Wishes and Tears

by Dee Williams

  Mark laughed. ‘Wasn’t sure I was at the right place. Even the office looks smart.’

  ‘I had to get a new one; the last one was falling down.’

  ‘You’ve got some pretty good cars out there.’

  ‘Gone a bit upmarket.’

  ‘I can see that. Got a partner yet?’

  ‘Na. Rather go it alone. You’re looking good, Mark.’

  ‘So are you.’

  ‘Getting a bit grey round the edges now.’

  ‘Aren’t we both?’ Mark ran his fingers over his hair. ‘Still, you look very prosperous.’

  ‘I mustn’t grumble.’ He picked up the phone and dialled. ‘Hello, love, it’s me. Look, I’ll probably be home late tonight. Yes, I know I did but something’s come up. Do you remember Mark? Janet’s Mark.’ Danny noted Mark’s head shot up at Janet’s name. ‘Yes, that’s the one. Well, he’s here, bold as brass and twice as handsome. We’re going for a drink.’ There was a long pause. ‘That’s none of our business,’ he said, turning his back on Mark. ‘Yes, I’ll get a cab. Kiss Jason good night for me. Bye.’ He replaced the phone and turned to Mark. ‘Right, that’s settled.’

  ‘You’ve got kids?’ asked Mark.

  ‘Two, a boy and a girl.’ He proudly handed Mark one of the pictures on his desk. ‘That’s Jason - he’s six - and that’s Emma. She’s fourteen now and a right little madam.’

  ‘They look great kids and your wife is certainly a stunner. How did you manage to get one as good-looking as that?’

  Danny laughed. ‘It’s me charm and you can keep your eyes off her.’

  ‘Well, I never pictured you as a family man.’

  ‘What about you, you got any kids?’

  ‘No.’ Mark’s reply was short. ‘Now, how about this drink?’

  ‘Leave your car here. We can walk round the corner. Where’re you staying tonight?’

  ‘Don’t know yet.’

  ‘Why don’t you come back to my place?’

  ‘I can’t do that.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Your wife might not like it.’

  ‘She won’t mind. I’ 11 give her a ring later and tell her.’

  When they were finally seated in the pub with their drinks, Danny began asking questions.

  ‘Anyway, what you doing back here?’

  ‘I came over this time for my dad’s funeral.’

  ‘You’ve been back before this then?’

  ‘Once or twice.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear about your dad.’

  Mark shrugged. ‘It happens to us all. Anyway, I thought that after all these years I’d bury the hatchet and come and look you up. Not that I really thought you’d still be at the same place.’

  ‘Well, I’ll be buggered, after all this time. I never thought I’d see you again after the to-do we had when you left here. By the way, that bloke didn’t have a driving licence; he couldn’t drive. He got sent down.’

  ‘I was a bit hasty over that.’

  ‘And leaving Jan. That was a rotten thing to do.’

  ‘You know about that?’ Mark looked surprised.

  ‘She did tell me.’

  ‘I never thought I’ d ever hear of her again. She left Stowford and nobody knew where she’d gone.’ He looked into his glass and gently swirled the beer round.

  ‘Did you try to find her then?’

  He nodded. ‘I made a few enquiries some years back.’

  ‘Well, it’s all water under the bridge now.’ Danny decided he had better not pursue that line of conversation and quickly said, ‘So, are you married? Have you brought the missis over here?’

  ‘No, I’m not married now. I was, but it didn’t work out.’

  ‘Sorry to hear about that.’

  ‘I’ve got a good job, though.’

  ‘Still in the car game?’

  ‘Yes. I’m a manager of a big firm, leasing and that sort of thing. They’ve got branches in the States. We do a lot of business down there.’

  ‘So, how long you over here for?’

  ‘About six weeks all told.’

  ‘Blimey, that must be a good firm. With pay?’

  Mark nodded. ‘I had a lot of holidays due, and at this time of the year when the weather starts to turn, that’s when I normally go to the States for them. This year they didn’t mind me coming back over here first.’

