Joshoku

by Hildred Billings

  Anything – and that meant anything – on TV was more interesting then the mess in front of Aiko on the sitting table. That included her mother’s daytime jidaigeki about Nobunaga Oda sitting with his war generals and blathering on about the great and powerful unified Japan. Aiko usually had no interest in her mother’s historical shows, but that day she would much rather watch that than face her job applications.

  Like an idiot she put it off for too many months. The job hunting season was over, and now Aiko only had scraps to wade through. Cram schools, English conversation schools, and private tutoring companies. The bottom of the barrel for an English speaker. Had Aiko listened to her career adviser and applied during the late winter months, she could have been hired as a translator or interpreter for a company. But no. For some reason she felt compelled to ignore that tidbit of growing up.

  “Nee, Ma,” Aiko said during a commercial break. Her mother looked at her and then at the papers in front of them both. “It’s okay if I continue to live here, right?”

  Junko sat up from where she slumped against the table. “Of course you can live here.” She reached over and stroked Aiko’s hair. “In fact I want my girl to stay here as long as she needs to. No mother wants to let go of all her children. Though I suppose it’s inevitable, you should still stay as long as you can, Ai-chan. What brought this on, anyway?”

  Aiko shrugged. “I can’t imagine being able to support myself with a job.” I don’t think I’m cut out for full time employment. “Moving out into my own apartment or something... it wouldn’t be doable.”

  “Do you want my honest advice?” Didn’t matter, Junko was going to hand it over anyway. “Forget this career business. You’re not meant for that kind of life, sweet Ai-chan.” Even though the drama came back on TV, Junko continued. “You’re a girl meant for a domestic life. Find a part time job, sure. Get some spending money and have some fun with your free time. You’re young! But you should try dating again. You don’t have to move out of this house until you find a nice young man to marry and start a home with. Ah, it would be so good for you! Think of what a wonderful wife and mother you would make, deshou?”

  Aiko put down her pen and smiled wanly at her mother. “I think I would like to have children someday.”

  “You need a husband to help you with that first.” Junko looked away, a bashful smile on her face as if she were a single young thing herself. “Now that you’re out of school you can start focusing on boys again. It was very admirable of you to be so dedicated to your studies... my friends often lamented that they wished their daughters were as focused as you... but now that’s over and you should have a love life.”

  All Aiko could do was keep smiling. I want to tell her. Her mother seemed so far away in that instant. I want to tell her that I’m already in love. That she had been in love for three years now. That someone had her heart and she had no need to date anyone else. I love Reina. Partly because she wasn’t a boy. A fact that would have never entered Aiko’s mind those few years ago. But I can’t tell her. Who knew how Junko would take the news? She was fine and nice to her children... as long as they stayed in line. The oldest boy was golden because he was quiet, smart, and became a doctor. The second boy was rarely spoken of because he moved away to marry a woman Junko didn’t approve of and take a local government administration job. The oldest girl was all but forgotten because she had a shotgun wedding with a street busker and then divorced him not even a year ago. The second girl was on the righteous path to marriage and motherhood, having recently announced her first pregnancy. Mother wants me to be like her. Junko wanted what was best for her girls. And in her mind that meant a good, rich man who would make sure their wives never worked a day outside of the home.

  In a way Aiko wanted the same thing. To be the queen of her castle, to have children to nurture, and a spouse that could take care of her living situation. Could I do that with Reina? One step at a time. But the vision of them having a home together... Aiko shoved aside her job applications and refocused her goals. Soon, she assured herself. Soon she and Reina would embrace the next stage of their relationship.

  A sweet smelling Friday night in May was what Reina needed after getting her first paycheck and dealing with another week at work. This job is going to kill me. She only meant it half-seriously, but her body was sore and her mind a corpse. I wish Ai-chan wasn’t busy tonight. She went to a family dinner that evening. No time to hang out. So Reina hopped on a train on the Yamanote Line going in the opposite direction of the loop she usually went in and stopped off at Shinjuku Station to get a drink at one of her favorite watering holes.

