Wishes and Tears

by Dee Williams

  A look of total disbelief filled his face. ‘What did you just say?’

  ‘I think you heard.’ Even as she said the words her resolve hardened.

  He grabbed her hand. ‘Paula, what can I say to make you change your mind?’

  ‘I’m going through with this.’ The more he argued the more determination she had to show.

  ‘Why, Paula? Why? We are happy enough as we are.’

  She didn’t answer. She knew that if he kept on, despite her current show of single-mindedness, she would be putty in his hands and he might be able to change her mind. She had to stand up to him over this.

  ‘Well, I suppose if you’ve made up your mind about this idiotic thing then I’ll have to give you any financial support you need, but don’t expect me to be a father to it.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I’m not the fatherly type.’

  ‘Trevor, don’t you see I need something of my own to love?’

  ‘You have me.’

  ‘You will never be mine.’

  He looked away and stubbed out his cigarette in the large ashtray. ‘How will you manage all this?’ He waved his arm around her expensive flat.

  ‘I told you, I’ll sell it.’

  ‘And what about when you’re fed up at home all day changing nappies and all the other revolting things that go with babies, and you start to crave the bright lights? You can’t give children away, you know.’

  Paula blanched. ‘That will be my problem,’ she said softly.

  He stood behind her and, folding her into his arms, held her tight.

  She smiled and almost purred with delight. She felt warm and safe with him. Why didn’t he want to be a father?

  ‘Look, it’s getting late and you’re tired. I’ll come round tomorrow and we can talk this thing through.’

  Paula didn’t answer.

  He picked his keys off the coffee table. ‘Don’t bother to see me out.’ He kissed her cheek. ‘Bye, darling. Love you.’ He closed the door.

  Paula sat on the sofa and hugged her knees. She knew he wouldn’t divorce his wife but she hadn’t stopped taking the pill to trap him. She wanted a baby, something of her very own to love.

  Since she was a seventeen-year-old she had strived for perfection. That’s what had made her climb the ladder of success in the estate agency business where she worked. She was now chief mortgage negotiator for all the firm’s ten London branches and apart from commission she had an excellent salary, but she was prepared to give it all up for the love of a baby.

  She sat reflecting on her life. Nothing had ever been her own, not even her parents. Trevor doesn’t know I was adopted, she said to herself. When he talked about her giving her baby away he didn’t realize how much that statement had hurt her.

  She knew she had been adopted almost as soon as she could understand. Her father, who had a good position in the bank, had told her. He was a very strict disciplinarian and she had to do everything he told her to, otherwise he was going to send her back to the home they had taken her from. He had said her mother had been a wicked woman who had babies and left them to fend for themselves. Paula was terrified of him, the things he said and the threats of what he would do to her. He had abused her mentally and physically, made her feel inadequate and useless. But she only realized that after she had run away, when the woman she had called Mum for all of those years had died. Paula was just sixteen. Her mother had been a quiet woman and Paula had never been sure if she knew what had been going on and whether he had been a bully to her too. During her childhood, Paula had hated her real mother so much that she’d vowed if she ever found out who she was she would physically harm her, just as she had been all these years.

  Paula shuddered at the memories.

  At college she had made friends with Sue. It was her friend’s mother who had taken Paula in when she left home. She spent three years with them and they were some of the happiest she had ever known. Sue knew all about Paula’s life. Her father never came looking for her; Sue said he was probably afraid she would spill the beans. Sue was now happily married and had twin boys. She’d met Harry at a dance and within a year they were married. Paula still saw Sue, who lived nearby, but Sue never made a secret of the fact that she didn’t approve of Paula seeing Trevor. What will her reaction be when I tell her about the baby? mused Paula.

