Small Steps to Great Parenting

by Kalanit Ben-Ari

  You, as the parent or caregiver, can help your child to express how they feel in healthy and appropriate ways so that they can self-regulate their emotions. In other words, they can talk about how they feel rather than act out with behaviours like aggression, attention-seeking or depression.

  Children who know how to express how they feel are more likely to grow up to be more confident, to have good social skills, to know that asking for help is a strength and not a weakness, and experience less mental health problems like depression and anxiety.

  Most importantly, talking with your child about feelings provides you with an opportunity to learn more about their inner world and opens a safe path for them to explore their challenges.This fundamental skill of emotional bonding is extremely worthwhile, and it will continue to deepen as your child grows. I have produced a short film called The Feelings Cake, in which I show how to create a fun and effective art project with your child that will encourage you both to talk about feelings. You can find this on YouTube (the details are in the Resources section at the back of the book). A key point to be made is that talking with your children about feelings is most effective when there is no conflict between you. Caught up in the heat of a tantrum, your child will find it very challenging to cooperate with sharing their feelings (there is more about this in Part Two). Practising your talking skills in no-conflict situations builds healthy habits that are easy to follow in times of need.

  Send an invitation

  When you want to initiate a conversation with your child, invite them – by asking if this is a good time for them. Children have their own worlds and interests, which is why you should check that they are available, or whether they would prefer to talk later. This gives the message that you respect their space. And this way – more often than not – your children will want to hear what you have to say. If a child says it is not a good time, invite them to initiate the talk over the next day or two. It’s important for you to involve them in what happens between you. If you see that something is bothering your children and they are not willing to talk about it, you can tell them:

  ‘I can see something’s bothering you. I’m here for you. Whenever it’s right for you to share, I’ll be here for you’.

  Saying this in a kind and compassionate way will give the message that you are there to be with them whenever it’s right for them.

  Cultivate curiosity

  Every episode of parent–child communication can be used to either empower children or to learn something new about them. In one of my lectures, I ask parents what they would say when their child asks: ‘Dad, why are the trees without leaves?’. They usually provide a long, reasonable and factual answer. Which is great. Yet there are other options. You could instead respond:

  ‘That’s an interesting question. What do you think?’

  You’ll be surprised to find that children have their own guesses for every question they come up with. They just need the space to explore, so if you can hold your answer for a little longer, you will learn something new about the way they think. Another option is to direct them to information in a book, or together you could look for an answer on the internet. Do this after they have provided their own answer. Aim to acknowledge their curiosity, and empower them!

  The license to “be”

  When you talk with your child, the message should be that they are okay as they are. That they make sense. If your child expresses sadness, anxiety or fear, make sure you have physical contact with them. This will help them feel more secure and safe. Sometimes a hug is worth more than comforting words, and your body language should express openness and willingness. What does that look like? A softened face, lots of eye contact, slow breathing and warm eyes. Let them talk, and do not interrupt.

  The message you are getting across is that they are allowed to feel what they feel and to express it in appropriate ways. We want to encourage, support, be kind and be respectful. We want to show that we care. We cannot do that if we are criticising or dismissing their feelings.

  “Thank you for telling me”

  Sometimes when children share with us how they feel, we have the urge to react. If it’s about us (they might tell you they were really upset when you yelled at them the previous day, or that they were sad when they heard you and your partner arguing), we often react by offering explanations, or reasons, or apologies. But when we do that, we shift the focus from how the child feels on to ourselves. Instead of doing this, try to reflect and mirror what you’ve heard your child say, and thank them for sharing their thoughts with you. Here’s an example:

  ‘I understand that yesterday you heard us argue and it made you sad. Is there more you want to tell me about that?’

  Mirror your child’s answer (repeat it back in your own words) and follow with:

  ‘Thank you for sharing with me how you feel.’

  And stop there! Think about it, digest it, and (if really necessary) address the matter with your child at a different time. From these small conversations you give your children the message that they can share how they feel in a safe way and that you are strong enough to deal with whatever it is with them. And in the future, when more challenging situations arise, sharing how they feel will have become second nature to them. Just remember to say:

  ‘Thank you for telling me. Now I know how you feel.’

  Language stimulations are good – but your approach is better

  Research on language development indicates that children do not learn vocabulary from so-called ‘stimulation’ of words and ideas. The children who have the widest vocabulary are those who were listened to the most by the adults around them. To stress this point, it isn’t how many words they hear that develops their language, but their use of words, their enjoyment of words and an appreciation of their power that keeps them in the memory. And this all relates to doing versus being – it’s not what you do with your child, it is how you are with them.

  The being is the most important thing for their development. Being calm and relaxed, enjoying your children’s presence and doing ‘nothing’ (not entertaining, correcting or educating them) is what matters. In truth, simply being present is the greatest gift you can give your child.

