The Nurse's Secret Son

by Amy Andrews

  ‘Here you are, Maxy,’ said Daniel from behind, plonking a small wicker basket with a lid in front of them. It had a huge red bow tied around it and Sophie knew instantly what it was.

  ‘Oh, wow, Unca Dan,’ said Max, lifting the lid. A kitten, a kitten. Mummy, Unca Dan got me a kitten.’ He lifted the tiny sleeping ball of fur gently out of the basket and brought it to his face, rubbing his cheek against the soft fur. ‘How did you know, Unca Dan? How did you know?’

  Everyone laughed. Max had wanted a kitten all year and hadn’t exactly been keeping it a secret!

  ‘Daniel!’ she exclaimed, turning to look at him.

  ‘He wanted a kitten.’ He shrugged and grinned at his Max’s totally enchanted expression.

  ‘He’s too young,’ she protested.

  ‘He’ll be fine, I’ll teach him how to care for her.’

  Sophie shot him a dubious look. ‘I think Daniel needs a big kiss for that, don’t you?’ she said to her son, and Daniel grinned, knowing he had won.

  Max rose from her lap, taking his precious bundle with him, crawling up onto Daniel’s lap and pressing a kiss on Daniel’s cheek.

  ‘This is the best present ever, Unca Dan. I love you.’ Max snuggled into Daniel’s embrace a little further, the sleeping kitten cradled between Max’s little chest and Daniel’s flat stomach. Father and son stared at the tiny animal, totally engrossed.

  ‘I love you too, Maxy.’

  Sophie turned away, blinking hard. A lump rose in her throat. She caught John’s eye and felt a surge of guilt. She knew she should tell Daniel about his son, and in a lot of ways it would probably get her what she wanted. But she didn’t want Daniel out of obligation. He was very good at obligation and he would want to do the right thing by her, but she was only interested if he loved her, wanted her.

  If they were to ever get past everything, it would need to be because he loved her, not because he wanted to be a father to Max. She’d waited too long to settle for less.

  The more she thought about it, the more it crystallised in her mind. She needed to get away. She couldn’t live with Daniel and this thing between them and stay sane. Finding somewhere new to live would become a priority when they returned to Brisbane.

  The morning idled by. Sophie and Max walked down to the beach for a swim around nine before the sun got too hot. When they came back Sophie joined everyone in the kitchen and helped prepare the birthday lunch.

  Daniel took Max out onto the deck and they played with the now awake and playful kitten. He talked to his young charge about cats and Max listened with rapt attention. Daniel’s deep rumbling voice would occasionally be heard, followed by Max’s higher giggle.

  Sophie tried not to watch them as she helped with the meal preparations, but the bank of windows running the full length of the massive deck gave them spectacular ocean views and so the two figures on the deck were a little hard to ignore.

  Plus, every time she looked out through the windows she was reminded of exactly what she and Daniel had done against that glass, and she spent an inordinate amount of time blushing. Her body was swamped with images from that night and how she managed to not cut herself on the vegetable peeler was a miracle, given the trembling of her hands.

  They ate at about one and Daniel brought Max in on his shoulders, the kitten held firmly in place on Daniel’s head by a chubby little hand.

  ‘Ah. Hands, both of you, and put the cat back in her basket, sweetie. No kittens at the table.’

  ‘Come on, matey,’ said Daniel, rolling his eyes at Max dramatically and being rewarded by a naughty giggle. ‘Better do as Mummy says.’

  They ate until they were all groaning, only just managing to fit in a slice of Max’s birthday cake. Shortly after that Sophie put a sleepy Max to bed for his nap and sat and watched her blond-haired, blue-eyed boy for a while. The kitten, who had been named Clementine, lay curled up beside him and he looked so happy Sophie almost changed her mind about moving out.

  Max would hate it. The family would hate it. She’d hate it. But it wasn’t like she was going to drop out of the Mondays’ lives altogether. She just needed a breather from the constant ache inside that seemed to magnify every time she ran into Daniel. It would still be there, she knew that, but hopefully it would plateau instead of constantly peaking to new highs.