  There had been other men in Paula’s life but they all seemed young and immature. Trevor was different. From the moment he walked into the estate agents asking to look at some of the most expensive property they had on their books she knew he was a cut above the others. He was confident and, in addition to his stylish clothes, he had a certain air about him. When she showed him round a vacant house he told her about his wife and how they needed wheelchair access. He often popped into the office on some pretext or other and Paula soon realized he was pursuing her. As time went on Paula knew she was falling for him; he was charming and attentive and brought her expensive gifts, which at first she refused. Then he mentioned the divorce which she knew now to be just a ploy. Gradually, and after a lot of soul-searching, she let him share her bed. Now he had a key and would come and go when it suited them both.

  Paula brushed a tear from her eyes. Why was she getting upset? The baby was something she wanted more than anything else. Something that was going to be hers and only hers.

  Her thoughts went to her real mother. Who was she? She must have been a very selfish woman to have given Paula and her other children away. Had she been reunited with her other offspring? Why had she had Paula adopted?

  She sat up. Her mind went back to when she must have been about nine. There was a terrible row with a woman who said she had come to see Paula. Her mother had ushered her away and told her it wasn’t anyone important. The woman was crying and her father was shouting as he took hold of the woman’s arm and practically dragged her from the house. Had that been the woman who had given birth to her? Had she come looking for her? Was she going to take her away and then make her live with her in a life of squalor with all her other children, as her father had always told her she did? She didn’t look scruffy and she had a car.

  Her father had been promoted just after that and they’d moved. Paula remembered not being very happy at having to go to another school.

  These things hadn’t bothered her for years. True, there had been times when in her depths of despair she had been angry at her mother for giving her away. She was still angry with her - leaving me to that monster, she thought. All the hate from the past began to rise again. But was history repeating itself? Had her real father been married to someone else? If he had been then she couldn’t have been much of a mother to give her baby away, whatever the circumstances.

  She needed to talk to someone, but it was eleven o’clock, too late to phone Sue. Perhaps they could have lunch together. Would Sue approve of the situation? Paula didn’t think so.

  She gently touched her stomach. ‘I will never part with you whatever happens,’ she said softly. ‘Never.’

  Chapter 18

  Twice during the following morning Paula had telephoned Sue but she wasn’t at home. She was anxious to speak to her, so when Sue walked into her office Paula leapt up to greet her.

  ‘Sue, I’m so pleased to see you.’ She held her close for a moment.

  Sue laughed. ‘What have I done to get a welcome like this?’

  ‘Can you stay and have a bit of lunch?’

  ‘Only if you’re paying.’

  ‘It can go on expenses. I’ll just get my jacket.’

  They walked out into the late April sunshine.

  ‘I love this time of year,’ said Paula, closing her eyes and holding her head up to feel the warmth of the sun on her face. ‘It’s a promise of what’s in store for us. All the buds are beginning to open to start a new life.’

  Sue laughed. ‘Hark at you. I must say it’s certainly given you a spring in your step and you look positively blooming. Mind you, can’t say I like the light nights tha
t much. I have a job to get the boys to bed when the sun’s still shining.’

  ‘Is that what being a mother is all about?’

  Sue nodded. ‘That and countless other things, but then I wouldn’t change any of it.’

  They reached a restaurant where Paula knew they could sit quietly and talk.

  They studied the menu and ordered.

  ‘How are the boys getting on at school?’

  ‘They love it. I think they tell their teacher all that goes on at home.’

  ‘That could be embarrassing. How long have they been there now?’

  ‘Since September. I do miss them through the day, though—no mess and no one to shout at.’

  ‘Don’t worry, they’ll be on holiday soon so you’ll be able to make up for it then.’

  ‘So, what’s this all about? You didn’t bring me here to discuss my kids.’

  Paula smiled. ‘You can read me like a book.’ She sat forward and said in a low voice, ‘I’m pregnant.’

  Sue’s pale blue eyes opened wide. ‘Are you sure?’

  Paula nodded.

  ‘How far gone are you?’

  ‘About six weeks.’

