Traces Of Me

by Nikki Summers

  “My wife left me Charlie. You are all I have. You are my life now darlin. It’s just me and you. If I untie your hands will you hold me once more Charlie?” he begged. She nodded, tears in her eyes for this fallen man in front of her. He was once her support, her desire and her protection, but now he’s reduced to begging and tears. She slides her hands through his hair and holds him against her for the last time. He loosened her ankles and took her hands as he stood her up. She wrapped her arms around him and rested her cheek on his chest.

  “Let’s go upstairs,” he said as she glanced around for her backpack. She caught sight of it by the front door as they reached the top of the stairs. She ran for it then locked herself in the bathroom.

  “Very funny Charlie, you know doors don’t stop me,” he laughed as he began to hit the door with a hammer. The thin wood came apart with every hit, but it didn’t matter because she had her loaded gun in her hand and the safety off. She was ready to end this. She held her gun behind her back as what was left of the door flew open. He grabbed her by the hair, dragging her out into the living room. He threw her down on the couch. She grinned up at him. He wasn’t scaring her which surprised him. She jumped up, pulling her gun on him. An evil grin passed his lips, a look she had never seen on him before and that’s what finally frightened her. It frightened her that the man she once thought she loved was gone.

  “Come on Charlie, just lie down with me tonight, just sleep,” he asked her, still grinning. He threw her request back at her, causing her to wince.

  “That would have worked once but you blew it Jay. I gave myself to Josh, he was my first and he’ll be my last. I love him and only him,” she cried as she kept her gun pointed at him.

  “That’s sweet, touching really. I thought you lost it to that rancher, what was his name, oh Tyler, right?” he asked, stalling for time. Every time he moved she stepped back.

  “Tyler wanted me but I had a little too much baggage to let him in at the time,” she sobbed, not wanting to remember her torment.

  “Sorry about that Charlie, I’m sure seeing your mother get raped makes sex a little difficult. So enlighten me, what did rich boy do that rocked your world,” he asked, his anger returning.

  “You wouldn’t understand,” she shouted back. She had to get away from him.

  “Where’s my money Jay?” she demanded. He smiled and pointed at the bag that sat on the kitchen table. She walked backwards towards it, keeping her eye and her gun on Jay. With one hand she unzipped it and felt the bundles.

  “Is this all of it?” she asked, feeling satisfied that he hadn’t lied to her.

  “Yes it is darlin. Aren’t you going to leave me my share for traveling around to all those little shit holes to dig it up for you?” he glared at her as he spoke. His anger frightened her. Her hand shook as she aimed her gun at his face. She didn’t know how to end this. She didn’t think she could shoot him. He saw her false confidence and ran at her, knocking her down and prying the gun from her hands. He sat on top of her as he pointed the gun at her head. She screamed and cried.

  “Please Jay, please, it’s me, Charlie, please,” she sobbed. He gulped as he prepared to shoot her.

  “I know it’s you baby, you were once mine but now I have to let you go,” he told her as tears poured from his eyes. She knew he was going to kill her. She closed her eyes, feeling like this was the end and all she could picture was Josh’s face, his eyes holding hers in the cafe in New York. Her dream man coming to life in front of her.

  A shot rang through her ears as blood splattered her body. A thud beside her shocked her as a body began to twitch against her shoulder. She suddenly felt some one’s strong arms drag her away from the blood. Someone was holding her, running their hands over her to make sure she wasn’t hurt. She couldn’t focus and she couldn’t hear anything. All she could do was just feel his warmth. She held onto those strong arms, clinging to them until reality came crashing down on her.

  She screamed suddenly, jumping up as she looked around at the strange faces, until she rested her eyes on the man that had been holding her. She ran into his arms again, wrapping her arms around him, she cried and cried.

  “It’s okay now Charlotte, you’re safe. It’s over, you are safe now, it’s okay,” Josh whispered in her ear. She looked up at him and smiled through her tears.

