Loving Her

by Hutton, CM

  I maneuvered my way out of bed, went to the bathroom to wash my face and find some clothes. I had decided to just play it cool with Rylan. I really liked him and had no regrets about our night together, but seeing his reactions to things and piecing together what I could, he had some serious shit to deal with and I wasn’t sure that I was equipped to handle it.

  I went into the kitchen and started making some breakfast. I sipped my coffee and sat at the bar while my egg casserole cooked in the oven. I didn’t hear him walk up behind me, but felt his presence. He wrapped his arms around my waist and whispered in my ear. “Good morning. Why did you sneak out of bed?”

  “I just wanted to make some breakfast.” I lied. I wanted time to think.

  “Oh, okay.” He leaned around me and looked at my face. “Everything alright?”

  “Sure. Everything’s good.” I kissed his cheek as I stood to check on our breakfast. I was trying to put just a little distance between us without being too obvious.

  “Okay.”

  We were silent for an eternity before Rylan finally said, “Jen….I….need to say thank you for not pushing me to talk about things last night. It isn’t something that I want to share with you right now. But, like I said to you yesterday, my reluctance has nothing to do with whatever ‘this’ is between us.” Wow. That didn’t make me feel any better than what I’d felt thirty seconds before he said a word, but I could fake it like no one else.

  “Rylan, it’s fine….really! We all have things to deal with. Let’s just enjoy each other and not ask too many questions, okay?” I was so full of shit because it all mattered to me.

  He had a strange look on his face, but I didn’t have the energy to process it. What I wanted at that very moment, was something I didn’t think he could give. I was falling for him and hated myself for it because I knew damn good and well that I would never be able to survive another broken man. His ‘reluctance’ only sealed the deal for me….loud and clear.

  So, I smiled and turned to get the casserole out of the oven, praying my face wouldn’t give away the sadness I knew was coming.

  “Okay.”

  I placed our breakfast on the bar and forced myself to eat a bit of it. I had no appetite, but pretended to eat. I think Rylan was doing the same thing. We ate in silence for the most part and when we were done, Rylan smiled and said, “I better get home and check on Butch before he chews his way free.”

  I laughed and said, “Oh nice! Wouldn’t want that to happen.” God, I was a mess, which was completely stupid considering I barely knew him. How in the hell did I get so invested in him?!? I needed Rylan to leave so I could pull my shit together.

  I walked him to the door and he turned to me and said, “I’d like to take you to dinner tonight. Are you busy?” Perfect. I knew just what to say to stop this disaster train.

  “Yeah, sorry. I already have plans with my girlfriend. Maybe another night.” I wanted to spend time with Rylan so badly, but I needed to pull back from him for both our sakes.

  “Oh, okay. I’ll call you later and maybe we can figure out another day.”

  “Yep. Sounds good.” Get going dude so I can have a little meltdown.

  Rylan leaned in for a kiss, but I turned my cheek at the last second and the kiss landed next to my mouth. I could tell it bothered him, especially after all we’d done last night. “Jen, are you sure everything okay?”

  “Yes, Rylan. Everything is just as it should be. I’ll talk to you soon.” He hesitantly moved through the threshold of my door and started to walk downstairs.

  “Bye,” was all I heard as I shut the door and slumped against it. Tears slowly streamed down my face. I was a fool. Here I was crying over a man I barely knew only because he wouldn’t tell me his deepest, darkest secret and let me in to his world. It was just sex, Jen! Fucking get over it!

  I sat there against my door for a long time and tortured myself by replaying the events from the night before. If I closed my eyes, I could still feel Rylan and even smell him. I hated it because it just taunted me.

  I made my way to the shower, deciding I needed to completely wash away any part of Rylan that was left on my skin. As I passed my bedside table, my phone buzzed signaling a text. I picked it up to see a message from him.

  Rylan:

  I’m sorry if I did anything

  to upset you, Jen. I didn’t

  intend to. I had the most wonderful

  night with you and want to see

  you again….please.

