Still Human jh-2

by Kerry Heavens

  “Okay!” I bark at my innocent phone. Then I’m relieved to see it’s just Max.

  ‘Sorry, really busy down here, be up soon x’

  Shit, I have to be by myself for a while longer. This is torture. I want to be behind my bar, where I belong. Busy, occupied, surrounded by noise and friends and, most importantly, feeling powerful. Not prisoner to my flat, stuck with nothing but a stalking ex for company. The laptop signals another Facebook message. Of course…I read it.

  ‘I’ll leave you alone if that’s really what you want, but there are a couple of things you have to know.

  Connie may have put the suggestion out there that day, but I’m so glad she did. I wouldn’t have contacted you, but not because I didn’t want to, because I thought I was respecting your wishes. She made me think that maybe you would want to hear from me and that was all I needed.

  As for what I was or wasn’t prepared to do to fight for us in the past…you’ll never know the lengths I went to.’

  For fuck’s sake, what does that mean? I feel panicked, like I’ve hurt him, or pushed him too far. Why should I care? I squash my concerns into the background and focus on the anger.

  If you did something, went to some significant ‘lengths’ that would change my opinion of you, now is the time to speak up, sunshine. Otherwise, it’s just words. I start to write this as my reply, when Max appears at the door. Quickly, I delete it. What is the point? If I respond, it leaves the conversation open. He said he will leave me alone, maybe I should just let it go.

  “You alright?” asks Max. It’s as if he knows words have been exchanged.

  “Not really.” I sigh.

  “What’s happened now?”

  “Oh, I don’t want to bore you with the details.”

  “No, come on, it’s what I’m here for,” he says sweetly.

  "I just had a bit of a run-in with Danny on Facebook. Apparently, I trust him, it's myself I don't trust. Can you believe the nerve?" Max swallows hard and looks terrified. After an awkward silence, I know he agrees with him. This is going to end in an argument.

  "Don't hate me," he says cautiously, "but maybe he’s right."

  I stay calm. Max just stares. He's brave, I'll give him that, I'm not in the most reasonable frame of mind at the moment. I watch him for a while, shakily holding his ground and it occurs to me that although he’s not taking sides as such, he has all the information. He’s heard both sides in full and, try as he might to be completely behind me, he can't help but sympathise with Danny.

  "You think I should trust him?" I ask slowly, in a measured tone.

  Max nods.

  "Do you?" I ask.

  He pauses then nods again. "I think you want to as well," he adds quietly.

  I draw in a deep breath to disagree, but a surge of emotion chokes me.

  “Hey,” he soothes, moving closer. “It’s okay.” I break down in his arms.

  Max holds me while I gather my thoughts. I allow myself to test the waters of believing Danny. If I did, then it would mean that all of this would go away. He could come back and we could be together. But would it all go away? Wouldn’t I have a nagging doubt, always? Then he would be here and I wouldn’t be happy. He will have given up everything and I would end up having to send him away. Oh God, why is this so complicated? I could choose to forgive him. That would be different, because that would be acknowledging what happened but moving past it. But then what kind of over-trusting idiot would that make me?

  “I honestly don’t think he did anything wrong,” says Max, trying to help me.

  I sniff and look up at him, wiping my face. Maybe Connie is right. Even if I don’t think I can trust Danny, I should at least be able to trust Max’s judgement, right?

  “I think you should talk to him,” he says firmly.

  I nod absently. Not realising it looks like I'm agreeing.

  “You will?” he asks, hopefully.

  I shrug, I don't have the energy to clarify. “He’s just told me he will leave me alone. I can’t go back on it now.”

  “It’s never too late,” says Max. “You should call him.”

  “No,” I answer, feeling railroaded all of a sudden. “Too much has happened. It’s better just to leave it.”

  Max sighs and releases me. He sits back. “You really are infuriating sometimes,” he snaps. His phone beeps in his pocket and he pulls it out, still shaking his head at me in exasperation. He glances at the screen. “Shit, they need me downstairs. Sorry, big delivery, I’ve got to go.” He stands up and fixes me with his stern look. “Don’t throw this away, Liv. You’ll always regret it,” he adds as he leaves.

