Bullets Will Work: A Vampire Slayer Novel

by Geoffrey C Porter

  "This is a satellite phone. I need a charger for it."

  He tilted his head to the side. "Let me see it."

  I handed it over.

  Manuel said, "Hmmm."

  I waited.

  He turned to his desk and unplugged his cell phone and plugged in my phone. After a moment his computer went ping and an empty window opened on the computer. Manuel said, "Fairly standard power plug and USB adapter. I've got an extra one you can use. There are no files on the phone."

  "I wasn't expecting any files."

  Manuel unplugged the phone and handed it to me. As I reached for it, he pulled it back out of my reach. He said, "Where exactly did you get a satellite phone with no markings whatsoever on it?"

  "Father Paul gave it to me."

  "The priest they killed."

  I nodded.

  "We'll crush the phone with the sledgehammer and take a look at its insides," he said.

  "No! It's mine!"

  "We're going to get rid of it."

  "Give it to me!"

  Manuel sighed.

  I said, "Give me my phone."

  Manuel held it out, and I grabbed it.

  I turned to leave, and he said, "Don't you want the charger?"

  "Please."

  He reached into a drawer and rustled around for a moment. He pulled out the charger and handed it over. I said, "Thank you."

  "Anytime."

  I went back to my room and noticed the time, past my bedtime. I had a mini fridge in my room, and I pulled out a cold drink to take my Lithium with. I grabbed two pills then I remembered Dawn saying to up my dose. I grabbed a third pill and sucked them and the drink down.

  I stripped to my boxers and climbed into my hammock. I lay there gently swaying a bit. I thought of Dawn. She was a tad forward, but I was used to that in women. My allegiance was still to Emily, and my thoughts drifted to the great sex we used to have.

  Slowly but surely I drifted off into dreamland.

  I was in the open air restaurant by the beach on the island where Emily and I honeymooned. Looked around, and Dawn was seated across from me. I looked at her hand and saw a wedding ring. Don't know why it caught my eye, but it did. I looked at my own hand, and there was a bright shiny new wedding ring made of platinum. My ring that I wore from my marriage to Emily was made of gold.

  I looked at Dawn, at her straight blond hair. I tried to mouth the words, "We're married?"

  I heard her speak, but her lips didn't move. I knew she was talking to me.

  You walk through the valley of the shadow of death…

  An orange spec glinted in her eyes, and I turned to the left and looked. Great streaks of red and orange lit up the horizon. Little fluffy clouds dotted the skyscape. I turned back to Dawn. She was wiping her mouth with a terry cloth. I looked at her wine glass, and it was full of thick red blood. I said, "You're a vampire?"

  She shook her head no.

  I shouted, "Show me your teeth!"

  She barred fangs and lunged across the table at me. I tried to hold her back by the throat. I reached for my weapons, and I was empty handed. I grabbed my salad fork and plunged it into her chest.

  I woke up to a brightly lit room. Looked at the clock. I had slept for nine hours. I climbed out of the hammock and got dressed. Stepped into the hallway and almost bumped into Simon. He said, "Finally awake?"

  "Yes."

  "Lambert cooked breakfast. Please don't sleep in again."

  "I didn't mean to."

  Simon turned and walked down the hallway. I hit the shower. On my way back to my room to put on fresh clothes, I almost bumped into Simon again. When I emerged clean and clothed, I bumped into Simon again. I said, "What are you doing, Simon?"

  "I'm bored."

  "So, you're walking up and down the hallway? Pacing?"

  He nodded.

  "You're going to spend the next two weeks pacing the hallway?" I asked.

  "I might!"

  I shook my head.

  "Practice with me," he said. "I'm not hurt that bad."

  "No."

  He turned and started walking. I followed after him heading for the kitchen. When he reached the end of the hallway, he just turned around and started walking again.

  Chapter 17

  The kitchen was empty when I got there. I grabbed two cinnamon raisin bagels and toasted them. Put a generous helping of real butter on them and devoured them. I put the dishes in the dishwasher. I was still hungry, so I ate a banana.

