want to hear me out and that you have already decided for yourself what happened, but I have to try.

  After I took you to your sister’s place, I finished packing and ran a few errands. I felt like you were still punishing me for not being honest with you about Brooke. But I knew once we got home to the UK we could put it behind us. I hated the idea of meeting you at the party, but I agreed because I wanted you to spend some time with your family before we left.

  After I finished up, I took a shower. When I came out of the bathroom, Brooke was lying on my bed in nothing but her underwear and some slutty heels. It turns out, she stole a spare key that day she came by and cried on my doorstep. She had every intention of using it to try and seduce me or break us up, or something. Fuck knows what goes on in that girl’s head.

  I freaked. I told her to get out. We yelled at each other back and forth, and I threatened to call the cops and report her for breaking and entering. I even dialled the number. In the end, though, I managed to get her out the door and I told her if she didn’t leave us alone I would report her to the cops and the school board and she would lose her job.

  After she left, the first thing I did was call you. I promised to be completely honest, so I didn’t hesitate in calling you to tell you what had just happened. You didn’t pick up though and I haven’t heard your voice since.

  When I couldn’t reach you, I went to the party as planned, but you didn’t show up. I was frantic with worry at first. But then Grace called to say they found your note. I was devastated, I thought, well it’s not important what I thought. It was all self-pity. But I was wrong. You didn’t leave because of how you felt about me. You left because you thought I cheated on you. I completely understand.

  But I’m going to make you trust me again. Nothing happened with Brooke. I don’t know what you saw, but I do know you didn’t see me do anything wrong because I didn’t. I would never do anything to jeopardise what I have with you. I want to grow old with you.

  I love you with all of my heart and I hope you still love me.

  Please call me so that we can talk about this.

  Danny x

  Silent tears are running down my face when I look up at Connie. She pulls a tissue from the box on the side table and hands it to me. I wipe my eyes and sit staring into nothingness. How can I believe him?

  “What do you think, darling?” Connie utters beside me.

  I shrug and shake my head, there are no words, I’m utterly empty.

  I glance back at the screen. He sent it the day of the accident.

  “He seems sincere.” She offers. “There are more, are you going to open them?”

  I click on the next one.

  28th May 2012

  Liv,

  Please, talk to me. You’re not answering my calls. I know you’re hurt but we have to talk about this.

  I miss you.

  Danny. x

  Then I click on the next one.

  30th May 2012

  I can’t stand not hearing your voice. Please pick up. I love you x

  30th May 2012

  I think about you every minute of every day. I should be with you, this is killing me. Please talk to me. X

  30th May 2012

  Liv,

  I wish you had confronted me that day, you would have seen that I had nothing to hide and we would be together right now. Instead, we are apart and I can’t get through to you. You’re hurting and there is nothing I can do to make it better. Please, give me the chance to try. I know I can make you happy.

  Danny x

  “I need to lie down,” I say, making a start on standing up. There are more, at least one for each day since, but probably more. I expect they all say the same thing, but I’ve heard enough.

  Connie bolts up and pulls the computer out of the way, while I get my crutches organised. Slowly I hop to the bedroom.

  Connie follows me in and sets my coffee down on the bedside table. She hands me the phones. I sigh, they are like a millstone around my neck. She sits on the edge of my bed and strokes my forehead.

  “Do you want me to stay with you?” she asks. I shake my head. “Well call one of us if you need anything and don’t forget your tablets.”

  “Okay,” I mutter. She leaves me alone and I just stare at the ceiling.

  Danny's words spin around my head. I just can't deal with any of this right now. If he knew what had happened to me he might give me a break. But the chances are he would use my vulnerability against me. Why is he pursuing me this hard now, after I meant so little to him that he would cheat on me? The image of them together in my dream comes into my mind and I sob. I’m so glad I didn't see it for real, the knowledge is painful enough.

  When Max came up to see how I was later, he found me in the dark and in pain because I’d forgotten my medication. Once that pain takes hold, or gets ahead of you as
the doctor termed it, it’s really hard to get back on top of it. Max forced me out of bed and sorted me out then, while I was waiting for the medication to kick in, he distracted me from the pain by making me talk. At first I didn’t want to talk about it, I was still angry that he seemed to have spoken to Danny and was convinced he had fallen for the lies. But since reading Danny’s emails, all of them... I succumbed and finished reading them...I haven’t felt so, so…Oh, let’s face it, I’ve softened. This is the reason I was so determined not to hear him out.

