Bullets Will Work: A Vampire Slayer Novel

by Geoffrey C Porter

  I said, "I did."

  Ben said, "I did."

  Manuel pointed at Lambert. "Then it's my turn and Lambert's turn."

  Lambert loaded two charges into his bag.

  We approached the house and set up in the street behind cars as usual. Manuel planted the explosive charges and detonated them. Simon rushed into the house with sword drawn, and I was hot on his heels. The front room had three vampires in it, and Simon made short work of them. He chopped up the next three in the next room just as smoothly.

  We headed into the basement, and Simon faced off with a vampire carrying a sword similar to ours. The vampire hissed at Simon, and he laughed. He shouted, "Do your worst!"

  The vampire lunged forward aiming his sword at Simon's neck. Simon chopped his arm off at the elbow and then slit his throat open. Simon turned to me, grinning. He said, "No guns. They didn't have any guns."

  Yes, it was quite nice, but there would likely be machine guns next time.

  As we were driving home, Manuel said, "Sidney, I want you to do the charges on the next nest."

  I said, "Sure."

  Simon said, "It's my turn."

  "I don't want you planting charges yet," Manuel said. "You're still on the injured list as far as I'm concerned."

  "Fine."

  "Can I go see Samantha?" Lambert asked.

  "Sure," Manuel said. "We're going to hit another nest in three days."

  "Three days is plenty for what I have planned."

  Simon asked, "What do you have planned?"

  Lambert ignored him.

  "Well?" Simon asked.

  "Sex, you idiot," Ben said. "His plans revolve around nakedness."

  "There are a lot of different positions you know, Simon," Lambert said. "I have to get my practice in at each and every one."

  Simon said, "Positions?"

  "Don't explain it to him," Ben said. "Get a copy of the Kama Sutra, Simon. There are illustrations."

  "Illustrations?"

  I said, "Ignore them, Simon. They're heathens."

  "The Kama Sutra is an ancient Indian text illustrating and describing all the different sexual positions," Manuel said. "All modern men should be familiar with its pages."

  We drove in silence for a while, and then Simon said, "Is it porn? This Kama Sutra?"

  "Yes," I said.

  Ben and Manuel both said, "No."

  "I can't remember what porn looks like it's been so long since I've wanted any," Lambert said.

  Chapter 19

  Lambert left as usual. Simon wanted to practice as usual. I didn't have any email as usual. I cooked frozen pizza for dinner with extra pepperoni and cheese. The guys grimaced when they saw it, but I had been grilling non-stop for days. I was a little sick of grilling and grilled food. Ben seemed to never tire of bratwurst. Simon could eat chicken for breakfast. Manuel produced ribeye and butterfly pork chops for me to grill like clockwork.

  Three days passed, and Lambert returned. He was grinning wide when he stepped through the tunnel entrance. Manuel took a blood sample, and he was still human. Ben looked at him. "Why are you so happy?"

  Lambert was practically beaming. "I had a good time. We went to a live show in Cincinnati. She let me drive her Mustang."

  I said, "She let you drive her car?"

  "Yeah, she had to teach me how. I don't even have a driver's license."

  "She taught you how to drive on her Dad's vintage Mustang?" Manuel asked.

  Lambert nodded his head up and down like it was on a spring. "That car is a blast. Not that I've driven any other cars, but that car is fun. You punch the gas, and she goes."

  Ben said, "Kind of like her owner."

  Lambert glared at him. "As if you'd know?"

  "I'm not certain, but newer Mustangs are likely faster than the old ones," Manuel said.

  "Hers isn't exactly stock."

  "What does Samantha do?" I asked. "Like for a living?"

  "Well, she writes screenplays. She wants to make movies. She waits tables to pay the bills."

  "Have you read any of her screenplays?" Ben asked.

  "I've only read one. It was about this wicked step mom who emotionally abuses two teenagers, a boy and a girl. The dialogue is fantastic, and the ending is very original. I liked it."

  Manuel nodded.

  "Any thoughts on what you'd like for dinner, Lambert?" I asked. "I haven't cooked for you in days."

