Bullets Will Work: A Vampire Slayer Novel

by Geoffrey C Porter

  I said, "It hurt!"

  Manuel looked and smiled.

  Simon said, "The basement is full of bodies…"

  "Happens sometimes," Manuel said. "The authorities will clean things up. Did you get all of them?"

  I said, "Yeah, we got them."

  We went outside and stood around waiting for the ambulances and police. The rattle of machine gun fire raged, and bullets pelted me. Simon's neck opened up in blood. He clutched at it and fell.

  I pulled my Colt without thinking and turned on the sound. A smoke cloud drifted outside an open window on the second floor of a house, and I started squeezing off rounds like mad. Somebody in the window ducked for cover, and I took off in a run towards the house.

  I slammed a fresh magazine home. I kicked down the front door, and a shotgun blast pelted me in the chest knocking me backward. Ben was right behind me, and he plugged the vampire once in the chest and once in the head.

  I stepped a bit more cautiously into the house. A vampire hiding right inside the door on the left took a swing at me with a baseball bat. I ducked and aimed a kick at his kneecap. He went down, and I put a bullet in his brain. Thundering footsteps came down the stairs, but before I could get a round off, Ben shot the vampire twice in quick succession, again once to the chest and once to the head.

  I wanted that sniper, so I headed up the stairs. Reached the top, and the hallway branched off to the right and left. I turned right and stepped forward ever so quietly. The first door I came to stood open.

  I poked my head inside, and a dead vampire lay spread-eagled with his brains splattered against a wall. I moved to the next room and the next. They were all empty. We scouted the rest of the house, and it was clear.

  Ben touched his comm gear. "How's Simon?"

  "Paramedics patched him up and took him to the hospital," Lambert said.

  Manuel asked, "Is that house clear?"

  I said, "Yeah, we got them all."

  "Good, we'll get double pay for today."

  I sighed. I couldn't care less about money. More worried about Simon.

  Ben and I walked out of the house.

  Manuel motioned towards our van. "Let's go. The paramedics said Simon just needed a few stitches. We'll go pick him up."

  I smiled.

  We parked in the parking garage and walked into the hospital proper. Manuel seemed to know the way, and I simply followed. We stepped through the emergency room, and Dawn approached me. She walked right up to me. "He'll be alright. Three to four weeks without any strenuous activity."

  Ben said, "Yeah right."

  Manuel said, "He'll want to practice after lunch."

  She turned on Manuel. "Don't let him."

  She turned back to me. "Take away all his toys."

  "Even his computer?" I asked.

  She shook her head. "I meant his weapons."

  Manuel said, "Will do."

  She looked me in the eye and smiled. "How have you been sleeping?"

  I said, "Fine."

  "I need to see your face."

  Manuel said, "Why?"

  She turned on him. "So that I can see if he's lying!"

  "Because all women can tell if a man is lying simply by looking at his face," I said.

  It was the wrong thing to say. I knew this before she moved. When she did move, she spun with a flash and faced me. She pointed at me with one finger. "I can order a medical hold on you."

  "A bit of overkill don't you think," Manuel said. "If you have a private office to interview him in, he'll take his mask off."

  I nodded.

  She said, "Right this way."

  She showed me the office, and there were no cameras in plain sight. I slipped my mask off and took my seat. I was actually a lot more comfortable without the mask and had no intention of lying to her. I was sleeping fine.

  She asked, "How many hours a night are you getting?"

  "Most nights four hours, some six, a few eight."

  "Are you taking naps?"

  "Yes."

  "Stop taking naps for starters."

  I nodded my head.

  "Are you having the dream you told me about?" She asked.

  I repeated the thing with the nod.

  "Tell me about it," she said.

  "A vampire attacks my wife and bites her. I can see, but I can't do anything. Then I'm holding her. Then she dies."

  Dawn sighed. "You relive your wife's death over and over?"

  I didn't know what to say. I just sat there.

  "We have to change your meds," she said. "Grief counseling might help, too. What a tragedy it is to relive such a thing."

