Fighting My Affections

by Elizabeth Wills

  Shaking my head, it’s a request for her not to touch me. Thankfully she understands and nods in acceptance, but with that she’s gone. The situation too much for her to handle, I guess.

  I feel relieved with her absence. Now I’m able to concentrate on the dire situation at hand. My boy needs to wake up, shake my hand, and tell me how much I fucked up during my first fight back in the cage. I want to hear his laughter, see his smile, and know this is just a small bump in the road but all will be okay.

  Shit, I would even forgive Riley for him if he came back to me no less of a man than he woke up as this morning. His recovery from this is the most important thing to me right now. I haven’t been able to breathe right since Mase fell unconscious.

  I sit for a few minutes, watching him lie there, unmoving, and listen to the sound of the machines. He’s still sedated and they aren’t sure when he’ll wake up. They won’t even begin to try until tomorrow, from what I understand, and it feels like one day will be an eternity.

  Standing, I stare at him another moment. I need some fresh air. I wish there was more I could do besides stand here weakly and rely on strangers to make sure he’s okay, but I’m helpless in this.

  Walking out of his room, I pull the curtain back as quietly as I can, and as I step out, I see Ellie, Mase’s nurse.

  “I know it’s hard to see your friend like that, but I promise we will take very good care of him. I’ve seen many people with these types of injuries make a full recovery,” she says.

  I can tell she means what she says. There’s just a tone to her voice that makes me believe it. “Thank you.”

  The main hall outside of Mase’s unit is full of voices and commotion. Such a contrast to where he’s at. These halls are full of life, while Mase and the other patients in his area cling to theirs. It seems unfair.

  That’s life though, right? Shit, I spent four years in a jail cell from charges that should have never been pressed against me. My life flipped upside down, and I lost a future I worked hard to build. My savings spent on lawyers I should have never needed. Trusting everything will be okay is hard for me, but I have to believe that my boy will be all right. I don’t want to think of a life without him.

  The exit doors slide open in front of me. I take in a deep breath. The brisk night air is refreshing, but does little to calm me. City noises surround me but that’s not what catches my attention. The soft cry of a woman meets my ears. Looking around, I don’t see her at first, but then I notice her sitting on a bench, facing away from me.

  She shouldn’t be out here alone and even though I could use some time out here, I make my way toward her to take her back inside.

  “Riley,” I call out to her.

  Her shoulders tense at the sound of my voice. I wait a moment for her to acknowledge me but she remains frozen in her seat.

  I take a few more steps in her directions. “Why don’t you come back inside? It’s not …”

  Suddenly she stands, turning to face me. “I’m fine, Jon. Please go back inside. I’ve been on my own for a long time. I’ll be okay.”

  She’s speaking to me gently, but it’s hard to miss the disdainful tone on those three little words, “on my own.” Is she mad at me? Even if she is, do I care? Honestly, I’m not sure it matters right now, but my peaceful escape has turned into anything but.

  Deciding to swallow my pride and resentment, I ignore her tone and walk over to grab her hand. Her hand fits into mine like it’s been there for years. It’s like no time has passed. Her hand in mine is familiar and calming. I need to focus on this. We don’t need more stress right now. All of our other problems can wait until another time. Right now we need to focus on what’s important. Mase.

  “Come on, Ri, we need to be strong. Mase needs us. I’m sorry if I upset you. Let’s go back inside.” I pull her along and thankfully she follows without a fight.

  Fourteen

  Riley~present day

  It took Mase over twenty-four hours to open his eyes, but that moment will stay with me for the rest of my life. I swear it was just as amazing as when they laid Kiley in my arms for the first time.

  It’s been over an hour since he woke, but Jon has yet to come back up from grabbing a bite to eat. They started to wean Mase off of his sedation hours ago. Jon sat silently in the chair next to mine for as long as I assume he could tolerate. His legs were jumping and bouncing all over as we waited, and without a word, he walked out.

