Ma, Jackser's Dyin Alone

by Martha Long

  ‘Come on, Dinah, you have had your visit,’ the nurse said. ‘It’s better you don’t make a fuss. Now be a good girl. Come on!’ He made to put his hand on her shoulder and she erupted.

  ‘Fuck off, ye bastards! I’ll kill the lot of youse!’

  ‘THAT’S ENOUGH!’ I shouted, pushing her out of his grasp and standing in front of him.

  He blinked, then let a little sneer cross his face as if to say, do you really think I’m going to do what you tell me? He didn’t think so. The arrogant bastard, I thought. They’re drunk with their power. They are so used to control over this family they think we are nothing. Right! Time to show them the other side.

  ‘You will take your hands off my sister, please. She will calm down if you back off and leave her space.’

  He hesitated, then shook his head, leaning forward to make another move at her. The other one tried to push me aside.

  ‘I SAID take your hands off me and my sister. Or I will make a scene by calling the police. You may be charged with assault. How dare either of you lay a hand on me or my sister?’

  ‘She’s very upset,’ yer man said, turning a bit off colour.

  ‘Yes! That is understandable. Now, please, let’s all calm down. Look, leave her to me. We are very close. I am the eldest. I will take full responsibility for her.’

  ‘OK,’ he said quietly, looking at his watch. ‘We will give her another ten minutes, then we have to leave.’

  ‘I’m sorry, I am not sure if I read you correctly. But my sister and brother have barely had time to spend with their father, and you are dictating they should leave when you decide?’ I shook my head slowly but firmly. ‘No! What time do you finish your shift?’

  ‘What has that got to do with you?’ he said, sounding outraged at being questioned on something he felt was a personal matter. ‘That is nothing to do with you,’ he snorted, looking at me with a face turned to stone.

  ‘Well, she stays here until I say she is ready to go. That will be when she decides she is good and ready! Now I want, and quite reasonably, for her and my brother to spend time with their father. That is clearly what they want. Who are you or anybody else to tell them what they can and can’t do in this private family situation?

  ‘He is not going to last much longer,’ I muttered under my breath, making sure Dinah, standing behind me, couldn’t hear. ‘Look, leave them be. I will look after them. I can take full responsibility,’ I said quietly, nodding and staring at them, looking around to show everyone had settled down now; we were just waiting to be left alone.

  ‘In fact, it would be good for them to have the day out, sit here with me, and maybe later you could call back and collect them? Would that be OK?’ I grovelled, dropping the Missus Bouquet act. ‘Ah, go on! It will do them all the good in the world,’ I smiled, turning it into a big grin.

  ‘OK, we will see you at seven,’ he snapped, suddenly making his decision.

  ‘Cheers!’ I said, waving my fingers. Dismissing them, letting them have a bit more now of me cocky self. Hate fuckin dictators!

  ‘OK, Dinah love,’ I said, turning to put my arm around her. She looked so young and vulnerable now with the steam gone outa her. All that was left to be seen was the red bloodshot eyes and the nose running while she waited to hear what people would decide for her. That’s what drove me mad – seeing her treated like an object, a mental case to be controlled. No, my sister is a human being first, foremost and last. Her illness happens to be a condition, a curse that destroys her day-to-day chance of happiness. But it is a condition that is just part of her. She is not the fucking condition.

  But the world does not see it like that. They see only a disturbed woman, someone to be feared and shunned, not someone like them. They don’t see the lovely woman behind a mind tormented by a hellish pain, caused by a condition that drives her to be constantly at war, fighting a lonely battle to chase away an inner terror. Because of that, she is further cursed. The world can take everything from you, strip you bare of your dignity. Her life has been incredibly hard enough without now being locked up then treated like a social outcast. Jesus, some people’s lives can be more frightening than even the fear of dying. How terrible it must be to have to live like that. ‘Yeah, life can be very cruel,’ I whispered sadly.

  12

  ‘Come on, Dinah, let’s go in and sit down with your da,’ I said, putting my arm around her, heading us into the ward. ‘Where’s Gerry?’ Then I spotted him. He was rushing up and down with the hands wrapped in fists, trailing the head along the floor, buried in a deep conversation with himself. Then he lifted his head, spotting us. Our eyes latched for a split second, then his slid off and he flicked his head away, not wanting to know us. No, he decided, he’s seen enough of us already. So he jammed his fingers into his ears and took off again, getting buried in even deeper conversation with himself. ‘Poor Gerry, we frightened the life outa him,’ I muttered.

