Illusion (Illusion Series Book 1)

by Karla Lopez

  "Emma, I'm not telling you this so you can hate him. I'm telling you why it's not a good idea to poke the wolf. I would love to be with you. You know my feelings for you, but Austin is not the guy I want to mess with."

  With those last words, he gets up, kisses me on the forehead and walks away. I sit there dumbfound about the new information I just discovered. Who is Austin and why is he such a mystery to me? I've known him for six months and I only know what he allows me to see. But now I'm more intrigued to find out and if I have to use Kyle so be it.

  ∞∞∞

  It's been a week. One whole week since I've seen or heard from Austin. It's been awful knowing that he doesn't care enough to return my calls and texts. Yes, I caved and ended up calling him and texting him dozens of times now, but no answer. How can I have lost him so quickly? We were fine, but I know deep down we were never fine. It's crazy to think that feelings are never going to be enough for broken people like us. We couldn't do it. And now here I sit in my empty house because my dad and uncles are at work. I'm all alone. It's winter break and no one is around. Lauren is off on vacation with Luke's family.

  I feel broken and anger is being fed by the pain I feel inside. I don't get it. How can someone walk away so easily? At least have the heart to answer my calls, but no it's like he's gone. My chest feels heavy and I have nothing to distract myself with. I want to call Kyle and ask if he's seen Austin, but that won’t help. Kyle will know I’m just using him when it’s convenient. It makes me feel like a terrible human being for wanting to hurt Austin and use Kyle, but at the same time, I'm just looking for some kind of reaction at this point.

  I've been avoiding Kyles and Liam's calls all week. I don't know why Liam is calling me, but if it's to blame me or gloat that our relationship is over, I don't want to hear it. With Kyle I just don't have the heart to interact with him right now. I just want to see Austin.

  I just want Austin.

  ∞∞∞

  I wake up to a loud thud at my door and it takes me a few minutes to realize it's the front door. I get up groggy from my deep sleep. I hear the pitter patter of the rain outside hitting our glass walls. When I open the door, my eyes take a few seconds to adjust to the lighting and the worry and angry eyes that follow. My chest aches instantly with the expression on his face.

  It's Liam.

  "What are you—"

  "Where's Austin?" He shouts through the rain that's hitting him hard in the face, but he seems too distracted to notice.

  "I don't know."

  "What do you mean I don't know?!" His expression makes my heart ache with worry.

  "I haven't seen him in a week."

  "What the fuck? Why? You guys were supposed to be in New York for the release of his book!" I try to remember when his book release date is, I didn’t think it was that soon.

  "We broke up." I answer rather afraid of his reaction.

  "When did this happen?" He answers angrily but tries to keep himself calm.

  "Last week."

  "And you haven't heard from him since?" He asks with worry in his tone.

  "No. He walked out on me saying that he hated the fact that he loved me. And I tried calling him, but he turned off his phone."

  "Emma." He says my name with such emotion I can feel the pain in the soles of my feet. I feel it in my chest that something is wrong, but I'm not going to get the chance to find out because Liam is already walking back to his car.

  "LIAM!" I run after him not even feeling the intense hits of the rain on my skin.

  "I'm sorry Emma, I have to go find him." He shouts back.

  I shake my head in a questioning way, but he's already driving away. I stand there as the rain hits me and my heart sinks lower and lower into my chest. Soon I won't have a heart in my chest. I feel like screaming and crying. I feel it in my bones that something is wrong. What can be wrong? I wish I knew Austin better than anyone else, but that's not the case. And by Liam's worried expression I know that something truly scares him that could occur, but what is it? All I can remember that really felt impactful is the song he showed me that represented his heart.

  I feel my lungs inflate with cold air and I realize that my skin is turning blue from the coldness of the winter night and the rain combine into it. I'm too numb with pain that I can't feel the physical pain I should be feeling. I walk back into the house and lean against the door and slide down to the ground. I sit there just thinking of every memory I've ever had with Austin. If something happens to him the last thought I have of him, the last memory I have of him is the words 'I hate that I love you' and that's it. Then watching him walk out. I never told him that I love him back and that I don't hate that I do.