  The doctor and a nurse are in with Mase now, evaluating him and considering what other tests he may need to undergo. I just left his room and I’m headed back out to the family waiting area.

  “Riley, excuse me,” Mase’s nurse, Ellie, calls to me.

  Turning around, I silently acknowledge her.

  There’s a timid smile on her lips and I can’t tell if it’s out of sadness or joy. “I’m glad he’s awake. This is a good sign. Are you headed to find your boyfriend? I’m sure he’ll love to hear the news.”

  “Oh, he’s not…” I fall short on my words, remembering when Jon had been just that. Thinking better of correcting her, I leave it be. I don’t want to get into a discussion on who’s who and how we all fit in together. “I’m just on my way to find him.”

  Ellie’s smile grows wider at my response, and she’s still smiling as she walks back into Mase’s room.

  Walking back into the family waiting area, I find Jon sound asleep in a chair. Shaking him gently, I try not to startle him.

  “Jon,” I whisper near his ear.

  He stirs a little, but doesn’t wake up. I try again, just as gentle as the first time.

  “Ri Bug, please don’t,” Jon mumbles.

  I freeze at the sound of my nickname on his lips. Something that started as a joke, turned into something special between the two of us. At least for me. I can still remember the flutters in my stomach every time he would whisper my nickname in the middle of the night.

  Pushing past the feelings from thinking of back then, I shake him a little harder this time. After a couple good shakes, Jon startles awake, just like I was trying to avoid. His eyes are wide as he looks at me; confusion is present in every inch of his face.

  “What are you…” He stops speaking and takes a moment to look around, shocked by his evaluation of the room.

  It’s as if he forgot where he was. Did he get lost in his dream? I know he hasn’t really slept since Mase arrived here. Maybe he crashed hard enough to forget where he fell asleep.

  I hesitantly reach out to rest my hand on his thigh with the intention to calm him, but think better of it at the last moment. I don’t want any more problems between us. “I’m sorry to bother you, but he’s awake, Jon.”

  I smile, thinking of the moment Mase opened his eyes. He still looked tired, groggy, and a bit confused, but when his eyes landed on me, relief washed over his face. Even though I’m ecstatic that Mase is awake, guilt immediately settled into my gut. I’ve put him off for years: ignoring his calls and requests to meet up and spend time together. All of that can wait until another day though, because today I’m just happy to see his eyes open. All the worry and dread was instantly replaced with hope.

  I didn’t realize the prospect of fixing a relationship with my brother would feel like this. It’s as if my heart has swelled in my chest, giving me a sense of fullness.

  “Are you ready? We can head back if you want to see him.” My words are rushed with excitement.

  Jon nods his head in agreement, still looking at me with a strange face.

  We both stand. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, sorry, just a weird dream is all.” He leads the way as he responds.

  I follow quietly behind him. He doesn’t seem as relieved as I am that Mase is awake, but I guess we all handle tragedy differently. His shoulders are tense and he walks as if he’s agitated. We reach Mase’s room. I watch as Jon’s shoulders rise and fall as he takes in a deep breath. He visibly relaxes. The doctor is still present in the room and I need to cal
l home.

  Reaching out, I rest my hand on Jon’s shoulder and lean in to whisper, “I’ll give you some time alone with him. I need to step out and call home.”

  Jon nods his head in understanding and returns all his attention back to Mase’s hospital room.

  Once outside, I slide my cell from my pocket and dial Nate.

  Nate’s calm voice greets my ear. “How’s it going?”

  “He’s awake, Nate. I never thought I could be so happy to watch someone open their eyes, but it was amazing,” I reply.

  “Good,” he says.

  The phone is silent for an awkward amount of time. “How’s Kiley? She must be worried.”

  Nate soft chuckle relieves some of my worry for my daughter. “She’s fine. She was a little worried at first when she heard you had a sick friend in the hospital, but once she found out it wasn’t Reagan, she’s been fine. I just explained that it was a good friend from before she was born.”

