Bullets Will Work: A Vampire Slayer Novel

by Geoffrey C Porter

  "You hit me twice. You caught me off guard, and I hate when my back is to a wall. It'll be a while before you hit me again."

  "We'll have to see won't we?"

  He laughed. Ben was right. We sparred every day, and it seemed like I would never hit him. Then one day Manuel interrupted us and said, "Meeting."

  We went up to the third floor to Manuel's office and went inside. I didn't really pay attention as I didn't care about some settlement out in the middle of nowhere. When Manuel wound down, I saw an opportunity and took it.

  I said, "I have a question."

  "The neophyte has a question," Manuel said. "By all means, ask away."

  "What's a neophyte?"

  "You're a neophyte, you idiot," Lambert said.

  Manuel said, "What's the question?"

  "Why don't you out at night and slay them?" I asked.

  Lambert said, "There are thousands!"

  "How do you know if you don't go out?"

  Ben chugged down an entire glass of the blasted moonshine. "Thermal imagery. Vampires are blue at night."

  Manuel turned to his computer and clicked his mouse a few times. The overhead projector flipped to a mostly black and white aerial photo with red and blue dots all over it. Manuel said, "The blue dots are vampires. They are cold blooded and show up in blue. The yellowish dots are car engines, obviously vampires moving around. You can see the dark spot towards the center of the map. That's our headquarters."

  I wondered how they all slept so calmly at night, and it begged the question. I asked, "Why do they avoid the warehouse?"

  "Motion detectors all around the perimeter," Ben said.

  "They come anywhere near our fence," Lambert said. "And a loud alarm will sound throughout the warehouse."

  I said, "You guys said something about claymores?"

  "Yes, there are three lines of claymores buried around our perimeter," Manuel said as he refilled Ben's glass. "They were installed before my time. We've never needed to use them. One is just outside the fence perimeter. One is just inside the fence perimeter, and it'll take out the fence. And the last one is around the outside of the building itself."

  "Plus four .50 caliber machine gun nests on the roof," Ben said. "We're perfectly safe here."

  I began to ponder my next question.

  Manuel said, "How's the training coming?"

  "He got lucky on his first day," Ben said. "He hit me twice."

  Manuel pulled the glass of shine out of reach. "Twice?"

  "Once on the leg. Once he backed me into a wall."

  Lambert shook his head. "This is a sad day."

  "He got lucky!"

  "Don't tell me he's hit you since then," Manuel said.

  "He hasn't! Not once!"

  Manuel turned to me and stared.

  "I haven't hit him," I said. "Not since the first session."

  Manuel said, "I have news from the church."

  Lambert smiled.

  Ben reached for the glass of liquor, and Manuel let him have it.

  "The church had been thinking on Father Paul's recommendation that we should field Sidney right away," Manuel said. "I had to make it clear to them it wasn't possible. So, we're getting a new recruit. Simon will be joining us in around a month. He's young, and this will be his first assignment."

  Ben said, "And last."

  "Yes, maybe his last assignment. I've survived two years."

  "Which means another month with you taking a side all on your own," Lambert said. "We should cut back our slaying until he gets here."

  "We'll cut back a little. Meeting adjourned."

  Ben turned to me. "It's Sunday, let's start fresh in the morning."

  I grabbed up the glass of moonshine that was meant for me and put it in his hand. I went to my room and checked on the computer. Email from Dad read, "We're safe. Everybody got out."

  I started composing this lengthy email talking about all my boring daily events then I just typed, "They've started training me. I don't know how long a wait it's going to be..."

  I stretched out all the muscles in my body. I worked in my life, but Ben was relentless. The armor seemed to get heavier every day although I expected it would start to get lighter again in time. I climbed in my hammock and let it sway back and forth.

  Three days later it was in the afternoon, and I scored a hit against Ben. It was a simple little jab to the heart, but it connected with enough force to bend the wooden sword a bit. At the end of the day, Ben grinned at me and said, "Would you like to try with the real swords tomorrow?"