  Fuck! The tears started flowing again at his sweet words. I wanted so badly to say ‘okay,’ but I just couldn’t. There were so many red flags screaming at me to protect myself and I didn’t know exactly why. All I knew was that my heart would get crushed if I let things go on with Rylan. He was so damn sexy and unbeknownst to him, he had the ability to draw people in and make them care about him. But, he wasn’t ready for me because I didn’t think I could keep it to just sex. So, I was grateful he wasn’t around to see me because it made my text more convincing.

  Jen:

  I had a great time too, Rylan.

  Thank you. I will call soon and

  let you know when it’s a good day.

  I hoped that the text sounded flippant and no big deal, even though that was nowhere near what I was feeling.

  I turned my phone to silent, flipped it upside down and walked into the bathroom. I took the longest shower ever, just letting the water cascade over my used parts. I tried not to think about why I was a little sore.

  I decided that I’d go do a little shopping down in Cedros Avenue for a little designer therapy in Solana Beach. I considered a little more Markie Mark, but I really needed to get out of my house. Besides, I didn’t want Rylan showing up again. I didn’t even bother to take my phone with me. It was just better to go off the grid for the rest of the weekend. At least, when I showed up at work tomorrow, I wouldn’t have to see Rylan, Jack or anyone who knew about my little weekend tryst.

  Browsing through all the stores with no particular thing piquing my interest, my mind drifted to Rylan. I almost wished I would have brought my phone with me just to obsessively check it for missed calls and messages. The thought made me smile and shake my head….I was just pathetic.

  By six o’clock, I stopped to grab a bite to eat and head home. I didn’t know if I wanted Rylan to be sitting on my steps or not, but it didn’t matter because he wasn’t there when I got home. And, out of pure curiosity, I checked my phone to see only a few messages from Emily and none from Rylan. Truthfully, I felt really sad about it and had no idea what to do with the feelings.

  I couldn’t stop checking my phone all evening. I even called Em and we made peace with each other after a few harsh, but true words we shared. She would always be my very best friend and I knew that she loved me unconditionally no matter the fucked up situation I continually got myself in to.

  Monday morning came too soon, only because I was still moping around and not in the mood for anyone at my office. I had to shove my personal crap way down deep and put on my most professional persona, especially since Michael was supposed to be back in the office after his trip.

  I was fortunate that the second I walked in the door, I was so stinking busy that I didn’t have a single second to think about Rylan Daniels. Michael had me running circles around the building wrapping up some loose ends that I had no idea existed because he never told me. Had the old asshat let me know, I could have had it handled before he got back into town.

  By the time six o’clock rolled around, I was completely exhausted and practically crawled home to slump on my couch. I stayed there the entire night.

  Chapter 16 – Rylan

  It was killing me. I hadn’t talked to Jen since leaving her that text and seeing her response. I didn’t respond to it because she seemed okay with things, I guessed. It was a little too bazaar, though. I was certain she felt the same things I did, but now I wasn’t so sure about anything.

  I made the decision not to
call or text her for a while because I had already fucked up so much. I didn’t know what to do next and she certainly didn’t deserve to be tainted by my screwed up mental state.

  It was Wednesday and I hadn’t seen Jen or heard her voice since Saturday. Around three o’clock, I got a call from my brother. Romyn was an orthopedic surgeon and he and his wife, Mia, lived in Scottsdale. We tried to see each other often. He and I were close, especially after the sudden death of our father my senior year of college. Our mother had a house outside the city, near La Mesa, but wasn’t there very often. She and her husband travel the world most of the year and we only saw her every few months, so I was alone here except for when Romyn was able to come or when I could escape to Arizona. It made for a lonely existence sometimes.

  “Hey, man. What’s up?” Romyn was always cheerful.

  “Hey there. Not much going on here. Are you in town?”

  “Yep. Want to have dinner tonight?” That was exactly what I needed.

  “I would love it, man. What time and where?” I hoped I didn’t sound too desperate.

  “Let’s meet at Phil’s at seven. Sound good?”