  I will never regret the love I feel for him and maybe he does, but he'll never know that I feel this way. After several minutes on the ground and my mind thumping with memories of Austin's smile, laugh, sadness, worthiness, the bliss he would project when I touched him. When he kissed me the first time and touched me the first time, when I first met him, when he laid in bed with me just to make me feel safe. Those memories can't be all I have left of him. What if something really bad did happen to him? What if that's the last I'll ever know of him?

  I walk over to the couch and start playing the song 'Swim Good' by Dermot Kennedy to see if I can understand why Liam is so worried something bad could have happened to him. I know when I last heard it, I felt mostly pain that Austin was speaking to me about through the song, but now as I sit here listening to the lyrics and it scares me even more. I know before that it talked about death, but now it scares me that this song could have been a cry for help again. He never admitted to me that he tried to kill himself. All I ever thought was the pain he felt consumed him to think that way, but not that he actually attempted it.

  What if this song is exactly how Austin is feeling in the moment and I didn't truly listen? Is this why Liam is so scared? Can Austin truly be capable of taking his own life? I start heaving, grabbing at my chest as if to stop the pain. I feel like I'm going to pass out. My brain hurts and my vision is going blurry. Is this why Austin ended things? I feel a wave of nausea hit me and I run into the bathroom. I vomit until I don't have anything else to throw up and sit there against the cold tile.

  Austin can be dead for all I know and all I can see are all the signs where he cried for help and I was too clueless to notice.

  Emma

  I'M SITTING IN MY favorite spot at the coffee shop, but nothing feels warm like it always does. It feels empty just like my chest and my head. I feel the absence, the void. It's been two days since I've heard from Liam and it's killing me. He just left my house and never picked up his phone again. The thoughts that go through my head haunt me. I don’t understand why he wants to meet instead of telling me what happened over the phone. I am sitting here waiting for Liam to walk through those doors and give me the worst news that my mind can conjure.

  The doorbell rings and I look up to see Liam coming my way. He ducks his head down like he's afraid to make eye contact. He sits across from me and I know somethings wrong, but not the wrong I've been thinking about all along. "Did you find him?" I ask already knowing the answer.

  "Yeah," He simply replies and doesn't continue.

  "Well?"

  His eyes move to the table, he lets out a heavy breath, "He's doing really bad. He just needs space. That's it, Emma."

  "Bullshit. You didn't come all this way to just tell me that."

  His worried eyes meet mine and it makes me swallow back my tears. "Emma. It's just not a good idea that you see him."

  My pleading eyes meet his worried ones and he lets out a frustrated breath. "Okay, fine. I'll take you to him, but first, tell me what happened Emma. Don't leave anything out."

  I tell him about our fights, about Kyle and Austin seeing his dad and what he said to me about loving me. The whole entire time I'm talking choosing not to leaving out any details, Liam's face is like stone. I can't read any of his emotions and that makes me fee
l even more worried than before.

  After I'm done talking, he just stares at me without blinking for a few long seconds before he says, "Fine. Whatever, I'll take you to him, but just to let you know he's not in a good place or physical state."

  I draw my eyebrows together in confusion, "What does that mean?"

  "You'll see."

  He stands and before I know it, he's already walking out. I follow him and get into his car. The drive is long, about an hour and a half and the whole entire time I've been fumbling with my hands. I'm scared and emotional of what I'm going to see and the overwhelming feeling of getting to see him. When we get closer to our destination, I notice we're surrounded by forests and the mountains are coming into view. Liam turns into a glass, wooden elegant house and gets off. I'm stunned by how beautiful the house is that I just stand there for a few minutes.