  Sophie heard the front doorbell chime as she shut Max’s door, and heard Daniel answer it. Edward, Wendy, John, Sally and Charlie were out on the deck and Sophie thought about joining them, but the comfy double lounge beckoned and she lay on it, thinking that a small nap was in order.

  ‘Anthony!’ said Daniel, surprised to see the family lawyer standing on their doorstep. ‘What brings you here? Come in.’

  ‘Ah, no, thanks, Daniel. I’m on my way to my wife’s family for dinner I just had to drop this in.’

  The elderly lawyer, not that much younger than John, handed Daniel a yellow envelope with something that felt like a videotape inside. It was addressed to him and to Sophie—or rather Mrs Michael Monday.

  Daniel ran his fingers over her name. It sure put things into perspective. She was Mrs Michael Monday and he would do well to keep reminding himself of that. ‘What is it?’ he asked.

  ‘It’s a videotape that Michael made for both of you just before he and Sophie got married. He asked me to keep it safe and in the event of his death deliver it to you on Max’s birthday two years after the date of his demise.’

  Daniel felt his heart start to thud a little harder in his chest. What was on the tape?

  ‘OK? If that’s it, I’ll be going,’ said Anthony, interrupting Daniel’s swirling thoughts. He mopped the sweat off his brow, the hot sun beaming down on his bald head.

  ‘Of course,’ said Daniel. ‘Thank you for coming all this way, Anthony.’ He shook the lawyer’s hand before closing the door.

  Michael, what have you done? He was tempted to go and watch it himself first but as it was addressed to both of them he knew that wasn’t his right. Still, his hand trembled in anticipation.

  ‘Sophie.’

  ‘Hmm?’ She didn’t open her eyes. She didn’t need the sight of Daniel in his boardies unsettling her equilibrium.

  ‘This just arrived for us.’

  She sighed sleepily and opened her eyes. ‘What is it?’

  A videotape that Michael made. For you. And me.’

  Sophie sat up and looked at the yellow envelope. She looked at Daniel and he seemed to be just as puzzled.

  ‘What do we do with it?’ she asked, afraid and nervous and apprehensive.

  ‘Watch it, I guess,’ he said quietly.

  They went into the den and shut the door. Sophie watched as Daniel loaded the tape into the machine and pressed the play button. Neither of them sat down, but stood and waited for the tape to begin.

  There was a minute of ‘snow’ and then Michael appeared on the screen, looking fit and alive. Sophie could feel herself choking up. She sat down on the chair behind her. It was too cruel for life to have taken Michael from them.

  ‘Well, I guess if you’re watching this I’m dead and have been for a couple of years. Poor me.’ Michael laughed but it didn’t really reach his eyes and she could tell that this video hadn’t been easy for him to make.

  ‘I guess you’re wondering why I’m making this video. Well, tomorrow I’m marrying the girl I love. The girl I’ve loved since we were five and we played catch and kiss in the backyard.’

  Sophie felt a tear spill down her cheek and she pulled a tissue out of the box that sat on the coffee-table in front of her.

  ‘Sophie, I know you’re going to make me the happiest man in the world. I’d like to thank you now for the time you gave me and for the son you bore me. He’s not here yet but I want you to know that you’ve given me the greatest gift. One that, thanks to this wheelchair, I won’t ever get a chance at again.’

  Daniel could hear Sophie sniffling behind him and couldn’t bear to look.

  ‘But I’m doing this because I
owe you an apology—owe you both an apology, actually. I know that you love me, Soph, as a best friend, a brother even, but not as a lover or a husband…and that’s fine. I know you’re in love with Daniel, have always been in love with Daniel, and I’m sorry that I’ve used our friendship and my…condition to get you to marry me. I should have encouraged you to patch things up with Daniel instead of seeing it as a way of having you for myself. I can only hope and pray that our marriage will be as happy for you as I know it’s going to be for me. I’m going to make it my mission, Soph, to make you the happiest woman on earth.’

  The tears were flowing freely down her face now. It had been. No, it hadn’t been a marriage in the truest sense of the word, but she’d been very happy married to Michael.