  ‘I thought you were on the pill.’

  ‘I was.’

  ‘Is it ... his?’

  Paula sat back. ‘Of course. What do you take me for?’

  ‘Just asked, that’s all. Does he know?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Are you pleased?’

  ‘Over the moon.’

  ‘And what does he say about it?’

  ‘He wants to pay for an abortion.’

  ‘What?’ yelled Sue.

  ‘Shh,’ said Paula looking round at the raised heads.

  Sue quickly put her hand to her mouth. ‘Sorry about that, but he’s such a bastard. I don’t like what he’s doing to you and his wife. Talk about having your cake and eating it.’

  ‘She knows about us.’

  ‘Does she? You’ve only got his word for it. You’ve never met her.’

  ‘Well, hardly. He can’t go up to her and say, “By the way, this is my bit on the side.”’

  ‘So ...’ Sue stopped as their food was put in front of them. ‘Thank you,’ she said to the waiter and picked up her knife and fork. ‘So,’ she repeated, ‘what’s going to happen?’

  ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘Are you going to have an abortion?’

  ‘No, course not. I stopped taking the pill because I want a baby.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘What about your job and your flat and a thousand other things - that’s without not having a husband in tow.’

  ‘I have thought very carefully about this and it’s what I want.’

  Sue smiled. ‘Good. I know you’re sensible and would have thought this through. So when’s it due?’

  ‘December. It could even be a Christmas baby.’

  ‘That’s bad timing. Poor little mite won’t have any birthday presents.’

  ‘Yes, it will. Sue, I’m so thrilled about it.’

  Sue touched her hand. ‘So am I. You’ll make a smashing mum and I’ll always be around to help in any way I can. Now I think we should have a glass of wine to wish you both good health.’

  Paula smiled. She knew she had done the right thing.

  ‘What are you going to do about his lordship?’

  ‘I don’t know. I suppose he’ll get fed up with me when I start getting fatter.’

  ‘Are you upset about that?’

  ‘I was last night, but now, strangely, no. I knew he might find a younger woman one day, but I thought he might have been a little more enthusiastic about being a father.’

  ‘Will he help to support it?’

  Paula shrugged her shoulders. ‘I’ll have to wait and see about that.’ She looked at her watch. ‘We’d better be quick. I have a client at two.’

  ‘Yes, of course. When are you seeing him?’

  ‘Tonight.’

  ‘Well, give me a ring after he goes if it’s not too late.’ She gave her a sly grin. ‘And if you’ve got any energy left.’

  ‘Don’t be cheeky.’

  Outside they kissed each other’s cheek and went off in different directions.

  Paula felt happy. She knew she could always rely on Sue, even if Trevor did desert her.

  That evening while Paula sat waiting for Trevor she was trying to evaluate how she felt towards him. At least, despite his early talk about divorce, he would never leave his wife. She admired him for that, while acknowledging he had lied at the start of their affair. Perhaps he’d come in this evening with a bottle of wine and a bouquet of flowers, tell her how much he loved her and wanted their baby. Then they would make love.

  She got her usual tingle of anticipation when she heard his key in the lock, and jumped up from the sofa to greet him.

  There were no flowers or wine. He came to her and holding her tight kissed her willing mouth.

  ‘I wasn’t sure you would be here tonight,’ she whispered as he kissed her neck.

  ‘Why?’ He held her at arm’s length.

  ‘I thought that after last night ...’

  ‘That’s why I’m here. Let’s sit down.’ He took her hand and led her to the sofa. He sat in the armchair opposite and leaned forward.

  ‘Paula, I’ve been giving a great deal of thought to what you told me and, well, I don’t think it’s such a good idea.’

  She wasn’t sure what she was expecting him to say.

  ‘I will make the necessary arrangements for you to go away. You will, of course, go to a private clinic. You can tell people you are going on holiday - that way no one will be any the wiser. We can go abroad for a week when it’s all over. A week in the sun will do you good.’