  I pondered what to do that day. Shopping was done for a few days, and I had a few special meals planned for Simon. I did have a new video game on the computer, but I hadn't mastered it enough to play online.

  I brewed a pot of coffee and stole some of Ben's real cream.

  Manuel joined me in the kitchen carrying the cordless phone. He held it out to me. "You have a phone call."

  I said, "I have a phone call?"

  "I don't stutter. Take it."

  I grabbed the phone. "Hello."

  "Hi, Sid."

  My heart about stopped. She said, "Sid," just like Emily did.

  I said, "Who is this?"

  "Dawn. You do remember me don't you?"

  "Oh. Yeah. Nobody calls me Sid."

  "Fine. Sidney. Did you sleep through the night?"

  "I slept for nine hours. I slept through breakfast."

  "Excellent. Did you have the dream again?" She asked.

  I took a sip of my coffee and pondered lying. "No. I had a different dream."

  "Was it a good dream?"

  "Eh."

  "Was it a bad dream?"

  "It ended badly," I said.

  "Tell me about it."

  "You were in it. We were married. We were on our honeymoon in Barbados."

  "How romantic. Did we have sex?"

  "No."

  "If you're going to dream about me, you should try and have sex."

  "It's been a long time since I've had a wet dream about anybody," I said.

  "Still, you have some control of your dream. What happened in the dream?" She asked.

  "We were having dinner, and the sun set. You turned into a vampire."

  "You had to kill me?"

  "Yeah. I killed you with a salad fork, and then I woke up."

  "You killed me with a salad fork?"

  "Yeah."

  Dawn laughed bright and happy like a school girl with a new kitten. "Well, it's progress at least. How much of the Lithium did you take?"

  I said, "900mg."

  "Stay on that dosage and come in for blood work in a week. Try and control the dream. Turn it into a positive dream. Try and have sex instead of murdering me."

  "I'll see what I can do. I'm not very good at controlling my dreams. They're so vivid, and they seem so real."

  "The Lithium will do that. The newer medications don't cause the dreams."

  "I've tried almost every medication in the PDR," I said with a shrug.

  "A decade ago maybe, they've made great progress since then."

  "Was that all?"

  "You're in a rush to get rid of me?" She asked.

  "No. Not at all. I just wasn't sure if we were done. I've never had a doctor who's taken such an interest in me that they called me."

  "You're a very interesting case."

  "I don't see how." She hasn’t even seen me naked.

  "You're either brilliant or below average intelligence, and I can't decide which. I want to get to know you better."

  I smiled. I'm an idiot, always have been. "I'll see you in a week, doc."

  "Call me Dawn."

  Then the phone clicked off. I handed it back to Manuel.

  "She's got the hots for you," he said. "I saw it in her eyes when we were at the hospital."

  I said, "She does not."

  He poured himself a cup of coffee and wandered off to parts unknown.

  I just sat on one of the bar stools and sipped my coffee. Ben joined me. He poured a cup of coffee with cream and sugar and s
at across from me.

  He said, "Lambert cooked breakfast."

  "Simon told me."

  "You need to start setting an alarm."

  "What did Lambert make?" I asked.

  Ben eyes squinted into tiny slits. "He boiled hot dogs."

  I laughed.

  Ben growled. "It's not funny!"

  "There are bagels. You could have toasted a bagel."

  "I didn't realize there were bagels!"

  "I have pork loin in Hawaiian marinade in the fridge for lunch. I'll make it up to you."

  "When's the new grill going to be here?"

  I paused. "Sometime after I order it."

  "You haven't ordered it yet?"

  "No."

  "You're not doing anything right now are you?"

  "Drinking coffee," I said.

  "You can drink coffee and shop at the same time. Get a big enough grill that it'll fit six rib slabs on it."

  "You liked those ribs?"

  Ben grinned. "I love ribs."

  I went upstairs to the computer. Picked out the biggest grill CharBroil made and ordered it to our PO Box. They said it would take three days. I didn't believe them.