  I’m so sick of this emotional torment, I can’t take anymore. I wish I could go away again, but Max is flat out, Connie has her own stuff and I’ve been to Mum’s already, she needs some time at home with Dave after a month away. I can’t go anywhere by myself. Feeling self-pity brimming out of me I weep again. I let myself sink into a cushion and sob. It’s a conscious decision to wallow, because I could do something. I could call Connie. I could get myself downstairs, I could get a cab somewhere, but it’s all too hard right now so I wallow. The phone rings and I ignore it. He just said he would leave me alone, some willpower he has. If I do decide to speak to him, it won’t be when I’m like this.

  I pull a crumpled tissue from my pocket as the answer phone begins its familiar message. But the caller hangs up. Maybe he really has given up, it briefly occurs to me. My stomach turns over at the thought, but I shouldn’t care, I just asked him to leave me alone. Yet the thought of never hearing from him again is worse than anything else.

  The phone rings again and I let out a frustrated growl, half choked with tears.

  “Leave me alone!” I sob. I hear the beep, expecting it to cut off again, but I hear him breathe. The sound makes me freeze.

  “Liv, please…” He begs, sounding emotional. “I’m begging you, talk to me…” There is a pause, I realise I’m holding my breath.

  “I’m not giving up, Liv. I will fight for us…” he says. “I let you go too easily once before, I should have fought harder, but I was a stupid kid.” I struggle to sit up. I look at the phone, wanting desperately to pick it up. “But I won’t make that mistake again…”

  I sob silently, so torn. I hate him for what he has done but I feel so weak. I wished he had fought harder when he left, so hearing this obviously weakens me further, but he didn’t fight. It’s too late now.

  “Liv, I love you…deep down, you know…I wouldn’t do what you think I did…” He sighs. “Please…pick up the phone…” His voice fills the air, I can’t hide from it. I don’t think he will ever go away. After another long pause, he almost whispers, “…please, just pick it up…”

  With shaking hands I reach for the phone, an unthinking response to his heartfelt request and press the button as I put it to my ear.

  “Liv?’ he asks quietly.

  “Yes,” I whisper, crying as silently as I can manage. But then I hear him break down and I can’t hold it back any longer. For a moment, we each battle with our own emotions.

  “Sorry.” He chokes, trying to gather himself.

  I remain quiet.

  “Are you okay?” he asks.

  “No,” I say. What am I supposed to say?

  “I miss you,” he says softly.

  Again I stay silent. I can’t say anything that might seem like reciprocation, even though I do miss him, desperately. My heart is breaking all over again, talking to him, knowing I have to let him go.

  “I love you so much,” he continues.

  Summoning what little strength I have, I try to speak. “Danny…I…”

  “No, don’t,” he interrupts. “You don’t have to say anything. I know you are angry and I know you are hurt. Picking up the phone is enough…Please don’t say anything to end things between us. We can work it out, you just need to let me back in.”

  I swallow hard. “I can’t handle this at the moment.” I manage to say with
a steady voice.

  “I know, I’m sorry.” He sighs. “I’m sorry for everything…I didn’t mean to upset you before and I know I said I’ll leave you alone, but I can’t.”

  A small sob escapes my lips and I fight to rein the emotion in. I can’t speak when he keeps saying things like that. I wait for him to say something else…

  Chapter Seven

  Danny

  Go back to your life Danny and I’ll go back to mine.

  She says nothing, so I continue. “I didn’t do it, Liv.” I whisper, again fighting tears. “I know you don’t want to say you believe me, but…”

  “Danny, it’s just too hard. Maybe we were better off before.”

  “No.” I insist. “How can you say that?” I push back from the table in frustration and pace the room.