  Are your comments “expanding” or “closing”?

  When your child shares something wth you, whether it’s positive or challenging for him, your reaction can go either way, to expand or close the connection. By expand, I mean inviting your child to a new way of thinking, in a way that raises them up, with a comment that empowers their strengths and their self, that trusts their judgment and ability.

  The opposite is ‘closing’ the connection, which means saying something that humiliates them or puts them down, that questions their understanding or ability, or criticises their behaviour or character (But why did you do that? … How could you think that? … You don’t need to feel upset… It’s just the same – like last time ...). These are all examples of closing conversations. They invite defensiveness. In contrast, raising up – expanding – doesn’t include hidden criticisms, it simply reflects the child’s situation and opens a future possibility. Expanding options could include:

  ‘This sounds like a tricky situation. What would you like to do?’

  ‘How can I support you with this?’

  ‘I remember how you solved the problem with Rachel. What did you learn that might be helpful now?’

  LISTEN LONG

  (AND TALK SHORT)

  When children speak about negative feelings they encounter in a game or story, for instance, ask them what they would do if they have ever felt that way, and what they did, or might do, to make themselves feel better. This gives perspective to the challenging emotion, and brings it to the here and now. It can also highlight the fact that they coped well with this feeling in the past. If they share something positive, you could ask when they felt that way before, or when they made someone else feel that way. This empowers their ability to affect others. It’s also t
he place for sharing memories of your feelings from childhood – or now, as adults. Children love hearing about our experiences.

  The main point is to listen long and talk short. When parents listen to their children speaking about negative emotions such as loneliness, hurt and sadness, they often find it upsetting and consciously (or unconsciously) try to dismiss the child’s feelings (Oh, you don’t really hate your sister), or to fix things (Just don’t be her friend if this is how she makes you feel) or to come to the rescue (I’ll talk to him and your teacher about that!). None of these reactions invite children to explore how they feel in a safe way. You also want to help them to develop resilience; that is, the capacity to know that uncomfortable feelings can be survived – even if it’s not always easy.

  What I often hear from children (and from adults about their own childhoods) is that all they really wanted was to be heard by someone who cared enough. Children do not want you to save them, or to tell them what to do, or do anything, or to explain why things happen to them. They do not need you to have all the answers. They just want to know that you are there, with them, so they are not alone with their feelings.

  You can repeat what your child is saying to you, just to validate that you’ve understood what they wanted to express. Knowing they are not alone gives them the courage to cope with their feelings in a healthy way. As I said – talk short and listen long. And check what you said afterwards: When I talked, did I give advice and instructions? Did I show my understanding? For me, this process is especially challenging. At my clinic, people pay to hear my advice, but at home I need to keep my advice to myself! It is difficult, but it isn’t impossible!

  Mirroring and your child’s brain

  “A voice without echo dies”

  - Unknown source

  The well-known paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott said that the parent or main caregiver is the first ‘mirror’ of the baby. The baby sees himself in its parent’s face and expressions. But how does the baby know if this is how the parent feels, or whether it’s a reflection of the baby’s feelings?

  Parents usually exaggerate their expressions when reflecting their baby’s feelings. Take a look at the parents of babies and toddlers in the playground. When the baby giggles with happiness, the parent reflects this back, with extra expressions of happiness. When a toddler falls down and cries in pain, the parent mirrors their sadness with their face (unless it’s the type of parent who dismisses children’s feelings). This process of reflecting a child’s inner emotions, also known as ‘attunement’, has a strong influence on the developing brain. Attuned parents reinforce positive brain circuits. When parents don’t regularly reflect back emotions such as joy, whether through a lack of mirroring or because they disregard joyful behaviour, the patterns in the brain’s circuit for joy are not reinforced.

  What is important to know, as I discussed in an earlier chapter, is that the brain uses the same nerve pathways to create an emotion as it does to respond to the same emotion, thus if there isn’t enough attunement to joy, for example, then the child develops a passive reaction to joy.

  Attuned parents provide their baby’s brain with experiences that hardwire the inner feeling of joy. This regular mirroring strengthens the natural connections of the circuit so that babies learn how to create and experience joy for themselves. This starts really early in life, even before conscious memory begins, so every time you reflect back your child’s emotions, you truly are reinforcing appropriate and healthy connections in their brain.

  Mirroring is key to development of the self

  My sister-in-law sent me a clip of herself interacting with her four-month-old son. It was lovely to see the natural mirroring that she provided. He giggled and she giggled, he laughed and she laughed, he stopped laughing and she stopped laughing. As Winnicott states, a parent’s ability to know, represent, and mirror an infant’s experience back at them is fundamental to its capacity to represent and understand its own inner world. Unfortunately, parents somehow lose this ability as the child grows. At Imago, we believe that reflecting back the child’s experience is fundamental to his or her healthy development.

