Wishes and Tears

by Dee Williams

  When she answered it she was surprised to hear Danny’s voice. He never phoned her at work.

  ‘Danny. What’s wrong?’

  ‘I’ve been trying to get hold of you at home.’

  ‘What is it? Is something wrong with Tina?’

  ‘No, nothing like that. I’ve got some good news. Well, I think it is.’

  She sat stunned as he went into great detail of what had happened the previous evening. When he stopped she asked, ‘Is Mark still in this country?’

  ‘Yes, he’s staying at our place for a few days, so, can you come over this evening?’

  ‘No. No, I can’t. I’ m busy.’

  ‘Can’t you put it off?’

  ‘No, I can’t.’

  ‘Well, what about tomorrow night?’

  ‘I’ 11 have to see. I’ll ring you and let you know.’

  ‘Jan, he said he’d like to see you.’

  Mark wanted to see her. She felt her knees go weak. ‘How is he?’ she whispered.

  ‘Fine and still as good-looking. Do try to get over, Jan.’

  ‘I’ll try.’ She played with the phone cord, winding it round and round her fingers. ‘How long is he staying?’

  ‘Only for a few days. I know it might be a bit awkward, but see if you can make the effort. I know he really wants to see you.’

  , ‘I’ll think about it. At the moment it is a bit difficult.’

  ‘Well, give me a ring.’

  ‘I’m sorry, but I must go.’

  They said their goodbyes.

  Janet sat staring at the phone. Mark was in this country. Was he married? Danny had said he would like to see her, he hadn’t mentioned that he was with anybody. He said he was only here for a few days so he hadn’t come back for good. Janet knew that at that moment the most important person in her life was Paula, and Mark would have to wait. She wanted to laugh and cry together. Once again she was going to have to make a choice, but once again she knew where her priority lay and Mark would have to take second place.

  The day dragged for Paula. After Janet’s phone call first thing this morning she had decided to go to her office. That might take her mind off things and help to pass the time.

  Although she was busy, Janet also thought the day seemed to be going on for ever and she was so pleased when Paula walked in at five thirty.

  ‘I know I’m early, but I couldn’t go home,’ said Paula.

  ‘Don’t worry. I’ve finished so we can go along and see if Dr Parker is in his office. I’ll just get my things.’

  They walked in silence to the doctor’s room.

  Janet gently knocked on the door.

  ‘Come in.’

  Janet took a deep breath and walked in, Paula right behind her.

  ‘So, this is your daughter?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Now, young lady, you have a lump?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Well, I’d better have a look at it.’

  ‘I’ll wait outside,’ said Janet hastily.

  ‘You don’t have to,’ said the doctor.

  As he didn’t know their circumstances and Janet wasn’t sure if Paula wanted her that involved with something so personal, she decided to leave.

  Impatiently she sat outside wondering what was happening. Why does time sometimes appear to stand still? she was thinking.

  At last the door opened and Paula called her in.

  Dr Parker was writing. He looked up. ‘Your daughter has a lump that I’m not that happy about.’

  Janet quickly looked at Paula, whose face gave nothing away.

  ‘I am arranging for her to have a biopsy. I shall be drawing off a few cells.’

  ‘When?’ said Janet rather louder than she wanted to.

  ‘Nurse tells me I can fit it in tomorrow.’ He leant back in his chair and put his fingers together. ‘You know it doesn’t have to be malignant. Most lumps are benign and as Paula is pregnant that could be the reason for it, but we shall see. I hope that the biopsy will put both your minds at rest.’

  Paula gave Janet a slight smile that lifted her pale face.

  ‘I’ll bring you,’ said Janet, worried at the urgency of it.

  ‘Thanks.’

  Outside Janet took Paula’s hand. ‘Would you like to come home with me?’

  She nodded. ‘Could I stay the night? I don’t want to be on my own.’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘I’ll have to go home first to get some things.’

  ‘I’ll follow you, then you can leave your car at your place.’

