Shards of My Heart

by Moore, Nicole Andrews

  Shane: We already know each other.

  me: No, you keep telling me you are different. I want to get to know that guy.

  With a shrug, he set up the truck to accommodate me and Kylie. Then, we were off, driving and talking. It was a nice drive, almost relaxing if it weren’t for the heavy trailer we were towing that periodically threatened to rip us from the tarmac. Once there, hours of negotiating ensued, along with unloading and reloading of the trailer. Finally, early afternoon, we headed back to Charlotte after a brief pause for lunch.

  While Shane worked to secure the trailer in the driveway, I unloaded Kylie and everything we had taken with us for the road trip. It was all going so smoothly...until I found the pill bottle. It was Adderall and it had been filled on Saturday. Thinking hard, I vaguely remembered how he had offered to go pick up dinner. We ordered from one of the nearby restaurants, Fricken Chicken, which was located right next to Rite Aid. Of course.

  Instantly, all of the progress I had seen, whether real or imagined, meant nothing. The pill bottle shattered it all. Without thinking it through, I stormed into the house where Shane was lounging on the couch.

  me: What’s this?

  I thrust the bottle toward him angrily.

  Shane: I feel so weak. I thought it might pick me up.

  me: You aren’t supposed to take anything except for what is prescribed by the doctor at the hospital. You know this, right?

  He nodded quietly. It was obvious he was too tired to fight with me and didn’t understand my fury.

  Shane: Why are you so upset with me? I’m trying.

  me: Filling scripts you shouldn’t have isn’t trying. It’s cheating, already.

  Shane: What do you want? You want to give up on us? You want this to be over?

  At the moment, I couldn’t speak. There was no answer for his question...yet. Instead, I now have even more to think about. All I wanted was for life to be normal again, for everything to make sense once more. Only, maybe this had become our normal. Maybe this was the life we were used to. If it was, it wasn’t the life I wanted back. This could never be my life for the long run.

  Shane had an appointment scheduled this morning to be evaluated for which outpatient therapy program to participate in. I woke up...waiting for him to fail. Yes, I was going to hell. Part of me wanted to be proven wrong, but the rest of me kept thinking about the pills I had found the day before. Nope, I wasn’t over it yet. He had so much to prove to me, and it felt like so far, he had only proved that he couldn’t be trusted.

  When his alarm went off, he woke up and headed to the bathroom to get ready. I had already been up for hours, but seeing him walking out at 7am shocked me.

  Shane: I’m used to getting up early now because of the hospital. Are you impressed?

  me: Very. What are your plans for the day?

  Shane: There’s that evaluation that I have to go to. I’m not sure how long it will take, so I didn’t make any other plans.

  He looked at me shyly for a moment, then he continued.

  Shane: Do you have much work to do? I was hoping we could do something together tonight.

  me: Huh. Like what?

  This was different. In the past, it has always been me who has been working to get him to make plans, to come in and watch television together, to do anything besides pass the night in our separate corners. So much of the time, I felt like we were just roommates. Now, he lost it, he went to jail, he went to a mental hospital, and he finally was interested in me again. Wow.

  Shane: Well, we have a lot of shows to catch up on...unless you watched them all without me?

  me: Nope. I didn’t watch any of our shows. I left them there just in case.

  Seriously, I couldn’t bear to watch any of them without him. I had to do other things, change up my life in his absence. Now, it was paying off. He was making an effort, and I was too.

  Shane: We could order in food and watch our shows...snuggle on the couch with Kylie.

  me: I’d like that.

  So, he went to his appointment and returned after a few hours. When I tried to talk to him about it, he simply told me that the therapist had offered him a program that cost $4000, but he turned it down, asked for an alternative, and was given...none. Inside, I was sighing a lot. This had better not be the extent of the intensive outpatient program that I’d heard so much about. Still, he was in good spirits and every sign pointed to a good day. I wasn’t going to be the one who ruined it.

  We did our own thing, working during working hours. He started the repairs around the house, which surprised me again. On top of that, there was no nap. He spent time playing with Kylie and when he was sitting on the couch with me, he reached over to touch me.

  Something so simple, so subtle, meant so much. Like most women, I crave my man’s touch. In this case, he had laid his hand on my thigh. It had me all tingly like I hadn’t been for so long. Wow.

  These are the little things that keep us connected...words, touches, and looks. These are all the right things that he’s suddenly doing. It’s like all of a sudden, he sees me again.

  Life is slowly returning to some new kind of normal. Want to know how I can tell? Simple, I don’t have as much to share, as much drama to record. Honestly, I rather like that. My biggest challenge is to hang onto hope, to keep positive, and think about all the good things happening in our lives and especially between us.

  This morning was mental health court day.

  Honestly, I was scared to death. It was general fear of the unknown. What would happen there? While Shane hadn’t had any blow ups, he also hadn’t been scheduled into any therapy program. We’d see what the court said; this magical court that was supposed to keep him on the straight and narrow and keep Kylie and me safe. This was the place the doctor and social worker had used to convince me to change the Order of Protection. I had been encouraged to come, to participate. Even Kylie was allowed to be there.

