Small Steps to Great Parenting

by Kalanit Ben-Ari

  ‘Careful. The oven is hot.’

  ‘Stop. It’s a busy road.’

  When they hear the word ‘careful’ or ‘stop’, they stand still. I take responsibility for that moment and for teaching them how to take care of themselves in the future. But we should only do this when our children are in significant danger, because we do not want to prevent them from developing their own abilities and awareness. After all, we’re not with them at school and we want them to learn the necessary skills to be safe without us, and to trust their own judgement. The next time your child is playing under the table and you can see they’re about to bang their head, say gently:

  ‘Erica, be aware of the table above your head’.

  This raises their awareness, but leaves them to judge what to do with the information. With this approach, they may experience some minor injuries, but we all know that there is no better way to learn than first-hand experience. We want our children to grow into adults who can trust their instincts and abilities, and this is one way that we can promote that.

  Indulge the inner artist (silently)

  Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up

  - Pablo Picasso

  When you watch your children drawing or painting, keep all your suggestions to yourself! Telling them which colour they need to use, or ‘correcting’ something they are painting from their imagination makes it your art and not theirs. When you next feel an urge to say something, just take a piece of paper and make your own art! And remember, we can all learn a thing or two from our little artists.

  Let them explore their own way

  I remember dropping my daughter off at nursery one morning and chatting with a friend of mine by the door, who had a very active four-year-old boy. She suddenly stopped talking when she noticed her son had put a chair up on to a table, and was clearly going to climb up so that he could look through a high window. She was just about to call out to him to say it was dangerous when the teacher, Ruthie (who I mentioned earlier), reached out and touched her hand and said:

  ‘I see him. If it becomes dangerous, I’ll tell him. He is just exploring and he is safe’.

  The boy, unaware of all the drama, climbed up on to the table and then the chair on top of it, had a quick look outside (the window was closed and safe) then clambered back down, put the chair back in its place and moved on to exploring the room. I tell you this because it reminds me that sometimes it is our fear that stands between us and letting our children be. In the name of protection, we say ‘No’ too many times during the day. Some ‘No’s are necessary, but others are more about our own concerns about social rejection, safety, inner anxiety, to name but some.

  I invite you to notice over the next few days how many times you intervene and stop your children from exploring. Observe each situation and decide whether to react, and how to react. Can you hold back your fears?

  Instilling independence

  ”It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them a successful human being”

  - Ann Landers

  Most parents want their children to be independent, and we can sow the seeds of emotional, physical and cognitive independence. What is important to understand is that everything independent starts as dependent. A climate of fulfilling a child’s emotional needs provides a safe and secure foundation for them to grow independence. Only when their emotional needs are fulfilled can children move on to ‘the next stage’ through trial and error. We want to create a positive spiral of self-belief and capability.

  When observing independent children, I see parents who do not jump in to do things for them. They hold back their reaction until – and only if – a child asks them to, or displays frustration. When your baby tries to discover what the purpose of a spoon is, just watch her, let her play with it – you don’t need to provide any answers. When your toddler is trying to figure out how to build a structure with building blocks, let him explore and find his own way. When your ten-year-old is trying to re-build an old radio, let her experiment and learn by trial and error. You can observe, but do less than you might be inclined to, and they will become more independent.

  It’s okay to fail

  Today’s parents are, in many cases, over-protective of their children. They don’t want to see their children feel bad about anything and try to protect them from negative emotions. But when children do not have the resources to cope with failure or negative emotions, they cannot really experience feeling good or capable.

  For example, Anna picked up Leo, her seven-year-old son, from a football match. He looked devastated, saying that his team had lost the game. Anna saw his reaction and couldn’t prevent herself from saying ‘But I saw you scored a goal! You did really well, you should be very proud’. Leo said, ‘But we lost. I don’t want to go to football anymore.’ Anna, trying her best to cheer him up, said, ‘Next time you might win! Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. You love football. Don’t worry about it’. Leo became quiet, feeling she didn’t understand him so there was no point in continuing.

  After learning about the effects of protecting children from negative feelings, Anna wanted to try a different tactic. It wasn’t long before she had a chance to practise it. Two weeks after this incident, she picked Leo up from a birthday party. He was sad that he hadn’t won the dancing competition. This is how the conversation went:

  Parent: ‘Hmmm, it looks like you really wanted to win this competition.’

  Leo: ‘Yes, I danced really well, and the prize was a huge chocolate egg.’

  Parent (realising that in the past she would probably have said ‘Well, I’ll buy you a chocolate egg!’ to try to protect him from the discomfort of his disappointment): ‘You feel you did your best and you really wanted that chocolate!’