  Danny noted he didn’t say home. ‘Where’re you living then?’

  ‘Toronto.’

  ‘Is it all right?’

  ‘It’s great. Don’t think I could live back here, not now. How long have you been hitched then?’

  ‘A few years.’

  ‘Still living in the same house?’ ‘Yer. Had quite a bit of work done on it, had an extension added, and a swimming pool.’

  Mark gave a low whistle. ‘A pool, now that has to be something. Is it indoors?’

  ‘No, worse luck, but I might see if I can get a dome or something over it so we can use it all year round. What’s your place like?’

  ‘Just a town house, but I’ve got a cabin in the mountains that I use at weekends. It’s great in the summer and good for skiing in the winter.’

  ‘Sounds good.’

  ‘You’ll have to come over sometime. The cabin’s by a lake and in the summer the swimming and the fishing’s fantastic.’

  As the evening wore on the drinks set them off reminiscing. They talked about their days way back in the army where they met, and then when Danny first started his car business.

  ‘You had some right old heaps in those days,’ said Mark.

  Danny laughed. ‘It paid off, though.’

  ‘And what about the grotty flat?’

  ‘You should have seen it when Jan lived there.’

  ‘Jan lived in it? She came to London?’ Mark had been deliberately avoiding asking about her. ‘Do you still see her?’

  ‘We’re good mates.’

  ‘How is she?’

  ‘Very well. She never married.’

  Mark looked into his glass. ‘Where is she now?’

  ‘Not far away. Got a nice little house and she works at the hospital. Her and Paula come over quite a bit.’

  ‘Do you know why I went away?’

  ‘It was over the car thing and Jan looking for her daughter, wasn’t it?’

  ‘You knew she had a daughter?’

  ‘Not till you went off.’

  ‘She told you?’ Mark put his drink down in surprise.

  ‘You were a bastard over that and she needed a shoulder to cry on. She came up here to live and work and to track down Paula. It took her a long time.’

  ‘She found her?’ His voice was full of astonishment.

  ‘It took years, but yes, she found her. Jan is a very determined lady.’

  ‘Is she keeping well?’ he asked softly.

  Danny smiled. ‘I should say so. She still looks good and she’s gonner be a granny. Look, why don’t you stay up here for a day or two, then I can get her to meet you somewhere?’

  ‘No. No, I can’t. I don’t want to intrude on her life, not after all this time.’

  ‘Don’t be daft. She’ll be pleased to see you, and I’m sure she don’t hold any grudges. Jan’s not like that.’

  ‘You seem to know her pretty well.’ Mark drained his glass.

  ‘As I said, I was there when she needed a shoulder to cry on. I’ve got a very soft spot for Jan, and I would have married her at one time if she’d given me half a chance.’

  ‘What does your wife think of that?’

  ‘She loves Jan, and Paula. All the family do. I still think Jan’s carrying a torch for you.’

  ‘Don’t talk daft. After all these years?’

  ‘She never married. She’s a smashing person.’

  ‘You sound as if you’re carrying the torch.’

  ‘I did for a good many years, before Tina came on the scene, but no, not now. Look, I’ll phone Tina and we can go home and finish our drinking there.’

&nb
sp; When Danny went to the phone Mark sat and thought about Janet. What did she look like now? She would no longer be that slim young girl he knew and had loved. Danny had said she was going to be a granny. Had her daughter been pleased to see her? Did her son-in-law approve of what she had done all those years ago? Was she still angry with him after the way he had treated her? His mother had told him that she had left Stowford the day after he did and nobody had heard a word from her since. Did she know her father had passed away? Had she lived in London all this time? He would like to see her again, but did she want to see him?

  ‘Right, that’s settled,’ said Danny. ‘I’ve called a cab.’

  ‘Will my car be all right on your forecourt?’

  ‘I should think so.’

  ‘It’s a hire car.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it.’

  ‘Does your wife mind?’ asked Mark as Danny downed his beer.

  ‘No, she’s a good ’en.’

