Wishes and Tears

by Dee Williams

  ‘That’s good.’

  ‘Are you seeing Sue this weekend?’

  ‘Yes, do you want to come?’

  ‘No. I can see you another day. Besides, I must go and see Freda.’

  ‘Perhaps we could all have a get-together. What about a barbecue one weekend?’

  ‘That sounds a great idea. I’ll ask Danny, he likes doing that, and his garden has been purpose-built for it.’

  ‘Sue’s two love the pool. Are you sure he doesn’t mind?’

  ‘He revels in it. Tina said it’s the only time he’s willing to cook.’

  ‘They are a lovely couple. They always make me so welcome.’

  ‘Well, you’re part of their family now. I’ll give you a ring tonight after I’ve got in touch with Danny.’

  Janet stood and watched Paula walk away. Over these past few months Paula and Janet had been invited to Danny’s house and, along with Freda and Charlie, they had treated Paula like a long-lost child. When Paula was asked to invite Sue and Harry along Janet felt as if they had all been friends for years.

  Janet decided to get on the phone right away. With the bank holiday coming it would be a lovely time for them all to get together and sit around drinking and talking.

  When Janet and Paula arrived at Danny’s he raced up and, putting his arm round them, kissed their cheeks.

  ‘My favourite girls - well, after Tina and Emma that is. This was great idea of yours. Even Tina’s parents are here. Sue and Harry’s two are in the pool already. You going in, Jan?’

  ‘You know I can’t swim.’

  ‘Now’s a good time to learn.’

  ‘Not with you around it isn’t.’

  Freda, who was deep in conversation with Elsie, Tina’s mum, jumped up and kissed Janet when she walked in.

  ‘And how’s our baby?’ Freda asked gently tapping Paula’s stomach.

  ‘Great.’ Her smile lit up her face.

  ‘I was just telling young Freda here,’ said Tina’s mum, ‘it’s our ruby wedding at the end of October and we’re having a bit of a do and I’d like you both to come.’

  ‘That would be lovely. Where’s it going to be?’

  ‘Here. I ain’t got the room at my place and I don’t like halls - too empty - and Tine don’t mind. I’ll get her to send you both an invite. Got to do it all posh, like. You will be able to come with your mum, won’t you?’ she asked Paula.

  Janet winced.

  ‘Of course. Thank you.’

  ‘You must be ever so pleased that your mum found you. I notice you don’t call her Mum. Still, give it time. Mind you, it must have been a shock. Did you know you was adopted?’ Elsie only knew straight-talking.

  ‘Yes.’

  Janet took hold of Paula’s arm. ‘We must go and say hello to Sue.’ They moved on.

  ‘Sorry about that,’ said Janet.

  ‘That’s all right. She’s a nice lady.’

  ‘She means well.’

  They had a few words with Charlie, and Sue and Harry, when they could make themselves heard above the children’s squeals of delight. Everybody was having a wonderful time.

  Paula sat down. ‘Thanks for bringing me here.’

  Janet sat beside her. ‘I’m so pleased you’re enjoying yourself.’

  ‘My baby’s going to have a lot of playmates,’ she said, looking around. ‘You know some lovely people.’

  Janet smiled and let her eyes take in the scene. She was surrounded by people she loved and laughter was coming from every corner. ‘Yes, I am very lucky,’ she said.

  The following morning Paula was in the shower getting ready for work. The radio was loud as she listened to the reports of Earl Mountbatten’s death. Yesterday everybody had been very shocked and angry at the news and it had brought a sadness to Danny’s party.

  As always when she ran her hands over her stomach she talked to her baby.

  ‘Today I’ m going to take a very important man to see a very expensive house. So I don’t want you dancing and jiggling about.’ She gently soaped her breasts and her thoughts went to Trevor. Why hadn’t he bothered to get in touch? After all, this baby was his. She missed him touching her and making love. Had he loved her? She knew when she made the decision to have a baby that he wouldn’t be pleased at first, but she thought he would have seen it from her point of view. He had Glenda. Had she made the wrong decision? No, she smiled to herself. This baby was going have so much love.

