Wishes and Tears

by Dee Williams

  ‘Funny, ain’t it? All that time you was with Mark and you didn’t tell him about Paula, yet you told Danny almost at once.’

  ‘Well, I was very vulnerable when that happened.’

  ‘He didn’t cast you aside, though, did he?’

  ‘But it was slightly different; he wasn’t going to marry me.’

  ‘Not then he wasn’t, but give him half a chance and I reckon he’d be there.’

  Janet blushed. ‘Don’t talk daft. That’s the last thing I want right now. Besides, he’s a confirmed bachelor.’

  ‘What, with all the tarts that hang around him?’

  ‘He’s not interested in getting married.’

  ‘That’s what you think.’

  ‘What’s he said to you?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  Twice now they had been out as a foursome and now Janet was worried in case Danny had confided in Freda. ‘Has he said anything to you?’

  ‘No, course not. It’s just me matchmaking.’

  But Janet wasn’t so sure.

  ‘Look at the place he lives in.’

  They had been to his house at Clapham once when he had to pick up some papers. He had showed them around. It was a lovely house with a large garden and it overlooked the common but, as Freda had said, it needed a woman’s touch.

  The job Janet found was in the office of a large West End department store, and the money was twice what she had been getting in Horsham.

  The girls were friendly and helpful and it didn’t take her long to settle down.

  She wasn’t happy in Mark’s flat and a year later found herself a flat in Wandsworth. It was very basic, almost the same size as Mark’s. She did worry at the time that if he ever came back he wouldn’t know where to look for her. Would he go to Danny to try to find her? She knew that could never be and he might even be married by now. She often thought about her parents and would have liked to find out how they were getting on but her pride prevented that. She had sent them birthday and Christmas cards, and included her address, but had never received any replies.

  As she looked round her new home she knew this wasn’t for ever. She was going to save hard and one day buy herself a house.

  On Saturday afternoons the big West End shops shut, so Janet would meet Freda, and they would have a sandwich together.

  ‘Seen much of Danny lately?’ Freda asked one day.

  ‘Not for a few weeks.’

  ‘You know you shouldn’t keep giving him the elbow. He could be your way to a life of luxury.’

  ‘You know I’m not looking for any relationship at the moment.’

  ‘Still, it don’t hurt to keep your options open, does it?’

  ‘No, I suppose not.’ But Janet knew that wasn’t what she wanted in her life. She was enjoying her freedom, such as it was, and didn’t want to be tied down to anyone, not while she still thought about Mark. And besides, she had a task; she was determined to find her daughter, but where to start?

  As time moved on, more and more Janet found herself drawn to Southwark.

  She felt she needed to be near where Paula was born. On Sundays she would stand outside the place she and Freda had called home for all those months. It was still run by the nuns and, keeping out of sight, she would watch Sister Verity and Sister James walk the mothers-to-be in twos to church. There weren’t so many girls there now; perhaps that was because being pregnant out of wedlock wasn’t such a sin these days.

  She would also go to the park and watch the children playing round the pond. She would look at little girls’ bare feet, hoping to see a heart-shaped birth mark on their left foot. Sometimes if she saw a child whom she thought could have looked like Paula she would even call out her name. But was her daughter still called Paula? And did her adoptive parents live in this area? At times her quest seemed nothing more than a hopeless dream.

  Over the next four years Janet blossomed and became more confident. She worked hard and saved, all the time planning and searching. When she found a neat terraced house to buy in Southwark she was ecstatic. It had two bedrooms, a front room, dining room, kitchen and bathroom. Everything she had ever wanted, except there was no Mark or Paula to share it with.

  ‘It’s lovely,’ said Freda, as they moved from room to room. ‘And look at that garden.’

  ‘It’s a bit overgrown but I’ll soon get it into shape. I was so lucky to get it.’

  ‘That’s as may be, but I still reckon it’s a bit of a millstone round your neck. Couldn’t see my Charlie ever buying a house and landing himself with a lot of debt.’

  ‘It’s what I want.’