  It was then I saw the people with all eyes steeled in our direction. Patients, nurses, cleaners and everyone who was anyone all had their heads swinging out of doors, taking it all in. They leant out with the eyeballs sitting like cauliflowers on the cheekbones and their mouths gaping down to the belly button, enjoying the shock of it all. Nobody was expecting this bit of diversion, and it was great! ‘Tut, tut, terrible,’ they muttered, waiting to see was there more. Then they saw us coming, me giving the evil eye and landing eyeball contact. That was enough. Mouths clamped, eyeballs flew sinking back in sockets as they turned tail, making for the safety of their own wards. They moved fast, slamming doors so hard the draught blew the hair on me head, taking my hearing with it. I went stone deaf, rocking on me feet, still hearing booming doors exploding shut as I stared down the passage. I looked hard, expecting to see the dead staggering back from the morgue wondering what woke them. No, there is now just sudden silence, except for the ringing in me ears to remind me what happened.

  ‘Right, OK, it’s all quiet now,’ I sniffed, feeling a bit naked after getting so much exposure. It’s OK, I told myself, never mind. I know this is happening a bit too often, what with the ma getting to throw her wobbly. ‘Oh, Jaysus, I’m a holy show. They won’t be forgetting us in a hurry,’ I muttered, shaking me head, then moved, wanting to hide meself in the ward.

  ‘Come on, Dinah, let’s take our ease here. Come around this side and sit down and hold his hand. He likes that,’ I whispered, seeing the eyes standing out of her head as she took in the sight of her father.

  Jesus, he looks like a corpse with holy water thrown over his face. He’s ashen grey, I thought, staring at him. But he is very much alive and fighting for his life. The loud gasps from his lungs will tell you that.

  ‘What’s wrong wit him, Martha?’ she whispered, sitting herself down in my chair then taking up his hand.

  ‘He’s goin te die, Dinah!’ Gerry flew at her, as he whipped past with his hands joined, interrupting his conversation to let her know that fact.

  Dinah stared, watching him hurry down the room, but before she had a chance to open her mouth he was up and straight back in.

  ‘Yeah! He’s goin te die, Dinah!’ he said, cocking the eye, giving her the side of his head, leaning into her.

  She stared, he nodded, then he said ominously, speaking in a very grave tone, ‘He looks just like Harry did, an he was dead! Wasn’t he, Martha? Didn’t you see him as well? Yeah, we all did,’ he said, flying to the door then hurrying back.

  ‘We put him in a hole. We buried him! Do ye remember tha, Dinah? An Martha planted a rosebush over him! Didn’t ye, Martha? Didn’t you do tha? That’s wha she told me ma, Dinah! It looks lovely me ma’s …’

  ‘Me da’s not goin te fuckin die, Gerry! So don’t be sayin tha,’ she snorted, giving me a dirty look to see if I agreed or not.

  Jaysus! This is going to get out of hand in a minute if I don’t do something fast.

  ‘Or I’ll put you in a fuckin hole an bury ye!’ she roared, turning her head to shout after Gerry, with t
he eyes bulging out of her head as she watched him hurrying himself up and down the room.

  I burst out laughing hearing the way she said that, and the look on her face saying it. She was keeping the face very still with only the mouth opening in a big wide O, then moving it to emphasise each word very slowly, while the eyes stared out of her head.

  I took in a sharp breath when Dinah stared at me, saying, ‘Wha’s so funny about tha, may I ask ye?’

  ‘Nothing, Dinah,’ I said quietly, trying to think fast. If she thinks I’m laughing at her, she’ll erupt the place. Then I said, ‘I was just thinking, Jackser’s in the bed listening to us. Any minute now, I’m expecting him to sit up and say, “If ye’s don’t stop tha fuckin shoutin an fightin, I’m goin te get up outa this bed, an I’ll personally bury the lot a ye’s meself! Then there’ll be no more trouble outa any a ye’s.”’

  Dinah shot her head to the bed looking at Jackser, then grinned, saying, ‘Yeah! Ye’re right! That’s exactly wha me da would say, Martha.’

  ‘Gerry, love!’ I said, trying to get his attention. He didn’t hear me as he rushed up and down with his fingers back in his ears. He can’t take all the aggravation.

  ‘Gerry, listen to me!’ I said, going after him and stopping in front of him, taking his fingers out of his ears. ‘Come down here with me,’ I said quietly, taking his hand and walking over to Dinah.