  Chapter Six

  Liv

  Let’s get a few things straight shall we?

  Mum came home from LA on Sunday night and after spending Monday at home doing her washing, she came to see me on Tuesday. After sitting with her and Connie for a morning, I felt so claustrophobic. Not because I don’t love them both, I really do, but I had severe cabin fever. So when Mum suggested that I come back to Brighton with her for a few days, I jumped at the chance. I switched off my answer machine and left my laptop behind. I did take my phone at Max’s insistence, but kept it on silent. I guess Max must have told Danny I went away, because he didn’t bother me. There were no emails and only two missed calls.

  I went through it all again with Mum. She confessed that she went round to see Danny to have it out with him, but he wasn’t home. She tried a couple of times but had no luck. She was sympathetic to my point of view, but I could just tell that she thought exactly the same as Max and Connie. In the end, I refused to talk about it anymore. I had a quiet, relaxing couple of days, sat in Mum’s garden mostly. She pushed me along the seafront and we drank coffee and window shopped. If I wasn’t a desperately sad singleton, recovering from the loss of the love of my life and my independence, I would have thoroughly enjoyed myself.

  Mum dropped me home this morning and, as if he were telepathic, Danny emailed me first thing. I ignored it for as long as I could. I had coffee with Connie, brunch with Max and then I sat downstairs for as long as possible, but the Friday lunch rush was a bit busier than normal and I had to vacate my booth. Max stowed me upstairs again in my prison, but then he had to go as they needed him downstairs. I put on a film to distract me, I tapped and I pondered, but in the end I had to read the email. He is getting under my skin and it’s infuriating.

  8th June

  Dear Liv,

  I forced myself not to email you for a couple of days. I felt like you needed a break, but it was hard. I miss you.

  Life isn’t the same without you. I miss your smile, your voice, your beautiful face, your touch, the fun we have, the way you make me feel. I miss everything about you.

  I have so many plans for the future and they all involve us being together. I was packed and ready to be with you, do you really think I would risk all that for some final fling? Never. As long as I live I will never want anyone else. It has always been that way. Why do you think I’ve never settled down?

  Losing you before was the worst experience of my life and now I'm living it all over again. Except this time I'm not quitting. I love you too much.

  I don’t expect you to reply, but when you are ready I will be here.

  I love you xxx

  Okay, there is nothing new there, but each time he finds a new and believable way to say it. He hasn't over explained it either, he told me what happened once and hasn’t kept going over it. Every other email is just about his feelings. You might say that if he was guilty, he would keep explaining himself. I can't deny that I’m starting to think that there is more to this than I wanted to believe.

  Max still hasn’t told me what was said, or who instigated their contact. But it’s clear that he’s willing to give Danny the benefit of the doubt and, despite my determination, I can see why. Max has made some compelling points in Danny’s favour and I would have to agree with each of them. However, I refuse to overlook some of my own points and this maintains my state of anger and devastation. First and foremost, Danny bought that bitch jewellery, so no matter what he says about the events of that night, something was still going on between them. When I mentioned this to Max, he seemed to want to argue, but didn’t have anything. How can you argue with the facts? He quickly stopped trying. Then, the fact that Connie asked him to look me up in the first place is a huge issue, because it means that he never would have done so of his own accord.

  Those things plus the image of her undressing for him will never go from my head, so I don’t see how, or indeed why, I should get past it. His explanations don’t make any difference to whether I trust him or not. I check my watch. 15:45, it should be quieter now, I text Max, hoping he can break this perpetual thought cycle.

  ‘Save me from myself! X

  I drum my fingers waiting for a response, but strangely I hear nothing. Since I fell, he has been hiding in the shadows the whole time, so it’s strange that he is unavailable. I suppose as it’s Friday afternoon, one of the first really nice ones, he’s busy downstairs. I should be down there too, maybe I could get myself down the stairs and find out how things are. My phone lights up beside me, at last! I look at the screen, but it’s not Max, it’s Danny.

