Fighting My Affections

by Elizabeth Wills

  “Have a good night.” The words barely leave my lips before the door closes in my face. I guess him working on forgiving me is going to take some time.

  If he’s even thinking of forgiving me, that’s more than I deserve, I guess. I put him through hell and I have no idea what that was like for him. Maybe that’s what I need to do. Find out what life was like for him, before expecting him to understand what I went through. His forgiveness means more than just me being able to move on with my life. I truly want him to be able to fully move on with his.

  Jon deserves to be happy, not angry about all of the things I stole from him. My decisions hurt him the most, and while I live with a lot of pain from my past, my life has not been that terrible. I have a wonderful daughter and an amazing job that provides all that we need. Who can complain about that?

  I arrive at my daughter’s camp with seconds to spare. “Hi, sweetie. How was your day?”

  “It was good. Where’s Nate? I thought he would be here again,” she asks, while settling and buckling herself into the back seat.

  “Nope, you’re stuck with me today.”

  “How is your friend?” Kiley asks.

  “He is doing much better, but I’ll be helping him out for a while. I’d like to take you over to meet him this week. What do you think?” I glance quickly in the rearview mirror.

  Kiley shrugs her shoulders. “Sure, that would be cool.”

  I’ve been preoccupied for days and have missed our evening time together. “What should we do tonight? Just me and you.”

  “Anything?” she asks, with excitement in her voice.

  “Anything.”

  While I’m exhausted both mentally and physically, we spend our evening bouncing around on trampolines at Kiley’s favorite indoor center. One thing is for sure; my mind may be full of thoughts begging to keep me up at night, but not today though. My daughter just bounces me into complete exhaustion. Time with her is just what I needed.

  Fifteen

  Jon~present day

  Laughing, I stand from the couch to grab another beer. “I can’t believe that shit. You think you embarrassed her?”

  “She’s a nurse man. I’m sure she’s seen worse. She should feel privileged to get a look at me. Can you imagine what some of her patients must look like?” Mase says.

  He’s been feeling much better over the last week, but I can tell it’s going to take some time and therapy to gain back all of his strength. He just finished telling me about his nurse, and how she was helping him in and out of the bath the other night because he was still too weak and didn’t want to slip. Needless to say, his testosterone and manhood have not been affected by his head injury. She is a hot little thing, wearing tight, little cotton shirts along with her snug scrub pants. It should be a sin to dress like that in the medical field.

  I’m glad to see he’s still the cocky little fucker I call my best friend. It feels good to spend some downtime with him, just the two of us, like when we were kids. I got derailed in life, leading me in a direction I never thought I’d go, but somehow I’m here. I’m exactly where I want to be. Helping Mase with the gym has brought my dreams back into perspective and so has he. He has always had my back, no matter what.

  Sitting next to him, I take a swig of my beer. “Think you’ll see her again, now that you’re feeling better?”

  “Who said I was feeling better?” Mase asks, eyebrows raised and a smirk on his face.

  “You’re going to fake illness to get her to come back around.” Only Mase, I laugh.

  He sits forward, resting his elbows on his knees and stares up at the baseball game on TV. “You’ve seen her, man. Honestly, I can’t get that tight little ass out of my mind. I’m not ready to give her up yet.”

  “Yeah, well you better not pull that shit on me. Tricking me to come over here to wait on you, when you can do shit for yourself,” I say.

  Mase tenses, quickly rattling, “Catch it. Catch it. Catch it.”

  There goes the game. “Damn it! I gotta stop betting on these bastards this year. They can’t get their shit together.”

  I feel the couch dip as Mase stands, heading toward his room.

  “I need to shower before Riley gets here,” he hollers over his shoulder.

  She should be here soon with her daughter, so she can meet Mase for the first time. I think her daughter is seven or eight and that shit fucks with my head. If she’s eight that would put her getting pregnant shortly after I was locked up or at least I think about that time.