  “Thank you.” I’m grateful that he didn’t go into detail. I want to tell her about my brother on my own. I’ve mentioned members of my family from my childhood but have been very vague on our actual relationships. Not that Mase has ever wronged me; it’s quite the opposite. I just couldn’t share my past with her. I wanted to leave it all behind me. Although, I’m starting to feel differently about that now.

  It’s been years since Dave died and maybe that’s why it’s easier now to think of a relationship with Mase. I don’t have this altered idea of reality anymore, and I definitely don’t have him around to manipulate me and run my life.

  “I know I haven’t told you everything about my past. A lot of it yes but not all of the details,” I say.

  His response is calm and unaffected. “Riley, I’ve always known there’s more. I’m here for you whenever you’re ready.”

  I’m feeling more ready than ever to share my story, but I’m not sure Nate is the first person I want to share it with. Deciding on a change of subject, “Are you all right to keep Kiley?”

  “Of course, but if you’re still there tomorrow, you’ll have to be the one to get her from camp,” Nate states.

  He’s matter-of-fact and for some reason it irritates me. “Are you sure about keeping her today? I can figure something out or head home as soon as I know what the doctors are saying about his prognosis.”

  “Ri, I said it was fine. Don’t worry. I just have shit going on tomorrow at the office, and I don’t want to worry about not getting to her on time.”

  “Okay.” Maybe I’m questioning him because I’m full of emotion right now and he’s not displaying enough. I don’t know, but I’m thankful he’s willing to keep Kiley because I’m not ready to leave Mase yet. “I’ll be home tomorrow afternoon. Don’t worry.”

  Ending my call, I rush back up to Mase’s floor. When I reach his room, Jon’s voice stops me before I enter.

  “Shit, man. It’s good to see you awake and breathing on your own. The doctors are hopeful and seem pretty confident that you’ll make a full recovery from this.”

  There is a beat of silence and I wait to see if Mase will say something, but all I hear is a faint whisper, unable to make out his words before Jon continues.

  “I guess I have to live up to my end of the deal, because I did promise I’d forgive Riley if you woke up. I’m already trying to get my head wrapped around that, but I guess I have a little time while watching you recover. I should be careful of the promises I make,” Jon chuckles.

  I swear I hear a soft laugh come from Mase, and I’m torn between bursting into the room to see a smile on his face and staying out here to listen to more of what Jon has to say. That bubble of hope I felt earlier grows inside of me and I feel like I might burst. I guess having the closest people from my teenage years back in my life is something that I’ve needed all this time. I’m disappointed in myself that it took a tragedy to realize I need Mase in my life, but I am here now and I need to make things right.

  Quietly, I enter the room and both of their heads turn in my direction, smiles on their faces. I watch as they slowly fade away when they realize it’s me who has caused the interruption.

  I immediately feel uncomfortable but focus on the conversation I just overheard. “Mind if I join you guys?”

  Mase shakes his head no, shooting me a smile. He still looks completely exhausted and not like himself, but it seems he may be just as happy to see me as I am to see him, and I know in my heart that he’s the same old Mase from when I was a child. He’s forgiven me already.

  ****

  “Come on, man. Don’t tell me you’ve become such a weak pussy in such a short amount of time. You got this,” Jon gibes.

  Mase was released from the hospital today, after just one week. He’ll have an in-home nurse stopping by to check on him, and Jon and I have agreed to take turns helping him out. He’s pretty fatigued still and motor skills are slow. He’ll be working with a therapist, but they are pretty certain he’ll make a full recovery.

  “Oh, stop. He’s in a third floor condo. These stairs wear me out without a head injury,” I say, while helping Mase up the steps.

  “No surprise there. You tried to have me train you, remember? You came in dressed like a Barbie doll in trampoline shoes. You failed before you even got started.” Jon laughs at his own joke and Mase joins him.

  Turning toward my brother, I raise an eyebrow. “Maybe I should let you take the stairs by yourself.”

