Ma, Jackser's Dyin Alone

by Martha Long

  ‘Your mother should be proud of you, Nurse! You are lovely,’ I said, thinking how kind she is.

  ‘Thanks, I will tell her. She will be delighted to hear that,’ the nurse shouted, giving a big laugh as she headed out the door.

  Oh, I enjoyed that tea and toast, I thought, as I drained the last of it and stubbed out the cigarette in the ashtray. OK, back and hit the ward.

  I turned in, seeing the nurses working around Jackser. They were lifting him up, wanting to get him sitting straight. Then they fixed his pillows, making him more comfortable. I watched as they checked his oxygen. Then I moved over as they were taking down the empty saline bags left hanging on the pole.

  ‘Sorry, Nurse, I’ll just take my bag and get out of your way,’ I said, stooping down to grab my shoulder bag I had sitting under the bed.

  ‘Yes, just give us a minute. We won’t be long,’ the tall dark-haired nurse whispered, looking at me.

  ‘Oh, don’t worry about me. I don’t want to get in your way,’ I said, heading back towards the door. ‘So I’m just going to go into the bathroom and have a quick wash,’ I whispered, pointing my hand across the hall.

  She nodded, giving a wave of her hand as I took off.

  Then I was back before I even left. ‘Nurse,’ I whispered. ‘Would it be all right to borrow one of those towels?’ I said, pointing at the trolley with all the clean stuff sitting waiting to be used. ‘I just need to dry my face,’ I said, holding my hands to my grubby-looking, still half-asleep face.

  ‘Go on! Take what you need,’ she said, nodding her head to the trolley.

  I grabbed a lovely big white one. ‘Smashing,’ I laughed happily to meself as I hurried for the bathroom, wanting to get there before the patients beat me to it.

  I washed my face, drying it in the towel from the trolley. That’s handy. I’ll hang on to it while I’m here, I thought. Then I brushed my teeth and combed my hair. I put a bit of face cream on and looked at meself in the mirror. Right, now you look a bit more respectable. That will have to do until I get home. It’s just as well I don’t make a habit of wearing make-up. I would be looking a holy show by now, with probably two big black eyes from the mascara. Right, I’m ready for the day, I thought, heading back in to Jackser.

  The nurses were just finished, and one nurse pulled the curtain halfway around the bed, leaving only a view of the door. ‘We’ll just pull the curtain around,’ she whispered to me. ‘It will give him more privacy.’

  ‘Yeah,’ I nodded quietly, looking down at Jackser in the bed. His breathing was slowly and steadily getting worse. His chest heaved, struggled, then let go with a terrible, agonised wheeze.

  I stared at his face, seeing his colour had changed now to a very dark grey. Beads of cold perspiration stood out on his forehead. I sat down and took his right hand. The other one was limp, lying stretched out on the bed. His hand closed over mine and held it in his iron grip. I was used to it by now. So, obviously the stroke was on his left side, I thought. I gently took my hand away and got up, walking around the bed, and took up his left hand. I gripped it, to see if he would respond. No, no power at all. It’s his left side, definitely. But otherwise, the stroke doesn’t seem to show. He hasn’t lost the power in his face. That doesn’t look collapsed to me, I thought, then leant in closer, carefully searching his face for any sign of slack that would show a weakness. No, it seems fine, I thought, walking back around the bed, and sat down, taking his hand in mine again.

  The ticking of time slowly edged away the morning. I looked over, seeing the patients sitting up alert now, eating their dinner. Then I let my eyes slowly wander back to Jackser, seeing him lying so still. The only movement was his lungs as they fought hard and noisy, desperately struggling to do the business of getting air into his body. Otherwise, the rest of him was in a coma. Yet he still held that very firm and solid grip on my hand. There must be a part of his mind that is awake, because he’s not letting go easily. He’s grimly holding on, keeping a tenacious grip on this life. Jaysus! If he could have harnessed that power into doing something good with his life … Think of what he could have achieved with that strength of will he possesses.

  Right, I better think about moving, otherwise there will be nothing left to eat in the canteen. Only sandwiches! That’s what happened to me yesterday when I left it too late to go down. I wonder if the ma will be in today? She didn’t make it here yesterday. I wonder what she’s doing. I hope it is something that will do her good.