  Mase told me years ago that Riley had a daughter, but I tried to cut myself off from everything that involved her. Eventually, he got the point and stopped bringing her up to me. I’m not even sure if Riley knows how much Mase knows about her. He always made sure she was doing okay, even if it was from a distance.

  Mase peeks his head out his door with a shit-eating grin on his face. “Oh, and I’d fake illness just to watch your discomfort around my sister.”

  “FUCK OFF!” I yell up the hall as he disappears in his room.

  Walking into the kitchen, I toss my beer, contemplating if I should grab another or not. I’m not sure I should stay, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t at least curious to see Riley with her kid. Does she look like that asshole? If she belongs to him, fuck, I don’t know how I’d feel.

  What is wrong with me? I shouldn’t feel anything at all, but this is a kid and if she does belong to him, she’s also Mase’s little sister. My stomach twists, causing a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I grab my keys off of the counter. I shouldn’t be here for this. My head isn’t wrapped around everything that’s happened in the past yet, and Mase doesn’t deserve my opinions getting in the way of his family.

  He’s still getting dressed in his room. I make my way to the door. “Listen, man, I’m outta here. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “All right, man, see you then.”

  I jog down the hall steps. I’ll head to the gym; nothing like a good workout to take my mind off all this bullshit.

  “Hey, Jon.” It’s her voice but I don’t want to acknowledge it. I keep walking.

  “JON!” Riley calls louder behind me.

  Taking a deep breath, I turn to her. “Oh hey, Riley.”

  Standing there on the sidewalk, out front of Mase’s condo, holding Riley’s hand is a beautiful little girl. She’s almost the spitting image of her mother with her blonde hair, except for her eyes. My suspicions are confirmed with one look into her daughter’s eyes. It’s like I’m staring straight into the eyes of my best friend.

  I’m frozen, staring in shock, and something that vaguely feels like jealously tightens in my chest. He robbed me of everything.

  Riley’s shaky voice drags me from my painful thoughts. “Jon, this is my daughter, Kiley.” She pulls her daughter forward, placing her hand on her back. “Ki, honey, this is Jon. Another friend of mine who has been helping me take care of Mase.”

  Her little hand comes up to give a little wave. When I look back up to Riley, I can see the uncertainty in her expression, but I don’t want to know what that means. I just want to go process this information while taking my anger out on a heavy bag.

  Swallowing the lump in my throat, I try to sound unaffected. “Nice to meet you, Kiley. Sorry, Ri, but I gotta go.”

  Fortunately, I’m parked just a couple spots away. Hopping in, I speed off toward the gym, leaving behind the fucked-up result of one of Riley’s fucked-up mistakes. Why the fuck did I even come back here?

  Sixteen

  Riley~the past

  The temperature of the dishwater warms my hands. It’s been a cold December, but I’ve enjoyed the peacefulness a new layer of snow can bring. It quiets the noise in my head. The only person left in my life is my stepfather, Dave. Everyone else walked out: first my mother, then Mase, and lastly JT.

  JT hurt the most. I don’t know what I expected, though. I never had much to offer JT, and in a way, I’m glad that he was finally able to let go enough to m
ove on with his life. He is one of the best fighters I’ve seen. Not that I’m all that educated on the matter, but Mase used to drag me to his matches every chance he could. I think it was a way for him to get me out of the house, since I was never allowed to go anywhere without him or Dave by my side.

  I never had many friends, but being homeschooled for my last year has really been hard. I don’t ever see anyone outside of this house. No human interaction. Except for Dave. It’s just him and me. Once my mom left, things in the house changed. The tension was gone, but my role morphed into that of a household caretaker. I'd be lying if I said I didn't take pride in our home though.

  Chores I found daunting, I now take pride in, and taking care of our home helps to take my mind off of schoolwork. I focus on cleaning and laundry during the day, prepare a nice dinner right before Dave arrives home, and then he helps me well into the evening with my schoolwork. I’ve been working hard, hoping I can finish and graduate early. Starting my college courses this spring semester online is my goal.

