Wishes and Tears

by Dee Williams

  Slowly they walked in silence till they reached the car park, then Paula began to laugh. It was a loud hysterical laugh and at the same time tears were running down her cheeks.

  ‘Paula, what’s wrong?’

  ‘Me and you. We really are of the same mould. Both cursed.’ She leant against the car and cried. They were bitter, angry tears. ‘Don’t you see? You spend your life looking for me, then when you find me I’m going to die on you. Now my baby is going to be like me, it’ll have no mum to love and look after it.’

  Janet felt as if she’d been shot. All the hurt she’d suffered these past years was bearing down on her. This shouldn’t be happening. What could she say? ‘Paula, don’t say such things. Don’t be such a pessimist.’

  ‘What else can I do, start singing “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life”?’

  ‘Now you’re being silly.’

  ‘Am I? I don’t want to die.’

  Janet felt herself tense. She wanted to scream out, ‘You are not going to die.’ Instead she said softly, ‘Remember what they said. Let’s take one step at a time and see how you feel tomorrow.’

  Paula’s mind was racing when she got into Janet’s car. What was going to happen to her baby? How much time did she have? Suddenly she knew she had to be positive. She mustn’t think about herself; she had to make plans for her baby’s welfare. Tomorrow she would see about making a will.

  At first Paula moved in with Janet but after a week of tears, frustration and worry, the arrangement was not working. Paula decided she wanted to go home. She had completely dismissed the idea of having a Caesarean and Janet knew that if she kept nagging she would lose her. Sue also gave up as she too knew Paula had made up her mind.

  Two weeks passed in which Janet hadn’t seen Paula. She phoned but the conversation was always curt and cut short. Janet tearfully phoned Sue, who told her Paula was keeping herself to herself. Sue hadn’t seen much of Paula and she was also very worried. On Sunday morning they decided to meet outside Paula’s flat. They went up the stairs together and rang her bell.

  Janet gasped when Paula opened the door.

  ‘What do you two want?’ Her eyes had lost their sparkle and had dark rings under them. Her hair was lank and untidy.

  ‘Oh, that’s very nice,’ said Sue, pushing past her and walking in.

  ‘Paula, you don’t look well,’ said Janet, following Sue.

  ‘Have you forgotten I’m pregnant and I’ve got cancer?’

  ‘No, of course we haven’t. We’re both very worried about you.’

  ‘I’ll make a cuppa,’ said Sue, moving towards the kitchen. ‘My God,’ she called out. ‘The state of this place.’

  Paula looked guilty. ‘Well, I didn’t feel like doing any clearing up.’

  ‘I can see that,’ said Sue, standing in the doorway.

  ‘What’s the point when I’m going to die anyway?’

  ‘I do love your positive attitude,’ said Sue. Janet could see her hands shaking. ‘But what about that little bundle you’re carrying? Do you intend to bring it home to this pigsty?’

  Janet felt uncomfortable. She could see the lovely flat was in turmoil. Only Sue could talk to Paula like this.

  ‘Right, Jan, can you give me a hand to clear up this mess?’ said Sue.

  Janet quickly moved to the kitchen.

  ‘You don’t have to, you know,’ said Paula.

  ‘I’m not drinking tea here till I wash some of this lot. You can’t live like this. What on earth has got into you? You’ve always been so fussy.’ Sue began to fill the sink with water and dirty crocks.

  Paula stood and looked at them and suddenly tears ran down her face. ‘What’s going to happen to my baby?’

  Janet threw the tea towel on to the unit and gathered Paula into her arms.

  ‘Have you decided yet what you’re going to do?’ asked Sue softly.

  Paula nodded. ‘As I’m now over seven months I’ve decided to go ahead with the Caesarean.’

  ‘Thank God for that,’ said Sue.

  ‘And the mastectomy?’

  Paula shook her head. ‘I don’t think I could bear to look at my body after that. Besides, who would want me then? I know Trevor couldn’t bear to look at me.’

  ‘Has Trevor been in touch then?’ asked Sue quickly.

  ‘No.’

  ‘I can tell you that any man that was worth his salt would love you as you are,’ said Sue.

