my life as a pop album

by LJ Evans

  I shook my head ever so slightly, but I couldn’t answer. I was frozen on the inside. Those words had been all that had held my shredded heart together for a long time. It was Hayden’s apology note. The one he wrote when I said I loved him and he chose Marcie instead. It was the note he wrote after I sent him a pile of love letters and he continued to call because he said he needed a friend. It was the note that made me hold on so tightly to the possibility of him coming back to me. Like Jake and Cam had always found their way back to each other. But he hadn’t come back.

  I pulled the car into a slot in the parking lot of the hotel. But we didn’t get out. Derek continued to look down at the paper.

  “Did some guy write this for you?” he asked, and it was obvious that a guy had. Hayden’s handwriting was such a typical male scribble.

  But the question was, did just some guy write me that? Some guy? Was that all he was? Just some guy I’d loved? Just some guy I’d lost my virginity to? Just some guy who couldn’t love me enough to choose me first? Just some guy who’d left my already guilt knotted heart with a new ice picked hole in it?

  “What kind of asshole would write something like that?” Derek said bringing me back to him and away from Hayden.

  “He’s not…” I started to defend him, protective of my first love.

  “Mia, you don’t encourage someone to love you when you know you’re going to hurt them. That’s not love, that’s some egotistical jerk playing games.” And somewhere deep inside me, a tiny voice spoke up asking if maybe Derek was right. Because Hayden had known how I felt and hadn’t stopped calling me. Hadn’t stopped even though he was with someone else.

  God it stung. All the words coming from this beautiful BB’s mouth. The one who should, in all rights, be breaking hearts just like that. A jerk playing a game. But Derek hadn’t done that. Not yet. So far he’d only been up front and real and honest.

  “It wasn’t like that,” I still protested, and tried to grab the paper from his hand, but he didn’t let me. Instead, he tore it up into little shreds that made my heart feel like shards of glass being pounded by manic feet.

  And I should have been furious. Watching as Derek shredded the words I’d carried around for almost a year and a half. But somehow, I wasn’t. Because that tiny voice was still beating out a tune about it maybe being true. That all this time I’d been thinking that Hayden just needed someone to stick around and believe in him, when really maybe he just got off on the fact that I was always waiting in his shadow?

  It made me realize that I’d been weak. And stupid. It was embarrassing beyond belief that I would have been that naïve. That needy. That I had been following him around like a stupid puppy following its master.

  “Mia?”

  I couldn’t look at him. I knew I’d turned a thousand shades of red. He tried to grab my chin and turn it to him, but I couldn’t let him. I just held on tight to the steering wheel, parked in the lot at the Renaissance Hotel as my stupidity and my emotions overwhelmed me. I didn’t want to see what he was feeling in those expressive eyes. Pity? Shock at my inanity? Disgust? God, please don’t let it be disgust.

  “Little Bird, please look at me.”

  This new nickname hit my stomach like a tornado hits a barn, but I still couldn’t look at him. I pushed his hand away as he tried to undo mine from the steering wheel.

  “I think it’s beautiful that you gave your heart to him,” he said quietly. And my throat closed up. A sound came out that was a clog of emotion and tears. But I would not cry. I was good at not crying.

  Somehow I choked out, “Stupid, not beautiful.”

  “It’s not stupid to love someone.”

  “It is when you know they’ll never reciprocate it.”

  “But that’s just my point. How were you to know that he would never love you back when he said this kind of shit to you?”

  “Actions speak louder than words,” I said. Didn’t I know that? Hadn’t I seen it my whole life with Cam and Jake? Jake may have denied loving her when they were younger, but it was obvious every time they were together and he couldn’t keep his eyes off her. She drew him. He drew her. They were fireflies colliding in a night sky. Beautiful and brilliant. I didn’t think Hayden had ever looked at me like that. Why hadn’t I seen it before?

  “I hate that saying,” he said to me. “It isn’t true. Sometimes words have a much more lasting impact on you than anything anyone ever does.”