  OK, I better get moving, I thought, gently releasing me hand from Jackser’s grip, then easing myself up, getting standing on my feet.

  The fourth day here, I thought, as I made my way down in the lift, heading meself off to the canteen. The kids will surely be missing me. This is the first time in their life we have ever been separated. I’m sure they don’t know what’s hitting them. But they sound happy enough when they are giving me all their news. They even seemed to be taking it as an adventure that mamma is not around! They think they can get away with murder with their father. Still, I can hear a little loss in their voices.

  ‘ARE YOU COMING HOME TODAY, MAMMA?’

  ‘Eh, no, darling, not just yet. But I’ll be home soon, I promise! Do I ever break a promise to you?’

  ‘No, you don’t, Mamma,’ they breathe, letting their voices drop with the disappointment. Then they are off again, fighting each other to give me their news.

  ‘Let go of the phone! I was talking to Mamma first!’ he squawks.

  ‘No! You let go, you’ve been on too long,’ she squeals. ‘Anyway! You’re talking nonsense! I have much more special important news to tell her!’

  ‘MAMMA! TELL HER TO STOP!’

  ‘MAMMA! TELL HIM TO GIVE ME THE PHONE!’

  ‘STOP! The pair of you. One of you at a time, please. Now! He was on first. Let him finish his news. Good girl! I am dying to hear your news, too. But first I want to hear the rest of his. Now, go on with your news, son. Come on! Stop that! Stop laughing, you are tormenting her. Now, finish telling Mamma your news.’

  Jaysus! I miss them, rows and all! I wonder how little Minnie is, the dog? She’ll be missing me too. Staring at the closed kitchen doors, wondering what has happened to her world. If she could only talk I would say she’d put a flea in me ear for leaving her. I can just hear the moans outa her.

  DOORS LOCKED! NO MA! No titbits, no tickles! No one to shout at me, ‘Gerraway from tha cat, it has the mange! And, Minnie, ye thick plank, you’ll end up riddled with fleas!’ We all … Well, me and the ma hate that cat next door! It creeps into our house and sits on the best furniture, in the best room, the drawing room she calls it.

  Now I’m stuck outside, left to run around the garden with no one to talk to me. The only bit of enjoyment I’m getting is chasing tha bleedin cat next door! What’s worse, that foreign fella struttin his stuff! The kids call him ‘Daddy’. Well, that creep is treating me like I’m a dog. A DOG! ME! Sure, everyone knows I’m one of the kids. Sniff. I don’t like men anyway. I never let them in the gate. They get short shrift from me. Oh, yes! A good bite up the arse. Snort. That’s my job! I’m in charge of security. Me ma calls me ‘the bouncer’. This is a house of women! Well, we have one boy. But I have to put up with him. The ma would kill me if I laid a tooth on him.

  11

  I came heading back to the ward after having my lunch and a quick stroll in the fresh air. Five minutes is all I took. I just had a quick walk around the block then back here, leaving the world outside managing to get on without me.

  ‘Here we are,’ I muttered, turning in and landing meself back in the ward.

  ‘HOLY JESUS!’ I breathed, dropping me mouth and coming to a sudden stop.

  They were all plastered to the bed with the head thrown back and the mouth gaping up at the ceiling. I listened, hearing the drone as they readied with the breath, then it came. Out roared a bomb, full blast, letting rip around the ward, then landed itself in an almighty snore, giving me shell-shock. Oh, Jesus hel
p me, the noise! It sounds like racing cars caught up in the middle of a chocka-blocked Hong Kong traffic jam. I’ve walked straight back into the middle of it. I should have known – the afternoon nap! Why didn’t I keep walking? What did I come rushing back here for?

  Jaysus, you could set your watch by the routine here. Everything and everyone runs like clockwork. Did yer bowels move today? Nine a.m.? No! Take this, have that! I thought, sitting meself back down in the chair. There seemed to be no change in Jackser, I saw as I leaned over to check him. He was still sweating, it was pouring down his face. I better get the cloth and fresh cool water, I thought, standing up and walking around to his locker. I lifted the little stainless steel bowl and walked over to the sink, then came back and starting sponging his face.

