Joshoku

by Hildred Billings

  “Thank you for inviting me over,” Hitomi said when she returned and they sat on Reina’s futon to eat dinner. “You didn’t have to. Especially after the way I treated you.”

  “Whatever. I’ve been treated worse. And you’re better off here than on your own out there. What were you thinking, going out like that?”

  Hitomi nibbled on a fry from her bag. “I told you, I was trying to figure things out.”

  “By creepily watching women make out?”

  A response didn’t come for a while. “I didn’t mean to be creepy. I saw two women doing that and... I couldn’t look away. I had never seen something like that before.”

  “And yet you say that you’ve made out with a woman.”

  “Doing it is different from watching it. When you do it, you’re in the moment. When you’re watching it, you see every angle and have time to ascertain how you feel about it.”

  Reina tore a chicken strip in half before taking a sip of soda from her cup. “And how did you feel about it?”

  Paper crinkled to her right. When Reina looked over, she saw Hitomi staring into the pit of her hamburger wrapper as if worms wriggled in festering numbers. “I can’t respond to that without wanting to die of embarrassment.”

  Aroused, huh. Reina could relate. Watching two women make out in front of her made her gears turn as well. The difference was that she embraced those sensations. “I know that this is easy for me to say, but you have to learn to accept your feelings. Even if you hide them from people, you should still at least accept the fact that two women making out turns you on. Denial will eat you away like a termite on wood.”

  “I see.” Hitomi put her food down. “Why are you being so nice to me? I was terrible to you. I don’t deserve this sort of guidance.”

  “It’s true. You were a fucking jerk. But I’ve seen what these sorts of feelings can do to a woman. You’re scared, right? Most girls still can’t even come out to their mothers.” Aiko wasn’t out to Junko, and that was probably a good thing. “If they do, they’re either disowned or in a terrible place for a while.”

  “What about you?”

  “My mother knows. I’m not the type to keep that secret from people in my personal life. She has always hated it. But our relationship was strained even before I told her I was gay. In the long run, it made no difference, but...”

  “But?”

  Reina pursed her lips around her straw. “I used to have a girlfriend who was disowned by her mother for being gay.” Mio, a mousy girl who found solace in dreams that could never come true. “Even straight people know how dangerous it can be, even if it’s something they never thought about before.”

  “I understand. The world is a confusing place.”

  More paper crumpled as Reina threw her trash out. “You can stay here tonight, if you want. I can find another futon for you to sleep on.” She went to her closet to see if she could find some pillows and blankets at the very least. There were a couple from when Aiko would sleep over. We can share a futon, but for some reason she likes having her own pillow.

  Hitomi was still staring at her half-eaten food. “Thank you, Reina. You’re sweet. I’m sorry for treating you the way I did. I guess you made me scared of facing the feelings I had been carrying around for a while. I was such a child.”

  No futon, but there were thick blankets to sleep on instead. Reina took one look at Hitomi, who continued to nibble her food as if she had the appetite of a dead girl. She’s so sad. Confused, lost, scared. Those were emotions Reina didn’t know how to deal with. Normally she would say a few sweet things and then quickly get away and let other, more empathetic people deal with someone upset. Yet Hitomi was in her room. She didn’t expect anything else of Reina, but it was an aura that wasn’t necessary for this mini-sanctuary.

  Reina went downstairs under the guise of making tea. She locked herself in the living area and picked up the phone.

  “Can you come over?” she asked, the moment Junko put Aiko on the phone.

  “What? It’s almost nine.”

  “Please? I need you right now.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  I need you to help me deal with this. “Joshoku.”

  Silence filled the phone. “Is this a booty call?”

  “Are you coming over or not?”

  Aiko was silent again. “Mou, it’s really late and you live on the other side of town. But I guess. Give me an hour.”

  It was the longest hour of Reina’s life.