  I looked at him. Cocked my head to the side, as if pondering this great question. "No."

  "You need to get used to the weight of the metal sword," Ben said.

  "Can't we get heavier practice swords?"

  Ben shook his head.

  I cooked chicken in pasta that night. I simmered the chicken in a good sum of burned cayenne, although not as much as I've seen my dad use.

  Lambert's eyes were watering, and he said, "It's too hot!"

  "I'm sorry," I said.

  Ben ripped all the crust off a piece of garlic bread and stuffed the whole mess in his mouth. "It's not too hot. Drink more water. Eat the garlic bread."

  "THE GARLIC BREAD HAS RED PEPPER ON IT!" Lambert howled.

  Manuel said, "Only a little."

  "I think I'm allergic to the stuff. You have to quit using it, Sidney."

  Ben moved his hands as if to protect his food. "No!"

  Manuel said, "Be reasonable."

  "I'm allergic! I swear I am. They can test me for it," Lambert said. "Call the team doctor tomorrow."

  "Relax," I said. "You don't like the red pepper, and I can always make a small batch without it and a big batch with it."

  "Good. Thank you."

  Manuel nodded.

  "He scored a hit on me today," Ben said. "Fair and square, right to the heart."

  Manuel said, "Excellent."

  "You're not getting slow are you?" Lambert said. "You've gained ten pounds since Sidney got here. I'm surprised you still fit in your armor."

  Ben's eyes went wide, and he looked around himself. He looked down at his belly and whimpered, "You don't really think I've gained ten pounds do you?"

  "You've definitely been putting on weight," Manuel said as he pierced a piece of chicken. "You can see it in your face."

  "I come from a long line of heavy set people with large bone frames. I haven't gained ten pounds."

  Lambert snickered and took a giant chug of water. "But the armor is getting a little tight, isn't it?"

  "I'll cut back," Ben said. "I'll stop buying those little powdered donuts that I love."

  They cleared the dishes, and I went to my room. I climbed right into my hammock and fell sound asleep. A few hours later, the loudest siren shrieked in my room. I fell out of the hammock onto the floor. "Gear up!" went across the loud speakers. Within a few moments I had my armor and ski mask on, and the siren had stopped shrieking.

  I hit the intercom button. "What should I do?"

  Manuel said, "Come to the roof."

  I raced up the stairs, and as I stepped onto the roof, a single gunshot echoed.

  Manuel and Ben were standing next to Lambert who still held the smoking .50 caliber. Manuel shouted, "A wild one, an animal of a vampire, is all it was."

  I walked to the edge of the roof to get a look. A body was sprawled out in the middle of the street. I asked, "Do we have to clean up the body?"

  "Civilians will in the morning," Ben said.

  "Only the wild ones come around at night?"

  "Yup. Crazed with bloodlust, they're the most dangerous of all the vampires," Lambert said. "You never know what they'll do. They don't even remember their own names."

  "I'm going back to sleep."

  I slept well until once again banging raged on my door just before 6 AM. Ben stood there grinning from ear to ear as he did each morning. "No donuts for me today!"

  I got my gear on. I didn't get any h
its on him, but the following day I scored two solid kill shots. At the end of the day, he looked at me. "We should try it with the real swords, and no armor."

  I said, "No."

  "You're good enough. You need to get a feel for the steel."

  "No."

  Another week passed with Ben suggesting at the end of each day that we practice with cold steel the next day. I was getting good, and finally, I caved in to his demands. The next day he met me at my room with a steel katana in each hand. The weight of the katana surprised me. The blade stretched out three feet. Ben said, "I'll be careful not to kill you."

  I said, "Likewise."

  Ben nodded.

  We passed Manuel in the hallway, and he grinned at us. "It's about time."

  Ben said, "Yeah, yeah."

  I had it in my mind that we would go slow and avoid injury. As soon as we made it to the basement, Ben made it clear he had something else in mind. He lunged at me swinging full force at my midsection. I blocked it and dodged left. I aimed a blow for his neck. He blocked it, and we started going back and forth with lightning speed.