  After spending nearly two months playing monkey in a suit for the corporate world, Reina needed to be back in familiar territory. She inhaled the patriarchy every day... what a thrill to walk through one neighborhood in Tokyo where the men wanted nothing to do with her, let alone tell her how pretty she was and ask her out on dates like her new coworkers. The world was a different place here in Ni-chome. Well, not so different. The moment she walked into one of her favorite low-key bars some of her old acquaintances gave her shit for wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase. Reina ignored them and sat at the end of the bar. She ordered a beer and waited for a clear mind to come back to her.

  Things were beautiful here in this quaint bar. Cigarette smoke filled the room, wafting like clouds of nicotine. Feminine chatter was around her, nary a man within ear-reach, although some women sounded gruff and hoarse enough to be men. Every other joke was about bad lesbian sex or making fun of the days “we used to think we were straight.” Reina may be dressed in an unconventional way for this bar, but it was like home. She could relax here a lot more than she could in her house, even if Sachiko was working graveyard at a convenience store that night.

  “You by yourself tonight?” the bartender asked. Reina recognized her from some parties. “Been a while since I saw you here alone.”

  “Yeah, girlfriend’s busy and I just got off work. Just want to relax, you know?”

  “I hear that. Don’t know if you noticed, though, it’s kind of couple’s night in here.”

  Reina looked around. She didn’t pay attention when she came in, but most of the other women in there were in pairs or seemingly double-dating. Usually she assumed half were couples and half were groups of friends. When was Valentine’s Day again? “Someone has to be the odd one out tonight. Guess it’s me.”

  “You’re not the only one.” The bartender nodded toward another figure at the other end of the bar. “If you were single I would suggest you go talk to that one down there. She seems a bit of a sad mess. You would probably cheer her up.”

  “Yeah, and piss off my girlfriend.”

  The bartender concurred and wandered away. Reina took another drink and stared at the wall of alcohol in front of her. What a nice way to relax...

  “What’s your fuckin’ problem?” a large woman with a red Mohawk asked. She gestured to the girl behind her, the same one the bartender pointed out. “This ain’t the place for that kind of fetish lady. Go to the strip club if you want to stare at couples.”

  The foursome sitting at the table in front of the bar got up and left, two of them grumbling about “perverts” even in a lesbian bar. When they cleared the space, Reina looked up and saw a mass of curly dirty blond hair she never thought she would see again.

  Hitomi looked up as well, catching Reina’s glance.

  The hell is she doing here? Reina didn’t see Yoko anywhere. Was she hiding in the bathroom so her and Hitomi could ambush the gross lesbians and... whatever they thought they were going to do? Reina picked up her drink and slinked off her seat. Best to nip this bullshit in the bud right now.

  “Re... Reina...” Hitomi said, sitting up and backing against the wall behind her. She stared up at Reina with wide eyes that whirled in apprehension. Is she scared of me? This wasn’t a warning shot anymore. Whatever Hitomi was here for, it wasn’t for her personal enjoyment.

&n
bsp; “Yeah, it’s me. But I should be the one expressing surprise at seeing you here. What do you want with us? To pick on us some more?” Reina sat on the stool next to Hitomi to make sure the resident homophobe couldn’t go bother someone else. “Surely you’ve got something better to do with your time. Like a job, right?”

  Slowly, Hitomi shook her head, relaxed her shoulders, and clung to her glass of alcohol. “No job. I didn’t even look for one. I’m getting married, you know... I won’t need to ever work because my boyfriend... I mean my husband will...”

  Reina glanced at Hitomi’s hand and saw a silver band there. “I guess I should congratulate you on your shining star in heterosexuality. You know, it takes a pair of fucking balls you really don’t have to keep coming back to places like this. Soon Ni-chome itself will have you banned for being a creepy dick. Another body part you don’t have.”