  And I was shocked. Because words had been my life, and I couldn’t believe there was anyone else out there beside Harry Winston who could ever believe that words could change you. That they could change you for the good or the bad.

  We sat there in silence.

  “Little Bird, please look at me.” This time when he tugged gently at my chin, I let him turn my face to his, but I was still not brave enough to look up. To meet those eyes which had to be saying “this-chick-is-lame” even as he was trying to comfort me.

  I could feel him taking in every inch of my face, and he moved his thumb so that it ran along the very edge of my lip, and my body instantly went into honey butter mode. He leaned toward me and whispered quietly, “He didn’t deserve someone as loving and loyal as you.”

  Finally, I risked looking up at him and couldn’t suppress the intake of breath at what I saw in his eyes. It was admiration at a minimum. Maybe something more. Something I was a little terrified to name.

  “I’m going to kiss you,” he told me, as his lips inched towards mine. It was as if he was afraid I’d fly away if he did it without warning me. That I really would be that Little Bird.

  And when I didn’t pull away or protest, he closed the tiny space that was left between us and touched his lips to mine in a kiss that was so light and so reverent that it started to break my walls, leaving behind solitary blocks and tiny little crumbs that would not likely be able to be put back together again anytime soon.

  And it wasn’t that there wasn’t passion in that kiss, because purple biscuits, my toes were curling in my flip flops again. But this kiss wasn’t about sex. He was trying to send me a message. A message that I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear yet. About me and wishes and fairytales.

  Just as the kiss started to turn into something that had me twisting my fingers into his soft t-shirt and pulling him towards me, there was a knock on the glass.

  We both jumped back and looked up to see Lonnie grinning like a crazy-lumber-jack at us. “Hello little children, am I interrupting?”

  “You’re such an idiot,” Derek said, shoving the door open so quick and hard that the handle hit Lonnie in the crotch and he doubled over groaning. Derek jumped out of the car still ranting about him being a dumbass and a big baby.

  I brushed my fingers over my lips before getting out as well, and when I turned, Derek was watching me over the roof of the car with his gray eyes still storm clouds that I wanted to lose myself in. He was waiting for me to fly away. But I didn’t want to fly anywhere. Rather, I wanted to go around the car and ease myself into his side and take his hand in mine. But I couldn’t. My brain wouldn’t let me. My walls that were becoming pieces were still there preventing me from making a physical step like that.

  Instead, I opened the trunk and took my bag out. Derek came over and insisted on grabbing it even though he had his own, and we walked into the lobby of the hotel to check in.

  We had adjoining rooms again. It was strange. Like Derek and his manager had specifically asked for them. It made my heart pitter-patter in that way that was very hazardous to my health while I struggled to be sensible. To keep my imagination from leaping places it shouldn’t go.

  When the knock on the adjoining door came a few minutes later, I answered it with equal amounts of trepidation and hope. Derek was leaning against the doorframe, ever prevalent jeans and a t-shirt angled tight against his body. He wasn’t smiling though. He was serious.

  Good job, Mia, my brain pounded out, see what happens when you let your heart take over. Cheerful men becom
e serious zombies.

  “I have to get over to the venue to rehearse. We’re already later than we expected, and George is going nuts,” Derek said as if it was an apology. I wasn’t sure what for. His manager had already called a dozen times while we were on the road.

  “Are you going to get lost? Maybe I should Google it for you,” I tried to tease. He didn’t bite.

  “We aren’t done with our conversation,” he said.

  I turned away but he followed and had me by the arm, turning me back around before I could take more than five steps. And then he was kissing me again. And this kiss wasn’t reverent. Or maybe just not as reverent, because it was also demanding and feverish, and it made my body ache. Ache in places I’d never ached before. Never ever. My fingers tightened into balls in his t-shirt again.

  His lips left mine and I opened my eyes to see a smile on his face. Relief flooded me. Serious Derek had gone away again. “I really, really want to stay and finish this conversation.”

  God, his tone was back too, the playful light-heartedness making me ache almost as much as his kiss had.

  “Just go,” I said.

  “Do you want to come?”