  ‘Thank you, Janet.’ She threw her arms round Janet, who was trying desperately to stem the tears that were about to fall.

  ‘You must tell Sue all that’s happened.’

  ‘I will.’

  ‘She’s very worried about you.’

  ‘I know. I have been giving her a hard time.’

  ‘When she knows the reason she’ll understand.’

  At first Sue wanted to see Paula but she said she was spending the night with Janet and that put Sue’s mind at rest.

  ‘I’ 11 tell you everything that happens.’

  ‘You’d better.’

  All evening Janet and Paula talked about their pasts, little things they both felt they needed to know about each other, things that had been left unsaid before. They carefully avoided the subject that was uppermost in both their minds. Finally they went to bed. After another fitful night they were up and about early, getting ready for the trip to the hospital.

  The nurse told Janet she would phone down when the biopsy was all over. She also told her they wouldn’t know the results for a few days.

  Janet tried to concentrate on her work but it was very difficult and she was pleased when Sue walked in.

  ‘I couldn’t wait at home. Is she all right?’ asked Sue, her face ashen with concern.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘When did they do it?’

  ‘I think she was one of the first in, but you know how long some of these things take. We won’t know the results for a little while.’

  ‘Can’t you pull any strings?’

  ‘I shall have a go, but you know what some of these departments are like.’

  ‘I’ll hang around for a while. I’ll go and have a coffee.’

  ‘As soon as I hear anything I’ll come and get you.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Sue smiled.

  Every time the phone rang Janet was on tenterhooks.

  Then at long last the nurse told Janet that Paula was in the waiting room. She hurried along to the coffee shop to collect Sue and they made their way to find Paula.

  ‘How are you feeling?’ asked Janet, sitting next to her.

  ‘A bit sore.’

  ‘Do you hurt anywhere?’

  ‘Only under my arm.’

  Janet looked anxious. ‘Look, I can’t leave just yet. Sue, could you take Paula home?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Would you like to stay with me tonight?’ asked Janet.

  ‘No, thanks all the same but I’ll be all right.’

  ‘When you’re ready I’ll take you home,’ said Sue. ‘Mum’s looking after the kids so it’s a good excuse to stay out of it for an hour or two.’

  ‘Thanks, Sue,’ said Janet.

  Once she’d arrived home after work, Janet first rang Paula and when she was reassured that she was all right she sat and looked at the phone. Throughout the day all thoughts of Mark had gone out of her head. But then he began to fill her mind. Should she phone Danny? Did she really want to see Mark?

  She finally decided she needed someone to talk to and it had to be Freda.

  She told Freda everything, including the news that Mark was over here, which left Freda breathless.

  ‘I’m coming over now,’ she said.

  ‘No, you don’t have to.’

  ‘I want to.’

  ‘Leave it for tonight. I’ll let you know how things turn out.’

  ‘OK.’

  Janet
looked at her watch: it was seven. She dialled Danny’s number.

  Tina answered the phone. She quickly decided not to tell them about Paula, there wasn’t any point at this stage.

  Tina told Janet that Danny and Mark had gone out. ‘He’s a bit of all right. I was a bit off at first, after what he done to you, but he seems a really nice bloke.’

  Janet smiled. ‘Is he back here for good?’

  ‘No, he’s just come over for his dad’s funeral. Sounds like he’s got a really good job in Canada.’

  ‘Is he with his wife?’ Janet asked tentatively.

  ‘He ain’t married. He was once, but not now. Jan, he’s still got a soft spot for you, you know.’

  Janet laughed. ‘That’s all in the past now.’

  ‘Look, why don’t you come over tomorrow evening? You can have a nice long chat.’

  ‘No, I don’t think I can make it.’

  ‘Jan, don’t leave it too long, he’s only here for a few days.’

  ‘I’ll try not to. Tell him I called and that I’m sorry to hear about his father.’