  "Pasta," he said with a wide smile. "I would be happy with some spaghetti."

  Simon said, "With chicken!"

  "Bratwurst is very close to Italian sausage," Ben said. "You could throw some bratwurst in mine."

  "Bratwurst is too greasy: don't put that garbage in my spaghetti," Lambert said.

  "Chicken it is," I said. "I'll make a spicy batch for you, Ben."

  He smiled. "If you're going to make a special batch for me, you might as well put bratwurst in it."

  Simon said, "I want the spicy batch, too."

  Manuel said, "And I."

  I nodded at them. The only part I didn't enjoy was cutting up the chicken breast, and that took the same amount of work whether I dirtied extra pans or not. There was no way I'd try and make one with just a bit of spice and try and feed the same to all of them.

  After dinner, Simon wanted to practice. I declined, and Ben declined. Manuel and Lambert though both in unison said, "You're going to practice with us, Ben."

  Lambert added, "You're still too fat!"

  I emailed my dad and gave him the tally for the day, a zero. I told him they didn't have any guns and asked him a few questions about where they were living. Namely, how nice were the houses and how nice were the schools. I don't know how I thought of that. Those were the two questions that Emily thought of when she looked at a house.

  As my dreams were changing, my thoughts were drifting a bit. I was thinking of Emily less and less. I wasn't so much thinking about Dawn, but simply other things. How I would "get" Simon in our next practice session. What to cook next. That we were due to stop at the store soon, and I often made lists of what to buy.

  The next day we drove to hit the nest. Manuel parked the van, and Lambert and Ben headed into the backyard a few houses down. Simon ran behind the parked cars in the street and crouched down low. When we were in position, I paused. Manuel gave the word for when he wanted the explosives planted, and there was no word.

  I looked at him.

  He said, "Give me the charges."

  I said, "It's my turn."

  "Something's wrong, I can see it in your face," Simon said.

  Manuel pointed up and down the street. "Cars everywhere, all up and down the street. This street was half empty two days ago. Give me the charges. If we're going to be ambushed, I want to be in the thick of it."

  I sighed. He was the boss. I drew my 9mm and handed him the charges.

  He said, "Cover me."

  He hit the link on his comm gear and said, "Go!"

  Manuel snuck up to the house as best he could and kneeled at the door. Quickly he grabbed a charge and peeled the wax paper off. He cast the paper aside and stuck the bomb to the door below the door knob. He grabbed the second explosive and peeled the paper off.

  He touched it to the door, and the door exploded outward in a great ball of fire and shrapnel. His body was knocked back by the explosion onto the concrete sidewalk. A cloud drifted up behind the house as well, and I barked, "Lambert, Ben, report!"

  I stayed down low and dodged around the car. I approached Manuel and reached down to grab him to drag him to cover. My eyes drifted to his face, and I almost hurled. All his features had been torn off. Bone and debris were stuck in his cheeks and forehead. I could tell by the fact that he wasn't bleeding that he was dead as nails.

  Gunfire rattled on my right and in front of me raking Manuel. I looked forward first, and a guy with white and black paint across his skin wearing dark sun shades held an AK-47 aiming it at me. I rattled off three quick rounds to his chest. He took a step back bu
t grinned at me.

  I aimed for the sunglasses and squeezed off a single round. He fell down and backward squeezing off rounds from the AK-47. I dodged backward and back behind the cover of the car as bullets hit the ground around me from above.

  I looked for a window with a cloud of smoke and started rattling off rounds. Movement in the window made me think to dodge, and I turned behind us as a bullet hit my helmet knocking it off my head. I fired off the last of my magazine at that window. Looked for my helmet and put it back on my head where it belonged. I slammed a fresh magazine home.

  I looked at Simon. He was crouched under cover of the car hyperventilating. I kicked him in a kindly way and shouted, "Get up and fight!"

  He looked at me with tears in his eyes. "This is how slayers get captured!"

  "You're just going to sit here and wait for them? You want to just give up! We'll kill them all."