  She sat staring at him. ‘You don’t understand, do you? I want this baby. I don’t want to be sent away like some silly adolescent.’

  He stood up. ‘Well, I think you are being very selfish. You are throwing away not only your happiness, but mine as well. We enjoy a wonderful life together but we won’t be able to if you go ahead with this ... this stupid half-baked thing.’ He stood up and took a cigarette from the box on the mantelshelf.

  Paula watched him blow smoke into the air. ‘Trevor, I’m sorry this has upset you, but I am determined to have this baby and if you don’t like it then I’m afraid it’s over between us.’

  He looked stunned. ‘I don’t believe this. You would put a baby before me? After all we’ve meant to each other?’

  Paula could feel the tears stinging the backs of her eyes. She wasn’t going to cry in front of him. She didn’t want to turn him away, but what choice did she have?

  He ground his cigarette into the ashtray. ‘In that case you’d better have this.’ He dived his hand into his jacket pocket and threw her door key on to the coffee table. ‘I’ll always love you, Paula, and if at some time you see things my way I would be pleased to start all over again.’

  She didn’t see him out. The door slamming echoed round the silent flat. Tears began to fall. Was she being stupid? Is this what she really wanted? Why couldn’t he see things her way? Why couldn’t she have a baby and Trevor?

  The shrill ring of the telephone made her jump. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

  ‘Hello,’ she said into the receiver.

  ‘My God, you sound awful. Is he still there? Just answer yes or no.’

  ‘Sue.’ Paula began to cry.

  ‘Paula! Paula, are you all right?’ Sue’s voice was full of anguish.

  Paula sniffed. ‘Yes. Sorry about that.’

  ‘Has he gone?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Right, I’m coming round.’

  ‘You don’t have to.’

  ‘Yes I do. That’s what friends are for. See you in a bit.’ The phone was replaced.

  Paula went into the bathroom to repair her make-up. She blew her nose. ‘Oh, what the heck! I don’t have to put on a show for Sue,’
she said to her reflection in the mirror. ‘She’d rather I put the kettle on.’

  Sue was round in less than half an hour.

  ‘Right, what’s happened?’ she asked, removing her jacket.

  ‘He’s gone.’

  ‘For good?’

  Paula, fighting back the tears, nodded. ‘I think so. I’ve made some coffee.’

  ‘Good. We have got some talking to do. After we’ve had coffee, of course.’

  ‘Yes, Mum,’ Paula laughed half-heartedly.

  They went into the kitchen together.

  ‘Now have you been to the doctor?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘So it’s definite?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Sue suddenly threw her arms round Paula. ‘I’m so pleased for you. I know this is what you want.’

  ‘Don’t. You’ll have me in tears again.’

  ‘You can blame that on your hormones. How long do you intend to work?’

  ‘As long as I can. I’m going to sell this flat and get a small house. I thought of round your way. Kennington’s nice and the properties there hold their prices.’

  ‘And we’ve got the lovely park. You know I’ll give you any help and advice I can.’

  ‘I know that.’

  ‘If you like I’ll come to the hospital with you.’

  ‘That’ll be nice. Don’t fancy those blood tests—might pass out on them.’

  ‘Well, you let me know. I can always get Mum to look after the boys, and she can bring them home from school if need be. She doesn’t mind, in fact she thinks it’s great to look after them. I don’t like to put on her, but I know she gets lonely since Dad went.’

  ‘That was very sad.’

  ‘It was quick, just the way he wanted to go.’

  ‘But not so good for you and your mum.’

  ‘True. But hey, come on, cheer up. I’m here to talk about your forthcoming event.’

  Paula felt happier telling Sue her hopes and fears and they talked for hours.

  ‘Look at the time,’ said Sue. ‘Harry will think I’ve left home.’

  ‘Well, if he’s locked you out you’ll have to sleep here.’