  We loaded into the car forty-five minutes before we were expected to be there with Shane behind the wheel. That gave us plenty of time to get breakfast on the way. At least we had similar thoughts, that we should keep the day as pleasant as possible. That’s why we chose Chick-fil-A. The northerner in me had once imagined it impossible to stomach chicken for breakfast, but after eating my first chicken biscuit, I was hooked. Add a sweet tea to it and I was in heaven; breakfast of champions. It could improve my mood for an entire day.

  Hoping that it would have the same magical impact as always, Shane and I hit the drive thru. We were both smiling when we parked at the hospital where court was being held all of fifteen minutes later. Kylie was snapped into her stroller once more. Then we were off to yet another courtroom.

  After following a series of signs, we discovered that court was held in a room off the cafeteria. We sat at one of the round tables with a centerpiece of fabric flowers while we waited to be called. It didn’t take long before we were heading into the mystery room.

  There was a long wooden conference table lined with leather wheeled chairs. All of the chairs were full, except for the two at the very end intended for our use. We sat and I pulled Kylie close to me. I still hated having her around strangers.

  The entire experience went by in a blur. It was that meaningless. The older man in the suit at the head of the table looked like he was the one presiding over the court. As I settled into my seat, I watched as he read over the file in front of him.

  judge: It says here that you are being ordered into an intensive 90 day outpatient program. Do you agree to participate?

  Shane: Yes, sir.

  judge: Okay then.

  He signed some papers and we left.

  Yeah, that was it. We drove all this way for that.

  The more I thought about it, the more I felt like I had been tricked, taken advantage of. For some reason despite being weaned on Lifetime movies, I still believed that our clearly flawed system would work. Only it had obviously failed. It was currently failing me. Somehow, I knew that
this just was going to amount to nothing. No follow up. No follow through. Shattered hope.

  Shane: That was nothing like I expected.

  me: Yeah, me neither.

  Rather than consider the negative, I tried to gather up those jagged shards of hope and piece them together. I had to believe that hope could be healed, could grow with time and careful tending.

  Shane: Is there anything we need to do while we’re out?

  me: We might as well get some groceries so I don’t have to go out later.

  That’s what we did. We tried to rebuild our life together little by little every day. We tried to find a new normal. While we walked, he held my hand.

  The morning was spent with business as usual. I took care of Kylie and wrote like a woman possessed...or a woman who was broke and determined to get some money to replace our quickly depleting funds. Shane had to go to the hospital. It was med-check day. He would go and speak to someone about how the meds were affecting him. If need be, they would be altered.

  So far, I was pleased with the results. His temper had remained in check, even though he had been pushed on more than one occasion. When he returned, I was almost afraid to find out if he was on the same meds as before. I knew not everything was fast acting.

  me: What happened?

  He looked at me for a minute.

  Shane: Are you interested, concerned, or just checking up on me?

  me: Interested and concerned.

  With that response, he smiled.

  Shane: I’m off the clonidine and now they have prescribed something for restless leg syndrome. It’s a side effect of the Seroquel.

  me: Well, I hope it works.

  For all our sakes, I really did.

  Despite all the drama lately, it was still Halloween. A typical Halloween at our house meant that we would have a family of pumpkins out front, carved...with power tools, filled with tea lights, ready to glow and greet our trick-or-treaters. There would be an entire scary scene played out in the front yard from the huge inflatable spider, to the grim reapers, the frightening scarecrows, the rabid growling, demon dog. There were normally foggers...plural. Lights...many strands, colors, and styles. The candy was plentiful, the atmosphere festive.

  Across the road, Lola and Evan would have a bonfire going in the front yard. There would be a cookout...my hot dog for the year. We’d have s’mores, alcohol for the adults, soda for the kids, glow sticks for people and pets. It was one of our favorite nights of the year. Seriously.

  Only this year...there are no decorations. There are no pumpkins. We’re buying candy last minute...along with Kylie’s costume. It was fine, but the feelings weren’t the same. While Shane refused to go over to Lola and Evan’s fire, I was back and forth between our house and theirs, trying to talk to everyone, keep all involved happy. Luckily Kylie would never know better, since she was too little last year to remember the difference.

  Though there were plenty of drinks being offered, neither Shane nor I were drinking. The way the evening played out, it was...okay. It just wasn’t what either of us was used to. We felt the emptiness in the experience.

  Something strange happened today. Ready?

  Shane smiled.

  For most people, this would be no big deal. For him, it was seriously notable. With all the years I had known him, smiling was not something that came naturally or easily. Instead, often when he tried to pull it off sober, it looked awkward, uncomfortable, forced. Now, today, he acted like it was something completely natural, like he had been doing it for years.

  When he stepped outside of the bedroom this morning, he had an announcement to make.

  Shane: Binswinger called. The glass for the windows is ready. I’m going to go pick it up and install it today, that way we’ll be able to sleep in our bedroom tonight.

  me: That would be lovely.