  This home is my dream house that I've always wanted to build. I’ve told Austin about it all the time. I had read it in a book somewhere. I also wanted to live near the Colorado mountains. This was such a nostalgic feeling even though I've never actually seen it and only imagined it. Liam waves his hands at me impatiently to hurry up. I catch up to him at the front door and we walk in. The house might be my dream from the outside, but this is not the home I imagined inside. It's cold and unwelcoming in a way. There's no warmth or life to it.

  The house doesn't have anything that feels like someone has lived here except for a picture that's thrown on the ground, but it's facing downwards, I can't see the picture. I keep following Liam until we get into a bedroom. We walk in, but there's a small entryway that leads into the bedroom. There's a wall between the two and Liam turns towards me before making his way, "Stay right here." I do as he says mostly because of the anticipation of getting to see Austin.

  I hear heavy breathing then Liam's voice, "Hey man how are you feeling?"

  "Fucker, how do I look." His voice brings life back into my chest, but all I can think about is why would he look a certain way, is he hurt?

  "You look like ten guys beat you up." I hold my breath at that statement.

  "Yup, but I fucking loved it." The hairs on my skin rise at the edge of his voice. He sounds rougher and almost lifeless. A lot like his father in a way.

  "Listen, man, I did something you're not going to be happy about?" Oh wow, he's telling him that I'm that something he's not going to be happy about.

  "What can be so bad?"

  "Emma's here." Silence takes over the air and I freeze on the stop waiting for his response.

  "What the actual fuck Liam? Are you out of your damn mind? Get her the fuck out of here! I don't want to see her!" My heart crushes at his words. How can you love someone, but feel this way towards them?

  "Man, she might help. You love her."

  "Loving her got me into this fucking mess."

  Those words, they burn my skin as they reach me. Austin's tone fills with pure anger and nothing else. No other emotion. My presence just inflicts one emotion on him: anger.

  Liam's tone grows serious as he answers, "No, motherfucker you got yourself into this mess. Don't use her as an excuse because she was good for you." My eyebrows shoot up as I hear Liam defending me. It's an odd concept considering he’s the toughest one to accept our relationship.

  "Dude, I want to forget about her. I don't want her. I really don't." His voice breaks at the end of the last word. Suddenly my eyes fill with blurriness and I realize I'm crying. He continues in the same agonizing tone, "You know I even tried to forget her with all of this, but also with Mia." My heart literally stops beating as I wait for his next words, "Fucking seeing her naked didn't even help me forget about Emma. I just kept imagining it was her when she kissed me, touched me, or even when I touched her. Fuck."

  All the sadness I’m feeling shatters into little tiny pieces that now shine anger. The brokenness inside of me is being fueled by pure fiery of what he just said. He was with another girl. And I'm here like an idiot hoping and praying he’s okay while all along he was out fucking someone else. Right here and now I promise to myself that I will never forgive Austin.

  I storm out of there as fast as I can. I feel the adrenaline running through my veins like I'm about to explode. I feel so disgusted by what I just found out. I hear heavy footsteps behind me, but I don't turn around to check who it is. I pull out my phone and type a message to Kyle to come pick me up and my location. I don't wait for him to respond I just keep walking fast through the house. When I get to the front door the footsteps stop behind me. So, I stop and pick up the frame that’s on ground shattered. It's a picture of me asleep in my bed and Austin's hand playing with my hair. I don't remember ever seeing this picture, but it makes me angrier to see it.

  "Those were the better times." The voice behind me says, making me freeze. It's him.

  It's Austin.

  The Austin that I thought I can admire forever. Now he's just a stranger and maybe that's all he ever was.

  "Emma."

  Hearing my name come from his mouth makes my blood boil and I turn around without really looking at him. I throw the frame at him as hard as I can. The frame barely misses him and shatters even as it lands right next to me him.

  The irony of our love. It broke just like the frame and there's no going back to the picture-perfect love we once were. In my head that's what we were, but it's all false. I run out of the house and decide to wait for Kyle outside in the cold. There's snow so it doesn't help on how cold I'm going to be, but at this point I do not care.