  “Thank you for not listening to me, thank you for following me,” she whispered back.

  “Don’t you remember me telling you that I would never let you go again,” he said. She nodded as she released him. She wasn’t about to hold him to that after this mess.

  The police arrived and statements were given. It was Jay’s gun that had shot Marie. The police asked for details on the ransom, how much money was requested and where it came from. They wanted to know what was being exchanged. Charlotte was afraid they would find the pictures in Marie’s security box eventually but she decided she would play dumb to all of it. She was just the pawn, a kidnapped victim Jay wanted money for.

  “I provided the money in exchange for Charlotte’s life,” Josh explained to the officers. They seemed satisfied with that, knowing his family. This wasn’t the first time someone thought they could steal from them. Once they were free to go, Josh walked Charlotte out to his car.

  “Josh, I need a few bags from that house, I can’t leave without them,” she said, refusing to get in. He led her around to the trunk, she saw her backpack and the duffel bag with her money in it. She sighed, her relief obvious as she looked up at him.

  “I don’t know how to thank you for this, for saving my life,” she stammered, unable to stop her body from shaking. He shut the trunk then took her blood soaked sweater off, dropping it the ground and wrapped his jacket around her. A man approached them from a car behind his.

  “Charlotte, this is Evan, my brother,” Josh introduced them. She looked up at him, remembering his face in the house after the shooting. She took his outstretched hand, shaking it slowly. She knew it was him that shot Jay. He had been holding the gun in his hand.

  “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you Charlotte,” he smiled at her. She instantly relaxed. He released her hand, still taking her in.

  “Josh, I have to run. I’ll be in touch. Charlotte, I hope to see you again soon under calmer circumstances,” he said with a wink. She had a feeling she may never see him again. She may never see Josh again if his eyes land on those pictures. He held the car door open for her as she hesitated a moment before getting in. They drove in silence until they reached the city borders.

  “You can drop me off at a hotel, anywhere that’s convenient for you,” she mumbled. This tension was too much for her to bear. The night had been too long and too painful. She’s just lost her best friend and now she’s losing someone she loves again. Her heart hurt, breathing hurt and looking into his darkened eyes felt like little knives stabbing her entire body.

  “Tell me why I would do such a thing, unless I was joining you at the hotel but we have a perfectly comfortable apartment waiting for us across town,” he said, reaching for her hand. She was confused as he squeezed it. He saw her despair in the lights. He quickly pulled over and turned to her. He held her face in his hands, looking into her sad eyes.

  “I’m not leaving you, I vowed to follow you around the world and to hell and back if I had to, I think I just proved myself,” he told her, wiping her tears before kissing her deeply. She pulled from his embrace, gasping.

  “But there’s more and I can’t hide anything from you anymore,” she confessed, forcing herself to move back from him.

  “What else is it Charlotte? Is it the stupid fucking pictures of a young, desperate girl putting her trust in a disturbed agent who was meant to protect her? He pulled you into his own darkness, you were alone in the world, you were vulnerable. It was not your fault,” he fumed, his voice full of anger. She trembled at his words.

  “You’ve seen them but you followed me anyway?” she questioned.

  “I saw them once a
nd threw them away, all three copies of them. I have my ways Charlotte,” he grinned at her.

  “The ba-bank?” she stuttered, not believing his words.

  “I told you, it’s over unless you tell me there’s more. Tell me there are no more demons, no more monsters, tell me it’s over Charlotte and you still want to live a free life, with me,” he begs her. She brushes her chapped lips against his warm, soft mouth.

  “There’s no more secrets, no more monsters and I want nothing more than to live with you, sleep with you, love you,” she whispers, looking into his brightened eyes.

  “That’s it, no more? Really, that’s it?” he laughs, pulling her closer. He kisses her deeply, his warm inviting mouth consuming her every breath. When he releases her she’s left gasping and in a daze. She’s amazed he still wants to be with her.