  Leo (quiet for a couple of seconds): ‘Yes. But you know it’s only chocolate. The rest of the party was great fun!’

  The conclusion is that failure in itself is not a negative thing. Your job as a parent is not to protect your child from negative experiences. Your job is to support and encourage your child so they feel connected and brave enough to take on the challenge of trying again – to become resilient.

  By doing this, you increase their chances of success, and of feeling good when they do achieve their goals! In other words, your job is to support their engagement in the process, rather than encourage a particular result.

  A climate of honesty

  Do you believe that there’s a climate of trust and honesty in your family? Most parents immediately answer ‘Yes’ to this question, but I ask you: is that really so?

  How about the situations that I often hear parents discuss. Their child asks about ‘the noises’ emanating from their bedroom at night, and they say ‘We were moving the furniture’ or ‘What noise? Maybe it was a dream’. When their child comments on their emotional state, asking ‘Why are you sad mummy?/daddy?’ and they reply ‘It’s nothing’ or ‘I’ve been peeling onions’ or ‘I’m not sad’ (even when they are experiencing genuine sadness).

  Not to mention when parents manipulate an answer because they are afraid that an honest one will cause conflict. And the most common question of all ‘How do babies come to the world?’ often still gets the answer ‘The stork brings them’.

  You might say it’s an age appropriate thing, but I believe we can be honest with children of every age, although the information they get will be different. In the examples above, here are some options:

  ‘Mummy and daddy made love. I’m sorry it woke you up.’

  ‘I’m sad because Uncle Alex is not feeling well. But don’t worry about me – I can take care of myself.’

  ‘I’m upset because I had a row with a colleague at work. But this is an adult thing and I can take care of myself so don’t worry.’

  As for the last question, ab
out where babies come from, some parents get embarrassed, but you can say:

  ‘That’s a great question. We have a really good book that explains all about it. Let’s read it together.’

  I recommend How Did I Begin? by Mick Manning and Brita Granstrom. Using a book targeted at the child’s age group to explain subjects you find challenging can work well. With regards to age appropriateness – there is no age I would describe what positions we get into when we make babies!

  As with every subject, knowing what and how much to tell is key, but in all cases you can be both honest and truthful.

  Encouragement

  Encouragement is defined as ‘the action of giving someone support, confidence, or hope’. In other words, it is anything you say or do that increases another person’s self-worth. By encouraging a child, we strengthen their courage and trust in themselves and others. It doesn’t mean telling them what to do or how to do it. So when a child tries to dress themselves and finds it challenging, you can encourage them by pointing out their courage for trying in the first place:

  ‘I really appreciate you trying to do it all by yourself.’

  And by understanding their position:

  ‘It’s tricky to dress yourself, especially getting your arms through the sleeves! You’re almost there!’

  Or by offering sympathy and gentle tips:

  ‘I remember how tricky it was for me to get dressed when I was young! What helped me was to put the front of the top face down on the floor and start with my head. See what tricks help you and let me know’.

  Sometimes the encouragement comes long after the event. I remember when my five-year-old daughter was invited to the birthday party of a boy who didn’t go to the same school as her. Her excitement changed when she got there and realised she didn’t know any of the thirty children who were there. I stayed at the party, and she came to me from time to time for some security and encouragement. There was an entertainer who asked them to pair up with a partner, and she came back to me, looking puzzled. I said something like:

  ‘It’s tricky to find a partner when you don’t know any of the other children.’

  She looked around and found another ‘puzzled-looking’ girl and she joined up with her. This dance, between finding her place in a new group and coming to me for security, was perfectly understandable. The following night my husband and I were invited to a big party. While dancing together, he offered to bring some drinks, which I was happy about. But when he left I found myself dancing by myself surrounded by fifty people I didn’t know! I immediately thought about my daughter’s experience the previous day. The next morning I shared my experience with her, telling her that thinking about her courage helped me in my situation, and that, like her, I looked for someone else who was puzzled like me, and we danced together. As I said before, children love to hear about their parents’ experiences. These small moments of shared experience (age appropriate of course) provide a great source of encouragement, but encouragement can also consist of an empathic smile, a hug or a high five. Find your own way to encourage your child – as long as it is in line with the definition: the action of giving someone support, confidence, or hope.

  Am I spoiling my child?

  One of the most common questions I hear is ‘Am I spoiling my child?’. If you do something for your child that they already know how to do, or need to know by their age, then yes, you are spoiling them.

  But spoiling is not all negative. I can make myself a coffee, but I love it when my husband makes one for me. I know how to cook, but I love it when someone else takes care of it for me. We can and should spoil sometimes, but when spoiling is a dominant characteristic of a relationship and is accompanied by over-protectiveness, it limits the development of independence.