  She suddenly stopped massaging her breasts. There was a lump. Fear filled her and she let the warm water cascade over her shoulders. ‘No, stop being silly,’ she admonished herself. ‘There can’t be anything wrong, I feel so well.’

  That evening when Paula got home from the office she quickly leafed through the books on pregnancy she had borrowed from the library.

  She began to read out loud, almost as if to reassure herself. “‘Sometimes the breasts feel lumpy due to the milk ducts.” See, I knew there was nothing to worry about.’ She tapped her stomach.

  Every morning while showering or having a bath Paula was half afraid to touch her breast. Every day she wanted to tell someone but fear made her stop; if she said nothing perhaps the lump would go away.

  As her breasts grew larger she convinced herself the lump had disappeared.

  At the end of September Paula was due at the hospital and she casually mentioned the lump to the doctor. He confirmed what she’d read in the book and was told it was nothing to worry about.

  Paula and Sue were having a coffee later that day when Sue said, ‘Are you feeling all right? You’ve been very off for a few weeks now.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ she answered rather too quickly.

  ‘No regrets?’

  Paula laughed. ‘No, course not.’

  ‘Has Trevor been worrying you?’

  ‘No. I haven’t seen him for months. I don’t think he’d be interested in me, not with this.’ She placed her hand on her stomach.

  Sue smiled. ‘You’re really beginning to show now. Looks like it could be a big baby.’

  ‘Not too big, I hope.’

  ‘Are you sleeping all right?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You’ve got bags under your eyes.’

  ‘Thanks, that really makes me feel good. Can’t you say anything nice?’

  Sue wasn’t convinced everything was fine and decided to call Janet when she got home.

  ‘Janet, it’s me, Sue. Is there anything wrong with Paula?’

  Janet was filled with alarm. ‘Why? What do you mean?’

  ‘I don’t know. I can’t put my finger on it; she seems worried somehow. She looks like she isn’t getting a lot of sleep.’

  ‘I’ll have a word with her.’

  ‘She’s very snappy and argumentative, which is not like her. I’ m worried it might be Trevor bothering her.’

  ‘She would have told you.’

  ‘I don’t know about that. She knows how I feel about him. Don’t let her know I said anything.’

  ‘Course not.’

  When Janet put the phone down she sat and thought about these last few weeks. Yes, there was something not quite right. Paula seemed tired and had lost her sparkle, and she had been inclined to be a bit touchy but Janet had put that down to her hormones. Tomorrow she would look up her records at the hospital just to see if she was hiding something from them.

  The next day Janet read through Paula’s notes very carefully and as far as she could see there weren’t any problems.

  That evening she phoned Sue and told her that everything appeared to be fine.

  Janet was going to see Paula later on the day the invitations to Tina’s parents’ ruby wedding party arrived. That evening she rang the doorbell of Paula’s flat and waited, then rang again, becoming fidgety. Paula knew she was coming tonight; it had been arranged at the weekend. Her car was outside and she didn’t walk anywhere these days. Janet rang the bell again, this time keeping her finger on the bell.

  ‘I’m coming.’ Paula pu
lled open the door. ‘Oh, it’s you. Sorry about that,’ she said, quickly turning her head.

  ‘Is everything all right?’

  ‘Yes.’ Paula desperately wanted to tell her about the lump and that it had returned.

  ‘I’ve got the invites.’

  ‘Invites? What to?’

  ‘The ruby wedding do. Have you forgotten?’

  ‘Yes. No. Sit down, I’ll make a coffee.’

  Janet could see she wasn’t listening. ‘Paula, are you sure you’re all right?’

  ‘Yes, yes I told you. Don’t fuss.’ Her voice was raised as she went quickly into the kitchen. Paula stood and looked at the kettle. She couldn’t think straight. She touched her breast. Should she tell Janet? But what if it was a false alarm? She was confused. Was she getting upset over nothing?

  Janet sat down. There was something wrong, but she didn’t like to ask if Trevor had been round upsetting her.

  ‘Kettle’s on,’ said Paula, returning to the lounge.