  ‘Na. My Charlie would rather have a landlord look after the repairs.’

  It wasn’t long before her house contained many things some people considered luxuries. She had a television, fridge and a record player. She would go to the pictures, buy Cliff Richard and Pat Boone records, but she was always alone at night.

  During these years she had been out with men whom she’d met at work, or girls in the office had persuaded her to go along with them on blind dates, but she knew deep down nobody could take Mark’s place.

  Danny had taught her and Freda to drive. They had had a lot of fun together and he was just as pleased as Janet when she passed her test first time. Freda had to have a couple of tries, but she got there in the end.

  ‘Could teach you a lot of other things as well,’ he had said to Janet at the time.

  She had laughed that off. Now when she looked out of her front room window and saw her dear little Mini in the road, she was very proud. She was concerned when Danny sold it to her, remembering his past reputation and the accident that had sent Mark running away.

  ‘Mark was daft over that affair. The cops said it was the driver’s fault. Seems he only had a provisional licence; he hadn’t even passed his test. Besides that, I’ve got a bit more respectable since then. This is a good clean little motor, and it’s in very good condition,’ he had assured her.

  Janet had to admit he did now have a showroom, a new office and an office cleaner. He was almost respectable.

  Janet didn’t like to get involved too much with the girls at work, and in the beginning, whenever possible, she kept her distance from Danny. But as the years went on she went out more and more with Danny, Freda and Charlie in a foursome. They spent many Christmases and New Years at Danny’s, and he’d use any excuse to have a party. Janet was very fond of him and he was always the perfect host but she had made it perfectly clear she would never stay at his house alone.

  At first he had asked her why, and she told him she didn’t want to get into another relationship.

  ‘You still carrying a torch for Mark?’

  She didn’t reply.

  ‘I would never hurt you, Jan.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Give it time; you may change your mind.’

  He was kind, but she knew she wouldn’t. They went to see shows and have a meal occasionally, just the two of them, but that was as far as she would allow their relationship to go. She was very fond of him as a friend and that was what she wanted him to stay.

  Freda still shared Janet’s life and most Saturdays would find them spending the afternoon shopping and chatting.

  ‘I went to the hospital the other day,’ said Janet one Saturday when they were sitting in a fashionable new coffee bar.

  ‘Why? What’s wrong with you?’ asked Freda, her voice full of alarm.

  ‘Nothing. It was the place where Paula was born. I told them me and my husband wanted to adopt a baby.’

  ‘And what did they have to say to that?’

  ‘That I would have to go to the welfare office.’

  ‘And did you?’

  Janet nodded.

  ‘And?’ said Freda, eagerly sitting forward.

  ‘I had to fill in a form and send it back to them, including my marriage certificate.’

  ‘Well, you could easily get one of those.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘Marr
y Danny, of course.’

  ‘Don’t start on that again. Besides, he’s got that Tina on his arm now.’

  ‘Yer, but how long will that last?’

  ‘I think he’s quite serious.’

  ‘One good thing - she don’t have to worry about getting pregnant, not with this ’ere pill everyone’s talking about.’ Freda continued stirring her frothy coffee.

  ‘Don’t you like Tina?’

  ‘I think she’s great. Charlie likes her and she does enjoy a good laugh. Just so long as she’s not leading Danny on or is after his money.’

  ‘I think Danny’s too wise to fall for anyone like that.’

  ‘I hope so.’

  ‘Would you go on the pill?’

  ‘Wouldn’t have to.’

  ‘Why’s that?’

  Freda sat back. ‘Funny, ain’t it? Me mum could have ’em like shelling peas. I have one and muck up me works.’

  ‘I didn’t know that.’

  ‘I only found out after I went for tests. We wanted a kid and nothing happened. Charlie said it wasn’t him. That’s when they told me.’

  ‘I’m really sorry,’ said Janet with genuine concern. ‘Was Charlie very upset about it?’

  ‘You should know Charlie be now. He don’t get upset about anything; takes it all in his stride. He just said what is to be will be and left it at that. Except he was bloody annoyed at all the money he’d spent on French letters.’ She laughed.