  Finding the balance with your children means being an authoritative parent. Authoritative parents are described thus on Wikipedia:

  They “often help their children to find appropriate outlets to solve problems.”

  They “encourage children to be independent but still place limits on their actions.”

  They “are not usually as controlling as authoritarian parents, allowing the child to explore more freely, thus having them make their own decisions based upon their own reasoning.”

  They “set clear standards for their children, monitor the limits that they set, and also allow children to develop autonomy.”

  They “expect mature, independent, and age appropriate behaviour of children.”

  “As a result, children of authoritative parents are more likely to be independent and self-reliant … successful, well liked by those around them, generous and capable of self-determination.”

  When we limit children’s independence by not providing opportunities (that is, by doing for them what they should do for themselves), we increase their sense of frailty when facing a challenge. They start to lose faith in their abilities at home and school. Remember what I said about sleeping with your child in the introduction to Part One? Well continuous experiences of this type will encourage an unhelpful dependence on the adults around them.

  Your task for this week is to make a list of all the things you believe your children should be able to do for themselves. Prioritise each item on the list and start encouraging them to do it.

  Constructive criticism is still criticism

  One of my weaknesses is my tendency to criticise others – and myself. For many years I believed that I provided constructive criticism but, frankly, I know that criticism remains criticism, no matter what words I attach to it. It took me a long time to realise that I can do my children a favour by keeping my criticisms to myself – or getting rid of them altogether! What’s the secret?

  There’s a book called How To Talk So Children Will Listen, in which the authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish helpfully suggest giving information or understanding instead of criticism (You needed to say … You should have done …).

  An example of giving information is when your child interrupts while you are working. You can say:

  ‘I need to concentrate when I work. When you talk to me, it interrupts my thinking and that means it will take me longer to finish my work. I don’t like it.’

  And an example of being understanding is when your child tells you something upsetting that happened to her with a friend:

  ‘I understand how this made you upset.’

  In my experience, and the experiences of many parents I work with, is that providing children with information and understanding – as opposed to criticism – is the fastest way for them to learn and take on responsibilities.

  It’s hard enough to be children these days, and on the whole they neither need nor benefit from adults’ criticisms. We want them to develop a positive self-image, and criticism hinders that.

  CHAPTER 8:

  THE DOWNSIDE OF PRAISE

  So what should we say when children complete a task – say, math problems – quickly and perfectly? Should we deny them the praise they have earned? Yes. When this happens, I say, “Whoops. I guess that was too easy. I apologize for wasting your time. Let’s do something you can really learn from!”

  - Carol S. Dweck

  Here I will explore the most effective ways to use praise, as well as its potential pitfalls.

  The downside of praise

  Sometimes the areas in which we praise our children the most are where our greatest expectations are hiding. These days, parents tend to over-praise their children, possibly as a result of the competitive culture we live in – as a way to soften the pressure. But not all children react the same way to praise. Some find it encouraging, while others see it as an ‘expectation’ for the next time – they may think it’s too risky to try again. In the same way you would probably quite like to quit after getting exceptional feedback from your boss, rather than risk failing to meet expectations again.

  Your child
may feel pressure like this from being praised – their reaction to praise will tell you about their confidence. Here’s the tip:

  Try to reduce praise for results with comments like ‘Wow! Amazing drawing’ and ‘Well done for getting ten out of ten on the test’ and appreciate the process they went through instead, by reflecting on their determination, their courage to try, their patience, and their motivation.

  When you describe what you see without judgement, you encourage the child to keep going. For example:

  ‘You drew all these little details with lots of patience.’

  ‘I saw how hard you studied for that exam.’

  ‘I really like it when you try new types of food.’

  The “I worked hard!” way

  Once a day or once a week, maybe at the end of the day, celebrate hard work by playing this game with your child. It goes like this:

  Parent: ‘I worked hard today/this week for —’ (something you feel proud of yourself for)

  Parent and child (loudly and with great energy): ‘Well done, mummy/daddy, well done!’ (give energetic congratulations and hugs)

  Child: ‘I worked hard today/this week for —’ (whatever they are proud of)

  Parent and child (loudly and with great energy): ‘Well done, Ethan! Well done!’ (energetic congratulations and hugs)

  Here, the emphasis is on the effort, not the accomplishment. For example, I can be proud of working hard to be on time, working hard to understand a problem at work, working hard to concentrate on a task, or working hard to make sure I have time for myself. You will notice the first couple of times you do this, your children will imitate you. But with practise and time, they will bring their own ideas and achievements.