Small Steps to Great Parenting

by Kalanit Ben-Ari

  How is it so easy to ignore a whole page?

  It reminds of the times I ask parents during an initial consultation session about their child’s strengths. Many answer briefly, then give a long description of what needs to be changed. It’s like it’s easier to notice and remark on the negative than on the positive. To make a change you need to change your focus.

  Your child, like you, has many parts. Speak to the better part.

  It’s not what you say, it’s the way that you say it!

  You can hear a piece of music that has no words and have a powerful emotional reaction to it – of sadness or fear, relaxation or joy. Do you know that there is also a rhythm to your words? The way you use your tone of voice, the pace of your speech, and the words you use all send important messages to your child.

  One of the mothers in my parenting groups, Elena, said of her three-year-old son: ‘I said all the right things but he was still very aggressive’.

  I suggested doing role play – her playing herself and another mother from the group playing her son, Jed. When we asked the Jed-mother how she felt afterwards, it became clear there was a disconnect between Elena’s words and tone. She used a very apologetic approach and came across as a parent who was not secure. Her words communicated that the behaviour was not acceptable although they spelled out acceptable options for Jed to express how he felt, but her tone of voice gave a different message. It was how she said it. She gave the impression she was afraid or desperate, unsure of her approach, or uncomfortable telling him off.

  We experimented with different tones of voice until her ‘non-symbolic’ communication was in line with her message. The following week, she reported that now just the way she looked at her son made a difference.

  Does your non-symbolic communication fit the messages you’re trying to convey? Are you being congruent – in sync?

  The wolf of the heart

  In this Native American story a grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt.

  Grandfather: ‘I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is a vengeful, angry, violent one. The other is a loving, compassionate one.’

  Grandson: ‘Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?’

  Grandfather: ‘The one I feed.’

  CHAPTER 13:

  TRANSITIONS: CHANGE FROM THE CHILD’S PERSPECTIVE

  Transitions themselves are not the issue, but how well you respond to their challenges!

  - Jim George

  Here the focus is on the ways that you can support your children in day-to-day ‘transitions’ which include things like separation anxiety, moving house or school, and having to stop playing to go out somewhere.

  Mood music

  Music is the shorthand of emotion

  —Leo Tolstoy

  Where words fail, music speaks

  —Hans Christian Andersen

  When you want to change the atmosphere or energy at home, use music! It could be a vibrant, high-energy one, or one you know that brings a smile to your children’s faces in the morning. Likewise, use calming, (yoga-style) music before bedtime or when you want them to ‘slow down’ after a high-energy activity. Did you know, you can also play music to help your children move from one emotional mood to another? If your child comes home stressed from school – play something relaxing. Low self-esteem? Choose age-appropriate songs with empowering words. Music works in two ways – when you feel something, you can play music to deepen and connect with that emotion, or when you want to change the way you feel, you can play music that will ‘take you there’. Whatever way you make use of music, play it on a regular basis at home.

  Touch points ease transition

  Hugging and touching children during the day’s main point of transition can help reduce their anxiety. Appropriate and healthy touch heals. Try to make it a part of your routine to hug, cuddle, kiss, or just touch their shoulder (with avoidant teens), when waking up in the morning, before one of you leaves the house, when you reunite, and before bedtime. All these points in the day have the potential to create anxiety, so introducing a ‘comfort touch’, even for seconds, can create a big difference.

  Changing the channel

  When you want to move from one activity to another, especially from a high-energy activity to a more relaxing one (such as dinner or bath), use this game to help your children concentrate.

  Tell them to be very, very, quiet because you’re going to open the window or door and they need to listen very carefully because when you close it, they will need to tell you all the things they heard.

  Do it twice in a row, giving them enough time to pick up on different sounds – two or three minutes each time.

  Now your children are ready to shift activity.

  Raising resilience

  There is a metaphor about waves and water. If you are a wave there is a fear you will disappear. If you understand that you are the water, then you have no fear. The wave passes, but the water stays.

  Some children have a fear of change – going from a small class into the lunch hall with the whole school; leaving home to go to school each morning; moving house or starting a new afterschool club. How can we help our children understand that they are the water? How we can help them develop resilience – the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties?

  Many of the tips in this book develop resilience. but I’d like to give you a specific one here to use when your children are anxious about a change:

  Simply remind them of a similar situation in the past which they coped successfully with.

  Maya noticed her daughter was concerned about starting a new art class. She said: ‘It can be scary to start a new class where you don’t know the other children. I remember how last weekend you made new friends in the playground. You were less than five minutes in the playground and you came back with a lovely friend! She was shy and you had the courage to go to her and offer to play’.