  ‘I guess I owe the biggest apology to you, Daniel. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell you that it wasn’t your fault and I don’t blame you, I can still feel your guilt. You said to me not long ago that there must be some part of me that blames you, and you know what? I think you’re right. I think there is a small part of me that’s pissed at you about the accident. Not because I think it was your fault but because you walked away without a scratch and I’m crippled.’

  Daniel felt his breath being torn out of his lungs and he reached back and sat in the chair next to Sophie. To hear Michael talk about this was cathartic. He’d always known that his brother had to have held some grudge, and to hear it finally was a relief.

  ‘And I think it’s that part that’s been able to rationalise the terrible thing I’ve done to both of you. You see, Daniel, I knew Sophie was pregnant that day I intimated to you that she and I had also been fooling around.’

  Sophie gasped at Michael’s admission. He had told Daniel that he and her…that they’d…What on earth for? Why would he do such a thing?

  ‘She visited me that morning and broke down about being pregnant and how worried she was about what you would say because you’d hardly been speaking since the accident and what bad timing it was. And I told her that you’d be a fool not to sweep her up in your arms and that if you didn’t, I’d marry her. And that got me thinking that day about the possibility, and how marrying Sophie would make life in a wheelchair bearable. Because I loved her and always had, but I knew that, while she loved me, she was in love with you and I would never stand a chance. So that’s when I decided to meddle.’

  Daniel couldn’t believe what he was hearing. All the things he had believed over the last couple of years were being shattered. He looked at Sophie and she looked back at him equally bewildered.

  ‘That part of me that was pissed at you decided that you owed me. Now, that’s not rational or fair, I know that, but I was a little desperate a couple of months ago. I knew that day that I’d be seeing you before she would and so I told you that the only thing that would make me want to go on with my life would be to marry Sophie. I led you to believe we were having a sexual relationship when we weren’t, and I told you that if you really wanted me to be happy you’d let Sophie go and suggest she marry me instead. I knew your guilt ran deep and I played on it. And you did the rest. Much better than I could have planned. You dumped her that night before she had a chance to tell you about the baby, and she came straight to me.’

  Sophie sat shell-shocked, listening to Michael’s admissions. Daniel had given her to Michael because his brother had emotionally blackmailed him into it. Not because he hadn’t loved her but because his brother had orchestrated it. Michael had played with their lives. Sophie felt anger mix with her disbelief.

  Am I proud of what I’ve done? No. I can only say in my defence that two months ago I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to live, and the only thing that dragged me out of the terrible, terrible darkness was the thought of forming a family with you and the baby, Sophie.’

  She felt her anger soften. He was right. What a totally screwed-up time it had been for all of them emotionally. There had been anger and sadness, blame, guilt and desperation. Michael’s depression had worried the entire family and they had all been grateful, not least her, when their engagement had given him a new lease of life.

  It would be easy to judge Michael harshly now, his four-year-old actions removed from the dreadful roller-coaster of feelings they had all suffered. What a terrible time it had been. None of them had been thinking very rationally.

  ‘So, I guess you’re wondering why I’ve decided to make this tape? Easy. Guilt. I guess that’s something we all know a lot about. I’d like to think that, as I’m obviously not around any more, you two will have found a way to come together. But if I know Daniel as well as I think I do then he’s probably still in New York, nursing his guilt, trying to keep away from you, Sophie. I figured you two might need a little nudge.

  ‘So why now? Why did I instruct Anthony to deliver it to you now? I thought two years seemed like a reasonable amount of time to have elapsed. I figured any sooner and society might not have thought it proper for you two to get together. I just hope I’m not too late. If you’re both sitting here, watching this, and have already worked it out or are married to different people then I guess I’m going to look like a right idiot.

  ‘I’m just really sorry to have meddled in your lives and interrupted a great love match. I expect you’ll both be pretty mad at me by now. I only hope you can forgive me in time and realise that we were all victims of circumstance to a degree.

