Fighting My Affections

by Elizabeth Wills

  Taking several slow deep breaths, I fight off the pain. “It feels like a rib might be poking out of my skin. That’s how bad it hurts.”

  “Well, I don’t see blood anywhere, if that helps,” Dave chuckles.

  Looking up at him, I’m glad he finds this funny. Still feeling concerned and just needing confirmation that it’s okay, I ask him to look. “I swear it’s really bad. I might need surgery.”

  “Where’s most of the pain?” Dave asks, as he kneels if front of me to get a close look.

  I point to an area on my right side under my arm. Slowly Dave slides up my top, being careful not to press into my side. The slight graze of his fingertips causes a shiver to break across my skin. Even though it was accidental, and Dave has no clue, I can’t help but compare that feeling. I miss the connection of human touch. I miss JT and the way he made me feel, but now he’s taking those beautiful moments we shared and is sharing them with other girls.

  Tears blur my vision. I close my eyes, trying to keep them at bay, while Dave finishes his assessment of my ribs. I try to focus on the pain.

  He places another ice pack on my side. “Looks okay, Ri.”

  Pulling back, Dave kneels in front of me. “What’s wrong now? If you were more careful, you wouldn’t be in pain.”

  I shake my head, not wanting to speak.

  “Why are you crying?” He asks aggravated.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Look, I know I got mad earlier, but life hasn’t been easy for you or me. I finally feel like this house is becoming a home—here—with you in it. I know that’s selfish and I don’t want you to leave. Maybe, when you graduate, we can work something out. The community college has some amazing programs and you can be home every night. I hate that Mase hardly calls and never comes to visit. I can’t have you do that too.” Dave stands and walks back to his seat. He looks frustrated and I’m mad at myself for upsetting him.

  I’m in too much pain to move, but I want to comfort him like he has me. It really is just him and me now. He’s proved to be a better person than anyone else has been in my life, and I need to be here for him. Loneliness will eat at a person, changing them into someone else entirely. I like who he has become; he takes care of me. Risking a change in him is not something I can do. Community college will still get me out of the house during the day.

  “Dave, that sounds like a great idea,” I agree.

  That is exactly what I did. We continued to live in our routine. I stopped hearing from JT altogether, and Mase rented his own apartment near campus. It remains just Dave and me. I'm happy to have him. He is the only stable person in my life.

  Seventeen

  Jon~present day

  Walking in to Mase’s condo, I’m met with a delicious smell radiating from the kitchen. My stomach growls and my mouth waters as my hunger takes over my body. I busted my ass at the gym and now I need fuel.

  I know Riley is here. I saw her car out front. We’ve spent more time together over the last two weeks than I would have liked, but what can I do? I’ve been as friendly as possible for Mase’s sake. I did promise I would try to forgive her, but after seeing her with her daughter the other day, that horrible day came back to me full force, along with all of the feelings that go along with it.

  I’ve seen her since but have kept my distance and stayed to myself. I’m sure both she and Mase have noticed, but neither of them has asked. Today I feel better about things. I don’t want to live in the past. I’ve done that long enough, and I made the decision awhile back I would only move forward in life. I need to keep focusing on that. My future will be what I want it to be. No one else will make choices for my life anymore.

  Turning the corner to the kitchen, I find Riley reaching up into the cabinet. Her ass is hugged tightly in a pair of black yoga pants and her shirt raises up to expose a little sliver of flesh above the waistband. I can’t help but let my eyes travel up her body. I am still a man after all, and she has a body that begs to be explored.

  My eyes travel back down and I smile to myself. “Well, would you look at that? She does own a real pair of tennis shoes.”

  “Holy shit!” She spins around. “You scared me.”

  “Sorry. I was just surprised to see you in such a normal pair of shoes.”

  “Yeah, well after last time I wore tennis shoes around you, I ran right out and bought an updated pair then tossed the others in the trash.”