  I like to remind my daughter of her courage to go on the rollercoaster again and again. When parents remind their children of situations in which they have shined, it forms an inner image that helps them see the situation as a wave. It will pass. And their qualities or courage, patience, or whatever, will (like the water) stay and be integrated as part of who they are.

  Create a mantra

  To help children with separation anxiety, I recommend parents create a sentence with them and repeat it in every similar situation. For example, when separating for a night’s sleep, they can develop their own mantra – something along the lines of:

  ‘Good night, sweet dreams, I love you very much, kiss-kiss, see you in the morning.’

  And you say it as well. With time, it becomes a code for safe separation because when it is repeated they get a sense of control.

  The same can be done with a child who finds it difficult to separate when going to school.

  ‘Have a lovely day, I’ll think about you and see you at pick up’.

  You may have noticed that I end the sentences with the reunion – morning or pick up – in order to indicate a limit to the separation period for them and provide an anchor for safety. Having an end to the separation makes it easy to contain.

  Breathe easy

  Obviously we all breathe, but not necessarily in a conscious way. In my clinic, I teach children with anxiety or anger issues how to breathe using cottonwool or a feather. First, I demonstrate by modelling and then invite them to join in.

  I explain that we’re going to breathe fully into our belly (touching my belly with two hands), chest (moving my hands to my chest) and throat (placing my hands on my throat and taking a breath in).

  Next, we bring our hands with the cottonwool (or feather) very close to our mouths and exhale very slowly so that the cottonwool (or feather) doesn’t move at all!

  We repeat it five to seven times, and the child gets great sense of calm and relaxation.


  Teach this at a quiet time and invite your children to keep the cottonwool (or feather) and practice whenever they feel the need. They can use it before going to sleep, when they feel angry or when they just want to relax.

  Morning with Buddha

  One of my clients said that every morning, after breakfast, she and her two little children sit on the carpet and make an ‘Ohmmmm…’ sound for several minutes.

  This is such a creative way to give the body positive vibrations and can lead to a calm start to the day. She said that although it takes them a couple of minutes to perform, they like the feeling that follows, and they are more focused and proactive.

  For some children, and adults, doing things like breathing or ‘Ohmmmm…’ makes them laugh. But laughter is energy! Welcome it when it happens as your children learn the new skill. It might relate to nervousness, embarrassment, or simply because it’s funny for them.

  Tell them to laugh as much as they want! Let them expand their energy and joy.

  Is it normal?

  Many of the parents who come to see me describe their children’s behaviour and ask ‘Is that normal?’. Most of the time, my answer is ‘Yes’. Interestingly, the issue is usually related to one of two emotions: anxiety or over-excitement. In the case of anxiety, or fear, it’s not enough to ‘fix’ the behaviour because the behaviour is not the problem. It’s merely a symptom.

  Children react in ways that look strange to us for any number of reasons. However, on a deeper level, the theme for all is the feeling of disconnection with their caregiver or parent. Understanding things from their point of view, and helping them to express how they feel in the appropriate and healthy way – while still being in connection with them – is the solution. Don’t label anything as abnormal (You’re not behaving like a normal boy!), rather, talk with them about the pain they’re experiencing – without giving it a name (normal or otherwise). Just say:

  ‘I can see that you are very upset’.

  Don’t assume you know your child, either. In their reality, their behaviour makes sense. Even if some of the time you decide to ignore their negative behaviour, be aware that the underlying issue still needs to be addressed.

  You will find many techniques in this book, and online, but if you feel that there’s no improvement, please don’t wait. Look for a local parent advisor or therapist who can guide you. It is normal for a jealous, frustrated or sad child to say hurtful things or behave inappropriately for their age. Does it make a difference that it’s normal? No. They need your help and support either way.

  Talk about expectations

  ‘We can’t go with him to a restaurant. He doesn’t sit still, makes lots of noises, runs around, disturbs everyone around us. It’s so embarrassing that we regret leaving the house’, said Emma. She was desperate, and like many parents I see in my clinic, she identified a specific place that her child finds it challenging to accommodate.

  What is really helpful in these situations is to prepare children in advance for the wanted behaviour. For example, taking advantage of the drive or walk to the restaurant, Emma could tell her son that they’re going to eat out and ask how he thinks it will be sensible to behave when they’re there. She could also encourage him to say what he can do – as opposed to what he can’t do. He could bring a book or something to colour in. They could use the time between the order and serving to share about their day, or make up stories together. Even suggesting a run-around before or after the restaurant (on the way there or back) would allow him to release some energy. This will be especially useful for children transitioning from a quiet activity.

  It’s like having a relationship with an adult – preparation and talking about expectations can make a huge difference.

  Present the dilemma

  Instead of getting locked into a power struggle with your children, you can try using the ‘present the dilemma’ approach. Rather than saying ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ to complicated requests, you can start an open and respectful dialogue that describes both sides of your dilemma. The following are examples. For a child who finds it difficult to leave play dates:

  Child: ‘Mum, can I go for a play with Simon today?’

  Parent: ‘I’m happy for you to go. We also need to be at home by five-thirty for a delivery. How do you think we can work it out?’

  For a teenager who is becoming more independent:

  Child: ‘Dad, can I go with my friends to a party?’

  ‘Parent: I have a dilemma. On one hand, I’d like you to have fun with your friends. On the other, I need to know you’re safe. What do you suggest we do?’

  By inviting your children to be part of the solution, as explained previously, you can often avoid unnecessary conflict and encourage their ability to cooperate and make positive choices.

  CHAPTER 14:

  ROUTINE RULES

  “Routine is liberating; it makes you feel in control.”

  - Carol Shields

  When you have a routine, you have good habits. When you have good habits, you have a peaceful state of mind! Here I will explore many ways for you to establish exactly that. In every lecture, there are parents who express their tiredness, frustration and helplessness when dealing with the early morning routine before school or in the evenings before bedtime. Let’s introduce some order in the home using some simple and effective tips to make it a little easier.

  Set up for success

  Find a good time for you and your children (when you’re all fed, rested and relaxed), to share that you don’t feel good when everyone is stressed in the morning before going to school. Tell them briefly how you feel when you leave the house that way and that you assume it doesn’t feel good for them either. They’ll hear only a few sentences and then their minds will wander off – so choose your words carefully. You could ask them how they feel about it. Then explain that they’re big enough to be responsible for being ready in the morning and that you want to do some fun activity together to help everyone feel good when they leave the house.

  On a piece of paper invite them to write (do the writing for them if they can’t yet) or draw what needs to be done in the morning. Give them space and time to bring their own wisdom. They might list things in a different order to the one you have in mind, and may include activities such as playing, watching TV and eating. Don’t interfere. Then work together to agree and order their priorities. Still together, create a large poster-sized piece of card and list all the tasks in the agreed order. Again, encourage them to be very active in making it. Tell them that from now on, in the morning, they need to check the list to make sure that they’ve completed all of the agreed tasks before doing other activities on the list, like playing.The next morning, when your child switches on the TV out of sequence, you say:

  ‘I see that you’ve already brushed your teeth. Go and check on your list what else we need to do before watching TV’.

  Some children like to add a check sign to every activity they completed. Regardless, it becomes their responsibility, not yours. The same process can be applied for bedtime.

  Silence the screens

  Many parents’ challenges during the morning and evening routines are the result of ‘screen time’. Eliminating screen time on TV, iPads, smart phones, computers, etc. during these times can solve a host of problems. In the mornings, children enter a different world when they watch screens, and with their attention fixed like that it can be very challenging to get them to complete all their morning tasks in the rush to school.

  There are even more reasons why it isn’t healthy for children to have screen time in the evening, before bedtime. We now know that it causes children to have less deep sleep, poorer concentration the following day, more bad dreams, and an overall higher level of anxiety and aggressiveness. For one thing, it’s over-stimulating for the brain, and children find it challenging to neutralise and calm themselves down for a good night’s sleep. From the time y
ou start the bedtime routine (dinner, shower, etc.), leave the screens out of reach.

  Waking up with music

  In my home there is a sign for getting dressed in the morning. At eight o’clock I play a song – a different one each day. The music is the sign that it’s time to get dressed, brush our teeth and come for breakfast. This is one of our habits I appreciate the most. No arguments, no one needs to be the policeman, there’s no dragging around, asking over and over again. Music, clothes, teeth, then arriving at breakfast together. If we finish our breakfast early, we have time to play, read a story, dance or plan our day.

  You might read this and say: that won’t happen in my house! A response that reminds me of the quote of unknown source: ‘It’s impossible,’ said Pride. ‘It’s risky,’ said Experience. ‘It’s pointless,’ said Reason. ‘Give it a try,’ whispered The Heart.

  So give it a try! You need to introduce the idea at a relaxed time during the day, not in the morning. Explain that you heard about how nice is it to wake up in the morning with music playing, and add:

  ‘Because you are big and capable, you don’t need me as your policeman. The music will be our code – when you hear the music, you just need to dress, brush your teeth and come for breakfast. Is there a song you prefer to hear first? Do you want to practice this now or in the morning?’

  You will still need to encourage them during the first few days, however with positive and effective encouragement you will be on the right track for easy and stress-free mornings.