  Janet could see she had been crying. She jumped up. ‘Paula, what’s wrong?’

  ‘Nothing,’ she said abruptly, and turned to fiddle with a bowl of fruit that was on the coffee table. ‘It’s just that I’m fed up with you and Sue keeping on at me.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t realize we were.’

  ‘I just feel a bit under the weather, that’s all, and I get you and Sue on at me all the time, watching me like a hawk. I can’t move without one or the other of you. I want to do my own thing for a change. Make my own decisions.’

  Janet didn’t know what to say. ‘I’m sorry. Would you like to be left alone then?’

  ‘Yes,’ she snapped. ‘Yes I would. Just go, leave me. I should never have let you come into my life.’

  Janet was speechless. ‘I can’t leave you in this mood.’

  ‘I said go,’ screamed Paula. ‘I never want to see you again.’

  Janet had tears in her eyes. She picked up her handbag and slowly walked out of the room. Every step she took she wanted Paula to call her back, but she didn’t.

  Tears were dimming her view as she drove home. What had happened to bring this about? Why was she being pushed out? Had she been too overbearing? She couldn’t stand being rejected again.

  Paula stood at the window and watched her go. Why was she doing this to Janet? She knew the answer. Fear.

  When Janet arrived home she wanted to tell someone, but was afraid Paula wouldn’t like it if she phoned Sue, so she phoned Freda.

  ‘Why did she react like that?’ she cried to Freda.

  ‘Perhaps she’s right. Perhaps she is feeling stifled with you and Sue round her all the while.’

  ‘I’ll stand back.’

  ‘I think that’ll be wise. She’ll phone you when she’s calmed down.’

  ‘I hope so. I couldn’t stand to be tossed aside now.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’m sure everything’s all right. Just give her a bit of time.’

  ‘Thanks, Freda. What would I do without you?’

  ‘Dunno. By the way, did you get your invite to Elsie’s do?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I’m really looking forward to that. We’ll have to think of something nice to buy them.’

  ‘Yes, we will.’

  They said their goodbyes.

  Janet knew the last thing on her mind at the moment was Tina’s mum’s wedding anniversary.

  Paula, through her tears, watched Janet drive away. Why was she being so silly? Janet was the one person she should be able to confide in. Fear had been making her angry. She needed Janet and knew she had to ask her to come back. She had to talk to her.

  Paula dialled Janet’s number, but it was engaged. She would be telling Sue and in a few minutes Sue would be round here banging on the door.

  She sat and looked at the phone. She had made up her mind that tomorrow she would go and see her doctor and then this thing would be all behind her. She felt her baby move. Please don’t let it be anything dreadful, she prayed.

  The following evening Paula was surprised that Sue hadn’t been round. Perhaps Janet hadn’t phoned her.

  After seeing her doctor she still needed comfort, and phoned Janet. She knew she should apologize, and sooner rather than later was better for everyone.

  ‘I’m sorry about yesterday,’ said Paula. ‘Could you come round?’

  ‘I’ 11 see you in about half an hour.’

  When Paula opened her door she said, ‘I tried to phone you last night but you were engaged.’

  Janet felt angry at being on the phone when Paula had wanted her. Why had she bothered to tell Freda? ‘I’m sorry about that. I was talking to Freda; we were discussing the present for Tina’s parents.’

  ‘I’m so sorry for what I said, but you see I was really worried.’ Paula sat down and tears began to stream down her cheeks.

  Janet sat beside her. ‘What about? Is it Trevor?’

  Paula shook her head.

  Janet gave her a tissue and Paula blew her nose.

  ‘Please tell me what’s wrong.’

  ‘I was just being silly. You see, I’ve got this lump, and well, I thought it was getting bigger.’

  ‘Where?’ asked Janet in alarm.

  Paula pointed to her left breast.

  Janet sat stunned. ‘Have you told your doctor?’

  Paula nodded. ‘I went to see him today.’

  ‘What did he say?’

  ‘Said it was nothing to worry about. It was probably my milk ducts.’

  ‘He could be right.’