  Mase’s personality seems off but the doctor said that can be common. He seems sluggish and gentle, which is opposite of his high energy and assertive normalcy. I’m saying this without seeing him for years, so who knows if it’s true. Maybe he’s changed over the years, but Jon is poking fun with him, just like he always did when we were all together.

  Mase smiles at me and I continue to help him reach his floor. The three of us enter his apartment and I close the door behind me. I’ve never been here before but it definitely screams bachelor pad. The walls are your everyday, construction grade light beige and they are bare. Not one picture. His furniture is dark, all wood and leather.

  Mase takes a seat on the couch, turning on a monster sized TV that hangs on the wall. It’s louder than it should be with his condition, per the doctor’s orders.

  I take a seat next to him. “Not too much stimulation, remember.” I grab the remote and lower the volume.

  Chuckling comes from Jon in the kitchen. Turning to see what’s funny, I notice he’s looking at me. “What?”

  Jon smiles as if I’m missing something. He shakes his head. “Nothing.”

  I turn fully in his direction. “No, tell me. What’s funny?”

  Mase starts chuckling beside me now, too.

  I’m at a loss. I have no idea what has them laughing, but I’m starting to feel like I’m the cause. I chance one last glance at each of them to see if I can understand what happened.

  “WHAT?” I ask through gritted teeth.

  They both begin laughing harder at my frustration, and now I know for sure I am the butt of their little inside joke. Dropping my shoulders in defeat, I look at Mase.

  “You said stimulation,” Mase tries to clarify the situation without continuing to laugh.

  I said stimulation. Okay, I’m not sure what the hell is so funny about that. His doctor said to watch out for too much of it so that Mase’s brain can rest.

  “And?” I ask, still unsure what their problem is.

  Jon’s laughter takes off and my confusion only seems to entertain him even more. His next words are broken. “Yo…you know. Sti…mu…la…tion.” He thrust his hips and moves his arms back and forth next to his body like he’s humping the air.

  Realization slams me in my chest. I want to be embarrassed, but honestly this just reminds me of when we were teenagers and life hadn’t shit on all of us.

  “What are we…twelve?” I ask, trying to seem offended by their response, but their laughter is contagious, and I join in with them giggling like a schoolgirl who just whis
pered an inappropriate word for the first time.

  “You dirty girl, Riley,” Jon says, still joking.

  I try to keep a smile on my face, but he has no idea how true his words are. I’ve not been a poster child for living a good clean life, but Jon doesn’t know that. He thinks I’m a monogamous woman who has always been dedicated to one man. Actually, I don’t know what he’s heard about me. We have never talked in great detail since his return to town.

  Deciding that a change of subject would be best, I help Mase get comfortable on the couch and head to the kitchen.

  “Are you boys hungry? I can cook you something but then I need to head home. Jon will stay with you tonight and I’ll return tomorrow.” I open the fridge, looking for something simple to make.

  “It’s all right, Ri. Go ahead home. We’re big boys and I know you have other responsibilities.” Mase flicks through some television channels as he speaks, obviously forgetting the doctor’s instructions again.

  I let it go. He’s just returned home, and I don’t want to start things off with me nagging him. He’s accepted me back into his life, no questions asked, and I want to start off on the right foot.

  “All right then, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Walking over, I place a kiss on top of Mase’s head and turn to Jon. “Call me if you have any problems and I can come back.”

  Jon walks to the door, opening it for me. “We’ll be good. We’ve been taking care of ourselves for a long time.”

  “I didn’t mean anything by it. I just want you to know I’m here to help.” I stop and face him before exiting the condo.

  A sad smile touches his lips. We used to know each other so well. My heart twists at the thought of our lost love, leaving an empty pit in the bottom of my stomach.

  “I just want you to go home and relax. Don’t worry about us here. We got this. I didn’t mean that you meant anything by your offer.” Jon slowly begins shutting the door.