  The steel felt good in my hands. The weight of it reminded me of a good, solid hammer. I pulled my blows. I was careful not to cut him. Around lunchtime, Manuel joined us. He stood there watching and waiting. Ben called out, "Break."

  Manuel looked me up and down. "I don't see any blood. Where's the blood, Ben?"

  "I should be the one cut up. Sidney had to pull his strikes."

  "He's ready for the next step?"

  I asked, "What's the next step?"

  Ben said, "You'll face three opponents next."

  Chapter 7

  I made grilled cheese with ham slices that day for lunch. After Manuel finished, I said, "I need to see a doctor."

  Manuel said, "Why?"

  "I take a thing called Lithium, and I'm running low."

  Ben said, "What the hell is Lithium?"

  "It's for my brain. So I can sleep."

  "It's a shrink med isn't it?" Manuel asked.

  "Yes."

  "Well, I don't know if our team doctor will prescribe that or not. Maybe he can recommend a psychiatrist."

  "How do we do that?" I asked. "I mean, does the doctor come here?"

  "We always go to the emergency room. Then our team doctor meets us there at the hospital," Lambert said. "That way nobody finds out who our team doctor is."

  Manuel said, "How low are you?"

  "I have about a week's worth," I said.

  "What will happen if you quit taking it?"

  "I think I'll stop sleeping. It'll be bad if I stop taking it."

  "I guess I'll go call right now. Next time say something sooner when you're running low on something like that. If you were in charge of things, we'd be running out of toilet paper every third week."

  I noticed a smile in the ketchup I'd been using on the grilled cheese, and I drew two eyes with my pinky finger to complete the face in the ketchup. "I lived for a number of years without ever running out of toilet paper."

  Manuel looked me in the eye. "Never?"

  I smiled back at him. "Not once."

  Manuel went to call.

  "Relax the rest of the day, Sidney," Ben said. "We'll start early tomorrow."

  "When I face all three of you we're using wooden swords, right?"

  Ben laughed.

  Lambert said, "No."

  I said, "No way."

  "He's kidding," Ben said. "We use wooden swords."

  I went to my room and did my ritualistic stretches. I climbed in my hammock and let it simply sway back and forth.

  I had the cruelest nightmare, and I had been having it more and more frequently. It was of Emily's death. Each time it started simply with Maliki or one of his minions bursting in on Emily grabbing her in a death grip and sinking fangs into her beautiful neck. I'd show up a moment too late each time, and over and over, I relived her dying words in my dream. When I woke up, I just sighed and went downstairs to work on dinner.

  The next morning I woke up early, but not to a knock on my door. A change I welcomed. I went downstairs to scrounge breakfast and found the others in the kitchen toasting bagels and filling bowls with cereal. Manuel said, "Your appointment is at 9:30. We all go out together and in full gear just like to the grocery store."

  I nodded.

  "We're going to have them weigh Ben," Manuel said.

  Ben said, "What?"

  "They're going to weigh you," Lambert said.

  Ben started eating his food in a hurry like it might be his last full meal.

  I went and got my gear on. I went to the armory on the third floor and waited for Manuel to open the door and pass out our weapons. We all climbed into the van and headed out of the warehouse. We drove a little farther than the grocery store and pulled up at the emergency room entrance. Once inside, they put me in a dimly lit room with pink walls and told me to wait.

  After a while, a tall woman in a nurse's garb entered the room. She had straight blond hair and brown eyes. "My name's Dawn. You're here for Lithium?"

  I said, "Yes."

  "How much do you take?"

  "Six hundred milligrams a day at bedtime."

  "Low dosage." She wrote something down in a notepad.

  "I'm told it's a maintenance dose."

  "How long have you been taking it?" She asked.

  I said, "Eleven or twelve years."

  "I need to take blood. We'll do a full battery of tests."

  I pulled my armor up over my chest. She started getting a needle ready. "What do you do for fun?"

  I paused. I had to stop and think.

  She said, "It's not a tough question."