  Mase and JT left in August to start their freshman year at the University of Tennessee, and while I still hear from both of them on occasion, the calls are becoming more and more infrequent. I know how busy they are, so I don’t press the issue. I wouldn’t want my loneliness to hold them back from living their lives. There are days harder than others, where I feel like they’ve abandoned me—just as my mother did.

  I hear the front door slam shut as I place the last dish in the drainer.

  “Hey, Riley, I’m home.”

  While drying my hands I turn to greet him. “Hey, Dave. How was work?”

  “Long.” He walks to me, handing me his lunch bag.

  I empty his dirty lunch dishes into the sink. “Dinner is in the oven, should be ready in about a half hour.”

  “Perfect. I’ll go grab a shower before we eat. I want it waiting on a plate for me when I come down.” Dave heads up the stairs, taking two at a time.

  This is our daily routine. Dinner always finishes as he gets cleaned up from a hard day’s work, and I welcome his presence after a long day wrapped in the loneliness an empty house can bring. He's still strict and rough around the edges, but he's all I've got right now.

  I’ve made his favorite dish of au gratin potatoes and ham today, hoping that we can revisit the idea of him letting me leave for college in the fall, instead of staying here taking online courses.

  The timer dings and I grab both pot holders to remove the hot dish from the oven.

  “Damn, that smells delicious. I’m still trying to figure out where you learned to cook,” Dave says as he bounds into the kitchen, grabbing a cold beer from the fridge.

  I grab plates from the cupboard, plating our food. “The Internet.”

  “Well, I appreciate having a hot meal to come home to. That's something your mother was never capable of. I thought I said to have it waiting for me on the table." Dave slides into his seat at the table.

  “Sorry, the timer just went off.” I take the seat next to him, serving him his plate, feeling like I’ve let him down already. I watch as he takes his first few bites. “How is it?”

  “Tastes amazing, it's my favorite actually.” Dave continues to make work of his food.

  I smile, happy with myself for pleasing him, but unable to control my curiosity. “Dave, I was wondering if you decided about me going away to school.”

  His fork stops halfway to his lips. While slowly returning his fork to his plate, he drops his head. This was not the response I imagined in my head. I watch as he takes a couple deep breaths. His hands rest on the table, clenching tightly into fists. “I don’t like the idea of you leaving, Riley.”

  “I know, but it would be…” I’m cut off, startled as his hand slams down on the table.

  “And who's going to pay for it?" Dave enunciates every word.

  I haven’t seen his anger in a long time, but memories of how he used to treat me flash before me. Maybe I’ve disappointed him by not giving him enough time to think about it. I should have let it be. God knows I don’t want to change the stability I've become accustomed to.

  "I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked again. Please don’t be mad,” I whisper, as tears well in my eyes.

  I don't want to push him. I swear that’s why JT stopped calling me so often, because I press him to answer questions, and he didn't have the response I wanted to hear. Burying my face in my hands, I silently scold myself for being such a stupid girl all the time, constantly bothering others with my life.

  I feel my chair sliding across the floor, the screech of it barely audible over the screaming thoughts inside my head. Tears prick my eyes as Dave takes my face between his hands. His eyes search mine, and I don’t understand the look on his face. He looks angry, but I can’t tell if it’s at himself or with me.

  “You won’t leave me alone here, Riley. I need you here to take care of this place.” Dave doesn’t move, just stares into my eyes, hoping I’ll understand.

  I do understand, all too well. I have felt alone most of my life, even when we had a house full of people here. But Dave, he’s offered me some form of consistency. He’s been here to make me feel needed and wanted, a friendship of sorts. I don’t want him to feel alone because of me. I couldn’t hurt him like that.

  Without thought, I wrap my arms around his neck. “I won’t leave. I promise.”

  “Besides, look at all I've done for you, when I didn't have to. The extra money needed for college is something I don't have." Dave pushes me back and gathers his barely eaten plate from the table.