  “Because…” She pauses, finding the words. I dread what she’s going to say. She sighs, she can’t find a good enough reason to quit. I still have a chance. I touch the door with my fingertips and think about how much she needs me right now. It’s killing me, not being able to help her, hold her. I can’t even tell her I know about the accident, because how could I justify not rushing to be by her side? I have to wait until she’s ready. Max warned me about pushing her, but he thinks she might be coming round, I can’t risk ruining it now. I turn and lean against the door.

  “Because it was easier.” She sighs. Is that the best she can do?

  “Than this, sure. But not easier than us being together.”

  “But we’re not together now,” she says. I'm just thinking of the best response when she starts to make her escape.

  “Look, I’ve got to go. I’m snowed under here.” She lies.

  I half smile, “Okay. Can I call you later?” I ask, ever hopeful, I don't want to but I have to let her go, now that she has picked up, I hope I will have other chances.

  “I don’t know, we’re really busy.” Another lie.

  I try not to let the smile reflect in my voice. “Well, I’ll call anyway, pick up if you’re available.”

  She hesitates. “Okay.”

  There is silence between us. I can tell she doesn’t really want to go.

  “Goodbye then,” I say as gently as I can. “Thanks for picking up.”

  “Goodbye,” she replies.

  “Oh and Liv.”

  “Yes.”

  “I love you.” Then summoning all of the strength I have, I hang up before she has chance to reply. I let out a long breath and stand up straight. I turn towards the door again and lightly touch the wood.

  “Hang in there man,” Max says as he squeezes my shoulder. I pat his hand, grateful for his support.

  “Come on,” I say, trying to snap myself out of my funk. “Let’s get this delivery in before it gets busy again.”

  I work the bar like a man possessed. I can see why Liv loves it. I can see myself here, working side by side with her. I’ve got quite good at it too, these past ten days. When I first arrived I just wanted to help in any way I could. I was picking up glasses and all that stuff. But I’ve got really into it. I’ve done it before and it’s not that different. I’m not mixing cocktails yet, but I can make myself useful and at the very least take some of the slack off the other guys. This place really misses Liv. She’s the life and soul of it and you can tell the difference when she’s not here. I have my own work to do as well, but after she left me I did nothing else for days, so I’m really ahead. Then whenever Liv comes down I have to disappear, so I go home, to Max’s where I’m staying for now and do as much as I can.

  I’m really surprised that I’ve not been sprung by anyone. All of the staff know the situation, they’re cool. But I’m surprised no friends have called her and accidentally mentioned my presence. Max is running interference and it helps that Liv has been incommunicado. The past couple of days, she has been away, so I’ve been able to move freely around without fear of being discovered. Max and I finished the garden and it’s full of happy customers right now. I feel awful that Liv had her accident doing something that I should have done for her. But knowing Liv, even I would not have been able to stop her and her control freakiness from taking stupid risks.

  I’ve tried twice to find the time to call her tonight, but I can’t get far enough away from the crowd noise. Eventually, I tell Max I’m taking off for ten minutes and I walk around the block. I find a quiet street and sit on a low wall and dial her number. I’m ready for it to go to the machine, so I’m floored when she answers.

  “Hello?’

  “Hey.” I begin nervously, knocked off my feet by this unexpected turn of events. “How are you?”

  “I’m okay,” she says. “You?” It’s not exactly what you would call concern, but the fact that she asked has blown me away.

  I think for a moment about how to answer this. I don’t want to make this about me, but if I don’t show that I’m suffering, she will think I don’t care. ‘I’m lost without you.” I hope that was the right way to go. “I’m surprised you’re there.” I admit.

  “So am I.” She sighs. “I had a break.” She lies again. “You just caught me.”

  “Oh, okay, good timing then.” I humor her.

  “I suppose.”

  I have to think on my feet, I’m so used to having this conversation one sided that I can’t think of anything to actually say to her. The silence stretches out before me.

  “I don’t know what to say,” I admit.

  “You called me,” she points out.

  “I know, but I wasn’t expecting you to answer.”

  She sighs. “Danny, this is pointless, you have to stop calling me.”

  “I can’t,” I whisper.

  “It’s over,” she says with no conviction at all.