  He nodded. I took a look around just as three machine guns from different points started pounding the car we were ducked under. The house left of our nest, the nest, and the house right of the nest all had snipers in the windows.

  I hit Simon with my foot again to get him out of his crouch. "Take the house on the left: get that sniper. I'm going in the nest. I'm going to meet up with Lambert and Ben. Meet us in the back of the house!"

  Simon drew his sword in his right with his pistol in his left and took off in a run. I ran towards the nest aiming for the sniper in the house on the right. Emptied a whole magazine into that window. I holstered the 9mm and drew my Colt.

  I stepped into the house, and a vampire took a swing at me with a club. Yes, it was a club. It looked as if he had found a sizable branch and whittled it down to a vicious bludgeoning weapon. And the sheer silliness of it made me pause. I thought to myself, surely I'm dreaming. Then I thought better of it and said I'd better plug this guy dream or not.

  I shot him in the stomach as I ducked under the club. But he didn't go down. I aimed high, and he knocked the Colt out of my hands with the club. Without pause, I drew my blade and faced the vampire.

  I noticed his face and neck was painted in black and white stripes like the vampire I'd shot in the head. He wore the thick dark shades, too. Out of nowhere, he threw the club at my head and ran.

  I drew my 9mm and shot the vampire in the leg. He went down. I shot him in the head. I raced up the stairs. A figure was climbing out a window, and I chased after. He ran through the yard, and Lambert and Ben were on the ground. I ran down the stairs and headed to the back of the house. The back door was in tatters just like the front. The first slayer body had his face blown off like Manuel. And he was plumper of the two: I knew it was Ben.

  I went to Lambert and kneeled down. I took my glove off and felt for a pulse. I felt it go thumpity-thump against my finger. I took a look around and listened. Simon burst out of the back door of the house on my right and shouted, "Are they alive?"

  I said, "Lambert is."

  Simon hopped over the fence between the two yards. "Should we go after the rest of them?"

  "I think they've all fled. We can't leave Lambert alone."

  "I'll go see if any are still here. Stay with Lambert."

  I nodded.

  Within a few minutes, Lambert stirred and sat up. He reached into his mouth and pulled out a bloody tooth. "They knocked out my tooth!"

  "Ben and Manuel are both dead," I said. "What happened?"

  "I don't know. The door blew, and vampires rushed me. One hit me with a baseball bat, and I don't remember anything else."

  I said, "They let you live?"

  "They seemed to be in a hurry." He buried his face in his hands. "This sucks."

  Chapter 20

  The paramedics and local police came and cleaned up the vampire bodies. Father Titus joined us and said prayers over Manuel and Ben. The good father gave instructions to the paramedics for where to ship them.

  As they finished up, Lambert said, "You'd better drive us back, Sidney."

  I went to Manuel's body as they were about to put it in the ambulance and sighed. The paramedics looked at me. I said, "I need his keys and his wallet."

  I reached into his pockets and pulled out the keys. Reached behind him and pulled his wallet. I opened the wallet and started searching it. Finally, I found an envelope marked, "If I should be dead."

  I opened the envelope and read the contents. The keycode for the door was 31537. It said there was a video DVD on Manuel's top book shelf and that all of us should watch it.

  Lambert, Simon, and I climbed in the van, and I fired up the engine.

  "We got hacked!" Lambert said. "They either hacked our firewall getting into Manuel's computer, or they hacked the air force base computers."

  "They could have installed a sniffer routine in between the air base and our ISP," Simon said. "They could have intercepted it that way."

  I didn't believe them, but I didn't know what happened. "Lambert, has this happened in Dayton before?"

  "Nobody has ever retired out of Dayton, boss," Lambert said with a sigh.

  I thought, boss? I said, "I'm not the boss."

  Simon said, "Yes, you are."

  "The video we're going to watch will tell us to pick a new team leader, and the rule is the oldest takes the responsibility," Lambert said.

  I thought quickly. "Together the two of you are older."

  Simon said, "It doesn't work that way."

  "Lambert should take the team. He has the most real experience."

  "It doesn't fall on my shoulders," Lambert said. "It falls on yours."