  1 Facebook Notification From Danny Morgan.

  Hi,

  How are you? I’m trying Facebook, in the hope that you might be online too. It might be easier to talk, if we don’t actually talk, what do you think? I know this is really hard and I wish I was with you.

  Since I figured out why you left I’ve had to fight myself at every turn, my gut instinct was to come straight to you. But I was persuaded to make contact first. I know that having me around isn't currently what you want, but you know it's what I want and I feel so helpless away from you. It's hard to make you see that I’m telling the truth, when we're not face to face.

  I wish you would give me a chance. There is so much to discuss.

  We should be together, we should have always been together. I never should have left you twelve years ago.

  I wanted to stay with you, but you pushed me to go. You said it was best for both of us, but I didn't think it was best for me. The day you told me I should go, I was going to ask you if we could find a way that I could stay. I thought we could get a flat or something. I was going to tell my parents I wasn't leaving you and that they would just need to accept it. But you wouldn't let me speak, you had all these reasons why me leaving was going to do us good in the end. I thought you wanted a fresh start and that it meant that you didn't love me as much as I loved you. I hurt so badly after that, that I just went quietly.

  Maybe you thought it was what I wanted, because I said nothing to make you think otherwise. In the end, I didn’t have the confidence to fight for what I wanted and neither did you. But now that I’ve had you in my life again, I will never stop fighting. We are meant to be together and I know this is hurting you, but it's just a glitch.

  I know you trust me, you think you don't, but that's just a reaction. You know it too, it's not me you don't trust, it's yourself. Please let me back in. We have wasted too much of our lives apart.

  I love you.

  Talk to you soon x

  This message leaves me with a flood of emotions, but I quickly push most of them down and settle on boiling mad. How dare he? Who does he think he is? Telling me I trust him, but not myself. Quite the opposite. I will never trust him again, or possibly anyone else. Oh and this is just a glitch is it? I would hate to think what would have to happen for him to think things had really gone wrong. Deep down, I know I’m only focusing on the easy-to-target bits of his argument, but it’s better this way. I can’t over analyse the fact that he’s directly addressed all of my insecurities about why he didn’t try harder to be with me before.

  Fucking Max! Obviously he’s been running his mouth off and now Danny is playing on all my weaknesses. Well I may be vulnerable at the moment, but only emotionally as far as he knows. He doesn’t know that I’m incapacitated, Max has promised me faithfully he won’t tell him. If he did, I wouldn’t stand a chance. But I’m not going to let
him take advantage of me in any way. He has blown it and he can’t use insider knowledge to get round me, I’m not buying it. Holding onto my rage, I wait for the laptop to start and when it does, I launch straight in to my rant.

  ‘Let’s get a few things straight shall we?

  Firstly, it’s all very well telling me what you think I want to hear about the past, but it’s just that, the past. In my opinion, you did give up too easily. I looked into going to college in LA so that I could be with you, I would have followed you to the end of the earth, but when you put up no fight whatsoever, I knew that you didn’t want that and I let it go. You say that I pushed you away, but I was just supporting you in what you seemed to want to do. I was prepared to do something totally life changing for you, something real. So you can’t just paint a picture of how neither one of us was prepared to fight for what we wanted, I applied to UCLA Arts for fuck’s sake. Behind my parent’s back. I got an interview. What did you do? NOTHING!

  Then you come waltzing back into my life, being all wonderful. But it wasn’t planned though was it? You wouldn’t have thought of it yourself, would you? No. Connie asked you to do it. Yeah, Danny, I know about that. I feel so fucking special now, let me tell you. The fact is, you never would have thought of me again if you hadn’t had the idea handed to you and I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. But I see through you now.

  You claim that what we had meant too much to you to risk on a final fling. Well that’s bollocks. Whatever you say happened that night, I know one thing for sure, you bought jewellery for that woman, so don’t pretend nothing was going on.

  Who the fuck do you think you are? Telling me who I trust. I don’t trust you, or anything you say.

  Please leave me alone.’

  I’m shaking with anger by the time I finish writing and I hit send before I decide to edit it. I feel sick. I take a few deep breaths, I can’t throw up, I couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough. I just have to hold it together. I rub my forehead and cover my eyes with my trembling hand. My mobile signals a text, but I can’t look. I just sit and survive for a minute. Then the text signal sounds again, a reminder this time.