  “But, I love you,” I tell her, “And you love me. So how can it be over?” I feel stronger now, she’s coming around.

  She doesn’t reply.

  “I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise our future.”

  “I saw her, Danny.”

  “Nothing happened,” I say calmly.

  She lets out a long breath. “It doesn’t matter. It’s too late.”

  “Liv, it’s…”

  “Don't, please. We never should have started this. It was always going to end this way. Go back to your life Danny and I’ll go back to mine.”

  “It doesn’t have to end at all,” I say softly. “I know you love me. Tell me you don’t.”

  “It’s too hard, you’re too far away.” Her voice is choked with emotion. Then, after a short pause, the line goes dead.

  My heart is pounding and I have to fight the emotion. I stand in the street, not knowing what to do. Think…THINK! She didn’t say she doesn’t love me and I’m not too far away…I’m right here...I start running.

  Rounding the corner, I run all the way back. I yank open the door to the diner, ignoring the surprised look on Ali’s face and run to Liv’s door. I hammer the code into the keypad and take the stairs two at a time, freezing in front of the door, I knock gently.

  “It’s open,” she says, her voice strained with tears.

  Holding my breath, I turn the handle and push open the door.

  Liv looks up from the sofa, tears running down her face and gasps. For a moment I just stand in the doorway. She is a beautiful mess. Her leg is resting on a stool, and she has been crying a lot, I can tell because her face is all blotchy. She isn’t dressed to go out and she self-consciously pulls her cosy sweater tightly around her. I swallow hard. Look at what I’ve done to her. I don’t care how she looks, she is always beautiful, but she is normally so strong and in control. I hate seeing her this way.

  I'm still breathing hard from running, so I try to steady myself.

  “Can I come in?” I manage, my own emotion affecting the reliability of my voice.

  She is still speechless, so I step inside and shut the door.

  “What are you doing here?’ she asks breathlessly.

  I shrug. Where do I start? “You said I w
as too far away. I wanted to show you I’m not.” I wipe away a rogue tear.

  "But...how?" she murmurs. Then she looks even more mystified. "Why are you wearing that?" she asks.

  I glance down at my staff shirt and look back at her sheepishly.

  "Okay, I need to know what's going on." She shifts in her seat. “Now!”

  I nod, moving towards the armchair opposite her. I slowly sit as she stares. I clear my throat. "What do you want to know?"

  She scoffs, "Err, what the fuck has been happening behind my back, for a start," she replies.

  I have to stifle a slight laugh, this is not the time to piss her off, but I suddenly find the whole thing quite amusing. She has all of these preconceived ideas and I’m going to blow them all out of the water. She thinks I cheated, I can convince her otherwise. She thinks I stayed away, I can prove I didn’t. She thinks I don't care enough, I'll show her she is wrong. I’ve waited for the right moment, this is my time. She looks mad, I smile.

  "You think this is funny?"

  "No." I pull myself together and try to look serious.

  "So come on..." she urges.

  “Okay,” I say, stalling while my mind races back through the past two weeks, searching for a point in the story I can pick up that will make sense to her. I shift nervously. “I called Max.” I begin, knowing that this in itself will lead to more questions than answers. I should have called her, but I was too stubborn. “We were talking when you fell.” Liv stares, she still can’t process the fact that I’m here. “Max yelled your name and then the line went dead. I knew something awful had happened to you, I tried calling him back, but he didn’t answer.” I look at her, the thought of something worse happening to her still fills me with that same fear. I want to reach across and touch her face, but I know she doesn’t want me to.

  “I was with Jen at her store, she told me to just go to you. She booked my flight and I went home, packed my stuff and left for the airport. I was so worried. Jen kept calling Max, but his cell went off. I had no idea what was going on, I’ve never been so scared in my whole life.” I fight back tears and take a deep breath. “While I was waiting at the gate, he called me. He said you were okay, he told me what happened. I was a total mess. I told him I was getting on a flight.” I pause. She still hasn’t tried to speak. I keep going, before she does. “He thought I should wait, but I was already checked in. I told him I was coming no matter what he said.