  Leaning against the counter, I cross my arms over my chest. “It’s nice to know you still care what I think.”

  She smirks at me. “Trust me, life would be easier if I didn’t.”

  I know the meaning behind her words, but I choose to ignore it. I don’t need to fuck up all the progress I’ve made lately with moving on.

  “So, what’s for dinner?”

  Riley stops moving around the kitchen and looks at me in shock. “Are you joining us for dinner?”

  I’ve been around Riley enough, but sharing a meal with her has not been on my to-do list. I’ve always come up with an excuse as to why I couldn’t join them.

  “If it’s okay.” I walk to the stove and stir the pot that’s simmering. “Need any help?”

  “Can you set the table? I’m just about finished in here. It’s just spaghetti, garlic bread, and a salad. I only have vinaigrette. I hope that’s okay.” She hands me a stack of three plates.

  I head out to the dining room, which is just off of the kitchen and open to the living room. “Sounds great. I’m starved.”

  “What’s up, man? You’re here a little early tonight, aren’t you?” Mase asks, as he comes up the hall.

  “Nah, it’s my normal time.” I slide a chair out and take a seat.

  “I hope you are both hungry. There’s plenty to eat.” Riley sets a large bowl of salad and garlic bread on the table before turning to grab the rest.

  “Sit, Riley, I’ll grab the rest.”

  When I return back to the table, Mase looks at me curiously.

  “What’s up with you?” I ask.

  In his total dick glory Mase replies, “Did I just witness you showing kindness to my sister?”

  I look between the both of them. Riley is staring at her plate as she fixes her meal, and Mase just laughs quietly to himself. I flip him off and grab the salad bowl.

  I’m not intentionally rude to Riley. At least I don’t think I am. I just try to avoid most interactions with her. I can’t risk any emotional involvement as far as she is concerned. It’s the only way I can balance life with her in it. I’ve been telling myself for years, I never want to see her or hear of her again, but here I sit, breaking bread with the woman. I’d like to find it appalling, but honestly, it’s been easier than I imagined.

  Often, when I’m alone after seeing her, I get lost in my thoughts about how evil she is and how her betrayal should never be forgiven. I revert back to the heartbroken teenager who lost the love of his life, along with every dream I’d ever worked toward. I was so close to getting a place of my own and asking her to move in with me.

  When I spend time with her, just like tonight, it’s hard to see a girl capable of the destruction she caused. Maybe time does heal all wounds. Not enough to ever be close to her again, but enough to make forgiving her a little easier than I thought.

  I catch her looking at me before she can divert her eyes. I decide to focus on the kindness Mase so wonderfully pointed out. I smile at her.

  “Riley, could you please pass the bread?”

  Eighteen

  Riley~present day

  Dinner was…nice, surprisingly. Time spent with Jon has been strained this far, but tonight things were nice. I’m not sure what brought on his change in mood but I can’t complain. It was good to spend time with Mase without the tension between the two of us. We both love Mase and have put our differences aside for him, but I wish things could be as easy as they were when we were young. After tonight, maybe there’s hope.

  I feel closer to Mase now since he’s met Kiley,
and I was able to tell him every bit of the truth. You don’t know what kind of a weight you’re carrying around until you feel the freedom of unloading it.

  Kiley loved Mase and one day soon, she will know the truth too. I want her to have access to the people who love her, and I have been wrong to think keeping her from Mase was a good idea. Tonight she is spending the night with Reagan and her family. Dalton is not doing well and this may be the last time she is able to spend any time with him. My heart aches thinking of the pain all the kids will feel with his loss.

  How is the world such a sad place? We live as a child with such hopes and dreams, only to learn that our plans can be snatched away from us in the matter of moments. Even though I had little freedom when I was young, I still had dreams of my own. Dreams that slowly died as I got into my late teens, but then I was pregnant and all my dreams changed.