  Paula looked at her. ‘It’s all right for you, you’ve got a good man.’

  Janet felt ill at ease. ‘Look, you have a rest, then we’ll pack your case and you move in with me. We can sort anything else out later.’

  ‘We’d better get this flat in some sort of order first,’ said Sue, pulling on rubber gloves.

  A week later Janet and Sue kissed Paula goodbye and left her in bed waiting to be prepared for her Caesarean. Despite all the talking and nagging she was still adamant, she wasn’t going to have a mastectomy. Dr Parker was going to do a wedge operation to remove the growth a few days after she’d had the baby.

  Janet sat with Sue as they waited in the coffee shop.

  ‘I’m so worried,’ said Janet, playing with the spoon in the saucer of her third cup of coffee.

  ‘I know,’ said Sue.

  ‘This had been the longest week of my life.’

  ‘It’s a good thing she’s got you to turn to. She told me she had phoned Trevor and told him the baby was going to be born today.’

  ‘Yes. She didn’t tell him why and he didn’t ask.’

  ‘She said he was very offhand.’

  ‘Yes, he was, and that really upset her.’

  ‘That sounds like him. Is he going to give her any financial support?’

  ‘She said she wants nothing from him.’

  ‘But how will she manage?’

  ‘Don’t worry, we will. It gives me a chance to make up for all the lost years.’

  ‘If you ask me I think she’s better off without him.’

  ‘I don’t know. Do you know if she loves him?’

  ‘She did once but not now.’

  ‘A bit like me in some ways,’ said Janet wistfully.

  ‘You managed to get to see Mark then?’

  Janet nodded. ‘Only the once on our own.’ Sue knew that Mark had been staying with Danny and everybody knew their story. ‘He’s back in Canada now.’

  ‘Are you sorry you didn’t get a chance to meet him again?’

  ‘In some ways it would have been nice, but there you go, that’s the story of my life.’ She gave a little laugh.

  ‘I’ll phone Danny and Freda as soon as we know about the baby.’

  ‘Just think, today you’re going to be a grandmother.’

  Although tears were stinging her eyes, somehow Janet managed to smile. ‘Friday, the ninth of November. We shall soon know if it’s a boy or a girl.’

  ‘Do you mind which?’

  Janet shook her head. ‘I hope they are both going to be all right.’

  Sue gently touched Janet’s hand. ‘I’m sure they will be. Paula is very much like you, a very determined young lady, and like you she will go to any lengths for what she wants.’

  ‘I hope so. I was worried when she started saying she wasn’t going to have a seven-month baby.’

  ‘She was determined to hang on a little longer, just to give it a better chance.’

  ‘What about her? What chance does she have?’

  ‘I’m not going to even think about that.’

  ‘D’you want another cuppa?’ asked Janet.

  ‘Why not? I’ll get them.’

  When Sue walked away Janet’s thoughts went to Freda and the baby she’d lost. She’d been eight months. Janet hadn’t told anyone of her fears. She closed her eyes and said a silent prayer for Paula.

  At long last a nurse came up to them.

  ‘Miss Slater?’

  ‘Yes?’ said Janet, jumping to her feet.

  ‘You have a dear little granddaughter.
As she only weighs four and a half pounds she is in intensive care, but you will be able to see her soon.’

  ‘How is my daughter?’

  ‘As well as can be expected.’

  ‘Can I see her?’

  ‘As soon as we’ve tidied her up. By the way, have you got a name for the baby?’

  Fear gripped Janet. ‘Why? Is something wrong?’

  The nurse smiled. ‘No, it’s just that we like to know if there’s a name we can put on her wristband.’

  ‘Is the baby all right?’

  ‘Yes. She’s beautiful.’

  Janet slumped back down on to the seat.

  Sue, who all this time had been silent, said, ‘Well, that’s the first hurdle over.’

  Janet put her head in her hands and cried.

  Sue sat beside Janet, staring into space. As a mother she knew what it was to love a child. She put her arms round Janet’s shoulders. ‘Has Paula thought of a name?’ she asked.