  ‘Dinah! Do you want something over in the shop? I’m going to send Gerry over. What do you want to buy yourself, Gerry? Would you like a bar of chocolate? Ice cream?’

  He listened, thinking about it for a split second. ‘Cigarettes, Martha! Will ye buy me a packet a cigarettes?’

  ‘Yeah,’ Dinah said quietly, really looking and seeing me for the first time since she came in. ‘Will ye buy me a few cigarettes too, Martha?’

  ‘Yeah, sure, Dinah. Get whatever the pair of you want. What do you smoke?’

  ‘Dinah smokes Players Blue, Martha. But they’re no good te me, Martha. I smoke Major! They’re much better, they are! Ye see, ye get a better smoke outa them, Martha!’

  ‘Right! Get twenty each – one for you and one packet for Dinah. Then get me a bar of Caramel, Cadbury’s chocolate. Ahh, wait, no! Make it Fruit and Nut! What about you, Dinah?’

  ‘No! Get us a choc ice!’

  ‘OK,’ I said, turning to Gerry. ‘Now …’

  But he wasn’t finished yet. ‘Yeah! Can I get meself a packet a chocolate HobNob biscuits? Me ma buys them for me, Martha. They’re lovely! Wait till ye taste them. I’ll give ye a taste, they’re lovely wit a cup a tea.’

  ‘OK! Look, here’s twenty quid. Spend the lot! Now don’t lose that money, Gerry.’

  ‘No, no, I won’t, Martha. Sure! I always used te go fer the messages fer me ma. An I always came back wit the right change. I know how te count, Martha! Me ma showed me!’

  ‘Right. Go on then. Mind the road. Make sure there’s no cars coming before you cross, Gerry!’

  ‘Yeah, I’ll make sure te take a good look before I get across. Me ma always tells me tha too, Martha,’ he said, giving me a big grin, letting his eyes widen, looking straight at me. ‘Ye’re just like me ma! Isn’t she, Dinah?’ he said, looking at me with his eyes lit up in wonder at that idea.

  ‘Yeah, now go on, Gerry. Hurry, but don’t rush!’ I said, hearing the contradiction.

  Dinah laughed, hearing it too. ‘I meant, Dinah, don’t rush across the road,’ I laughed, sitting meself down opposite her on the other side of the bed.

  ‘What’s wrong wit him, Martha?’ she said slowly, staring at him with a worried, puzzled look on her face. ‘Why does he look so bad? An he’s not wakin up,’ she said shaking her head, not able to figure out what’s happening to Jackser.

  I looked at him, thinking before I said anything. ‘Well, me ma and me talked to the doctor. He told us Jackser has a very bad chest infection. So they put that mask on him. It’s oxygen to help him breathe easier. The doctor said as well he was giving him medication to help him sleep. That way he won’t feel the pain. The more he sleeps, the easier it is for him to breathe. So, between the drugs and him getting plenty of rest, it’s all for the good, Dinah,’ I said, looking from him to her.

  She nodded slowly, thinking about it, with her eyes looking tired, like she wanted to nod off but couldn’t with the worry. She had a pained look on her face as she stared at Jackser. ‘He’s sweatin like mad, Martha. He must be really hot! It’s very hot in this place,’ she said, looking around, skimming her eyes over the patients resting in the beds, then looked up at the sun, seeing it scorching in through the windows.

  ‘Oh, yeah, Jaysus, Dinah, this place gets very stuffy. It would suffocate you!’ I said, suddenly realising how tired I felt. I lay me head back and took in a slow, quiet breath, stretching my legs out, deciding I could relax. Dinah was sitting looking calm and peaceful, like she had decided to content herself with just sitting with her father.

  ‘The sweat’s pourin outa him,’ she muttered, staring at the sweat streaming off his forehead and dripping down his face.

  ‘Oh, yeah. We better give him a wipe,’ I said, standing meself up to grab the bowl and fill it with lukewarm water from the washbasin just in behind the door. I wrung it out and handed it to Dinah. ‘Here, do you want to give him a wipe?’ I said, seeing her not moving.

  ‘I can’t! He won’t let go a me hand,’ she laughed, looking down at his hand.

  ‘Oh, yeah! When he gets a grip, he won’t let go of you,’ I said quietly, grinning at her as I reached over to Jackser, wiping his face dry, then letting the cloth sit on his forehead. ‘That’s grand now. It will keep him nice and cool,’ I said, feeling satisfied as I looked at him then sat back down.

  ‘How long are ye here, Martha? Me ma said ye were up.’