  She replaced the receiver and wept. She was crying for Paula, her baby and now Mark. What future did they all have?

  Chapter 26

  Days later Janet was sitting in the corridor outside Dr Parker’s consulting room, waiting for Paula, who was there for the results of her biopsy. As she hadn’t been recalled, gradually, as the days went by, their fears had receded, they’d relaxed and had carried on as usual.

  Janet sat back and began thinking about her meeting with Mark last week. She smiled to herself. Somehow he seemed taller and more good-looking than ever, in a mature way. He was certainly more self-assured. Tina had told him Janet had phoned and he’d returned the call, and had asked to take her out for a meal. As Paula was back at home and appeared fine, Janet had readily agreed.

  When they’d first met he had hugged her and she’d been full of mixed feelings. It had been difficult to talk at Danny’s and in the car they had only exchanged a few words. Janet had been pleased they were going to spend an evening in a restaurant and as the evening wore on they relaxed and soon were laughing and talking over old times.

  He’d told her about his life in Canada. She had listened spellbound when he described Toronto.

  ‘It has the longest street in the world. And it can be very cold in winter, but our homes are built for it. You would love my cabin in the mountains. In the summer you can take the boat out on the lake or just sit on the bank, then at night when we have a log fire it’s warm and cosy. In the autumn the trees are full of colours that you’d never believe - it’s a wonderful sight. We also get the great brown bears wandering around. I can ski now. I tell you, Jan, it’s a different world over there. You’d love the shopping malls, and you should see the different ice-cream flavours they’ve got.’ He was bubbling over with enthusiasm.

  Although she knew he was divorced she had to ask. ‘So who’s the lucky person who shares all this with you?’

  He began to fiddle with his fork. ‘No one now. In some ways I wasn’t sorry when Babs left. She wasn’t what I wanted. She was just there when I needed a shoulder to cry on.’

  ‘I know the feeling,’ said Janet softly.

  ‘I know now that in many ways I was a fool to go off like I did. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret going to Canada one bit, but I do regret leaving you.’ He leant forward and touched her hand.

  ‘Don’t, Mark.’ She quickly pulled it away.

  ‘Jan, can you ever forgive me for what I put you through?’

  ‘We were both to blame. I should have told you about Paula.’

  ‘I shouldn’t have been such a hothead. I know now I was stupid, but my pride was hurt.’

  ‘I was very upset at the time.’

  ‘You’ve never married?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Do you think we could ever pick up the pieces again?’

  ‘I don’t think so. We are both very different people and live in different parts of the world and all that happened a long while ago. Things have changed.’

  ‘But have our feelings?’

  Ignoring that question she asked, ‘So has Stowford changed that much?’ She hadn’t told him she’d returned and had seen her mother.

  He sat back. ‘No, not really. I told you about my father?’

  She nodded.

  ‘I’m taking Ma back with me for a holiday.’

  ‘That’ll be exciting for her. How long will she be there?’

  ‘I’d like her to stay till after Christmas, but she might not like that; she’s a bit shaky on her pins these days. I’ll have to go to the States at some time so if she didn’t come with me she would be left on her own.’

  ‘When do you go back?’

  ‘Next week. You know, Jan, if you and your daughter ever want a holiday you’d be more than welcome and I’d love to show you the sights.’

  Janet laughed. ‘We’ll have to wait a while till the baby’s a bit older.’

  ‘Fancy you going to be a grandmother.’

  She smiled and would have liked to have said, ‘And you could have been its grandfather if you hadn’t run away.’

  ‘I do admire you for all your perseverance.’

  ‘It paid off in the end.’

  ‘You must be very proud of her.’

  ‘Yes I am.’

  ‘I would like to meet your daughter.’

  ‘Perhaps the next time you are over here. Now you’ve broken the ice you can always keep Danny informed.’

  ‘Will you ever forgive me, Jan?’