  When I reach outside, I keep walking till I get to the end of the driveway. I hear him shout my name and I'm guessing he must be pretty hurt to not be able to catch up to me. When he finally does, he grabs my elbow, but I fling my arm out of his grip and turn towards him. I was ready to start screaming at him, but the air is knocked out of me when I see Austin's face. It doesn't even look like him. Both his eyes are blackish purple, his lip is cut, and his eyebrow has stitches. He has black and purple bruises all over his chest. I realize he's not wearing a shirt, but he has a bandage on his ribs.

  "Austin." I breath out his name in disbelief of what I'm seeing. He's hurt really bad. The conversation I had with Kyle about Austin being violent comes to mind and keeps replaying like a song. For the first time I feel scared for the person that Austin might be.

  "It's not as bad as it looks." He says softly grabbing my arm.

  "Don't touch me. Not as bad as it looks? You know what it looks like? A stranger. Someone I don't know and see that's the thing. I never really knew you."

  He opens his mouth to say something, but then closes it. He stares at me with an anger. I have never seen him being angry towards me.

  After a few seconds of staring he says, "You're right you have no idea who I am. And for that I'm grateful." His words are bitter and cold as I register them in my brain. I want to shake him out of all of this. How did we get here?

  With those last words he storms off back into the house. For the first time in a long time I think he actually might not fight for us.

  As stubborn as I am, I stay outside till Kyle gets here an hour later. Luckily it isn't as cold when standing near the outside fireplace which is on. When Kyle pulls up part of me wants Austin to come out kicking and screaming that Kyle is the one to pick me up, but he doesn't come out. I feel disappointed, and angry at everything that is happening with us.

  On the ride back to my house there are no words said and Kyle doesn't attempt to ask what happened. We get to my house and we both stand in the living room awkward, but comfortable. Kyle is watching me close. I grab his hand and pull him towards the couch. He sits down and I follow right onto his lap. I climb onto his lap and I expect him to pull me away, but he doesn't. He does have both his hands far away from my body and he’s stiff under me. It makes me laugh because he’s trying so hard to not react or touch me. All reasonable thoughts I put in the back burner and focus on him. I lean in and kiss him. This time he knows what I want, and he kisses me back
.

  I know what Kyle feels, I can feel it in his kiss, but mine is filled with poison and vengeance. He deserves so much better than a broken girl trying to use him. His hands go to my back as he kisses me harder. I go with it. That's what you do when you're into a kiss. I’m numb to everything surrounding me. I hate the person I’m becoming, but I'm tired of being everything that everyone needs.

  Austin

  I WATCH HER LEAVE with him. The one fucker that I want her to have nothing to do with. But I drove her straight into his arms. My blood is boiling because I'm going to kill Kyle. I feel the anger rattling in my bones. The aches, shivers, and pains I once felt have all evaporated into anger. I put on a shirt and a hoodie with some chucks before rushing downstairs. I take Liam's keys and I can already hear him behind me. "Dude, where do you think you're going?" I don't answer him and keep walking until I get behind the wheel.

  "Austin you can't drive!"

  "Either get in or I'm leaving your ass here." He stares at me with a few suspicious seconds and decides to get in.

  I speed through the highway trying to reach them. I know they have a good twenty minutes in front of me, but all I can think of is Emma in the presence of the one person who witnessed and did so much damage to me. I feel the bile in my throat, but I try to keep it at bay. I press on the gas and I can see Liam's worried face trying to calculate how everything is going to go down, but he has no idea.

  When we get to Emma's house it seems that Kyle didn't drop her off and leave so now I feel even more agitated and want to throw him on his ass. I walk right in. I stop in my tracks not being about to contain the anger. All I see is Emma jumping off of Kyles fucking lap and her lips red and puffy. Next thing I know I have Kyle by the collar and on the ground. My knuckles become numb to the sting of reopening my wounds. All I see is red and all I could feel is my knuckles hitting wet flesh and hard bone as someone yanks me off and throws me against the wall. My sight goes from blurry to normal and all I can see Emma on her knees next to Kyle. Liam is right next to her.