  I shook my head. I didn’t. I needed some space. I needed to figure out what my warring body and brain were going to do with all the new information it had gathered that day.

  “I don’t know how late we’ll be.” He was apologizing again. “Knowing George, he’ll have us try a dozen different things before he’s satisfied that the set is right.”

  “Don’t apologize. This is what you’re here for.”

  “I know. It’s what I wanted. It’s what we planned.” His hand brushed through his locks. “God, I just didn’t plan on also wanting to be here with you.”

  My heart leapt at his words. Words that wiped clean the ones I’d been caring around for eighteen months and that had been torn to pieces in the Camaro.

  “Moron.” I pushed away, trying to lighten the mood. Trying to summon my inner Cam who was so good at being flippant and sassy. “Go do your gig. I’m fine. I’ll see you when I see you.”

  He stepped back with the grin back on his face. When he got to the adjoining door he pointed at it. “I’m leaving this open.”

  Oh my God. Was that a statement or a promise? My heart skipped wildly. I just nodded and made a shooing motion with my hands. He started to leave, but then took two rapid strides back to me, kissed me quick, and then walked away without looking back. I heard his hotel door slam shut.

  I sank down on the bed. My heart hammered in my chest. My lips felt happy. I think I was smiling. A smile I didn’t know I could still use. And for once, I didn’t want the guilt and the doubts to overwhelm my happiness, and I knew if I just sat in the silence it would overtake me until I was barely able to breathe.

  So instead, I reached for my phone. I couldn’t text Mama because she would just worry. And Cam would want to bust something.

  I texted Wynn.

  ME: I think I’m falling for a sexy musician.

  Moments later.

  WYNN: Cam told me you’d gone insane and are on some tour across country with the band guy from the fundraiser. Where are you?

  ME: Oklahoma City. At the Renaissance Hotel. And tomorrow I’ll be at The Criterion watching him play. And the day after that I’ll be spelunking with him at Alabaster Caverns.

  WYNN: Is this really Mia? Or has somebody stolen her phone?

  I didn’t know if I should now be offended or relieved that so many people didn’t believe that this adventure was something I would normally do. I guess I really hadn’t done anything in my life that would shock anyone. The only noteworthy thing I had done was give a kidney when I wasn’t even eighteen. And look how that had ended.

  ME: It’s me. What do I do?

  WYNN: The word spelunking kinda gave you away actually. Do you really want my opinion? I can tell you what Cam would say, don’t give him one chance to look at anyone else. Do anything and everything to demand he looks at you.

  ME: You’re funny. If I wanted to know what Cam would do, I would be texting Cam. Besides, we all know what she would do. Bust everything until he didn’t have a choice but to look at her.

  WYNN: LOL. Are you really falling for him or just lusting want-to—have-sex after him?

  I wanted to text that I just wanted to have sex with him. Even though that was not something Wynn would ever expect to hear from Mia. I wanted to say that I was just in this for three weeks of escape. But, only a day into this adventure, and I was suddenly unsure I could do that.

  ME: ????

  WYNN: Well. I’ll just say one thing then. GO FOR IT!

  ME: Would you?

  WYNN: Doesn’t matter. Just do it. Wink, Wink.

  After we’d said good-bye, I lay thinking again which was never a good thing. I knew I’d go stir crazy if I stayed in the hotel room staring at the walls.

  I decided I would go do laundry. I’d already burned through a stack of my clothes; there wasn’t a lot more in the suitcase.

  Just as I was getting ready to leave, Mama texted to ask if we’d arrived. And my stomach turned unpleasantly because I hadn’t texted her, and I’d made her worry. I apologized for not letting her know that we were at the hotel. I told her that I was going out to do laundry. Mama surprised me by texting back that I should just go shopping instead. She told me she knew Daddy had put money in my account, and that I should go splurge.

  It seemed so not Mama. Neither her nor Daddy were big spend thrifts. They were save-now-for-later kind of people. Not that we’d really been denied anything growing up, it was just that they saw the need to put aside for the future.