  "At least I get to see her every day. I get to touch her. She's with me all the time."

  Dawn whipped out a pad, a prescription pad, and started writing. "And that's not healthy."

  I said, "I'm not unhappy."

  "You just have chosen a profession which is likely the most dangerous profession of all time."

  "It's the safest place for me all things considered."

  "Do you ever hear voices?" She asked.

  "No."

  "In the past, have you ever heard voices?"

  "No."

  "Never?" She asked as she crumpled up the first note from the pad and started writing again.

  I said, "No."

  "You're lying."

  "Can I go?"

  She paused as if in thought. "I'd like you to try something instead of the Lithium at night. I think it'll help."

  "No."

  "I can't help you if you don't want to help yourself. If you're not sleeping, you're a danger. What about upping your dosage of the Lithium a bit?"

  "OK."

  She smiled at me. She just sat there, smiling at me.

  I said, "What?"

  She winked at me. "I was just thinking what a shame it is that somebody as cute as you has to have such a well pronounced death wish."

  A warm fuzzy feeling filled me, and I smiled. "Are you coming on to me?"

  She shrugged.

  I said, "Are you?"

  Dawn set her pen and notepad down. She leaned way back in her chair and propped her legs up on the desk. She closed her eyes. "Simon's likely up and about by now. Scurry on home."

  Chapter 15

  They wheeled Simon out to us. When he saw us in the waiting room, he jumped out of the wheelchair and waved. The lights glared on his eyes like a glaze, and his pupils were the size of small coins. As Manuel turned the van on, Simon whispered, "My first scar."

  "Plenty more where that one came from," Lambert said.

  "The bullet missed my jugular by a quarter of an inch. A clean shot through the muscle. It wasn't even a hollow point."

  "The Fed started restricting sales and possession of hollow points two years ago," Ben said. "Vampires are too stupid or too lazy to drill the points down."

  "They had a fully automatic machine gun, though?" I said.

  "Most rifles can be converted to full auto, Sidney. Slayer teams outside the U.S. have it easier except they're more likely to face explosives and grenades."

  I shook my head. "They're going to catch us one of these days. They're going to ambush us. They'll get a rocket or something and hit our van when we leave for groceries."

  Manuel dodged the van hard into the next lane. "I'll just do that! Rockets are harder to get into this country than you might think. We maintain a random pattern of attacks on their nests. You worry too much for a cook, Sidney."

  "The cook is supposed to worry!"

  Simon asked, "What's for lunch?"

  I sighed. Wanted to talk about the fact that it seemed like every nest we hit their armament and preparedness went up. Simon said, "I'm starved. I lost my breakfast in that house, and I lost a bunch of blood!"

  "Losing blood doesn't make you hungry," I said.

  "I'm hungry, too," Ben said. "Silly two eggs and toast breakfast."

  "You had cheese on the eggs, and you had butter and jam on the toast," Lambert said. "You sho
uld consider yourself lucky."

  "Since when are you my dietician?"

  "Since you got too fat to keep up with me when we hit a nest!"

  "If I was any closer to you going into those nests, I wouldn't be able to get a clean shot."

  "Cool it," Manuel said. "Tell the boys what we're having for lunch today, Sidney."

  "I have all the fixings for hamburgers, and I have chocolate chip cookie dough."

  Simon said, "Boring."

  "Maybe we should go to the grocery store," Manuel said.

  "I want ribs!"

  "We shall have ribs. You can do ribs can't you, Sidney?"

  "When my uncle does ribs, he bakes them most of the afternoon then grills them," I said. "Are you going to be able to wait that long, Simon?"

  "Maybe you could make the burgers and cookies for lunch and the ribs for dinner…" Simon said.

  "Sounds like a plan."

  "If somebody is injured they always get the food they want, at first, then as they become more and more of a burden on the team, they just get scraps," Lambert said.

  Simon said, "What!"

  Manuel laughed.