  ‘I know. But somehow ... I’m very worried about it.’

  ‘How long have you felt it?’

  ‘About six weeks now.’

  ‘Six weeks!’ screamed Janet. ‘And you’ve kept it to yourself ?’

  She nodded. ‘At first I didn’t see any point in making a fuss. But it is getting bigger.’

  ‘No wonder you’ve been a bit sharp. Paula, you should have said something.’

  ‘I didn’t want to make a fuss.’

  ‘Can you get tomorrow off work?’

  ‘If need be. Why?’

  ‘I’ll try and have a word with Dr Parker.’

  ‘What will he do?’

  ‘He’ll have a look and confirm what your doctor has told you.’

  ‘Is he a mother and baby doctor?’

  ‘No. But he’s very patient and good at sorting out things.’

  ‘What kind of things?’

  ‘He looks at all sorts of lumps and bumps.’

  Paula sat very still and quietly asked, ‘Is he a cancer doctor?’

  ‘No. Well, in a way, yes.’

  ‘Is that what you think it might be?’

  ‘No, I don’t,’ said Janet forcefully. ‘But that’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it?’

  Paula nodded.

  ‘Well, in that case we had better make sure you can put that idea right out of your mind.’

  ‘But what if ... ?’

  ‘I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.’

  Paula put her arm round Janet. ‘I’m so glad I’ve got you to talk to. I feel awful about last night. I didn’t think you’d want to see me again.’

  Janet smiled. ‘If you think one little outburst is going to put me off, then you don’t really know me.’ Janet held her close. She was fighting back her tears. ‘Now, what about this coffee?’

  It was well into the night before Janet reluctantly left. All the way home her mind was going over and over the evening. What torment had Paula been going through? Why had she kept this to herself for so long? At least now she was able to share her anxieties.

  Janet would go in to work early tomorrow and see Dr Parker before he started his rounds. He was a very busy man but she knew she could get him to see Paula, who had decided to go to work and wait for Janet’s call, just in case the doctor couldn’t see her right away.

  They had to know for sure.

  Janet’s mind was in a muddle. All kinds of thoughts kept coming in
to it and she tried to banish them away. God couldn’t be that cruel to take ...

  ‘Please,’ she said out loud. ‘Please don’t let it be ...’ She couldn’t say the word.

  Chapter 24

  Danny looked at his watch: six o’clock. Mondays were always dead, and he’d promised Tina he’d try to get home early. It was hot and he felt tetchy. He’d been dealing with a difficult supplier all day and still hadn’t got the part he wanted.

  He was just locking the office door when a car drew into the courtyard. He cursed under his breath. He didn’t want anybody wasting time looking over cars they had no intention of buying.

  The driver got out and for a moment he stood looking at Danny. Then the man, who was slightly greying at the temples, came up and shook Danny’s hand. Danny was speechless.

  ‘Hi there, me old mate. Long time no see,’ he said with a slight Canadian twang.

  ‘Mark! What the bloody hell are you doing here?’

  ‘That is just the sort of welcome I’d expect from you.’ To Mark the years just fell away; it was as though he had never left. ‘So, you still own this place then?’

  Danny threw his arms round Mark’s shoulders and held him close. ‘It’s good to see you, me old mucker. Why didn’t you let me know? How’re you doing then?’ Danny was pumping his arm up and down.

  ‘Not bad. Not bad at all.’

  ‘So what you doing over here, and why ain’t you ever written?’

  ‘It’s a long, long story.’

  ‘Where are you staying? Can you spare the time to come and have a drink?’

  ‘I thought you’d never ask.’

  ‘Look, I’ll just go and phone the wife.’

  Mark grinned. ‘So you’re married then? Who’s the lucky girl?’

  ‘Tina, you don’t know her. Come in the office.’ Danny opened the door.

  ‘I must say you’ve certainly tarted the place up a bit since I was here last,’ said Mark, looking around. ‘Wasn’t sure you’d still be here; thought you’d be in the nick by now.’

  ‘Thanks. I might tell you I’m a respectable trader now.’