  A shuffling shuffled in the hallway, and I knew Simon was dragging his feet. I ignored him and went downstairs to hit the weights. Days passed while Simon paced. Within a week the helicopter arrived and dropped off a big enough box that I needed Ben's help getting it inside and to the roof.

  All four of us ended up on the roof. Manuel and Simon watched. Ben ran and got tools for me as I needed them. The gas line had a shutoff right there on the roof, so it was an easy installation. I grabbed up the last of the trash and started to walk away when Manuel said, "You're not going to try it?"

  "I guess I could turn it on," I said. "I don't have anything for the grill."

  Simon said, "Turn it on."

  Ben nodded his head up and down.

  "I didn't even bring the lighter with me," I said.

  Manuel reached behind his back and held out our grill lighter.

  I turned to the grill. I glanced at the instructions. It said to turn the center burner on high and then hold in the electric ignition. I turned every burner on high and then held down the ignition. It went poof as all five burners lit.

  Ben said, "Try the side burner!"

  I turned the gas on and pushed the electric thingamabob. A clean blue flame lit up on the side burner.

  I turned on the vultures surrounding me. "Happy?"

  "Gear up!" Manuel howled. "We're going grocery shopping!"

  "It's four o'clock. It'll be dark in a few hours."

  "All the more reason to hurry!"

  The four of us ran downstairs and put our armor on. Manuel checked out weapons to everybody in the armory. Simon smiled when he belted his sword to his waist. Manuel drove fast to the grocery store like the hounds of hell were baying at his heels. Frankly, until then I thought we had a slow van.

  Simon, Manuel, and Ben all grabbed carts and headed straight to the back of the store where they kept the meat. I didn't grab a cart… I felt very strongly that those three needed supervision.

  I watched them split up. Simon headed straight for the chicken, grabbing both bone in packages and boneless breast packages. Ben went for the pork products, picking up package after package of different flavors of bratwurst. Manuel stepped up to the meat counter. "I'd like everything I can see wrapped up individually."

  I shook my head and sighed. Simon was the first to approach me with a half-full cart of chicken. He grinned from ear to ear. Ben took longer because he had to find the hot dog buns. Finally, Manuel stepped up to me with a grin.

  "That meat will go bad before we can eat it all," I said.

  Ben said, "We have to try!"

  Simon said, "I live for life's little challenges."

  "We've got a deep freeze," Manuel said. "We'll freeze half of it."

  "We need to freeze more than half of it," I said. "What about side dishes? You just want to eat meat for the next month?"

  Manuel looked me in the eye with his evil eye. "You were supposed to get the side dishes, mister."

  "Ben, you're with me: we'll hit the baked goods, dinner rolls and potatoes. Simon, go after rice dishes and canned vegetables. Manuel, grab some noodles, macaroni and cheese, and stuffing."

  All three of them nodded, and we split up.

  We were the last customers in the store, and they locked the doors when we left. The sun started to set as we filled the van with groceries. We piled in the van, and Manuel said, "Buckle up!"

  Then he punched the gas all the way to the floor, and the tires screeched out of the parking lot. The streets were deserted, and Manuel took full advantage. He acted like a hot ambulance driver with lights and sirens and a police escort, and we didn't have any of that. He barely slowed down for red lights and curves. I didn't like it, but it was getting dark.

  We made it to the warehouse as the sun gave its last breath of the day.

  Chapter 18

  Once we stocked the deep freeze and my three compatriots had selected what they were putting in the fridge, I asked, "What do you guys want for dinner?"

  Manuel said, "Fillet."

  Ben said, "Cheese Bratwurst!"

  "Grilled chicken with bar-b-q sauce," Simon said as he shook his head back and forth.

  "I'm only cooking one side dish then," I said.

  "That's fine. You got dinner rolls. I saw dinner rolls," Manuel said.

  Simon said, "Make some beans and rice, too."

  Ben said, "All I want is bratwurst."

  "Manuel, do you have smaller fillets?" I asked. "I was thinking if I am going to all the trouble of cooking three types of meat I could have a bit of each."

  Manuel said, "I have a little six-ounce fillet."

  Ben said, "You can have one of my brats."