  She listened to Hitomi talk some more, about how she had admired women since she was a young girl watching music shows on television. “I was always envious of love scenes in movies,” she said, sitting cross-legged on Reina’s futon as if they were having an old-fashioned sleepover. “Of course I naturally thought that I was jealous of the woman getting to kiss the man. But now I realize that I wanted to be the one kissing the woman.” The reason it took Hitomi so long to face her latent desires was because she enjoyed the company of men as well, and had several boyfriends through middle school and high school until she started dating Ryota. “I thought that because I liked sex with men, it meant that my attraction to women was nothing.” But as the months and years went by, suppression about made her burst. “Every time you reminded me of that sort of life, I panicked, because it meant I wasn’t paying attention to my other needs.” Needs that were verboten to many of those around her. “Yoko said that I was disgusting for even considering it, both before and after we had that night together. For a few hours I was crazy with the idea that something romantic would happen between us. But it was a game to her.” Then the engagement and graduation came, and Hitomi had to face the things she had yet to try. “I don’t know what I expected from going to a gay bar like that. I read that a woman only goes to a lesbian bar alone if she wants to find sex. Is that true?”

  “Depends,” Reina said, leaning against her folding table. “It’s the stereotype. But those are usually based in some truth. Is that why you went?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I thought... if some women found me attractive I would feel... but all I did was creep people out and get upset. In retrospect I shouldn’t have gone there tonight. I should have waited until I was in a better place mentally.”

  Reina drummed her fingers on the table. “Would you actually sleep with a woman?”

  Hitomi neither looked at her nor avoided her gaze. It was as if she had been expecting that question all night. Probably. “It would depend on the circumstance. But I mean... I would not be opposed to it.”

  The doorbell rang. Reina went to get up, but then she heard the front door open and close downstairs. “Konbanwa!” Aiko greeted, her voice echoing in the hallways outside Reina’s room. Footsteps tramped up the stairs, and Reina’s girlfriend opened the door. Her smile instantly faded the moment she saw Hitomi. “Who is this?”

  By now Hitomi looked as if she wanted to crawl beneath Reina’s blankets and never be seen again. “You remember Hitomi.”

  The girl nodded. “I’m Hitomi Mochida. I think we’ve met before.”

  “Oh.” Aiko plopped her knapsack holding a change of clothes on the floor. “Yeah, I remember you now. What is she doing here?” she asked Reina.

  “I found her in Ni-chome needing a friend. She’s cool.”

  It took a bit more coaxing, but Aiko eventually came to the futon and sat on the other side of her girlfriend. She and Hitomi shared more introductions, but then the silence returned. Hitomi curled up in a ball and stared at the floor, and Aiko glared at her girlfriend through the corner of her eye.

  “Come on, let’s talk,” Reina said, taking Aiko by the arm and leading her out into the hall.

  As soon as the door closed, Reina told Aiko what had happened that evening, beginning with leaving work and ending with the latter’s arrival only a few minutes ago. By the time she reached that part, Aiko already twisted her face in disbelief.

  “I hope you know what you’re
doing,” she whispered.

  “Be nice to her, okay? She’s going through some rough shit right now.”

  “And you wanted me to be a part of it?”

  Reina scrunched her nose. “I didn’t know what to do on my own! Besides, I thought you might get mad if you found out that I had another girl sleeping in my room without telling you.”

  “When you invited me over, I thought you were lonely or something had happened. I hurried here because I was worried about you. Mou, you didn’t have the ability to deal with this girl on your own. I didn’t think there was a woman alive you couldn’t handle, but I guess when it comes to emotions you shut down.”

  You can be a dick sometimes. Reina had great fondness for her girlfriend, but Aiko was pushing it. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you. But I didn’t want you getting the wrong idea.”

  “So what are we doing tonight, hm? Where is she going to sleep?”

  “I’ll find something for her to sleep on.”

  Aiko placed a hand on her girlfriend’s shoulder and glared at her some more. “Sometimes you are a strange woman and I don’t quite understand you.”

  “Consider that feeling mutual.” Reina shrugged her off and went back into her room. Hitomi put down one of her hostess’s CDs and returned to the futon.