  ‘Mirroring’ means repeating their words as well as their energy, tone and expression, all with the intention of connecting and helping the child feel seen and heard. Appropriate mirroring results in the experience of ‘being seen’ and creates a sense of ‘I exist’.

  In the week ahead, look out for every opportunity to practice mirroring your children. It isn’t the same as ‘copying’ but involves reflecting aspects of their feelings, words and expressions. Some children will benefit most if you repeat every word they say, word for word, but some will prefer you to rephrase their words. Others will only require non-verbal mirroring, with empathic eyes, facial expressions and comments like:

  ‘Mmm ... I understand’.

  The goal is to practice mirroring your child until it feels as natural as it used to be between you. At Imago, we explain about the ideal dialogue between parents and children with the help of the acronym MOVE which stands for:

  M irror

  O ver (and over)

  V alidate

  E mpathise.

  After practising mirroring as described above, you can begin on the next level, which is validation.

  VALIDATION[3 for previous]

  Validating involves seeing the situation from your child’s perspective, so it makes sense that this is what they feel, say or do. After appropriate validation, your child experiences your understanding of their reality. Saying ‘You make sense ...’ doesn’t mean that you agree or experience the same perspective as them, or that you are going to permit whatever it is your child wishes, just that you acknowledge and validate their perspective. These are examples of validation:

  ‘It makes sense that you would prefer to play in the playground than go home!’

  ‘Of course you’d like to eat ice-cream all day!’

  EMPATHY

  Having empathy means acknowledging the emotional state of another person. When we try to speculate on how a child might be feeling, we help them feel connected – to themselves and to us – and understood. Expressing empathy looks like this:

  ‘I can imagine you might be feeling disappointed.’

  ‘I bet you’re feeling excited!’

  Note that the feelings do not need to be explained or justified – you can avoid reasons and simply name the emotion. Parents sometimes worry that they will miss the emotion or create an emotion that isn’t there, but I can assure you that most children will clarify what they are feeling. One mother told me ‘It didn’t work. I told him “Oh, I can imagine that you feel angry”’ and he said “No, I’m furious!”’. This shows that her child knew how he felt and made it perfectly clear to her. You don’t need to get the feeling right, which is why you offer a name for the feeling (I can imagine … I guess …) rather than a conclusion.

  Practising MOVE will help you master this skill. You’ll see a change in the energy and connection between you and your children when they feel noticed, existing, and seen. Don’t wait for challenges before you practise – as you will know by now, it is much more productive and effective to start mastering any parenting skill in problem-free situations so that you react more naturally when a problem arises.

  CHAPTER 7:

  TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO TRUST THEIR INSTINCTS

  “Your job as a parent is not to make your child’s way smooth, but rather to help her develop inner resources so she can cope.”

  - Ellyn Satter

  “Behind every young child who believes in himself is a parent who believed first.”

  - Matthew Jacobson

  Growing up means children have to make their own decisions, especially when they are not in the presence of their parents. Here I will discuss the ways young children can learn to trust their own judgement, so they are more likely to have the co
nfidence to go with their own instincts, rather than be swayed by pressure from their peers.

  “I am amazing!”

  One of the things my children learnt at nursery school was to acknowledge their strengths. Their teacher, Ruthie, started each day with a ‘registration’ song to welcome each child. Then every child put their right hand on the left side of their chests (where their hearts are), and Ruthie tapped her hand on her own heart and said: ‘I am kind’. The children followed her, tapping and saying ‘I am kind’. Then she said ‘I am …’ and waited for suggestions from the children. A child might say ‘I am brave’ and the rest would follow with ‘I am brave’, or ‘I am beautiful’, ‘I am strong’, ‘I am loved’ or ‘I am happy’.

  Isn’t this a lovely way to start the day? What I love about what Ruthie did is that she used this in many situations. When one child knocked over another’s tower of blocks, she reminded them ‘I am kind’ and everyone repeated the action and the words. When she told them a story and the character needed to be brave she reminded them ‘I am brave’ and they all imitated her. It very quickly brought a positive and encouraging energy to the room and to each child’s self. There’s no reason why we can’t bring this into our own family life. Why not to go off to sleep with ‘I am amazing!’?

  The magic of mistakes

  How many times a day do parents say ‘Be careful! … Stop! … Be careful with that plate! … Be careful of the table corner! … Be careful or you’ll fall!’ and so on. Sometimes, when we say ‘Stop!’ and ‘Careful!’ we take responsibility for a skill or knowledge that our children need to learn and master by themselves. When one of my children is close to a hot oven or running by a road, I say loudly and clearly: