Small Steps to Great Parenting

by Kalanit Ben-Ari

  Where do you have passion? Where do you feel in your zone? Maybe it’s something you liked to play when you were young, or something you have always wanted to try but haven’t found the time. It might be something related to your profession. An architect couple once told me they loved taking their children to ‘architecture for children’ activities.

  You all have strengths in your personality. So find those positive traits and use them to help you cope with challenges. Are you very comfortable with hugs? Then offer them in difficult situations. Do you have a great sense of humour? Use it to lighten up a situation (but never with sarcasm or at your children’s expense). Are you a very sporty person? Offer to do activities with your children Whatever your strengths are, let them shine.

  The future is now

  I’d like to invite you to see the future, to look at the Big Picture. If in twenty years’ time, your child turns to a therapist for support in a challenging time, what do you think they will say about you? How will they remember you from when they were young? What do you think they will say was the most important thing to you back then, as a parent and as a person?

  Now come back to the present. It is your present. If change is needed, it’s never too late! Consider how you can be more of the parent you want them to remember you as.

  What would that look like?

  What would you do that is different?

  Is your behaviour loving and accepting of who your children are, with their strengths and weaknesses, in their joyful moments and frustrating ones?You can be the parent you want them to remember if you start now.

  Rewrite the script

  In between every action and reaction, there is a space. Usually the space is extremely small because we react so quickly, but take notice of that space and expand it. Be aware in that space that you have a choice to make. You can choose how to respond, and choose wisely, because the next step you take will teach your child how to handle anger and could either strengthen or damage your relationship

  - Rebecca Eanes

  You’re the main actor in a show. Which show, you ask? The show of Your Life. You have developed scripts for this show that you and your children adopt again and again. You each know how it’s going to start, what follows what, and how it’s going to end up. If you’re not happy about your script, you – as the parent – hold the responsibility to change it.

  The key is to understand that some of your reactions – whether they are avoiding or overreacting – put more petrol on the fire, while others help to subdue the flames.

  You don’t communicate core values when you are ‘reactive’. Understanding that you don’t need to react immediately to a child’s behaviour is very empowering. You can control your reaction, and face the issue at another time, when you’ve had time to digest the situation, gain some clarity, and plan your actions calmly. Then rewrite your script with an act of connection.

  Mirror your children’s thoughts and feelings (Chapter 6); acknowledge their frustration; offer a hug. This won’t only help them in the moment, but actually creates the script for the future.

  Search the positive past

  Sometimes we’re so concerned about giving our children what we never had growing up, we neglect to give them what we did have growing up

  - James Dobson

  We all bring some unmet needs and longing to our parenting experience, but let’s not forget all the good experiences as well. What did you love about your parents and family when growing up? What would you like to pass down to the next generation? Even negative experiences (I’m not talking about traumatic events) helped develop some of your personality strengths. Tony Robbins, the American businessman, author and philanthropist says:

  ‘I’m not saying not to blame your parents. But blame them for the positive things as well.’

  This balance is healthy, not just for your children, but for you too. We want our children to look at us in thirty years time with compassion. Our parents did their best with the knowledge, emotional intelligence, and life experiences they had, and they did much better than their parents! We’re doing much better than them! And our children will do even better than us. So remember the positive as well.

  Caring for the caregiver

  The most important thing that parents can teach their children is how to get along without them

  - Frank A. Clark

  I believe that everything we do as parents in an exaggerated way (being overprotective, overly strict, overfeeding, etc.) is, in some way, a compensation for feelings of some lack we experienced in a different aspect of our own life. Diane came to see me regarding her eight-year-old daughter’s ‘restless’ energy during the day. She acknowledged that she is an overprotective mother. I asked about the child’s sleeping habits, and was told that she slept with Diane because her father travelled a lot – and Diane admitted to being afraid of sleeping by herself. Slowly she came to realise that it was her need for emotional and physical closeness – not her daughter’s. Her daughter was more then ready to sleep by herself, and when she began doing so, it improved her energy during the day and enabled her to be more independent in other areas of life. Diane needed to expand her support system with other adults.

  Can you recognise any areas of parenting that you deal with in an exaggerated way? Maybe today is the day to start achieving a balance.

  What are your core needs? Are you fulfilling those needs with other adults, perhaps a partner, a friend or someone in your family?

  How can you take care of yourself so that it won’t be at your child’s expense?

  When the problem becomes the pattern

  If you really want a change in the family dynamic, but find it very difficult to change the way you react, it might be because you are too attached to the problem. If you think about it, and cognitively understand what needs to be done to improve the situation, then why is it so hard? What’s in the way between you and making the changes you want? What keeps you attached to old ideas and behaviours?

  I can tell you what. In many cases, there is some unconscious reason for the ‘stuckness’. Your behaviour serves your old, learned patterns of parenting or connecting. Try to write down the problem. What do you understand and what would you like to improve about it? Now imagine thirty years from now: your child comes to you for parenting advice about the exact same problem you wrote down. What would you tell them? How do you guide or advise them?

  This is your inner wisdom. You know what needs to be done. Use that wisdom and do it now.

  Taking a look at timing

  Children are our second chance to have a great parent–child relationship

  - Laura Schlessinger

  We were on holiday with friends. My daughter, then seven and a half, challenged me like never before! I was very reactive at that time and not able to connect with her. Even now, years later, when I remember it, the pain, sadness and regret of that episode hits me hard. Several days later afterwards, I explored with my husband what really happened. Why did my usually easy, positive relationship with her start to challenge me at that precise moment? We were the same mother and daughter, so what happened?

  I remembered the Imago theory that says we often experience a challenge in parenthood when our child is at an age when we ourselves were wounded, or stuck, by a lack of connection. Then I remembered that when I was seven and a half, my little brother was born, and in the same month, we also moved to a bigger house, and my beloved grandma became ill and died. With all these significant life-changing events, one assumes I was not the focus, to say the least.

  I understood that something about the lack of my parent’s availability at that age was replicated by my difficulty being present and available to my child’s emotional need at the same age. So what did I do? With my husband’s support, I went back to the basics of positive parenting. It’s all in Part One of this book.

  Mirror image

  Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but
they have never failed to imitate them

  - James Baldwin

  Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you

  - Robert Fulghum

  We expect a lot from our children today, but unfortunately we don’t always provide a good example. Your child learns from you long before they start speaking. They observe everything! Even things you might not be aware that you’re doing – facial expressions, tone of voice, body posture.

  Do you want your child to be more respectful, polite, present and patient?

  Then have a look at what you’re modelling. Your children don’t learn from what you tell them, but from what they see.

  If you tell them not to lie and then tell your partner to answer the phone and say you’re not at home, your child learns to lie! Then you say ‘It’s not good to lie’! Some parents complain about their children being glued to their screens, but look at their smart phones constantly (even during sessions and workshops)!

  When you ask a stranger to bring you something, you probably say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, but do you do the same at home when you ask your partner for a glass of water. Do you take such help for granted?

  When you shout ‘Don’t shout!’ at our children, what do they really hear?

  How many times have you promised something, but not followed up on it? What do your children learn? They learn: ‘You can say but not do.’Many parents come to me when they see some behaviour they don’t like in themselves in their children. It’s like a mirror – and now they can see themselves.

  The good news is, what we can see – we can change.

  Be the model.

  CHAPTER 12:

  THE ECHO OF YOUR WORDS

  “Children are educated by what the grown-up is and not by his talk.”

  - Carl Jung

  This chapter gives priceless insights into the words that parents tend to use over and over again, that often lead to power struggles in the family, rather than fostering connections.

  “Yes”, “No” or “Maybe so”

  Every parent is familiar with the situation where their child asks for something and the ‘No’ answer is going to open an endless conflict. You have your own reasons for that answer, whether your child’s needs conflict with your own, or for other boundary-related reasons. Next time this happens, remember that you don’t have to answer with a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. The magic words can be:

  ‘You are asking for a biscuit now. Hmmm, let me think about that’.

  This gives you time to consider, and sends the message that you take the request seriously, which respects the child and helps if there is a ‘No’ answer later). At that moment it prevents any conflict. Try it. It works!

  “I told you so”

  You told your son not to climb on a box. One second later, he fell from the box. What do you say? What is your instinctive response? Most parents say, ‘I told you so!’ I’d like to offer a different response. It’s not about right or wrong, or about the ‘I know’ attitude. Children were born with curiosity to try things out their own way. When they are hurt, hug them softly and say:

  ‘It’s not nice to fall like that’ and ‘What will help you? Maybe a kiss?’

  Later on that day, talk with them about what you expected when you told them not to do the thing that hurt them. Remember, when children get older and choose to do something against your recommendation (like dating an undesirable partner!), you still want to be there for them in case they are emotionally hurt. Knowing from an early age that their parents usually say ‘I told you so!’ produces teenagers who look for comfort elsewhere.

  We want to be there for them! Start now.