  "He's joking," Ben said. "We do have a rule that we try and accommodate an injured team mate on the first day. After that, they're expected to do their share."

  Simon's head bobbed up and down, and he winced. "They told me three to four weeks. I'll be healed enough before then to go back out."

  Nobody said anything.

  "Surely you're not expecting me to wait three entire weeks?" Simon asked.

  I said, "I have to follow doctor's orders."

  "No! It's a flesh wound!"

  Manuel said, "We'll see."

  "Well, we're going to practice."

  Lambert said, "No."

  Simon turned his head in my direction and winced in pain again. He turned back to stare straight ahead. "Sidney, you'll practice with me."

  I said, "Not until you're completely healed."

  Simon went, "Arrrgghh!"

  We picked up a half-dozen slabs of ribs, and I looked at Manuel. He gave me a quizzical look in return. I said, "I bet only four of those slabs will fit on the grill. We need a bigger grill."

  "Cook them in two batches," Manuel said. "We're not getting a new grill."

  "If I buy it, can we get a new grill?"

  Ben nodded his head.

  I said, "Manuel?"

  "Yes, if you want a new grill that badly, buy a new grill. But we're not going shopping for one: buy it off the internet."

  “Are you making cornbread?" Simon asked. "And baked beans?"

  No. I had tasted both good and bad cornbread, and I feared any effort I made into that realm would be the latter. "I've never made cornbread."

  "First time for everything."

  "If it's dry and crunchy, don't complain."

  Simon gave me a confused look. "Cornbread should be dry and crunchy."

  Lambert said, "No, it should be soft and warm."

  "Dry and crunchy."

  Ben said, "No."

  "Well, I'm not going to complain if the cornbread is soft and warm. I've never had cornbread that was anything but dry and crunchy."

  I went and found some cornbread mix. I grabbed a few cans of baked beans and a pound of bacon to put on top of the beans. When we made it to the warehouse, I cooked half the bacon to make our burgers bacon cheeseburgers. After lunch, I looked up a recipe for cooking the ribs.

  The ribs turned out pretty good although I did burn them a little. I used the medium setting on the grill on the hot side of the grill, but they flamed up a bit while I had my back turned. The cornbread was dry, but Simon ate a ton of it.

  "You know…" Simon said. "I feel quite good. We could practice tonight."

  "We'll see how you feel in two weeks, and that's the best deal I'm prepared to offer right now," Manuel said.

  Simon sighed. He looked lost in thought as if he were planning an argument.

  "Since we made double pay today, Manuel, can I get two grand?" I asked. "I'll likely spend close to a grand on a new grill…"

  Ben said, "I'll chip in towards a new grill."

  "I was joking when I said you had to pay for it yourself," Manuel said. "The team can easily afford a new grill. I just didn't want to go shopping. Buy something nice and sturdy."

  "I'm going to get a CharBroil," I said.

  Lambert said, "Weber's are better."

  "They might be. But in my family, we buy CharBroil."

  "Lambert, when are you going to see Samantha?" Manuel asked.

  "Are we going to hit nests while Simon is healing?" Lambert asked.

  Simon growled. "I could hit a nest tomorrow!"

  "I haven't decided yet if we should go without Simon. Let's have a vote," Manuel said.

  Lambert smiled. "Nay."

  Ben said, "Nay."

  Simon said, "I don't care."

  I didn't say anything.

  Manuel said, "Sidney?"

  "Nay."

  "The nays have it. My preference is nay because it will give the vampires a chance to get complacent."

  "I want to see Samantha for a week," Lambert said. "She wants to take a road trip, so I can meet her brother and mom."

  Ben snickered. "Meeting the family."

  "Yes. She says she wants to show me off."

  "We did agree to let you see her," Manuel said. "I guess I don't have a problem giving you a week."

  "What's my retirement worth? Like if I decided to retire today?"

  "I'm not sure. I haven't looked in the bank account in months."

  "Can you look?"

  "After the penalty, it would be between two and three million I think. You're not considering retirement are you?"