  Janet shook her head. ‘Not really. She was thinking of Peter - that was my father’s name - if it had been a boy. She said she couldn’t make up her mind about a girl’s name.’

  ‘Well, it takes time to get it right.’

  When the nurse came and told them they could go and see baby Brook they both leapt to their feet and followed her. Although Janet worked at the hospital in reception she was well away from the maternity unit and the layout and the staff were new to her. Both she and Sue were very apprehensive as they walked into intensive care.

  ‘You must stay this side of the glass,’ said the nurse as she disappeared through a door.

  The bleeps and sounds from the monitors attached to the babies filled the air ominously. They moved closer to the glass partition, and Sue clutched Janet’s hand when the nurse smiled and pointed to an incubator with a very small baby inside.

  ‘This is baby Brook.’ They could just about make out what she was mouthing.

  ‘Welcome to the world,’ said Sue softly.

  Janet stood and gazed at this tiny pink bundle that had a couple of wires attached to her. She was wearing a pretty little pink bonnet and a nappy. Her thin, sticklike arms were moving about in jerky movements. Janet was having difficulty in seeing as tears fell from her eyes.

  ‘She’s lovely,’ she whispered.

  They stood looking almost hypnotized. At last the nurse came out and said they could go and see Paula.

  Janet blew the baby a kiss. ‘Sleep tight, my precious. We’re going to see your mummy.’

  Once again Janet and Sue were hurrying along the many corridors. They didn’t speak till they were in the lift.

  ‘She’s lovely,’ said Sue, leaning against the wall.

  ‘Yes, she is.’ Janet was beaming. ‘Somehow Caesarean babies’ heads always seem to be pink and round.’

  ‘They don’t have such a struggle to get into this world,’ said Sue.

  ‘That’s true.’

  Janet felt a little apprehensive when they got out of the lift and made their way to Paula’s room.

  They were told she was in a side ward and they carefully pushed open the door.

  Paula was lying on her back with her eyes closed.

  When Janet and Sue walked in she opened her eyes.

  ‘Hello,’ she croaked. ‘Have you seen her?’

  Janet nodded and, pulling a chair closer, took hold of Paula’s hand. ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘Numb at the moment.

  ‘What does she look like?’

  ‘She’s lovely and she’s got a mop of dark hair,’ said Sue sitting next to Janet.

  ‘Thank you for such a beautiful granddaughter. You are a clever girl.’

  Paula gave a little grin. ‘It wasn’t all that hard.’

  ‘Have you thought of a name yet?’ asked Sue.

  Paula nodded. ‘I’ve given this a lot of thought. How do you like Janie?’

  Janet swallowed hard. ‘Janie sounds lovely.’

  ‘In a way I wanted to call her after you. When do you think they’ll let me see her?’ asked Paula.

  ‘I don’t know,’ replied Janet, swallowing back a sob. ‘As soon as possible I should think.’

  ‘It’s shame I can’t feed her.’

  ‘Why’s that?’ asked Sue.

  ‘Because I’ll be having that radiotherapy.’

  ‘Of course,’ said Sue softly.

  To Janet suddenly the joy of the moment had gone. They now had this big problem to overcome. They would face it together head on.

  Chapter 27

  Three days after Janie was born Paula’s wedge operation was performed. They were going to start her radiotherapy treatment a week later.

  At first Paula felt sore and miserable, but Janet was there whenever possible with a soft word and a small treat.

  Every morning before she went to work Janet would hurry along to the intensive care unit to see Janie, and then when she’d finished for the day she would go and sit with Paula.

  One afternoon Paula was sitting in the intensive care unit beside Janie’s incubator holding her baby’s tiny hand when a nurse came up.

  ‘You’ll be able take her home when you go. She’s gaining weight nicely.’

  Paula was suddenly filled with both panic and pleasure, but when she looked down at her beautiful daughter, these feelings were replaced with despair. Would she ever see her grow up, go to school, have boyfriends and perhaps marry? Tears streamed down Paula’s face.

  ‘Are you all right?’ asked the nurse, putting a comforting arm round her.

  ‘Could she get cancer through me?’

  ‘All possible tests have been done, and of course she will be monitored, but it’s very unlikely.’