  Hitomi shuddered. “I’m sorry. I mean it this time. I... I didn’t know what else to do.”

  “Do? What are you talking about?”

  The other young woman covered her face with her hand and shook again. Is she crying? “I’m so confused. I think I... I think I might be...”

  “What?” Reina sat up, the light bulb in her mind turning on. It was a faint, soft yellow bulb, however, and it short-circuited quickly. “Lez?”

  The way Hitomi held back a sob at that word told Reina everything she needed to know. My God. There were cosmic jokes, and then there were galactic farces. The irony could cure anemia. “I don’t know,” Hitomi whispered. Reina could barely hear her over music and loud conversations. It reminded her of the cafe they went to a while ago. When she kissed me. Amazing how quickly things made sense.

  “You either like girls or you don’t. I ain’t gonna tell you which one suits you, but either way, you need to stop being so hateful to these poor women. And me.”

  “I know.” Hitomi unclenched her glass and wiped her eyes. “It’s just... it’s scary...”

  “Is it? I don’t think it’s scary. But then again it’s all I’ve ever known.”

  Sniffing. “I like men though. I mean, sure some are better than others, but...”

  “Some people like both. It’s not a crime.”

  “But what do I do about these other feelings?”

  “Whatever you want to do.”

  Hitomi turned toward Reina, curly hair looking more frazzled than ever. Red circles hung beneath her big eyes. “I’ve done it before, you know. Kissed a girl. Besides you, that is.”

  “That so? Did you like it?”

  She turned away again. “Yes. And I thought she did too. But it turns out she didn’t like it. She thought what we did was disgusting and that we should forget that it ever happened. Well I didn’t want to forget!” Hitomi slammed her fist against the counter. “It was a beautiful night we had. We laughed and touched each other and kissed for a long time...” Head falling toward the bar, Hitomi slapped her hand on her forehead and sobbed. “She was my best friend and she said such a thing to me later.”

  Reina needed another drink to get her through this. Yoko. “Is that what you two were fighting about that one time?”

  Hitomi nodded. “She told me that we should forget it happened, and I told her that was ridiculous. How could I forget that? She called me a gross lez and said she was going to tell Ryota if I didn’t promise to never bring it up again. She said it was because of you. Somehow you managed to infect us. I don’t think that’s possible, right? Gay isn’t really contagious, right?”

  Although she wanted to laugh, Reina decided it was best to stay mum on her amusement. “No, it doesn’t work like that. The only thing you might have ever caught from me was a cold.”

  “That’s what I thought. Yoko’s family is really religious though. Like, Western religious. I don’t know which denomination. Her father writes journals about the sins of homosexuality and transsexuality. I don’t think she really believes it... maybe she was fooling around with me and didn’t feel something that night... but to say those awful things. It hurt me so much.”

  “Now you know how it feels to have someone bash you for your sexuality.”

  “Yes. I see that now. I did those things because I felt like I had to protect myself. In a way I envied you. You were so confident in who you were and your predilections. Deep inside I wished I could be that way too. I was in a prison. I still am.”

  “You were being overly defensive. It happens a lot.” Reina had seen it more than a dozen times over the years.

  Hitomi shook her head again. “You must think I’m so awful. Those terrible things I said to you... the way I treated you. Other women I’ve been mean to will forget me. But I treated you like shit for so many months.”

  “I’m somehow over it. Annoyed at the memory, but over it.”

  “Still...”

  “Look, you think you’re the first preppy chick to say mean shit to me about the way I look and act? That shit has been happening since high school. Not just my classmates back then. But the teachers and nuns too. My own mother still treats me like shit. The only real friend I have left in my life is my girlfriend. And now I work in a company that is decent enough but full of men who assume I’m straight, and I can’t tell if those assumptions are good or not. You think you live in a prison? Just because I’m open with myself to live in a field of flowers, doesn’t mean that meadow isn’t surrounded by a barbed wire electrical fence. It’s paradise inside my mind and in my safe spaces. It’s hell everywhere else.”