  "Aaarrrgggghhhh!"

  Simon said, "It could be worse."

  "Yeah…"

  I pulled the van up to the gate at the warehouse and entered the code from Manuel's envelope. The garage remote opened the door into the warehouse, and I drove the van inside.

  We stored our weapons, and Lambert called dibs on the shower. I went into Manuel's room and found the dreaded DVD video. It had, "Play after I'm dead," printed on it.

  I waited for Lambert to finish showering and stopped Simon from taking one. I said, "Let's watch this video."

  Lambert said, "I've seen it."

  Simon said, "You can watch it with us."

  We went to the rec room, and I slid the DVD in. After a few moments, a man appeared and spoke, "Well, I'm dead. It's time for you to pick a new leader. It's customary that the oldest takes on the responsibility. Pause the tape while you decide."

  Lambert said, "No need to pause the tape."

  "Do you know this guy in the video, Lambert?" I asked.

  "No, he was before my time."

  The video continued, "The leader should now change the security code for the building. There is also a lockbox underneath my bed that contains the keys to the bank account and a few other things a new leader may find helpful."

  The person in the video then paused. He wiped a tear from his eye. "Good luck with your ongoing fight. You have my blessing."

  The video went to static.

  Lambert said, "Let's get drunk."

  I said, "I'm not getting drunk."

  "Ben would have wanted us to get drunk."

  "I'll drink with you," Simon said.

  Lambert nodded.

  I went to the control panel for the building and figured out how to change the password. It was far more complicated than it should have been. My stomach growled, and I realized it was past lunch and going on to dinner. I went and found Lambert and Simon. They were drunk, but it was a very stoic drunk. I asked, "Do you guys want to eat?"

  Lambert said, "No."

  Simon laughed and spilled some of his drink. "I'm not at all hungry!"

  I went back upstairs and made a sandwich. I grabbed Manuel's keys and went to his room. I looked under his bed, and indeed a lock box waited for me. On the top of the box was a letter from the bank with our account number and pass code. Underneath that was a topographical map of our "settlement."

  A worn, tattered letter, with at least two coffe
e spills on it, said, "What I've been telling you about the settlement have been lies. It is four times as large as what I've been telling you. There are four times the people living there; it has four times the structures built. Our money doesn't finance it although we own every property. It is financed by a multi-national corporation, and you'll never learn which corporation it is. It is a secure retreat for some of their top people's families."

  I could have laughed. Why lie to us about the settlement? The letter went on. "I lie about the settlement so as not to get your hopes up. I want you to be surprised if you ever have to go there. It's that simple."

  Underneath that letter was a black plastic box with orange stripes on it. I lifted the box up and opened it. It contained a vial of orange fluid not much smaller than a baseball and a metal syringe. I looked for a pamphlet or something.

  Nestled in the top of the box was a printout. I looked at it and started reading, "WARNING: This anti-venom has been tested on rats and rabbits. No human testing has occurred yet. The anti-venom may prevent an infected person from turning into a vampire. Inject the anti-venom into muscle tissue."

  Then I read the expiration date, and it was expired three years back. I put it back in the case and locked everything back up except the bank letter.

  I went to my computer and accessed our bank account. It had seventy-two million dollars in it. I about dropped my mouse if I had been holding it. My satellite phone rang. I paused and looked at it. Then I answered it. "Hello."

  The same voice that had told me about Father Paul said, "Sidney Daniels?"

  I said, "Who's asking?"

  "I am."

  "Who are you?"

  "That's not important. I saw the news clip today. You've got a rat on your team."

  I looked out the window and smiled. "Tell me who you are, or I'm going to smash this phone with a sledgehammer."

  "I'm a federal agent. Is that good enough for you?"

  "No. What branch of the fed? How do I contact you?"

  "I'm on your speed dial, #1. Ask for agent nine. I'm with a branch of the fed you've never heard of because we're secret."

  I asked, "This phone has a speed dial?"

  "If a male voice answers, we've been infiltrated. Only ask for agent nine if a woman answers."