  ‘D’you know, this beer’s going to my head.’

  ‘Now that’s one thing Tina don’t approve of.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘Blokes chucking up all over the place.’

  ‘No fear of that. It’s too good to waste.’

  They left the pub laughing, but both were thinking about Janet.

  They sat in the taxi, each with his own thoughts.

  Danny wanted to phone her secretly and tell her Mark was here, but would she want to see him?

  Mark was keen to see Janet again. He needed to ask her forgiveness. Danny had said she hadn’t married. He smiled to himself. After all these years did he stand a chance? She had found her daughter. She had to be admired for that. He now knew he should never have been so stupid - and that deep down he had never stopped loving Janet even though he had married Babs. Janet was so different: when she loved she gave it her all, as looking for her daughter had proved. He would so much like to be part of her life again, to show her his new way of life, but would she want to share it with him? He knew he had to see her before he returned to Canada.

  As soon as he set eyes on Tina, Mark knew what had attracted Danny. She was a tall blonde with laughing blue eyes, and even after having two kids she still had a great figure. She gave her husband a big hug but stood back when Danny introduced her to Mark.

  ‘Hello,’ she said offering her hand. ‘I’ve heard a lot about you.’

  Mark felt ill at ease. ‘And I know it’s not all good.’

  She didn’t answer and turning to Danny said, ‘I only hope you two haven’t been drinking too much.’

  ‘No, love, just a couple of pints.’

  ‘I’ve made a bed up for you in the spare room,’ she said to Mark abruptly and without hiding her feelings.

  ‘Thank you. I hope I’m not putting you out.’

  ‘Would you like a cup of coffee?’

  ‘I’ll put the kettle on,’ said Danny.

  ‘You’ve done wonders with this house. I would never have recognized it,’ said Mark, looking around.

  ‘That’s Tina’s good taste. You wait till morning and get a shufty at the garden.’

  ‘This room is really smart.’ Mark was sitting on the floral sofa in the lounge. Soft lighting added to the room’s charm.

  Mark sensed Tina didn’t like him and that made the conversation stilted. He was glad when they finished their coffee and everyone agreed it was time for bed.

  Mark lay stretched out on his back with his arms behind his head and, looking up at the ceiling, reflected on his life. It was something he had done many times since going to Canada. At first he was so homesick and never thought he would stay.

  He could understand Tina’s opinion of him, he knew what he’d done had been very cowardly. If only things had been different ...

  He could remember every moment of that day, all those years ago, when he’d left Stowford. As he drove home from Danny’s that evening he was so very upset and never imagined that Janet wouldn’t go to Canada with him to start a new life. And he could never in his wildest dreams have guessed that her reason for not going was to look for her long-lost kid.

  After he had left her standing at her gate with tears running down her face he had driven about the village, trying to get his head round the thought that she had a child. Why hadn’t she told him about it before? He should have given her another chance to explain and himself a few days to cool his heels, but that wasn’t his way. Worried the police might be looking for him, he had collected his things from the flat and stayed at the YMCA, while waiting for his paperwork to go to Canada to be completed. He thought about Jan and the hurt he felt and at the time part of him had been reluctant to board the plane, but he couldn’t go back.

  When he arrived in Toronto he felt out of place, but he got lucky in finding a job as a mechanic. Babs worked in the office and before long they were dating and were married within the year. There were long hours with the job, but he had stuck with it and when promotion was on the cards he was put forward. He was their main traveller now, but it meant many days and sometimes even weeks away from home. He didn’t mind that, as he and Babs weren’t hitting it off, and it was no surprise when she left him for another bloke and they moved away.

  Mark turned over. He was pleased Janet had found her daughter. He would love to see her again. Danny said she had never married and he felt guilty at letting her down. How did her family react to the news that he had jilted her? He shuddered. That was a horrible word, but then it was a horrible deed and he felt full of remorse. Many times he had thought of trying to find her, but where would he look? Now he knew where she was and he had to see her and ask her forgiveness. But would she forgive him? He was angry with himself for throwing away all these years.