  The frequency of “No”

  Children hear a great deal of the word ‘No’ during their day (No picking your nose … No speaking with your mouth full … No jumping here … No running … No balls in the house) and that’s okay because they need to hear it from time to time. The problem is that when children (or adults!) hear too many ‘No’s it can create resentment and a power struggle. Sometimes you can just say ‘No’, but many times you can frame it differently.

  ‘Mum, can I go and play now?’‘Yes, after we all clear the table.’

  ‘Dad, can we play football outside?’‘Yes, after we tidy up the Monopoly.’

  ‘Can I have a story?’‘Yes, you’ve had your bath so all you have to do now is brush your teeth.’

  Can you see the difference?

  Good and bad – there’s no such thing

  There’s no such thing as a ‘bad boy’ or a ‘bad girl’ or ‘not a good child’. There is a child who feels badly or who does not feel good about himself or herself. I often hear new mothers say things like ‘She’s a good baby. She doesn’t cry a lot. She sleeps at night.’ Does this mean that a baby who cries, for reasons of colic or hunger, is a ‘bad baby’?

  This language of ‘bad’ and ‘good’ doesn’t stop at the toddler years. One mother who came to see me explained that her twelve-year-old son was the ‘bad child’ in his class and the head teacher called her about him bullying others. There is no doubt he needed to learn limits and how to show empathy towards others and take responsibility for his actions, however, on an emotional level, it seemed clear that he didn’t feel good about himself.

  I explored this idea with his mother. She explained that he was overweight and that a family member called him ‘fat’; and his father had left them a year before things kicked off at school. It wouldn’t be enough to address only on his limits, boundaries and empathy – the mother and the school need to work together to help him feel better about himself.

  Children who feel good about themselves make others feel good in their presence.

  When it’s not about love

  Is this scene familiar to you?

  Parent: ‘Why did you do it? I asked you three times not to!’

  Child: ‘You don’t love me!’

  Parent: ‘Of course I love you.’

  Child: ‘No you don’t! You love her more.’

  Parent: ‘I love you a lot, even when I am angry.

  Child: ‘No you don’t.’

  Parent: ‘Of course I love you. You’re my son!’

  Note how easily children can turn the parent’s attention away from their behaviour to being defensive about how much they’re loved. Yes, they are clever! And they read us like an open book. Next time, you can say:

  ‘We’re not talking about love now. We can talk about that later, if you want. Now we’re talking about your behaviour. I asked three times for something and I expect you to listen.’

  Can you see the difference?

  A mistake or bravery?

  I was on my way to work when I saw in the distance a young toddler who, in an attempt to walk by himself, tumbled and fell. By the time I passed them, his mother (or nanny), who was probably frustrated because he was still crying after she hugged him, held his hand and told him, ‘I told you to hold my hand, honey. You need to think before you do things.’ And they kept walking together while the toddler still cried. What did she actually tell him?

  The hidden message was ‘You’re not capable. You need me. You don’t think before you do things. Don’t trust your instincts. Falling is your fault’.

  How about saying this instead:

  ‘It hurts when we fall. Do you want a hug? It was very brave to walk by yourself.’

  And the message now:

  ‘You are brave. It can hurt. (Some connection might help e.g. a hug) It’s good to follow your instincts.’

  This week, be mindful about what comes out of your mouth. Are you seeing and communicating mistakes or encouraging bravery?

  Speak words of trust

  Let’s see if the words you use are in line with the message you want to pass on to your children. Your child forgets to take some homework to school, even though yo
u said endless times ‘Don’t forget your homework. Put it in your bag now – if you don’t you’ll forget it’. What do you say? Many parents say ‘I told you to put it in the bag. I knew this would happen.’

  And if the same child, the following week, did all of his homework for once – without you telling him – what would you say? Many parents would be surprised, pleased and proud, but then say with surprise, ‘Wow! I can’t believe it! You did it by yourself! Well done!’

  Now, consider the messages behind these sentences. The message behind the first one is: ‘I knew this was going to happen. I didn’t trust you to do better’. And the message behind the second is: ‘I’m really surprised you did that. I didn’t expect you to do better’. I’d like you to try to be aware of messages like this, and change them.

  When your children don’t do well – be surprised! As if to say it’s not in line with their ‘better’ self.

  And when they do well, acknowledge it, but with the confidence rather than surprise, and show that you know that was what you expected from them, because you know they can handle their responsibilities. No surprise there!In both situations, we must hold the image of the better side of our children, so they can see themselves like that as well.

  Speak to the “better self”

  There is a famous exercise in which you show people a blank page with a small black dot in the middle of it and ask them what they see. Most people say ‘a black dot’. Few mention the white page.