  “When you said that I was your first and I’ll be your last, did you mean it?” he asked her, surprising her that he was close enough to hear her.

  “I meant it, since the first moment I saw you, I knew there would be no other for me,” she confessed, looking into his eyes.

  “I knew before I took your hand for the first time that I loved you, my heart knew instantly and when I touched you my body knew. I only want you and right now I want to bring you home and care for you until you’re ready to let me love you again,” he told her, brushing her hair back from her neck. He kissed her slowly as he made a trail of fire from her neck up to her lips, making her moan softly.

  “Take me home Josh,” she whispered and he quickly pulled back out onto the city streets, heading for the lower east side and her new home.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  ~

  Goodbyes

  Charlotte’s slept with Josh each night since the shooting but she can’t bring herself to make love to him. She hasn’t been able to eat and she’s had trouble having any ambition to do anything. He has been patient, bringing her meals in bed and holding her when she looks lost. He knew she was in mourning and it disturbed him that she hadn’t cried yet.

  Josh decided to go out to his office after being away the last few days, but he wasn’t sure if Charlotte was ready to be alone.

  “You should go, I’ll be okay,” she told him. He wanted to start getting her out of the apartment too but he decided to give her a little more time.

  “I’ll be home early,” he told her, kissing her cheek. She wished she would get the feeling back, the trembling at his touch, needing him to touch her more but she couldn’t find it underneath her heavy darkness. She worried that he might reconsider his love for her. That idea shook her. She dragged herself out of bed and decided to shower. She wanted to look good for Josh when he returned. Drying herself off, she walked into the closet preparing to find something to wear. She smiles, remembering that Josh cleared space for her. She touched his suits, missing him already. She turned to her side of the closet, which only had a few dresses and shirts hanging. She sighed as she looked down, catching the corner of her old suitcase at the back. She stared at it for a moment too long. She fell to her knees and dragged it out. Unzipping it, she felt her wig inside. Her eyes focused on it as her hands shook.

  She felt Jay’s fingers as he pushed a few of her loose strands back under it. She had stared at his face, noticing every line around his eyes. His gaze had fallen to hers when he was done. He grinned as his hands fell to either side of her face.

  “You can make anything look cute Charlie,” he had said before turning from her. She remembered hoping he would kiss her but he didn’t. He took her hand and led her out of the hotel room instead. The pain in her heart hit her so hard she couldn’t breath. She sat on the closet floor gasping as her sobs increased. Tears flowed down her cheeks. She couldn’t stop them.

  Josh had returned and was taking off his shoes when he heard her. Loud, gut wrenching sobs were coming from his closet. He stood by the door, wanting to run in and hold her but he knew that she had to get it all out. He didn’t want her to stop because of him. It killed him to stand there and not go to her. He waited as long as he could.

  “Charlotte, baby,” he whispered as he sat down beside her. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and she leaned into him, her cheek on his chest. She continued to cry, and he just held her, brushing her hair back, kissing her head softly. She felt him and she clung to him, needing him to be there even though she didn’t want to talk yet. Once her sobs began to slow and her tears finally stopped she sat up and wiped her cheeks. She didn’t want Josh to see her like this.

  “I wanted to look pretty for you,” she laughed through her lingering sobs, her voice hoarse and her eyes red. He smiled, holding her chin up to look at her.

  “You are pretty baby, even when you’re all puffy and spotty, you’re beautiful,” he teased, kissing her lips softly.

  “I’m sorry Josh,” she said, looking down at herself. She was still wrapped in a towel, her hair falling over her face. He brushed it back and kissed the tip of her nose, making her laugh.

  “Don’t apologize, you needed it,” he said, helping her stand. He glanced at the wig and knew that was what set her off. Memories of Jay must have overwhelmed her.

  “I need to go to Seattle tomorrow. I have to go to his funeral,” she told him. He nodded.