  I want different for my daughter though. I realize now that I was grasping for anyone I could find to love me. I gave everything I had to keep someone in my life. I even sacrificed my own self-worth to what I thought was love. Turns out I’m easily manipulated.

  “You good, Ri?” Mase asks, as he brings his plate into the kitchen.

  I smile up at him. “Dinner was nice.”

  “He’ll come around. Give him time.”

  Shaking my head, I get back to rinsing plates before placing them in the dishwasher. I hope Jon comes around, not just for me, but also for himself. I saw the way he looked at Kiley the other day. I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation when it comes to my daughter, but I want to give one to him. He may not care to hear it, but my plans of having a family were always with him. He was always my place of contentment.

  While talking with Nate the other night in bed, he encouraged me to let things with Jon go. I wish I could, but my heart calls out to him, and I don’t think I’ll be able to enjoy my life fully until I know Jon has found his own happiness. I can see the struggle still present in his eyes, even as he says he’s moved on and is over it.

  When I get to the living room, Mase is missing. I take a seat on the opposite side of the couch from Jon and quietly watch the movie he has playing on TV.

  “Have you seen this before?” he asks.

  “I don’t think so. I don’t get much time to watch adult stuff.”

  “It’s pretty funny.”

  “Where’s Mase?”

  Jon laughs, “He’s taking a nap. I guess his nurse is coming tonight.”

  I look at him confused. “Why is that funny?”

  “I think our boy has a crush on his caretaker.”

  That would make sense as to why he’s napping now. I guess he wants to be awake while she’s here. She is beautiful, nice, and caring. I can see the appeal. “I was wondering why she was still coming here with how well he’s been doing.”

  Jon looks at me, eyebrows raised. “According to him, he’s still in pretty bad shape.”

  I laugh at that. I can’t believe he is pretending to be sick still, just to have her visit.

  “Why doesn’t he just ask her out?”

  “I don’t know, but it’s probably for the same reason he acts more ill so he can watch the two of us be uncomfortable around each other,” he responds.

  There goes my happy evening. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. I’m not uncomfortable around Jon. I do think there’s a lot to say, but I actually enjoy the fact that we can be in the same room together. I really thought things were getting better for him also, especially after today.

  I look down at my hands resting in my lap, unable to meet his eyes. “Do I make you uncomfortable?”

  “Huh?”

  “You don’t make me uncomfortable. I’m sorry if you don’t like having me around. We can try to make a schedule, if that makes things easier for you.”

  “Look, Ri.” He turns to face me, laying his arm across the back of the couch. “Those were his words not mine. I’m not uncomfortable; it’s just weird, ya know? I’m trying, okay, but put yourself in my shoes.”

  I meet his eyes, hoping he can see the sincerity I feel there. “I wish I could have traded shoes with you.”

  We quietly stare at each other for a moment, and I pray that he understands the severity of those words. I would undo it all if I could. He didn’t deserve anything that happened to him because of me, and I would have traded lives with him. I deserved it all. The only thing he ever did wrong was love a girl as messed up as me.

  I’m the first to break the silence, thinking this is my chance to help him understand. Helping him understand is the only way for him to completely accept my apology. “There’s a lot that I want to say. If you’re ready to listen, I’d be…”

  “I’m not.” He cuts me off. “I wish I could give you an answer you want to hear, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to hear about you with him. That day, catching the two of you together, it’s all I can handle, or not handle. I’m not sure which I’ve done.”

  “Okay.” What can I say? I can’t force things on him.

  Jon leaves the room, returning a moment later with a beer for each of us.

  “Your daughter looks a lot like you. I still can’t believe you’re a mom.” Jon changes the subject.

  It’s a welcome change. Just the thought of Kiley puts a smile on my face. She’s such a great kid and my best accomplishment. I haven’t done much right in my life, but she is perfect.

  “She’s the best thing I’ve ever done.”

  “I can tell by the smile on your face that she means a lot to you. I bet you’re a great mom.” He takes a swig of his beer.