  It had taken the death of his father to realize life was short and you shouldn’t have hang-ups. It was those thoughts that brought him back to London and to Danny, but in any case he now felt unsettled and wasn’t sure what he wanted out of life. He was pleased his mother was going to Canada with him for a holiday. How many times had he asked them both to come over? With the money he was earning he could afford to pay their fares, but it was too late for his dad now.

  His eyes began to feel heavy. It had been a long day. He knew that when sleep did come he would, as he had many other nights, be dreaming of Janet.

  Chapter 25

  Paula had spent the night drinking coffee and reading, but the words on the page hadn’t registered. Every time she got back into bed she’d pummel her pillow, turning this way and that, trying to get comfortable, but sleep wouldn’t come. So many questions were going through her mind. What if it was cancer and she died? What would happen to her baby? What would Trevor’s reactions be to all this? She quickly dismissed that thought as she knew he couldn’t handle another problem. What did return to her mind over and over again was, thank God Janet had found her. She knew now how much her mother had come to mean to her and she would need all her support. Janet was someone who had her interest at heart and would look after her. Tears filled her eyes. What will I do if I’m told the worst? she wept. She needed to talk to Janet. Paula looked at the clock; it was three o’clock. She couldn’t phone her, not at this time of the morning.

  Janet was glad to see the dawn finally break. Most of the night she had been awake, tossing and turning, worrying about Paula. Had Paula managed to sleep? What was going through her mind? She wanted to be with her. At three o’clock this morning Janet had been making more coffee. She would dearly have loved to have phoned Paula, to talk to her and try to reassure her, but decided against it, just in case she was sleeping. When Janet looked in the mirror she knew her dreadful night was showing.

  Having arrived at the hospital early she managed to track down Dr Parker, who was in his consulting room having a coffee before starting his long day. She carefully explained about Paula.

  He sat listening intently, then finally asked, ‘When can I see your daughter?’

  ‘As soon as you can arrange it.’
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br />   ‘You know it doesn’t have to be cancer. Pregnant women get all sorts of lumps.’

  ‘She said it has grown.’

  He looked at her and said gently, ‘I’ll draw off some of the cells and we’ll know better when they’ve been examined.’

  ‘How long will that take?’

  ‘A few days for the results to come through.’

  ‘But what if—’

  ‘Please, don’t start worrying too much at this stage. If it is cancer, remember today we have a good recovery record - not the best in the world, I grant you, but we are making strides.’ He called in his nurse. ‘Make arrangements for Miss Slater’s daughter to have an appointment for a biopsy as soon as possible.’ He turned to Janet and smiled.

  She gave him a faint smile back and, following the nurse, left the room.

  ‘I didn’t know you had a daughter,’ said the nurse as she leafed through the appointment book.

  Janet didn’t reply.

  ‘Could she come in next week?’

  ‘Oh,’ said Janet in alarm. ‘Nothing sooner? I was hoping it would be today?’

  ‘He’s a very busy man, you know.’

  ‘I expect he is.’ Janet knew how fiercely loyal some of the nurses were to their doctors and would do anything to keep their lists down. ‘You understand we would like to know the answer soon,’ she said meekly.

  ‘I’ll find out. I can only do my best.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  She went back to the doctor and within a few minutes came out smiling. ‘You must have some sort of charm. He said if you can get her here today after his rounds he’ll see her then, not for the biopsy, just to see if it’s needed.’

  Janet wanted to throw her arms round him. At the end of today would all their fears be dismissed?

  Janet was on the phone immediately, telling Paula to meet her at the hospital before six.

  She asked Paula how she felt and she said fine and gave a little laugh, but Janet could detect fear in her voice. Unfortunately Janet couldn’t say much over the phone so the conversation was cut short.

  When Janet put the phone down she sat and reflected on the morning so far. What if the consultation brought news neither of them wanted to hear? Dr Parker hadn’t made any comments when Janet had been explaining the situation to him. The phone ringing made her jump. It was still a bit early for appointments to be booked.