  “Yeah. I’ll see you there.” I hung up and felt my mood lift at the anticipation of hanging out with Romyn. Shit! I forgot to ask him if Mia had come along.

  I went back to work trying to concentrate on my newest client and drown out my thoughts of Jen. I hated the feeling that things we unsettled between us. It was weird how I’d suddenly attached myself to her after only knowing her a short time. There was just something about Jen that I couldn’t let go of and it scared me. To care about Jen meant having to let go of Kristen and I just didn’t know how to do that or if I wanted to.

  Around six o’clock, I packed up my things and headed to my car. I stopped off to pick up my dry cleaning, then drove to Phil’s. I figured if I was early, I’d just have a drink at the bar while I waited on Romyn.

  I sat there, sipping on my beer when warm, small hands came from behind and covered my eyes. My shock was not unnoticed. She whispered in my ear, “Lookin’ good, dude!” I laughed as I stood and turned around, knowing exactly who it was.

  “Mia! I wondered if you were here with Romyn.” I hugged her, picking her up as I did and kissed her on the cheek. She was my sister…fully….even if not by blood and I loved her dearly. She had done so much for me and loved me through everything with Kristen. Romyn had too, but Mia would always hold a rare, special place in my soul.

  “So, where’s my brother? Did you run off on him and decided I was the brother for you?” She knew all too well that I was kidding.

  “Actually, he called and said he was running late. Romyn’s here for meetings about some new surgical equipment and the other physicians with him sort of held things up with questions.”

  “Well, that’s fine by me. We can get a table a catch up before he gets here.” I smiled and she raised her eyebrows and smiled. She assumed I had news to tell her since I’d been in a perpetual loop of mourning for five years.

  We were led to a table and ordered more drinks. “So, Ry, what’s up? You have a strange look on your face and you know damn good and well you cannot hide anything from me. So, spill it!”

  “Damn, Mia!” I took a drink of my beer and thought about how to begin. Mia just sat across from me with eyebrows raised and waited.

  “Okay. Well, I’ve met someone….”

  “WHAT? WHO…oh my God, Ry…..tell me everything!” She was practically screaming and bouncing in her seat.

  “Hey, slow down. You didn’t even let me finish my sentence.” I paused. “As I was saying, I met someone through a work thing. She doesn’t work with me. She actually works for a rival firm, but…God, Mia. I can’t seem to get her out of my head.”

  She reached across and took my free hand as I brought my beer up to my mouth for a drink, stalling as I came up with my next revelation.

  “And....” She always was a persistent shit.

  “And, I spent the weekend with her….at her place….but sort of freaked out when she started asking questions about me and my past and she….I don’t know….she tried to play it off as no big deal when I refused to talk, but I saw the look on her face and the change in her voice. She was hurt and I couldn’t blame her. It wasn’t like she was drilling me for answers.” I paused. “Actually, it was a pretty perfect situation for me to tell her about Kristen, but I couldn’t. And, now there’s no telling what is rattling around in her head about me and my past.”

  Mia sat quiet, only rubbing her thumb over my knuckles to calm me and keep me talking. Finally, she asked, “So, have you seen her since the weekend?” She was being really careful with her words. She had gently pushed me the last few years to move on and now that I was finally telling her that I liked someone, she was a powder keg of emotion and excitement.

  “No. I left her place on Saturday and figured she needed some space. I haven’t called or gone by to see her.”

  Mia let out a sigh. “Ry, that might have been the wrong thing to do, babe. I’m afraid you may have left her feeling used and that’s a hard thing to overcome…even if the guy is as great as you.” She smirked. Crap, I hadn’t really thought of it like that.

  “Shit, Mia! That’s not what I wanted. She’s gonna hate me, isn’t she?” My stomach churned at the thought.

  “I don’t know, Ry. But, if you think she is someone worth spending time with after being alone these last few years then, maybe you’d better come up with a way to make her understand….tell her. Give her the answers she’s looking for. It’ll be okay….if she’s in this to know the real you, then it will work out okay. If not, then it wasn’t something worth spending your heart on.”