  But, I did need clothes. Something different from my usual business apparel or my teenage left overs. And even though I knew it was yet another thing I’d feel guilty about later, I Googled the nearest shopping mall and found one not too far where I could get regular clothes and some caving gear.

  I didn’t want to take Jake’s—Derek’s—Camaro without his permission, so I took a Lyft. I hadn’t spent the day shopping by myself ever. I’d always had Wynn or Cam or some member of my fraternity with me.

  In this case, I had no one to run opinions against. But that was also kind of good. I had to rely on my own opinion. I had to decide what I liked and didn’t like. I picked up some more summer dresses and a pair of skinny jeans that didn’t make my curved hips and small legs look too out of proportion. And a couple blousy tank tops that I could wear to the clubs the band would be playing at and not feel like a leper. I got a pair of wedge sandals to go with it all and felt almost like a normal twenty-two-year-old. Almost.

  Then I hit the sporting goods store. Once there, I had to ask for help and one of the salesmen was really nice. He asked where I was going caving and what I liked about it. I had to be honest that I was new to it all, but my friends were more experienced. When I was done getting a neoprene backpack, elbow and shin pads, a helmet, and some slick gear, I felt almost like I knew what I was doing.

  The guy wrote his number on the receipt.

  I just stared at it as I walked out. That had never happened to me before. But I’d been way more talkative with him than I normally was. And for once, I almost felt like maybe I could be the firefly Cam had always been. That maybe, just maybe, I’d be able to shine in the brilliant sky instead of fade into invisibility like normal.

  But that just made the guilt hit me as it always did hardest when I started to feel too good. Because I didn’t deserve to shine. I definitely didn’t deserve to shine brighter than Jake or Cam. I wanted him back so he could shine with her.

  By the time I got back to the hotel, my mood had sobered back up. It was almost eight o’clock. I wasn’t really hungry, and even though my body was begging for sleep, my brain wouldn’t rest.

  Derek was obviously not back yet. I changed into my leggings and t-shirt, shut off the light, and climbed into bed. And then I did what I normally did to escape my brain and the world, which was to immers
e myself in a new book. I opened the Kindle app on my phone and read the newest Jessica Park novel until my eyes drooped shut of their own accord.

  I don’t know how long I’d been asleep when something woke me. Maybe it was the hotel’s air conditioning kicking in or laughter in the hallway. I glanced at the clock to see it was midnight.

  I rolled over and screamed as a dark shadow moved at the edge of the room.

  And of course, just as quickly, I realized it was Derek. He was leaning on the adjoining doorway, staring at me. Maybe my echolocation device had woken me up instead of a noise.

  I sat up. “You scared me to death.”

  He didn’t move. “I’m sorry. I was trying not to wake you.”

  His voice was gravelly. Tired. And I realized that not only had he read the whole time in the car, but then he’d sang all afternoon. I hoped he wasn’t going to be hoarse for the show.

  “You sound tired,” I said quietly.

  “Beyond belief.”

  What my body wanted to do was scoot over and pull the sheet back and invite him into my bed. Not for sex. I mean, that would have been awesome too, but just so that he could rest and I could make sure he did. But, even though my boundaries had started to crumble, there was no way I was capable of inviting a guy into my bed of my own accord.

  He seemed to be waiting for my invitation. Or for something. I wasn’t sure.

  “You should get some rest,” was all I could offer out in a breathy voice that sounded way sexier than I could have made it if I’d tried.

  “I’m not sure I’m going to be able to do that with you in here and me in there.” He shoved his hands into his jeans pockets.

  My breath hitched. I nodded in agreement. Because I wasn’t sure I’d go back to sleep knowing he was in the next room either. With the door open. With the possibilities swirling between us like mist that might turn to rain.

  He eased toward me and the bed not backing down as he had the day before from my uncertainty. He looked down at me. “I’m really tired, Little Bird.”

  And finally, I couldn’t not offer it up because really, it would be rude to deny the man his rest, right? So I pulled back the covers, scooted backwards, and offered up the space where I had just been.