  “Let me take care of it. I’m coming with you,” he insisted, holding her in a close hug. He held her close during the entire trip, rarely letting go of her. She needed his support and was grateful for it.

  After Jay’s casket was lowered in the ground and his family and friends left, Charlotte walked alone and stood in front of his grave. She dropped a white rose on top as a single tear fell from her eye.

  “You must be Charlotte,” a woman’s voice beside her made her jump. The way she said it sounded more like a statement than a question. The tall slender blond looked Charlotte over.

  “You must be Mrs. Jay,” Charlotte replied, remembering how jealous she used to be of her, sleeping beside him when she wanted him with her.

  “I haven’t been Mrs. Jay for sometime, didn’t he tell you we divorced?” she asked. Charlotte looked at the baby in the stroller she was pushing back and forth. His eyes opened slowly before a quiet cry came from him. She felt fresh tears well up. The baby had Jay’s eyes.

  “He didn’t want children and I did. I didn’t blame him. He saw the ugly side of life everyday. He saw horrible things happen to children and he didn’t want to bring his own into the world. I appreciated his honesty,” she drew in a breath, composing herself. Charlotte stared at the baby again.

  “I deceived him. I went off my birth control and as soon as I found out I was pregnant I filed for divorce. He was accommodating, he understood my reasons and I think he realized then that he didn’t love me, he was in love with someone else,” she said staring at her. Charlotte shook her head, not wanting to hear another word from her, but she continued.

  “I didn’t see him for the remainder of my pregnancy. I never told him I had his baby and now he will never know,” she cried softly, wiping a tear from her eye.

  “I don’t blame you Charlotte, you were young, scared and traumatized. You needed him more than I did and he liked to be needed. He used to whisper your name in his sleep when he would come back to me after being with you. He always denied your relationship being anything more than professional but it hurt nevertheless. I begged him to quit so we could be together more but he always refused. After his death I went to his apartment to pick up a few things. I discovered his obsession for you was deeper than I thought,” she fumed. Charlotte covered her ears and turned from her.

  “Wait, please, just let me finish. You owe me that much,” she shouted. Charlotte glared at her.

  “I don’t owe you anything. I never slept with your husband,” she shouted back.

  “That doesn’t matter, the connection the two of you shared was deeper than sex. I could have handled a fuck or two but your dependency on each other cut deeper than a physical affair ever could have. He kept a clipping
of your hair and pictures of you sleeping and writing,” she continued on, softer now. She looked distant as Charlotte stepped back from her, unable to listen to her voice anymore. Charlotte was so stunned that she hadn’t realized Josh was holding her hand. She isn’t sure how long he’s been beside her and she doesn’t know how much he’s heard.

  “I didn’t know,” she moaned as her focus returned.

  “I’m sorry Charlotte, for your loss,” she says sincerely as she wipes another tear from her eye. She glances at Josh, almost as though she just noticed his presence too.

  “What’s his name?” Charlotte asks, looking at Jay’s sons eyes one more time.

  “Andrew Jace Carter,” she answers.

  “You gave him Jay’s last name,” she questions, surprised. Charlotte had already decided to set up a trust fund for him, in Jay’s memory. Even though she’ll probably never see him again, she felt obligated. This little boy doesn’t have a father because of her, she thought as she looked back at the woman.

  “I still clung to hope that one day he would come back to me,” she whispered, her voice catching. She nodded at Charlotte then turned, pushing the stroller towards her waiting car.

  Josh wrapped his arm around her shoulder and led her to their car. Josh held her in his arms that night and kept her close to him as she slept. She hadn’t slept that soundly since before the shooting in Paris. He hoped it was a sign that she was recovering.

  The next morning she looked brighter as she leaned up on her arm, resting her head on her hand to look at Josh. She ran her fingers gently over his cheek and lightly kissed his lips. He grinned as he woke.