  ‘There you are now, Jackser,’ I whispered, drying him with the towel. ‘That should make you a bit more comfortable,’ I murmured, leaving the damp cloth sitting on his forehead. Then I sat down, waiting for it to get hot again, and do the same thing all over again. It won’t take long; do it as often as you like. But the poor man continues to bake and cook, with his system going full blast, trying to cure his body.

  ‘Ohh! That’s it for the minute,’ I sighed. ‘I’m just going to relax meself for a few minutes,’ I breathed, leaning in and pulling the chair up, getting my arms comfortable on Jackser’s bed. Then I put me head down and conked out.

  Rushing feet and voices sounding like they were in an urgent hurry woke me. I could hear them getting closer to the ward. I stared at the door, waiting. Then suddenly a group of people appeared.

  ‘Here he is! He’s in here!’ Then they dashed in.

  ‘Da, Da! Wha happened te ye?’ a woman moaned, coming over to Jackser.

  ‘It’s Dinah!’ I whispered to myself, seeing her slowly moving closer to Jackser, never taking her eyes off him. I stared, seeing Gerry coming up behind her. Two nurses, one of them a male, wearing their street coats over white nursing jackets, looked in, checking to see they were all right, then waved, saying, ‘We’ll wait down the end for you, in the waiting room.’

  No one took any notice, so they looked a bit unsure but took off anyway.

  ‘Dinah!’ I said, getting my breath back after the shock of seeing the two of them coming out of nowhere.

  ‘Wha’s wrong wit ye, Daddy?’ Dinah whispered, looking down into Jackser’s face, with the shock and disbelief leaving her mouth open and her eyes staring. They were bulging out of her head. Then she looked around, flicking her eyes past me, saying, ‘What’s wrong wit me da?’ She asked the ward, but not seeing anything or anyone. Her eyes looked blank. All the pain in her was looking inward as she asked herself the question, trying to understand.

  ‘Da! Talk te me. Wake up, Daddy! Wake up!’ she started to shout, giving Jackser a shake, but he didn’t stir.

  ‘Dinah! Take it easy,’ I whispered, standing up and rushing around to stand beside her, putting my arm on her shoulder.

  ‘Get away from me! Don’t touch me.’

  ‘Sorry, Dinah! Don’t upset yourself,’ I said, still wanting to calm her down and stop her pulling the guts outa Jackser.

  ‘HE’S MY DA! Not yours! Fuck off an get away. Who asked you here anyway?’ she screamed, letting rip the full force of her anger and rage then pinning it on me, with her eyes staring out of her head.

  I moved back, not wanting to get hit. She’s bigger and better built than I am. Wherever she got that from? Not from the ma; she’s a squirt. No, and not Jackser! He’s not a big man, but he has powerful strength. Maybe Dinah inherited that. Jaysus, a box then from her would send me flying straight into next week.

  Right, time to make myself scarce. I moved, backing out of the ward into the corridor, keeping me eyes peeled on her, then stayed close by, letting her get her bearings.

  Gerry swung his head around, looking out at me. ‘Me da is sick, Martha. He’s in here! In the hospital,’ he said, pointing at Jackser.

  I nodded and smiled at him, whispering, ‘Yeah, Gerry, he’s not well.’

  Then Gerry went back to looking down at Jackser and hopping from one foot to the other. Then he flicked his head up at Dinah, seeing her standing over Jackser, crying, telling him to talk to her. I could see Gerry wringing his hands, getting very nervous. He’s incredibly gentle and would not even know how to harm a fly. He is the most angelic human I have ever met, other than an innocent little child. All that innocence, that goodness, in the body of a full-grown man, I thought sadly.

  But me ma lives for him and Dinah. Dinah is the ma and Jackser’s first-born girl. Jackser couldn’t get over himself with his delight when she was born. Yeah, it was only a novelty, though; it didn’t last long. Then Gerry is the last to be born. Me ma takes in every breath just for him, because he does everything she asks. He follows her around like a little puppy. Oh, gawd, he worships the ground she walks on. The ma likes that! It’s what she needs. He gives her pure, unconditional love. It’s the kind of love a mother has for her child – give without asking for anything in return. Come what may! Just love them as they are. The ma gets that from Gerry. So the pair of them live for each other. Gawd, why was I not born to see the world so plainly? I question fuckin everything. No wonder I never ended up with a man!