  “Mia….” I whispered her name and bowed my head. “I just don’t know how to let go of Kristen or if I even want to let go and move on.”

  “I know, but you have to try. You deserve to be able to move on…and you know I loved Kristen and saw what you guys went through, so take my approval for what it is….a blessing from all of us, including Kristen, to live…to feel life again.”

  She had huge tears running down her face when I looked up and after listening to her sincere words, I reached across the table and wiped her tears with my thumb. “Thank you, sis. You always know just what to say and I love you for being my best friend and number one cheerleader. I don’t know what I’d ever do without you and Romyn.” I kiss the back of her hand that I was holding.

  “Well, what do we have here? Holding hands and stroking my wife’s face? If I didn’t know any better, I’d kick your ass, bro!” I smiled and winked at Mia, then stood and man-hugged my big brother.

  “Hey, man!” I gave Romyn the customary man slap on the back and we both laughed. “See what happens when you’re late and leave my sister all alone? Other men creep in and take your place.”

  Romyn laughed and said, “Yeah, well….good thing my brother was here to protect my interests. Now, sit down and tell me what has you two so worked up.”

  Mia kissed her husband and happily clapped her hands together. “I’ll fill you in!” I rolled my eyes and sat quietly, sipping my beer as Mia gave an abbreviated version of our chat. She always had a way of not making me sound like a complete pussy.

  Romyn just nodded his head and only said one thing. “Ry, if this girl got your attention after all this time, then it’s worth it to try to see where it might go.” He was right. Now, I just had to see if Jen would even speak to me.

  We spent the next few hours laughing and enjoying our time together before Mia and Romyn drove back to their hotel. I tried to get them to stay with me, but they told me ‘no’ and that I needed to go find Jen and talk to her. I knew they were right, but I needed a little time to sort out my thoughts.

  We planned to meet at a club on Friday night before they left for home on Saturday and I promised to try and get Jen to come with me. I had no idea how or if I could do that, but I appeased them and said I’d give it a ‘go’.

  Chapter 17 �
� Jen

  It was fucking unbelievable that I’d end up at Phil’s the same night that Rylan Daniels was there with another woman. I saw them in the bar as she approached and covered his eyes. He was so happy to see her. I hadn’t been privy to that smile yet. He was just beautiful, in an asshole bastard kind of way.

  I froze in my steps, watching them interact, until Emily shook my arm and pried my eyes away. When I looked at her, she said, “What the hell is wrong with you? Your face just got ghostly white.”

  She followed where my eyes had been and mumbled, “What the fuck?” Yeah….my thoughts exactly. “I’ll be back.” She started to walk toward Rylan, but I grabbed her arm, stopping her.

  “NO! I don’t want any more drama, okay? He obviously has a girlfriend or whatever and that was his whole issue about last weekend. Please let it go. I’ve been humiliated enough.” I couldn’t even be mad. I felt too hurt and used to feel angry. Em must have registered my grief and let it go.

  “For you, I’ll let it go for now. But, I swear Jen, if I see him somewhere and you’re not around, things are gonna get ugly…really fucking fast!”

  I laughed and hugged my best friend. “Thank you.”

  “Want to go somewhere else? I can call Cale and have him meet us at a different restaurant.”

  “No. It’s his birthday and this is where he wanted to go. We are not leaving because of Rylan. Let’s just sit so he can’t see us, okay?” I would have felt like shit for making them leave Phil’s. I just needed to avoid Rylan and enjoy my friends.

  Unfortunately, they sat us where I could see Rylan and his beautiful girl, but Em and Cale couldn’t. They held hands and were having some intense conversation. He even wiped tears off her cheek at one point and I felt nauseous. I eventually excused myself and went to the restroom. I needed to escape from all the sickening feelings I was having. God, I hated myself for giving into him and hated him for fooling me. He really did want to see if he could get in my pants like Jack. Well, bravo, Mr. Daniels. You won!