  "When I want to relax, I either surf the internet or watch a movie."

  "You guys never go out to a bar or anything?"

  "Ben gets drunk almost every Sunday on moonshine, but I don't drink."

  "What a shame."

  Then she stabbed me in the arm and filled three rather large vials of my blood.

  "I'll have these sent down to the lab," she said. "You can wait here, or you can wait with your team."

  I said, "I'll wait here. I see them all the time."

  She smiled at me. "You think I'm going to wait with you?"

  "That's not what I meant."

  She looked me up and down. "Hmmm."

  She called out to an orderly and said, "Can you take these down to the lab. Start a new file. He's slayer #17."

  I paused. "There have been 17 slayers pass through this hospital?"

  Dawn closed her eyes and rolled her head around in a circle. "Counting the dead ones. Remember you're number 17, so they can access your file."

  "Splendid."

  "Do you have a name?" She asked.

  "Yeah, but I don't think I should give it to you."

  "Relax, you're among friends."

  "Sidney."

  She paused. "Sidney Daniels?"

  I said, "Yeah…"

  "Ha! I knew they stashed you in Dayton. You made our paper when they killed that priest, and it came to light that you fried a master. And now, they're training you, or just protecting you?"

  I said, "Training."

  Dawn smiled this wicked little grin that actually may have scared me a bit. "Are you guys going to start burning them?"

  "I don't think so. The slayers are firm believers in making quick kills."

  Dawn put her hands in her pockets, and her shoulders bounced up and down just a bit. I was glad in so many ways that she didn’t remind me of Emily. I still thought of her every day.

  "How long do the blood tests take?" I asked.

  "We have a little time. They'll do the lithium level first."

  I stopped and looked at her breasts. The seemed a little lopsided, and I wanted to reach out to touch them to be sure.

  Dawn smiled at me. "Do you have interesting dreams on the Lithium?"

  "Sometimes," I said. "Lately it's been the same thing over and over."

  "Not a
bad recurring dream I hope."

  "It's kind of bad, actually."

  "That's no good. We could try a new medicine…"

  "No thanks, I've been on plenty of different medicines."

  "They've invented new ones recently."

  "I'll stick to my Lithium, thanks."

  "You know your picture was in the paper," Dawn said. "There's no point in hiding your face."

  "Manuel likely wants it this way. Father Paul may not have talked. The vampires may not know I'm in Dayton. I likely shouldn't have told you my name."

  "I don't talk to any vampires, and your secrets are safe with me."

  "Thank you."

  Dawn pulled out some kind of phone and pushed a few buttons. "Is the Lithium level done on #17?"

  Then she said, "OK. Thanks."

  She looked at me and asked, "How many refills do you usually get?"

  I said, "Six months."

  She talked into the phone, "Can you call the pharmacy and put in an order for 600mg of Lithium at bedtime, 90 days worth, one refill."

  She pocketed the phone. "Your team should know where the pharmacy is. It was nice meeting you, Sidney."

  I said, "Nice meeting you, too."

  I was let out of the dark, pink room and walked back to the waiting area. Manuel, Ben, and Lambert all sat in one corner with their backs to the wall. They hopped to when they saw me. I said, "We have to go to the pharmacy."

  Ben pointed at a sign that said pharmacy and had a big black arrow pointing down a hallway. The pharmacy had the bag waiting for us when we got there.

  On our return to the warehouse, Ben said, "We're all already in our gear."

  Manuel said, "That we are."

  Lambert said, "We could get started right away."

  There was just a hint of glee in all their voices. To me, it felt like a foreboding of doom. But, I smiled and said, "Yes, let's."

  We made our way to the basement. The three of them lined up almost shoulder to shoulder with each other. We all had the wooden practice swords in our grips. Manuel said, "There's really only one rule. If you score a hit on us that would kill or injure us, we will pause for a few moments before going back on the offense as if a new opponent arrived to take our place."

  I asked, "A few moments?"

  "It's very subjective, yes," Lambert said. "And the further along in training you progress, the less we will wait after you kill us."