  She looked down. She couldn’t look him in the eye. In some ways she would never forgive him, but in others she knew in her heart that she would have loved to have shared all those years with him. She looked up. ‘That’s all water under the bridge now.’

  ‘I will write to you.’

  ‘That will be nice.’

  As he drove her back home he said that as it was late he didn’t think he’d come in for a coffee.

  They sat in the car for a moment or two and Mark put his arm round her. When he pulled her close and kissed her lips she felt herself melting. She was flustered; she pulled away and quickly said good night. Once again she was standing watching him drive off alone, knowing that she could never be part of his life now, but she was also aware that all her old feelings for him had returned.

  The noise in the hospital brought Janet back. She looked at her watch. She was beginning to get a little concerned. Paula had been in there a long while and she noticed the nurse seemed to be deliberately avoiding eye contact. Was anything wrong? No, she would have been recalled if they had found ... Janet instantly dismissed that thought.

  ‘Are you Paula’s mother?’ asked a sister who had come out of the room.

  ‘Yes.’ Janet could hardly get the word out. Fear was racing through her mind.

  ‘Can you come in?’

  Janet followed her into the room. Paula was sitting on the bed crying. She held out her arms to Janet.

  Janet took hold of her and held her close. Paula’s sobs racked her body and filled the air. Janet didn’t have to be told, she knew the news was bad.

  Dr Parker’s voice was very soft: ‘I’m very sorry, but I’m afraid the tumour is malignant.’

  Janet felt as if a knife had been thrust into her. This wasn’t happening. She heard herself saying, ‘No, no, it can’t be.’

  Someone said something but it wasn’t registering in Janet’s head and she asked, ‘What happens now?’

  ‘Well, I am waiting for Paula’s doctor. We are going to discuss the baby. You see, I need to remove the growth, do a mastectomy and give Paula radiotherapy treatment, but I’m afraid Paula is adamant about not having it.’

  ‘I’m not putting my baby at risk,’ yelled Paula.

  Janet was looking from one to the other, bewildered. ‘What’s going to happen?’

  ‘I need to give Paula radiotherapy treatment but because of the baby it isn’t possible.’


  Janet felt sick. She wanted to pick up Paula and run away with her.

  Dr Parker was still talking. ‘As Paula is so far advanced I’m sure we can arrange for her to have a Caesarean section safely.’

  ‘But she’s got another two months to go.’

  ‘Seven-month babies do survive.’

  ‘And then what?’ asked Janet weakly.

  ‘We will discuss the removal of her breast, then we can start with the radiotherapy.’ He sounded very optimistic.

  ‘When can all this be done?’ asked Janet softly.

  ‘As soon as possible. I don’t want to leave her treatment for too long.’

  All this time, after her first outburst, Paula, who was cradled in Janet’s arms, was silent. Only her gentle sobs and wet tears spreading across Janet’s blouse told of the terror she was going through.

  One by one doctors, nurses and the radiotherapy doctor came and went, each one discussing Paula almost as if she wasn’t there.

  Finally they were told they could go. The hospital would notify Paula as soon as it was possible to move the lists round.

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ said Paula, and her voice sounded so small and far away. ‘I’m not having my baby put in any danger.’

  ‘It won’t be,’ said Janet.

  ‘I shall wait till it’s born.’

  ‘You can’t,’ said Janet.

  ‘It’s my body and my baby.’

  ‘Paula, you can’t.’ Janet wanted to crumple in a heap. ‘Please, Doctor, tell her she’s wrong.’

  ‘I’m afraid she’s right. It is her decision although I think she is putting her own life at risk. The longer we leave the treatment the larger the growth will become.’

  ‘Paula, listen to the doctor.’

  ‘I want to give my baby every chance.’

  ‘It will have.’ Janet wanted to shake Paula. ‘Please, Doctor, can’t you make her see sense?’

  ‘See how she feels in the morning. Come and see me when you’ve decided.’

  Janet helped Paula from the bed. She suddenly seemed like a little girl, small and vulnerable.