  I thought Ai-chan would make this easier to deal with. On the contrary, Aiko only brought more tension. She didn’t know Hitomi outside of stories Reina had told her. Negative stories. The usually sweet girl turned into a sulky woman as she was forced to share pleasant conversation with a person she assumed to be homophobic and boundary breaking. But as the minutes wore on and Hitomi made no disparaging comments, Aiko eventually opened up, using Reina as a subject.

  “She studied a lot. I was impressed, since I never took her for the studying type.” Aiko patted her girlfriend’s back as Reina flipped through a magazine on her folding table. “When she graduated a couple of months ago, I was really proud of her.”

  Hitomi wrapped her arms around bent legs. “How long have you been together?”

  “Almost three and a half years. Maa, I can’t believe so much time has gone by. Seems like yesterday we were fooling around for the first time.” She giggled until she realized what intimate detail she just shared. A hand clasped upon her mouth.

  I remember that day. A karaoke booth on their third date. Our first real kiss. First time getting to second-base too. I’ve been hitting homers ever since. The only time baseball applied to Reina’s life was when she was scoring with women.

  “She doesn’t want to hear about that,” Reina said. She flipped her magazine over and read some comics.

  “I don’t mind.” Hitomi combed her fingers through her hair. “I guess it’s nice knowing that there are couples like you two out there. I can’t imagine having something like that.”

  “You like staring,” was all Reina said.

  “Excuse me?”

  She looked at Hitomi, face pale and worrisome. “You almost got kicked out of a gay bar for watching women make out. You must be some kind of voyeur.”

  “What’s a voyeur?”

  “It means you like watching. Like my girlfriend.”

  “Reina!” Aiko smacked her on the shoulder.

  “It’s true. You like watching me fool around with women. Don’t act like you don’t.”

  Neither Aiko nor Hitomi said anything. Reina pushed away the folding table.

  I’m suicidal. Especially with Aiko right there. She’s gonna kick my ass. Reina took Hitomi by the wrist and pulled her forward, making Aiko gasp as her girlfriend kissed the young woman with curly hair.

  Hitomi shuddered in Reina’s arms, her body slipping down toward the futon as neither of them relented the kiss. It was a simple kiss, with puckered lips and no tongue, but within seconds Hitomi had her arms around Reina’s shoulders and moaned upon her mouth. There it is. Never did it take long for the snake of desire to coil in Reina’s gut. Hitomi was never her type because of the way she treated her, yet now Reina could feel this soft body and taste the flavor of another woman. Aiko did not move.

  She kisses like she wants me. The final test regarding how serious Hitomi was about fancying women. No girl kissed another one like that and wasn’t ready to admit a mutual attraction. If she were anyone else, Reina would do her there and then with Aiko looking on and maybe joining in. But it was Hitomi Mochida, the myopic asshole who made Reina’s life hell from the moment she came out to her study group. She was being defensive. Reina understood lashing out against one’s sexuality because it wasn’t deemed acceptable. Poor Hitomi probably spent the past two years crying herself to sleep because she wanted women but was convinced it was wrong. Now she had one in her arms, giving her passion and release. She was still trying to kiss her when Reina broke her lips away and sat back toward Aiko.

  “Did you get that out of your system?” Reina’s girlfriend asked in an even, dry tone. “Took about ten minutes longer than I was anticipating.”

  Hitomi sat up with both hands covering her mouth. “I’m so sorry!” she said to Aiko.

  Against her better judgment, Reina sent her girlfriend a knowing look. This could get interesting. She leaned in and whispered a tidbit into Aiko’s ear.

  “She doesn’t know you.”

  What Aiko did with that information was up to her. Reina went back to her sitting table and tried reading her magazine once more. Pictures of music artists talking about their latest releases flipped by, and so did comics and advice columns about sex and love. Reina lingered on these, fully aware that they talked of straight relationships and thus could not hold her interest.