  ‘Daniel, let it go, man. This isn’t your fault and you’ve paid the price too long. If you really feel like you need to make atonement, I think you have more than done that, don’t you? Love her, man. Love her like she deserves to be loved.

  ‘Sophie, remember me to our son. I love you and I’m sorry. I love you both and I hope you both live happily ever after.’

  The screen went blank and they both sat staring at it. Neither of them moved for a while and then Daniel got up and walked over to the window, watching the gulls ride the air currents.

  ‘So…I’m Max’s father.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Sophie quietly.

  There was silence again. Where did they even begin? There was so much to say, to talk about.

  ‘Did you really believe that I was having sex with Michael at the same time we were lovers? How could you have thought that of me?’

  ‘Honestly? Deep down I didn’t. It seems like this is the day for honesty so I think I can finally admit it to myself. I think a part of me knew that Michael was lying and I just suppressed it, ignored it. He was asking me for you and it was easier to do it when I could pretend that you were unfaithful.’

  ‘Your guilt really ran that deep? That you would give me up like I was some kind of prize?’ Outrage at the disregard of both Michael and Daniel for her as a person, a human being, took over. They had traded her like some bartering chip. Your lover for your guilt!

  ‘My brother couldn’t walk because of me, Soph. That was a terrible burden. I know I had no right to use you to assuage my guilt but I just wanted to make it right for him.’

  ‘Damn right. You had no right.’

  ‘Hey, it wasn’t my idea and anyway…it didn’t help.’

  Sophie sighed and walked over to where he stood. He was right. Michael had definitely been pulling their strings. ‘And what about now? Does the tape help?’

  ‘Yes, it does, actually. It was freaky to see him again, so alive. A bit like a ghost. But I do feel absolved. Michael being pissed at me I can handle. We were brothers. But I took that as blame and I didn’t need his when I had so much of my own.’

  ‘So if part of you knew I hadn’t been unfaithful then you must have known Max was yours.’

  ‘I guess…yes,’ he said. ‘But I didn’t know you were pregnant until I was in New York and I knew what being a father meant to Michael. He’d told me the accident had left him impotent, and it was just another thing to feel guilty about, so when he had this chance I couldn’t deny it. I blocked out the little voice that kept whispering the truth. Again, it was easier to ignore the truth and believe what he
wanted me to believe.’

  Sophie nodded again. Michael had sure done a number on their heads. ‘So when you told me that you didn’t love me, that you had lied to get me into bed…that was a lie?’

  ‘Of course it was,’ he sighed. ‘I would never have told you I loved you if I hadn’t. But I needed to make sure that you sought solace in Michael’s arms. I’m so sorry, it was harsh, but I needed to destroy the love you had for me to push you to Michael. I needed there to be no doubt whatsoever in your mind that you and I were over.’

  ‘Well, it worked.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ he said, stroking his hand down her cheek. ‘I’ve never stopped loving you. I fooled myself for a while. Moving away helped, but the other night, when that guy held a knife to your throat, it hit me. I still loved you.’

  She nodded. His admission started her heart beating erratically. Still, caution was required. ‘Seems like there’s a but there.’

  ‘No buts, Sophie. For the first time in four years I feel free. I feel free to tell you how I feel and to think we could have a life together. But I’ ve behaved so badly since I’ve been back that I can’t possibly expect you to feel the same way. I know I’ve hurt you a lot over the years. I can’t blame you if you hate me and want nothing to do with me. I do want to be involved with Max but I’ll be guided by you. I won’t push.’

  ‘Daniel, you idiot.’ She laughed, hardly believing what she was hearing. ‘I love you. Yes, between you and your brother I’ve been hurt and I thought, like you, that I was over this, but when we made love the other night I knew I’d never stopped loving you. I want us to be together and for Max to know you as his father. We’ve spent too many years apart, lets not waste any more time.’

  Daniel stood still. There was only a small gap separating them but he was too stunned to close it. He blinked hard and opened his eyes again and she was still there with that silly grin on her face and that look of expectancy. Had she really said those words? Did she really mean them? Surely this was too good to be true.

  ‘Really? You want us to be a family?’