  ‘Oh, did she? When did you see me ma, Dinah?’

  ‘Yesterday, Martha,’ she said, letting her eyes light up as she straightened herself. ‘She came down in the train te see us, me an Gerry. It was then she told us about me da bein in here. Then she told us, she said you an her had a lovely time. Youse ate down in the canteen!’

  ‘Oh, Jaysus! Don’t talk to me about that, Dinah! Wait until I tell you!’ I said, looking around me, then flicking me eyes back to Dinah. ‘She wouldn’t eat a thing, Dinah. She kept spitting the lot out! This was the carry-on. First the ma opens her mouth, then the tongue comes out with the finger going in then back out carrying something, heading straight, smack, landing back on the plate. It got worse when she missed her aim. That kept going, nearly ending up on a doctor’s plate. He was sitting on the next table!’ I snorted, seeing her throw her head back then roaring, letting out a huge laugh.

  ‘Ah, yeah! Me ma worries somethin terrible wit the idea tha she’s somehow goin te choke te death. But, sure, she has no teeth left, Martha, only them aul few ones tha ye see in the front of her mouth.’

  ‘Yeah, I know. I must take her to get false ones.’

  ‘No, me ma wouldn’t put anythin like tha in her mouth!’ Dinah said, shaking her head like mad. ‘Anyway! Sure, they’d only keep fallin outa her mouth,’ she said, then got a picture of it and erupted with the laugh screaming out of her.

  ‘Yeah,’ I said, laughing at the idea.

  Then we sat back, falling quiet again, with me staring at nothing. ‘Jaysus! The eyes are dead in me head. I could sleep for a week,’ I muttered, letting them close.

  ‘I’m back, Martha!’ Gerry puffed, whispering in his singsong voice, letting nearly every second word go up in the air.

  We looked, seeing him tearing into the ward as he flew towards the bed. Then he dropped the heavy bag, landing it straight on Jackser’s legs, and started whipping the stuff out.

  ‘I did like ye told me te do, Martha. I got the lot and spent the money like ye said I was te,’ he said, looking at me like I had ordered him to spend me money. ‘Here, this is for you, Dinah! I got you yer choc ice, and one for you too, Martha, an one for meself! Wasn’t tha a good idea I had, Mart
ha? Then we don’t have te look at Dinah eatin hers all by herself! I like them too! Was tha all right, Martha?’ he said, leaning into me, looking very worried.

  ‘Gawd, yeah, Gerry! It was a brilliant idea you had, pity I didn’t think of that meself. Go on! Show us, what else have you in the bag? It looks full.’

  ‘Yeah, it is. It was heavy. I got meself me HobNobs, the chocolate ones! They’re the best. I don’t like them aul plain ones. Me ma says they have no taste. Ye can get nothin outa them, Martha. Oh, yeah! An I got one for you!’ He threw it at me, letting it miss me hand and land on the floor. Then in his excitement he ignored me and went back to getting at the bag.

  ‘Curse of Jaysus,’ I muttered, rubbing me head after hitting it under the bed, trying to get at me biscuits.

  ‘There’s one for you too, Dinah! An two packets a cigarettes for meself, and two for you, Dinah! An two bars a Fruit an Nut for us all. I think it’s a bad idea if we don’t have the same, Martha. So we all have two a them as well! Is tha all right? Did I do the right thing, Martha? Did ye mind me spendin all yer money?’ he said, leaning down and breathing into my face, looking straight into my eyes.

  ‘Ah! Ye’re the best, Gerry! Now all we need is a pot of tea and we’re away!’

  ‘Yeah! Pity we can’t get ourselves a drop a tea, Martha. Me ma loves a sup a tea wit the biscuits,’ he said, thinking about the tragedy of missing out on that.

  ‘No problem, Gerry. We’ll get one. Wait, I just had an idea! Dinah, would you like a bag of chips? And I can get the nurse to make us all a pot of tea. We can even have toast with it – make a sandwich, put the chips in with melted butter?’

  ‘Oh, yeah, Martha, tha would be lovely!’ Dinah whispered, happily putting the cigarettes inside her jacket pockets.

  ‘But wha will we do wit the ice creams, Martha? They’ll melt!’ Gerry said, looking very mournful.

  ‘Eat them now, Gerry! Right, come on, Gerry, listen,’ I said, whipping meself down to open my bag and take out the purse, digging deeper inta me ‘war chest’. ‘Look, you’ll have to go back out again and run across the road to the chip shop. Get me …’