  An excited whimper erupted behind her and someone kicked her right in the rump. Reina kept her eyes on the magazine. “How To Lose Two Kilos Fast For A Killer Summer Body.” Blood flowed through her as she stared at beautiful models in bikinis. Even the ones purposely slouching and tugging on their supposed fat were beautiful. Women of all shapes and sizes were beautiful. Women from so many different backgrounds were beautiful. Women are beautiful.

  Reina glanced up and saw the mirror she kept on her short dresser. A reflection of the two women behind her played inside it.

  She had never really seen Aiko in the way Aiko had seen her – with another woman, with the intent to both be aroused and to arouse. I’m a Peeping Tom. The mirror showed enough for Reina to see her girlfriend with both hands and lips on Hitomi’s face. Aiko’s coiffed bun and pink chiffon blouse were lost in the veil of Hitomi’s hair as they fooled around. It was one part experimental and one part instinctual: Aiko had the experience from those three and a half years with her girlfriend, but she lacked the dominant drive that Reina had, and Hitomi was eager yet resistant. The magazine crinkled in Reina’s hands as she watched these two submissive types gingerly touch but passionately kiss as if they were virgins instead of women aware of the world of sex and desire.

  God damn her if it didn’t turn her on.

  “Kimochi,” Hitomi squeaked as Aiko’s face disappeared into her partner’s hair. All Reina could see was the former closing her eyes and throwing her head back as someone nibbled on her ear. It didn’t take much longer for Aiko to try to cop a feel right on top of Hitomi’s sweater.

  This was for the best. Hitomi got her experience with another woman without the embarrassment of it being Reina.

  Things got more interesting when Reina caught her old study partner tentatively placing her hand on Aiko’s breast and squeezing it. Aiko moaned and pawed at Hitomi’s shoulders and hips. She’s doing that on purpose. Reina forced herself to look at the magazine, but the pictures ran together in her mind. My Aiko... She looked up again and saw those two going at it harder now, lost in a whirl of hormones that wouldn’t be cooled unless Reina sprayed them with a hose. But why would she want to? Because it would be weird if I joined.

  She wondered if this was how Aiko felt whenever she watched her girlfriend get started with someone else. Jealousy, arou
sal, intrigue. Hitomi lifted her arms into the air as Aiko lifted her sweater up, revealing a sheer white camisole with a bra beneath. The two resumed their lovemaking with Hitomi’s arms now bare. The sweater hit Reina in the back of the head.

  Gasps and giggles shook the room as Aiko whispered something into Hitomi’s ear. What is it? What? Reina looked over her shoulder and shared a glimpse with Aiko. For the first time in her life Reina saw her girlfriend give a look that said, “How do you like me now?” Reina dropped the magazine.

  It couldn’t be helped now. She wanted it. Them. Both of them. It didn’t matter who they were, although Aiko being one of them helped. Reina knew her. What she liked, wanted, and desired deep inside. She was familiarity in its finest form. A beautiful young woman who was a guaranteed good time. Hitomi was the unknown, a map waiting to be explored. But Aiko was the adventurer of this crusade. She got to find out what it was like to touch and kiss this woman first. It may not have been the first time she fooled around with someone in front of Reina, but it was the first time Reina felt so hot about it.

  Because Hitomi was hot. With her sweater off Reina could see her slim figure beneath the camisole, and she paid attention to those long, smooth legs as they wrapped around Aiko’s waist and rubbed against her. A hand studded with an engagement ring went up Aiko’s chiffon blouse and pleased her there. It wasn’t fair. Reina wanted in.

  In the end I guess I’m still a simple slut. She crawled onto the futon, careful to avoid Hitomi’s space in case she startled her. Not that she knew how that would happen with that girl so absorbed in exploring another woman’s body for the first time in her life. A strange woman. If it were me, she would be too nervous, too apprehensive. With Aiko it was like fooling with someone she picked up elsewhere. Apparently Aiko enjoyed it too, for she was warm to the touch when Reina crept behind her and blew on the back of her neck.

  “Stop fucking around and do the poor girl,” she whispered into Aiko’s ear. “Give her what she’s been aching for all this time.”