  Dave has provided a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and clothes on my back. How could I have not considered his feelings after everything he has done for me? I owe him so much more than what I give in return.

  “Is it that boy? Is that why you want to go?” Dave asks, as he cleans his plate at the sink.

  His question catches me off guard. “Who, JT?”

  “Is there someone else I need to be worried about taking advantage of you?” He never looks my way as he speaks.

  “No, I just, well JT never really calls anymore. I know he’s been busy with school and his training. He can’t be bothered with someone like me.” I stand from the table, unsure if I should head to my room or finish my dinner.

  Dave turns to me. “Boys his age don’t want just one girl. That’s what I have been trying to protect you from. I was his age once, and trust me, he’s involved with someone else.”

  As much as I have considered JT being in a relationship with someone else, it still hurts to hear someone else say it. However, it’s Dave’s next words that crush every last ounce of hope I held onto.

  “Besides, when I finally got a hold of Mase the other day, he pretty much confirmed that he and JT have been keeping their downtime filled with cage whores.” Dave tosses the towel on the counter.

  Bile rises in my throat. That’s not the JT I know. The JT I knew crawled through my window, and held me close at night, before he left for school. I knew the JT that I practically begged to take me, but he refused because he wanted us to be in a better situation before making that kind of a commitment with one another. Maybe only my love was real and his love for me was a complete lie. Maybe it wasn't our situation at all and he wasn't attracted to me in that way.

  I feel the brush of Dave’s shoulder as he walks past. “Sorry, Ri, that’s boys for you; always thinking with their dicks. Why don’t we skip schoolwork tonight? Get cleaned up and put on those soft pajamas I bought you. Meet me in the living room for a movie.”

  I don’t answer and just get to work. Once the kitchen is clean, I head upstairs and climb into my pajamas before vegging out on the couch. I get down to my underpants and slide into my favorite, light pink silk top and bottom set, that Dave kindly bought for me a few months back. It’s the style that reminds me of an old man’s button-up and long pants. Feeling better already, in my most relaxing attire, I slip my feet into a pair of warm socks and rush down the stairs.r />
  I make it down the first flight, but as I turn at the middle landing my sock-covered foot slips on the carpet, and I tumble painfully down the remaining stairs. My face smacks the hardwood floor as I land at the bottom. I feel slightly dizzy, and my side and ankle hurt.

  Dave rushes over. “What the hell happened? Are you okay?”

  “My foot slipped on the carpet,” I groan.

  “Don’t move yet. How far did you fall?” Dave asks as he assesses my face for damage.

  “Just the last little set of steps.” Moving my hand to my side, I wince as I touch a tender spot.

  “You’re so fucking clumsy. Roll over. I’ll carry you to the couch and grab you some ice.” Dave’s large body scoops me up, carrying me into the living room. He leaves me for a moment to grab several ice packs. “Well, let’s see what we got.”

  He starts at my head, placing a frigid ice pack where my face hit the floor. I shiver at the contact. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall. Does it look as bad as it feels?”

  “Yeah, I didn’t exactly feel like playing caretaker, but it’s just a little red. What else hurts?” he asks.

  “My right ankle.” I lift my leg, bringing it closer for his viewing.

  Dave pokes at the swelling, and moves my foot gently up and down. “How’s that feel? It’s definitely swollen.”

  “It hurts but I can move it on my own.” I place my foot back down, adjusting my position on the couch due to the discomfort in my side.

  Dave places another ice pack on my ankle, after propping it up on some pillows. “We’ll keep an eye on it and see how it feels tomorrow."

  “It’s my side that’s really bad. It hurts to take in a deep breath.” I try to lift up to peek at the damage but a sharp stabbing pain wraps around my chest, causing me to cry out.

  Dave grabs my hand, giving me something to squeeze until the pain dies down a bit. “Just relax. It’s probably just a bruise, but there’s not much they can do, even if you cracked a rib.”