  He sounds genuine, although I’m surprised to hear such a nice comment coming from him. Not that he’s incapable. He just doesn’t usually say nice things to me.

  “You always could find a way to make me smile.” Reaching out, I rest my hand on top of his on the back of the couch.

  He looks at my hand, laying on his, a serious expression on his handsome face. The room grows quiet then his eyes meet mine. “Ri, make me smile.”

  He remembers. Whenever life was bad, or things at home were tough, I could always ask Jon to ‘make me smile’ and we would leave all of the negative talk behind and focus on the good stuff.

  I feel my smile grow. “I do this with my daughter every night before bed. It’s been hard at times, being a single mom, but I decided when she was born to focus on all the good things in life. We end every day with all the good that’s happened to us.”

  “Is she with your boyfriend? I’ve only seen her here with you the once.”

  Jon slides his hand out from under mine. The loss of contact saddens me but I understand his discomfort.

  “Not tonight. She is with my best friend, Reagan, and her family.” Blocking out all of the negative things going on with my friends, I try to think of something nice to say about them.

  “Do they have kids?” He asks.

  “Yes. I actually met Rea when I was pregnant and she was pregnant with her second son. They have been such an amazing support system to me, and Kiley is the best of friends with their son, Max.”

  Jon smiles at me. I’ve succeeded. I don’t have much else to share about my friends, without getting into the sad part of their lives.

  “It sounds like they mean a lot to you.”

  I nod in agreement, because he couldn’t be more right. Not knowing what else to say, silence falls over us again. It’s a silence filled with everything we’ve lost: love, peace, and mostly friendship. It was never this hard to talk to him in the past, but I guess back then we didn’t have so much baggage between us.

  I can’t stand what the silence means between us. “Did you know that the average person falls asleep in seven minutes?”

  Jon’s face twists in confusion. “What?”

  “The average person falls asleep in seven…”

  He laughs. “No, I heard you, but what the hell are you talking about?”

  “We were sitting in silence. It’s just food for thought. If we wou
ld have kept it up, either of us could have fallen asleep at any minute.”

  This time he squeezes my hand, causing my heart to race. He hasn’t initiated touching me since we were still together, and it stirs up feelings from our past. I loved him with everything I was back then. My stomach still twists in pain every time I think about the hurt I caused him. He’s the only man who has ever caused my heart to flutter, and I’ve been with my fair share of men.

  The genuine look of admiration he displays catches me off guard. “There’s the Riley I knew. Weird in her own way, but still beautiful.”

  I swallow thickly, taking in his words. I miss her, too. “She’s still in there, slowly making her way back after being lost for a very long time.”

  He squeezes my hand one last time before letting go. “Well, I hope she doesn’t take too long. ‘Cause that Riley deserved the world.”

  He leaves me there, seated on the couch, musing over his words. I hope she doesn’t take long either. I’m afraid if she does, I’ll lose all that I’ve worked toward.

  Nineteen

  Jon~the past

  “Hey, man. You joining us at the party tonight?” Mase asks, as I walk through his apartment door.

  I hate parties. It’s not the drinking and socializing I dislike like; it’s the girls. I know. What college guy doesn’t like the girls? I mean they are begging me to fuck them at every turn, and while Mase is taking full advantage of our situation, I can’t help but think of Riley.

  I can’t figure out why she’s avoiding my calls. It’s unlike her. The fact that Dave always answers her phone really bothers the shit out of me. I hate the control he puts her under. She’s not an object to be owned. If I thought he was actually worried for her well-being and what’s best for her, then I wouldn’t feel as panicked about things as I do, but he’s not. I know it deep in my gut.

  I asked Mase the other day if he thinks his dad has ever touched my girl, but he just laughed and asked me if I was crazy. Am I? Is it that bogus of an assumption that he treats her the way he does for some sick perverted reason? I’m sick every day with worry over her being left there with him, while both of us are gone.