  ‘Come on, Da! Get up. WHAT’S THE MATTER WIT YE?!’ Dinah suddenly roared, letting a blast out that could be heard in the morgue.

  Fuck! My body went forward, leaning in, wanting to run to her, but me head said no! She’ll attack you. Stay where you are. Well, she might not! I hesitated, afraid, not knowing what to do. With the state she’s in, it could make things worse.

  At that moment, the male nurse leant himself around the corner, looking up the corridor. He was balanced on one leg. I saw his head whip around, saying something to the other nurse. Then he started to hurry up, then trot, and when he heard the roars from Dinah, he broke into a run with the coat flapping out behind him.

  I could see the grim determination on their face. Something told me they were going to cause more trouble than good. I felt meself tense, getting ready for trouble.

  Gerry started crying, saying, ‘Dinah! Is me da goin te die just like Harry did? Is he, Dinah?’

  ‘No, Gerry! Shrrup, you! HE’S NOT GOIN TE FUCKIN DIE!’ she screamed, making me heart barrel inta me mouth as my body leapt inta action, pressing me back against the wall, getting ready for the legs to work up speed. Yep! It’s looking like she really is going out of control, I thought, feeling me heart rise with fear for myself and sink with the pain for her. She’s my little sister. I wanted to protect her.

  I watched, seeing her eyes spin in the back of her head, looking around the ward then back to Jackser. She was wanting to do something, tear at something. I could see her chest heaving with the breath coming very fast as her eyes now stretched, bulging out of her head, coming further and further, trying to pop out of their sockets. Jesus, such rage, and the fear and confusion. It was all written over her red face, with the purple veins standing rigid in the side of her neck bulging. They looked like they were threatening to burst. Fuck! What a mess. Do something, Martha! Calm her down.

  I was braced for action, my body tensed, but my mind hadn’t yet come up with a solution, because moving wasn’t one of them.

  Just then, Dinah’s nurses flew past, whipping me outa the way. They rushed themself into the ward and took just three seconds to sum up the situation, then grabbed Dinah by the arm.

  All hell broke loose. She sent one of them flying, and the other one moved in, making a grab for her arms, saying, ‘Calm down, Dinah. Calm down. We are going to take you back now. Just take it easy!’

  The other fella was now back on his feet and rushing to take Dinah’s other arm. She sent the two of them flying, pushing out her arms and lashing out, managing to get past them and out the door. Gerry was rushing up and down, holding his fingers in his ears, chanting a mantra to himself.

  I saw it all happen in slow motion. ‘No! Please,’ Dinah was moaning as I rushed mes
elf into action, flying out the door after them and straight into the ward nurses coming to see what the fuss was, sending the whole pile of us landing in a heap.

  ‘Sorry,’ I said, dazed, staggering to me feet, trying to see around me.

  ‘What happened?’ moaned a curly-haired nurse, sitting with her legs spread and the cap dangling on the back of her neck.

  ‘Good God! My heavens,’ whispered the other one, scraping herself off the floor. We turned our heads to the melee going on behind us.

  ‘Don’t take me back. I didn’t mean te hurt anyone! I just want te see me da!’ Dinah cried, backing herself down the corridor.

  Her nurses kept walking slowly towards her, all the time making soothing noises as they pinned their eyes on her. They were getting ready to grab and bundle her out of the hospital, screaming and shouting. It made me sick to see her being caged in like this. This is my little sister! My heart nosedived with the pain of seeing her so at the mercy of the world and his wife.

  I rushed down past the nurses and planted myself standing in front of Dinah. ‘Don’t worry, darling. I will take care of this,’ I said, putting me hand near her shoulder, wanting to touch her.

  She looked at me with the fear of God in her eyes, then blinked, letting her anger with me go, and slowly turned to watch the nurses.

  I took in a deep breath and put out my arms, saying, ‘Wait. Leave her be, let her stay. She’s OK. All she wants is to spend time with her father.’

  They kept walking towards us, shaking their heads, looking like their minds were made up and they were not interested in hearing anything else. They pushed past me, making a grab for Dinah standing behind me.

  ‘Martha! Save me! Don’t let them take me back, Martha. I don’t want te go back. Please make them let me stay.’

  I felt my heart slicing wide open with the pitiful pleas coming out of her, as I listened to her crying behind me.