  Crimped hair slid off the counter. “Is this one of your safe spaces?”

  “Bars and hangouts like this, yeah. Hey, it ain’t much, it’s out of the way, and it’s boring if you don’t like bar scenes, but for most lesbians it’s all we have even in this city. Do you know how many girls in this bar right now might have boyfriends or are lying to their parents? This neighborhood is the only place they can be truly open with themselves and strangers they’ve just met. That’s why you came here, isn’t it?”

  Hitomi held her fuzzy sweater sleeve up to her cheeks. “I came here because I wanted to know if it felt right.”

  “And?”

  “I don’t know...”

  “You should figure it out soon. Don’t get trapped in a life that will really become a prison.” Reina knew too many women like that over the years. Some of them didn’t survive to see better days.

  High-pitched laughter rang out behind them at another table. Hitomi covered her ears through her hair and closed her eyes. “I can’t figure anything out right now. I don’t do well in noisy environments like this... and yet I came here, because I didn’t know where else to go.”

  Reina finished her drink and checked her pockets to make sure everything was still there. “You should go home and get some sleep. Things might make more sense in the morning.”

  “Can’t. I told my mother I would be out all night. And I can’t go anywhere else without feeling terrible. Not Yoko’s... not Ryota’s...”

  “So what were you going to do? Stay out all night until it was late enough in the morning to crawl home? Don’t do that to yourself. Most of these places close in the middle of the night anyway. What are you going to do? Find a hotel to sleep in? Karaoke booth?”

  “I guess so...”

  Reina slid off her stool and picked up her briefcase. Her stomach growled in hunger. “You eat dinner yet?”

  “No.”

  I can’t believe I’m doing this. Shoulders squared and chin up, St. Reina of the Lesbians said, “Let’s get something to eat.”

  She didn’t know what she meant by that exactly. I have to get her away from here. Hitomi was ten minutes away from getting kicked out of a bar, pissing off the wrong butch, or sinking into a ditch somewhere. For her good and theirs. It wasn’t the job of other women out trying to have a fun night to console Hitomi and make her feel welcomed in some community. That was earned through other means. Besides, Hitomi wouldn’t find what she was looking for in a ba
r. The harsh reality said that the only places lesbians could go to were clubs like that. Sometimes there were support groups and meetings, but they were intimidating to someone like Hitomi. She needed a quiet space. And food. Reina’s stomach rumbled again as she escorted her old classmate and friend out of the bar and into the street.

  They went to a fast food place by the station, but since it was Friday night the place was packed in every seat. There was no choice but to get orders to go, but there was nowhere to eat their food. I’m an idiot. Reina took Hitomi to the train station. But what else can I do? Together they got on a train and headed to the closest thing Reina saw as a sanctuary outside of Shinjuku.

  “Your neighborhood is so old,” Hitomi said, following Reina down her street. It was late enough in the evening now that lights were going out in some of the houses. Elderly people, most of them. Elderly and blue collar workers who worked first shift. Like Hitomi said the neighborhood was old, but it was also quiet. “I don’t come up north very often.”

  “That’s where the old shit is.” Reina pulled out her house key and walked through her gate. Hitomi stood in the street a few seconds longer before following Reina inside.

  “Tadaima,” Reina said, even though her mother wasn’t home. “Let’s go upstairs. There’s nothing down here you wanna see.” She stopped when she realized what it sounded like she was saying. “Don’t be nervous about anything. This is just talking.” For once in her life.

  They went up to her room, where they put their bags down on the folding table. Hitomi asked to the use the restroom, and while she was in there Reina changed into lounge pants and a T-shirt. Better than trying to take her bedroom seriously while dressed like a corporate monkey.