  ‘It’s still sad, though,’ said Janet.

  ‘Got over it now.’ Freda continued drinking her coffee, but Janet could see it still distressed her to talk about it.

  It was a chance remark in the staff cloakroom one lunchtime that excited Janet and sent her looking for Paula in another direction.

  ‘Which one of you is getting married on Saturday?’ asked Janet to a bunch of giggling juniors.

  ‘Me,’ said a girl with the new short hairstyle.

  ‘Are you having a white wedding?’

  ‘No. Well, yes, in a way. Me mum ain’t very pleased about it.’

  ‘Why’s that, are you ... you know ... ?’

  All the girls laughed.

  ‘No, nothing like that,’ said the bride-to-be. ‘It’s just that my Wayne’s a teddy boy and I’ve got this smashing little white mini and white boots, and we’re getting hitched in the register office over at Southwark. Wayne’s sister used to work there. Mum wanted me to have it in the church, but we ain’t like that.’

  Janet stopped applying her make-up and looked at the girl. ‘That must have been a very interesting job your future sister-in-law had.’

  ‘Dunno, never asked her.’

  ‘What did she do?’

  ‘Just filled in forms, I think. Something to do with births and deaths.’

  ‘It must be real sad having people sitting telling you about someone who’s died,’ said one of her friends.

  ‘Dunno, didn’t ask.’

  ‘I live near there. What time are you getting married?’ asked Janet.

  ‘Eleven.’

  ‘I’ll come and wish you luck.’

  ‘I’m changing my job,’ said Janet out of the blue to Freda on Saturday as they wandered around the shops.

  ‘So where you off to?’

  ‘I’m going to work in Southwark’s register office.’

  ‘Is it a good job?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘You’ll miss your discounts.’

  ‘I don’t care about that.’

  ‘What’s brought this on? You’ve been in that office for years.’

  ‘I know. I feel I need a change.’ Janet felt she had to tell her the real reason. ‘Freda, I might be able to find out who adopted Paula.’

  ‘What? You’re becoming obsessed with this bloody thing. First you move to Southwark, now you’re going to work there. I hope you’re getting good money. Don’t forget you’ve got a mortgage to worry about.’

  ‘I know that.’

  ‘I tell you, Jan, you’ll finish up like some silly old maid that’s gone out of her mind over something that happened in the past,’ said Freda. ‘You’ll end up like that potty woman in that film, you know, the one with John Mills in.’

  ‘Thanks. I think you mean like Miss Havisham in Great Expectations.’

  ‘If you say so. What if you do find out about Paula - do you think they want you interfering in their lives?’

  ‘Don’t start on that again.’

  ‘She’s what, eight, now?’

  ‘Nine.’

  ‘So they might have all moved away. They might even have gone abroad, there’s a lot going to Australia now.’

  ‘You’re a right wet blanket.’

  ‘I’m only saying.’

  ‘Well, at least I might be able to find out her name,’ said Janet defiantly.

  ‘And what good will that do?’

  ‘It’s a start.’

  ‘You ain’t gonner give up, are you?’

  ‘Never.’

  Janet was nervous on her first day at her new job. The building was Victorian and from the outside looked elegant and overbearing, and inside, with the grand staircase and stained-glass window, it had an air of elegance and forboding. The staff seemed friendly enough and were eager to show her her duties in the typing room. At the end of the first week she felt more relaxed and was able to ask a few questions.

  ‘Are all the birth certificates kept here?’ she casually asked Helen, a fellow worker, in their tea break.

  ‘Most of ’em.’

  Janet had to be on her guard and choose her words carefully. She didn’t want to arouse any suspicions.

  ‘A lot of stuff goes on to Somerset House for storage,’ volunteered Helen.

  ‘Oh, I see. I bet they get musty.’

  ‘Them that’s kept in the basement do, and damp. It’s so bloody cold down there in the winter. I hate it when I’m sent down there to look for something. You could be in there for days and the spiders are as big as me hand.’ She shuddered. ‘It musta been really awful in the war when they had to go down there if there was a raid on.’