  Paula fished in the pocket of her dressing gown for a tissue to wipe her eyes. ‘I can’t wait to hold her and cuddle her.’

  The nurse stood next to Paula and looked at Janie. ‘She is lovely. And I think you can have that cuddle now.’ The nurse lifted Janie out.

  Paula smiled at the tiny arms and legs waving about. She held her close to her, savouring her lovely baby smell. Janie turned her head and nuzzled against her. Paula then realized what a dreadful wrench it must have been for Janet to part with her all those years ago.

  When Janet proudly brought her daughter and granddaughter home, Janet was thrilled when Paula asked if she could stay with her for a while till she got on her feet.

  As Paula was going to have go to the hospital every morning for her radiotherapy treatment a rota had been planned between Sue, Tina and Janet to take her or look after Janie, with Freda coming over and helping out at the weekends.

  At first the treatment made Paula very sick but as the weeks progressed she found she was feeling less ill.

  Every evening Janet would hurry home from work, eager to see her daughter and granddaughter, who was so small and delicate that at first Janet was almost afraid to hold her.

  She was such a good baby and to Janet the thrill of feeding, changing and bathing her and doing all the other wonderful things she never did with Paula was marvellous. Even burping her at two in the morning was a joy. Many times Janet was pleased to have Sue around to give a helping hand and to use it as an excuse to bill and coo over the baby if Paula wanted to rest in the afternoon while her mother was at work.

  Janie Paula were the names Paula had chosen, and on Sunday, 16 December, Janie was christened. Freda, Sue and Danny were her godparents and everybody went back to Danny’s where Tina, as usual, had put on a wonderful spread. Janet thought her heart would burst she was so happy, but they all knew about the dark cloud that was hanging over them.

  Everybody was fussing over Paula and the baby and at last Janet found a quiet moment to have a word with Tina to thank her for what she’d done. ‘This is a lovely spread, and the cake is super. I can never thank you enough, and her christening gown was perfect.’

  ‘Well, we knew you wouldn’t have time to do much. ’Sides, it’s the least we can do, and both of mine wore that for their chris
tenings.’

  ‘What would we do without you?’

  Tina laughed. ‘Don’t, you’ll have me in tears soon.’

  ‘I’m very sorry we never got to your Mum and Dad’s party.’

  Tina touched Janet’s hand. ‘Don’t you go worrying about it. We all understand the reason. By the way, Mum sends her love. Did you see that lovely baby record book she sent over for Janie?’

  ‘Yes, I did. That was most kind of her.’

  ‘She was very upset to hear the news about Paula. Life’s so bloody unfair. After all you’ve been through as well.’

  ‘I’m glad I’m here to help take some of the burden off her.’

  ‘Mind you,’ Tina nodded towards Paula, ‘she looks very well and I love her trouser suit. She’s got her figure back nice and quick.’

  Janet smiled proudly across at her daughter, who was talking to Harry and Sue. She looked lovely, so tall and slim in her smart new navy suit. ‘Yes, she’s pleased about that.’

  ‘She looks so happy. You’d never think she had ... We’re all keeping our fingers crossed for her.’

  ‘Thanks. All we can do is hope. So many women do get over it, so let’s hope Paula is one of the lucky ones.’

  ‘We hope so. When does she finish her treatment?’

  ‘Not till after Christmas.’

  ‘She seems to be coping very well.’

  ‘Yes, she does. I was hoping it would have been finished before, but there you go.’

  ‘What happens then?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘What are you doing for Christmas?’

  Janet smiled. ‘For the first time in my life I am having it at home.’

  ‘You know you’re both welcome here if it gets too much for you.’

  ‘Thanks, Tina. Danny was very lucky when he found you.’

  She laughed. ‘I keep telling him that.’

  ‘Mum,’ said Emma, coming up to Tina, ‘Jason’s gone and pinched one of those chocolate things and he’s stuffing it in his mouth like a wild animal.’

  ‘Talk about no rest for the wicked. Why don’t you tell your father?’

  ‘He’s busy talking to Uncle Charlie and he told me to tell you.’

  ‘Typical,’ said Tina with a toss of her head.