  "Sure, you only bought eighty of them," Simon said.

  "You bought twenty pounds of chicken!"

  "Fifteen pounds."

  "It'll all get eaten," Manuel said. "Sidney, are you going to cook?"

  "Yes, boss," I said. "I'm plotting my strategy."

  "Make sure my fillet is rare."

  "I will. The chicken will take the longest. I'll go fire up the grill."

  Dinner went well. Having five burners on the grill let me cook everything right, and the side burner made taking care of the rice easy. Manuel's phone rang as we were about to finish up, and he answered, "Hello?"

  He paused. Then he said, "Ok. See you in a few days."

  He hung up the phone. "That was Lambert. Samantha's car lost its clutch in Iowa. It'll be a few days before he makes it home."

  Thinking of Lambert and Samantha my mind inadvertently wandered to Dawn, and the many dreams I'd had of her. I hadn't gotten her clothes off, but we were snuggling in a hammock before she turned feral in the latest ones. I said, "I need to drop off blood tomorrow at the hospital."

  Manuel said, "We'll go in the morning."

  "Can I get checked out by the doc for field work?" Simon asked.

  Ben took one last bite of bratwurst. "It hasn't even been two weeks yet, and she said three or four."

  Simon hissed between clenched teeth. "My neck is fine!"

  I said, "Turn your head all the way to the side."

  Simon turned his head and didn't wince. He was quick to turn it back to the center. Manuel said, "Enjoy your time off. Quit pacing the halls."

  Simon said, "I like to pace!"

  I ate my last few bites of dinner and debated making brownies. I decided against them as I was quite full from having a fillet, a bratwurst, a chicken leg, and a wing.

  The next morning the lot of us went down to the hospital. I didn't even get to see Dawn.

  Within a few days, Lambert returned through the tunnel. We were sitting around having dinner when Manuel looked at Lambert and said, "I did the math."

  Lambert said, "What am I worth?"

  "Two and three quarters million. And you can get t
hat money if you want. I can transfer it to your bank account anytime."

  Simon said, "You could buy Samantha a new car."

  "Samantha would sell me before she sells that car," Lambert said. "She'll keep it on the road until she can't get parts for it anymore, and then she may start making her own parts."

  I said, "What is it?"

  "A cherry red v-8 convertible Mustang. It was her dad's. It's way fast."

  "How were her mom and her brother?"

  "They were fine. Her mom can cook. Her brother is a diesel mechanic. He was cool, though. I was expecting him to be a jerk since I'm dating his little sister, but he was cool with it. He wanted to know what it was like to be a slayer."

  Manuel said, "What did you tell him?"

  "I told him it was like going into a hornet's nest with a fat boy backing you up."

  Ben said, "Fuck you, Lambert. I'm not too fat."

  Lambert looked at him and smiled. "Are you back in an old suit of armor yet?"

  Ben didn't say anything.

  "The mom was cool with you, even though you're a slayer?" Manuel asked.

  "Her mom said, 'All that matters is that Samantha loves you…'"

  I said, "Samantha said she loves you?"

  Lambert nodded.

  Ben said, "Did you say you love her?"

  "We're sleeping together aren't we?" Lambert said. "She's a very passionate girl, and I love everything about her."

  Manuel took another bite of his steak and smiled. He didn't look at anyone in particular then he said, "I took aerial thermals of a few nests last night. I found a big one. Old house on the north side."

  Simon dropped his fork.

  Ben nodded.

  Lambert said, "Fine by me."

  I nodded.

  "Do you mean for the five of us to hit, or for the four of you to hit. It hasn't been two weeks," Simon said.

  "You said you were ready," Manuel said. "Should we wait?"

  "No. No need to wait. Will you guys practice with me tonight?"

  I said, "I will."

  Ben said, "You'll do fine against just Sidney."

  Simon and I sparred that night. He was vicious but also careful to protect his neck. I admit I aimed for his neck where he got shot. I wasn't truly sure if he was ready, but it wasn't my decision to make either.

  As we were loading up on weapons the next morning, Manuel asked, "Who planted the charges last time?"