  ‘It might have saved a lot of lives.’

  ‘Yer. Even so, I reckon old sourpuss knows what I think of it and that’s why she always seems to pick on me.’

  Janet could hardly contain herself. How could she get into the basement? Spiders and the cold wouldn’t put her off!

  Old sourpuss was the name the girls had given the supervisor, Miss Wilson, a tall thin woman in her mid-forties, who stood very upright and peered over her half-glasses at the girls under her.

  Every time she came into the room holding a slip of paper, she would glance around, her sharp eyes seeking out one of the girls to send her off to the basement to look for something that was wanted. Janet was always hoping to catch her eye. She had to find out more about the layout of the floors below. But she had to bide her time.

  Two months later Janet took her Mini to Danny’s to be serviced.

  ‘Got some good news,’ he said when Janet walked into his office. ‘I’m marrying Tina.’

  ‘I’m so pleased for you,’ said Janet, throwing her arms round his neck and kissing his cheek. ‘She’s a nice girl.’

  ‘She’s up the duff.’

  Janet laughed. ‘I never thought you’d get caught.’

  Danny smiled. ‘I don’t mind really. She’s not a bad looker.’

  ‘She’s lovely.’ She liked Tina and they’d got on well on the few occasions they had met. She was good fun and good for Danny.

  ‘Yer. It was that blonde hair and baby blue eyes that did it, not to mention those lovely long legs. She was the greatest thing to walk into me office, but I never thought I’d end up marrying her.’

  Janet laughed again. ‘I’m really very happy for you. When’s the great day?’

  ‘Can’t leave it too long. She wants a white wedding and all the trimmings.’

  ‘And why not?’

  ‘We thought in August, August the eighth. She shou
ldn’t be that big be then.’

  ‘When’s the baby due?’

  ‘Beginning of February.’

  ‘My birthday’s in February.’

  ‘When?’

  ‘The nineteenth.’

  ‘I’ll tell her to make it then.’

  ‘I can’t see you as a dad.’

  ‘Why not? I’ll make a very good dad.’

  ‘I’m sure you will.’

  ‘I’m taking her to Jersey for our honeymoon.’

  ‘Lucky old Tina, but does she know what she’s letting herself in for?’

  ‘Don’t worry, she keeps me in check. It’s her family that I’m scared of.’

  ‘You, scared? I never thought I’d hear that.’

  ‘No, they’re not bad really. Just keeping an eye on Tina.’

  ‘You can’t blame them.’

  Danny straightened his tie. ‘Mind you, if you’d played your cards right it could have been you.’

  ‘I am very fond of you, Danny, but I don’t think I would like to spend all the rest of my days with you.’

  ‘Fair enough. But you and Freda and Charlie will come to the wedding.’

  ‘Just you try and keep us away.’

  It was a few days later that Janet got the chance to go to the register office basement.

  Miss Wilson walked in and looked around as usual, holding a slip of paper.

  Janet held her breath and smiled sweetly at her.

  ‘Miss Perrin, you could take Miss Slater with you to help you,’ she said, handing the paper to Helen.

  Janet jumped up.

  Helen sighed as she took the note from Miss Wilson.

  ‘And don’t take all day,’ they heard her call as they left the room.

  Their high heels clattered down the stone stairs. With every step it got colder, and Helen’s face got longer.

  Helen pushed open the large door and switched on the light. A single lightbulb, hanging from the ceiling on a brown flex, lit up the room. It cast eerie shadows round and the room felt chilly and dismal. The walls had water stains running down them and Janet was sure stalactites were beginning to form on the brick ceiling.

  Her heart sank as she stood and looked at the rows and rows of shelves lining the walls. They were full of boxes and bundles of paper tied up with different coloured tape. Metal filing cabinets with deep drawers filled one wall along with the cobwebs that hung like curtains. In the middle was a large table. You could see where people had put the boxes by the marks left in the dust.