  After nights spent in the great room so Kylie could sleep on the couch or in the porta-crib, finally being back in our room sounded wonderful. While I loved having our baby snuggled up against me, I never allowed myself to sleep too deeply in case she started to roll. Someone had to keep her from cracking her head on the floor in the middle of the night. Blanket bumpers had proven useless. I had caught her last minute on more than one occasion. It was time to get her back in the safety of her crib.

  While he was gone picking up the glass, I worked on cleaning out the crib. Just in case there were any shards of glass left in it I flipped and banged out the mattress while the blankets and fitted sheet were in the washer. I dusted down the entire crib and reassembled it after the laundry was finished.

  By the time I was done in there, Shane had returned with glass and lunch for us. This was a really nice change. In the past, I was often left to fend for myself because it simply never occurred to him that he should bring me food, too. As soon as we finished eating, he went to work, determined to get the windows in before we lost our daylight.

  With Shane working in the bedroom, Kylie and I stayed in the great room. The desire to know what her da-da was doing about killed her. She was at that stage where she was never happier than when she was under foot, watching and absorbing every little move we made. I loved it, seeing my little sponge soak up knowledge, but this wasn’t the right time or place for her to participate.

  Finally, when he was all done with daylight to spare, Shane came and sat down on the couch beside me.

  Shane: Our room is ready. The windows are in and it looks like you cleaned and set up Kylie’s crib.

  Then...it happened.

  He smiled at me. I studied him for a moment, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that he was genuinely happy. Yes, finally, he had a taste of what the rest of us experienced on a daily basis without drugs or alcohol. Wow.

  Shane: What are you thinking?

  me: Happy is a good look for you.

  Shane: It felt good to work. As much as it was a pain in the ass, I like knowing that we have our room back. I even worked up a little bit of a sweat.

  He wiped his brow and showed me the moisture that had collected on the back of his hand.

  me: Yummy.

  Shane: I need a shower before bed tonight.

  me: Have at it. Now that we’ll be sharing a bed, I wholeheartedly approve.

  Then I let out a giggle.

  Whoa. How long had it been since that happened? Too long. I used to be such a spontaneous giggler. Somewhere along the way, that stopped. Shane’s funk had pervaded my attitude. I was perfectly good at being happy as long as I didn’t have someone making me unhappy. Too often in our house that had been the problem. He was miserable and made everyone around him miserable.

  Shutting my eyes for a moment, I forced myself to remember to stay positive. These changes were good. Stay happy and there would be more to follow. I hoped.

  Somehow, I had thought that the happy he was feeling would translate into a sexual closeness for me. There was a saying I had heard growing up...that guys give love to get sex and girls give sex to get love. Whether it was entirely true, I wanted what I considered to be the ultimate closeness. It had been an area of our relationship that had been suffering for years. It began when Shane started with the pills. Apparently, the pain pills dull so much feeling that it is all but impossible for guys to get excited and if they did, it was rare he could maintain an erection. So I had listened to a lot of this…

  Shane: Well...at least you know I’m not cheating on you.

  Did I? Or was he just not attracted to me?

  That’s why when he made the mistake of asking what was bothering me, I rather exploded on him in the morning.

  me: I don’t want this forever. I can’t.

  Shane: What are you talking about?

  me: I get that you were such a manwhore that sex has little meaning to you…

  Shane: Snuggling with you at night is just as good and special as having sex with you, maybe more so because I didn’t do that.

  me: Well, bully for you. Me, I only slept with guys I really
cared about...or happened to be married to. My ex and I had a ton of issues, yet we still screwed like bunnies. You...I’m so in love with...and we never have sex! Do you know we once went 6 months without having sex? What happily married couple does that?

  He looked completely taken aback. Then he turned it on me, like always.

  Shane: Why would I want to be close to someone who is mean to me?

  me: Why would I want to stay with someone who doesn’t care about my needs, who doesn’t make me feel loved and wanted, who clearly doesn’t find me attractive?!

  Shane: You would leave over sex?

  me: If you think it’s about sex, then you are missing the point.

  No matter how I tried, I just couldn’t get him to understand how much that one act meant. It wasn’t just a physical thing, to me it meant so much more. Because of his reaction, I knew I had lost him for the day. Though he could claim all he wanted that I was the one to hold a grudge, he was the one to withhold everything...sex, love, affection, even his presence.

  An hour passed and I wasn’t at all surprised to hear that he had offered to drive his friend to a job interview and would be back at the ever so precise time of...later. Naturally, ‘later’ was three hours in the making. Then when Kylie was taking a nap, he started playing with me, snuggling, kissing, fondling. Silly me, I thought that was going to lead to a nooner, and offer me the hope I needed to hang on a while longer.

  Instead, he suddenly announced that he was going across the road to talk to Evan. When I glanced out the door to ask him a question, he was driving away in the truck. To say I was furious would be an understatement. After I called repeatedly and he refused to answer, I was packing. I knew he was avoiding me. Just as I was about to start loading the car, he called back.