  "Three million isn't enough, so, no," Lambert said. "But still, could you get an accurate figure for me?"

  "You better not retire," Ben said. "Or I'll put a gypsy curse on you."

  Simon said, "Gypsy curse?"

  "I come from a long line of gypsies."

  Lambert said, "I'm not thinking of retiring."

  "I'll do the math and get a solid figure for you," Manuel said.

  "Thanks."

  Simon said, "Sidney, can I talk to you in private?"

  I knew what he was going to say. Ben, Lambert, and Manuel all started clearing dishes. Simon and I stepped into the TV room.

  Simon whispered, "You have to train with me."

  I laughed.

  Simon whispered, "Please!"

  "No."

  "I'll lose my edge!"

  "You won't. You've spent six years honing that edge. You can take a break. You were shot."

  "It doesn't hurt!"

  "You're taking painkillers aren't you? Turn your head all the way to the side."

  He glared at me, but he didn't turn his head.

  Chapter 16

  I went upstairs, and my computer was beeping. I smiled. I had a secure email account: it would only receive emails from a preferred list of addresses. I opened an email from dad. All it had was an 800 number and a five digit extension. I remembered my satellite phone and used it.

  My mom answered, "Hello?"

  I said, "Hi, mom."

  "Sidney!"

  "Yeah."

  "Are you still with that slayer team?"

  "Yeah."

  "Idiot," she said.

  "Thanks, mom."

  "You're an idiot, boy. You could have a quasi-normal existence if you wanted one."

  "I like my existence. I get to cook."

  "Let me go and get your father. Maybe he can talk some sense into you."

  "Wait!"

  My mom paused. I wasn't sure if she had already set down the phone when she said, "What?"

  "Where are you guys?" I asked. "What do you mean quasi-normal existence?"

  "Your father's old army squad stuck together after the war, you know that. They're sort of a militia. They claim to be licensed to do it. But we're living in a secure settlement. No vampires can get in."<
br />
  "You want me to hide in some fort?"

  "Isn't that what you're doing now?" She asked. "Except now you're stupid enough to go out looking for them!"

  "Yeah, I guess you can go get dad, if you want."

  The phone went silent, and a few moments later my dad said, "Sidney!"

  I said, "Hi."

  He paused for a moment. "Mom's in the other room. How many have you killed?"

  I laughed. "I have no idea, dad. I haven't been counting them."

  "You're supposed to be counting."

  "Nobody told me that."

  "Now you know."

  "We haven't hit very many nests," I said. "And Simon has been getting most of the kills."

  "Stand in front of him!"

  "He's carrying a sword. If I went in first, he wouldn't get any kills in unless I was downed."

  "Tell him to get a rifle. Nobody carries swords."

  "You don't know Simon. These slayers sleep with their swords next to their beds."

  "You're keeping the Colt close by aren't you?"

  "Yeah. I am," I said.

  "You should quit that job and come stay with us. You'd have your own house. They could find something for you to do around here. There's a small town with grocery stores and shopping twenty miles down the road. There's a movie theater. We've got a very nicely established little secure village."

  I sighed. Dad heard me and spoke very quietly, "It's not going to bring her back, Sidney. No matter how many you kill it's not going to bring her back."

  "I know."

  "Then why?"

  "I don't know. I don't have an answer for you. I just feel like this is something I have to do." Because blood must pay.

  "You're an idiot," he said.

  "Thanks."

  "Change your mind and give me a call."

  The phone clicked off. I had no intention of changing my mind. I was finally home.

  The phone stared at me for a second, and an image of a pumpkin danced across its surface, but only for a moment. It dawned on me I didn't have a charger for it. I don't know why I thought of that, but I did. I looked for a model number on the phone for the first time. I couldn't find one. It didn't even have a serial number on it. I went and knocked on Manuel's door. After a few moments, I heard, "Enter."

  I stepped inside, holding the phone out. "Have you ever seen one of these before?"

  "I've seen a lot of cellular phones, Sidney. Are you ok? Did Dawn put you on some new medication?"